“Hey, liquid paper, your bottle should say you don’t work on computer screens. This is The Colbert Report!”
Old AIG: “Tonight, John McCain responds to the growing economic crisis by suggesting America marry a really rich woman.”
The Wørd: Powerless
Osama Bin Hiding: “Is there a new way to catch Osama bin Laden? I’ve got a great idea involving an anvil and a pile of bin Laden seed. ”
Lutz and Volts: “I sit down with GM Vice Chairman Bob Lutz to talk about GM’s new electric car. 40,000 AAA batteries not included.”
In closing: “Oh, hi. I was just looking through this old photo album from the 1980’s. You know, looking back, I really wish I had taken the time to put some photos in it. Yes, the ’80’s hold so many special memories, like the time I legally changed my name to Corey so I could hang out with the Brat Pack. Of course, the thing I remember most is my New Wave band Stephen and the Colberts, and our debut album “Songs for Charlene, Vol. 1”. Now, technically, the album was never released, which makes the 10,000 copies in my attic extremely valuable. But, we did make a video of our one single, “Charlene (I’m Right Behind You)”. Well, there’s good news. The terms of the restraining order have finally expired, which means that if you own Rock Band 2, you can now download to “Charlene (I’m Right Behind You)” to play on tiny plastic instruments in your living room. Which is fitting, because we used tiny plastic instruments to record it. So sign onto XBox Live or the Playstation Network and download my song for free. Free? You can log on to Colbernation.com to get a preview. Oh, and Charlene, if you’re watching, I certainly hope you’re getting your potassium. I didn’t see any banana peels in your garbage last night. That’s it for the Report everybody. Goodnight”
The Word – Powerless
George W. Bush hasn’t failed to catch Osama bin Laden because of errors in judgement, it’s because he doesn’t have superpowers.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Full Episode – Wednesday September 17, 2008
- Intro: John McCain responds to the ongoing economic crisis by suggesting America marry a really rich woman.
- McCain Attacks Obama: John McCain has not accepted Stephen’s invitation to appear on the show, so he has no choice but to spread horrible lies about him.
- Country First: Just imagine if our nation’s greatest heroes had put bladder before country.
- Bob Lutz: Bob Lutz explains how GM’s new electric car works.
- Stephen & the Colberts’ Music Video: Stephen finds his old music video from the 80s “Charlene (I’m Right Behind You).”
- Nation, it is day 3 of our little market correction.
- You can be strong, and also at risk. John McCain is just saying our economy is like a muscle man who refuses to wear a condom. What’s the worst that could happen?
- Recently he has devastated Barack Obama by pointing out that Obama called Sarah Palin a fat ugly hog. And authored legislation that required kindergarteners to watch their parents doin’ it doggy-style.
- The media’s attacked him just because that steam is rising from a giant pile of fresh bullsh*t.
- To be fair, he might have thought the question was “Do you understand the economy”.
- Exactly. That is just Emily Post 101. If you don’t accept someone’s invitation, that person is obliged to destroy you with a brutal and baldfaced collection of lies.
- For the record, John McCain has not accepted my invititation to appear on the show, so I have no choice but to spread horrible lies about him. Here we go.
- John McCain wants to harvest the organs of sleeping toddlers, injects RedBull into his taint, and is determined to run a campaign based on straight talk and decency. Thank God none of that is true.
- Folks, last week was the anniversary of 9/11, and of course, leave it to the media to exploit it by asking why President Bush hasn’t captured Osama bin Laden yet.
- Good point. Why doesn’t President Bush have superpowers? [G.O.P. Wishes He Was Invisible]
- Yes, we have given him the power to wiretap, to search and seize without a warrant, to go to war without Congressional approval, and to change laws with unlimited signing statements, but those aren’t superpowers. They’re just unprecedented extraordinary powers. [Can Bypass Constitution In A Single Bound]
- Right now, if President Bush were in the Justice League, he’d be the guy who sits at the front desk and tells visitors, “There’s no Justice League here.”
- We have got to get him superpowers. And here’s how we do it. I say we lock him in a room with some radioactive spiders, throw in some gamma rays, maybe a few barrels of industrial waste, some fly DNA, and a scientist hell-bent on creating a super soldier. [To Serve in Texas Air National Guard]
- At the very worst, he will come out of there with the screenplay for next summer’s Will Smith vehicle.
- But ideally, he will come out a superhero – The Decider. A flying, psychokinetic vigilante who can waterboard terrorists with his mind until they give up bin Laden’s secret location. [But Can’t Eat Pretzel Without Choking]
- He might even get the superpowers he has needed for years. Like the psychic ability to know that invading Iraq won’t help you capture someone hiding out in Afghanistan. [Extra Sensible Perception]
- Or the super vision to sense that an intelligence briefing entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US” deserves a second read. [Reading is Bush’s Kryptonite]
- He has never claimed to be anything but a human being chosen by God to fight an axis of evil and defeat a mortal danger to all humanity.
- Nation, John McCain has been running his campaign under the slogan “Country First”. Now, initially, I assumed he meant make our country first alphabetically, by bombing Afghanistan, Albania, and Algeria out of existence.
- Recently, I met a man who is selfishly looking out for number one.
- Those slenderizing stripes can’t hide the chunky fact that Brad hates America.
- To make their love of freedom even clearer, they keep the fans in their seats with chains.
- Just imagine if our nation’s greatest heroes had put bladder before country. If Thomas Jefferson held not his quill, but his tallywhacker. We might not be so independent. If Martin Luther King had said not “I have a dream”, but “I have to drain the dragon”. We might not be so free. And what if Neil Armstrong had said this? “That’s one small step for man, one… I’ve really got to pee, let’s do this later.”
- So kids, don’t be like Brad. Because when he went #1, he made America #2.
- Yankee fans, show your pride in country and stay put. And if you cannot hold it, remember, those oversized foam fingers are very absorbent.
- From the Bob Lutz interview:
- My guest tonight is here to talk about GM’s new electric car. I hope that means it electrocutes anyone who tries to steal my gasoline.
- Stephen: I’m not used to having the big corporate moguls on the show. I know you guys are the masters of the universe and toy with little people like us.
- Stephen: You got a little pin on there that says GM. Does that stand for Grand Mason? Are you secretly controlling the world economy?
- Lutz: Oh, gee, I wish we were.
- Stephen: If you were controlling the world economy, you would be doing a terrible job right now, I have to say. I wouldn’t claim that if I were you.
- Stephen: The thing that bugs me about it, this is tantamount to admitting that we have to do something about global warming. Sir, you are capitulating with the enemy. Why not just call this the Chevy Gore?
- Stephen: You don’t believe global warming is real, you’ve said so.
- Lutz: I accept that the planet is heated, but like many noted scientists, I don’t believe in the CO2 theory.
- Stephen: Exactly, I believe that people are just leaving their toaster ovens open.
- Stephen: Why don’t they run cars on sun spots, is what I want to know.
- Stephen: Ok, do I need a 40 mile extension cord?
- Lutz: We tried that, but people kept running over it.
- Stephen: What kind of batteries did you say it had? Because I ran a clock, when I was a kid, on a potato. It’s not a trunk full of potatoes, is it?
- Stephen: Lithium Ion batteries. Is that anything like the Enterprise’s matter-antimatter converter?
- Lutz: It’s getting close.
- Stephen: Let’s talk man talk here for a second. Let’s talk 0-60, sir. Does that thing jump off the line?
- Lutz: Adequately…
- Stephen: Adequately? Can I lay a patch of rubber is what I want to know.
- Stephen: How about this – is it sexy? Will it get me laid?
- Lutz: Um, I think so, you might have…
- Stephen: It might change the type of woman I’m attracting, maybe.
- Lutz: You’re going to get a lot of very nice, no make-up, environmentally…
- Stephen: A little crunchier. A little crunchier. Maybe a little hair on the legs down here.
- Stephen: Now can I take this thing, can I pimp my ride? Can I put some ground effects on it? Mags, headers, traction bar, functional hood scoop, chop it and drop it? Does that mean anything by the way, anything I said?
- Stephen: Hey, I’ve got an idea. Could I actually charge this thing by plugging it into the cigarette adapter on my Hummer?
- Stephen: Amen, brother, I can have my planet and eat it too.
- Stephen: Thank you, no wonder it gets great mileage, look how tiny it is.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal grey pinstripe suit, Cornflower blue shirt with barrel cuffs, Red tie with small yellow dot pattern, Sarah Palin glasses.