Episode 4116 (9/16/08)

Hey, TiVo owners, look for a secret message when you watch the commercials in their entirety. This is The Colbert Report!”

Park Perks: “A sex scandal rock the Department of the Interior, but from what I understand, they were rocking each other’s interiors. ”

  • Gorlok makes Stephen’s portfolio “Thetan free.”

Desk Guest: Tyson Slocum (Director, Public Citizen)

Raked Alaskan: “Whose attacking Sarah Palin now? my money is on a sexist moose.”

  • Threatdown!
    • 5. Russia!
    • 4. Bobcats
    • 3. Scientists!
    • 2. Rat-Bots!
    • 1. Icebergs

Reilly Good Cause: “I sit down with ESPN’s Rick Reilly. I predict he’ll strike out, and I’m gonna have two balls.”


Nothing But NetsNothing But Nets is a grassroots campaign to save lives by preventing malaria, a leading killer of children in Africa. While the UN Foundation has been working with the UN to fight malaria for years, it was a column that Rick Reilly wrote about malaria in Sports Illustrated, challenging each of his readers to donate at least $10 for the purchase of an anti-malaria bed nets — and the incredible response from thousands of Americans across the country — that led to the creation the Nothing But Nets campaign.

In closing: “And time. Damn it, thirty minutes again. I gotta get this thing down to fifteen minutes, it’s killing me. Goodnight. ”

Video Highlight:

ThreatDown – Icebergs!
Thanks to global warming, we’ve almost defeated the iceberg

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • Looks like insurance giant AIG is going to collapse. You’d think they’d have an insurance policy for that.
  • Thankfully I’m not going through this thing alone. I have the guidance of my financial advisor, Gorlock. He came highly recommended from Tom Cruise and Jenna Elfman.
  • People from Wall Street to Main Street are asking what is Congress going to do about this banking crisis? Well today the answer came from congress loud and clear: demand offshore drilling. Problem solved.
  • Evidently, employees responsible for millions of dollars in revenue from oil company executives, instead joined them for cocaine, marijuana, and sex. People want to know why this happened. Cocaine, marijuana, and sex? Doesn’t it make more sense to go cocaine, sex, then marijuana?
  • A little corruption can make things happen; you don’t get all tied up in red tape, unless that’s what you’re into.
  • From the Tyson Slocum Interview:
    • Stephen: It’s the trickle down theory. They (The Oil Companies) make lots of money, and then the gas trickles down to us, and maybe they have lot of sex and some of that sex will trickle down to us.

    • Stephen: Is this actually breaking any rules?
      Tyson: Absolutely.
      Stephen: Good! That means they are mavericks. Who break the rules, and get things done.
    • Tyson: It all started with Vice President Dick Cheney’s energy task force, when he only invited oil company lobbyists and their CEOs to make energy policy.
      Stephen: Who knows more about energy policy then people who work for oil companies. I mean who are you going to invite in, a candlemaker?
    • Stephen: I just think there’s a huge double standard here, I think that nobody would be up in arms about this if cocaine dealers were giving the government oil. It’s just the other away around.
    • Tyson:What we need right now is some new leadership.
      Stephen: Right, John McCain! Who will bring change to Washington.
  • Nation, for years now I have sounded the alarm on many things, which reminds me: beware of alarms.
  • She is not Mrs. Nobody know-it-all shrieking cow from Alaska, that’s her maiden name.
  • Russia is poisoning our affection with lies, just like they poison their dissenting journalists with poison. Worst of all, unsuspecting Americans may just think the Russians are telling the truth. I mean, Russians obviously know a lot about Sarah Palin, after all, Russia is right next to Alaska.
  • No-one knows why the Bobcats moved to Southern California, but authorities assume that ultimately they want to direct.
  • Someone needs to investigate the loan practices of First Nashional Human Munny Bank.
  • How does a supposed nerd not know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. This is a serious violation of nerd cred.
  • We cannot afford to have anybody with the tiniest shred of social skills on that project.
  • The fact the we don’t have more si-fi loving Dungeons and Dragons dorks terrifies me.
  • Sorry, I almost just lost my lunch, which coincidentally was a petri dish full of rat neurons.
  • They’re not just rat robots, they’re also rat a**holes.
  • I don’t get it. I thought cold water was supposed to make it shrink.
  • We’re not going to turn our backs on this wang-sickle. We’re gonna get rid of it by sending out a giant grandma shaped iceberg. That will make it wilt right into the sea.
  • My guest tonight is a columnist for ESPN The magazine Magazine, if he starts telling me about his fantasy football team, I’ll cut his mic.
  • From the Rick Reilly interview
    • Stephen: Obviously you’re a sports guy, I’m a huge sports guy, just look at my physic. But we’re hear to talk about something a little more important tonight. We’re hear to talk about a charity that you are really pushing hard here. Tell us about Nothing But Nets.
      Rick: Nothing But Nets is like the all time no brainer in giving. it cost you ten bucks to put a net over a kid in Africa, sometimes two or three kids, sometimes grandpa.
      Stephen: Yeah
      Rick: And it keeps them from getting malaria.
    • Stephen: How much did this cost to send to us.
      Rick: Total nine dollars, and that includes the guy to come and hang in your hut.
    • Rick: Through nothing but nets we’ve raised twenty million dollars.
    • Rick: Instead of buying the Brittney Spears CD, kids buy a net, and you save not only a life…
      Stephen: You could buy the Brittney Spears Cd and the net, send them both to Africa. They’ll stay alive because of net, look at the Brittney Spears CD and say “Hey, my life’s not so bad.”

ManFan Suit Report: Black Jacket, white shirt with black stripes, WRISTstrong bracelet, purple tie with white designs.

If you're new to our Zoner community, please read the No Fact Zone Comment Policy before commenting. Thank you!