Episode 4115 (9/15/08)

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us host and audience.  You may kiss the screen.  This is The Colbert Report!

Hop on G.O.P: “Tonight, the press is treating John McCain unfairly.  They’re showing pictures of him without Sarah Palin.”

The Wørd: How Dare You?

Watership Dow: “I present Colbert Platinum, my segment for viewers with high income.  Don’t worry, government bailouts count as income. ”

Jesus Died for Your Spin: “My guest Peter J. Gomes  teaches religion at Harvard.  I hope he teaches You are Going to Hell 101.”

  • Reverend Peter J. Gomes – Harvard professor and author


Peter J. GomesThe Scandalous Gospel of Jesus: What’s So Good About the Good News?

In closing: “Well, folks, that’s it for the Report.  But I got some good news.  The network called, we’ve been picked up for another episode.  See you tomorrow night.  Goodnight everybody!”

Video Highlight:

The Word:  How Dare You?
John McCain and Sarah Palin are not only saying they won’t give answers, they’re saying you can’t ask questions.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • If you’re watching the show from your underground bunker, don’t close the vents yet.
  • I’ve even heard stories of financial moguls entering beauty contests just to win $10.
  • Once in a century.  So it’s like an eclipse.  We’ll all be fine as long as we look at our mutual fund statements through one of those pinhole cameras.
  • Although I believe Bank of America bought Merryl Lynch for two goats and a bushel of oranges.
  • Lil’ Shavers – that’s shaving supplies for babies.
  • There’s plenty of stuff to sell around here.  I got cameras, I got furniture, I got my interns’ organs.
  • My unautographed photo of Rick Springfield downloaded from the internet – I’ll sell that.  Nation, he can be yours for the low low price of $350,000.  Phone now – supplies are limited to how much Xerox toner I have.
  • Folks, I’ve never been a fan of answers.  You wanna know why?  Too bad.  I don’t like answers.
  • They’ve avoided giving answers to the American people and the press by claiming executive privilege, ignoring subpoenas, feigning ignorance, and mesmerizing critics with the power of dance.
  • Prisoners of war never cheat.  Except that time Hogan convinced Colonel Klink that the camp’s water supply was a fountain of youth.
  • That was not cheating, that was helping Charles Keating cheat.  Totally different.
  • If McCain is elected, his first appointment to the bench may be a chair. [Would Ask More Questions Than Clarence Thomas]
  • How dare you question John McCain on (noun that’s bothering you).  When he was a POW, he didn’t have (same noun)… Booby.
  • It is sexist!  And we should know – we’ve been feminists for over two weeks now.  [Longer Than Palin]
  • How dare you question McCain’s use of a common aphorism!  That man spent five and a half years as a POW – he didn’t have lipstick or a pig! [Though Used To Have A Conscience]
  • Remember, this segment is for Platinum members of the Colbert Nation only.  If you chew your own food, leave the room.
  • Although I gotta say, she looks like a tiger in the sack.  I’m going to let that one sink in for a little while.
  • Do we have a picture of that?  We do?  Good, email that to me.
  • You have to post an ad on Craigslist Missed Connections section.  Me:  Fabulously Wealthy Man.  You:  Ten Thousand Topless Women Parading Before Me.  Just make sure you specify which Starbucks you want to meet at.
  • Good idea.  Wrapping presents in uncut sheets of US currency.  And you know the ideal gift to wrap in those dollars?  A stack of Euros.
  • That means that you’re wasting $23 for the ability to waste $32.  That is the Platinum lifestyle.
  • I guess I shouldn’t use my $100 tissues anymore.  I’ll just use the tissues made from Lehman Brothers stock.
  • From the Peter J. Gomes interview:
    • My guest tonight has written a new book called The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus.  I believe that’s from the newly discovered TMZ scrolls.
    • Stephen: What’s so scandalous about it?
    • Gomes: Well, I wanted to sell books.
    • Stephen: Well, you’re an honest man.
    • Stephen: Is it page after page of “Son of God, born without sin?”
    • Gomes: No, no.  That would never sell.
    • Stephen: What do you mean he opposes the status quo?
    • Gomes: He likes to turn things upside down.
    • Stephen: He did, but then he put Christians on top and now it’s “nothing change”.
    • Gomes: So I’m not for the missionary position.  But that’s not really what it’s all about.
    • Stephen: You’re not part of the Southern Baptist Conference, I’m guessing.  You’re not a Southern Baptist, no, you’re a Harvard Baptist.  Very different.
    • Gomes: That’s an interesting thought, very interesting.  I think you’ll go far.
    • Gomes: You’re supposed to share your goods with your neighbor.
    • Stephen: But you haven’t met my neighbor.
    • Gomes: We all have your neighbor.  That’s why we don’t love them.
    • Gomes: I was baptized a Catholic.
    • Stephen: You were baptized a Catholic?  Well then you’re still in, buddy.

Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal grey suit, Pale blue shirt with barrel cuffs, Cranberry tie with diagonal white stripes, Sarah Palin glasses.

If you're new to our Zoner community, please read the No Fact Zone Comment Policy before commenting. Thank you!