By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us host and audience. You may kiss the screen. This is The Colbert Report!
Hop on G.O.P: “Tonight, the press is treating John McCain unfairly. They’re showing pictures of him without Sarah Palin.”
The Wørd: How Dare You?
Watership Dow: “I present Colbert Platinum, my segment for viewers with high income. Don’t worry, government bailouts count as income. ”
Jesus Died for Your Spin: “My guest Peter J. Gomes teaches religion at Harvard. I hope he teaches You are Going to Hell 101.”
- Reverend Peter J. Gomes – Harvard professor and author
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
Peter J. Gomes – The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus: What’s So Good About the Good News?
In closing: “Well, folks, that’s it for the Report. But I got some good news. The network called, we’ve been picked up for another episode. See you tomorrow night. Goodnight everybody!”
The Word: How Dare You?
John McCain and Sarah Palin are not only saying they won’t give answers, they’re saying you can’t ask questions.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Full Episode – Monday September 15, 2008
- Intro: Stephen presents Colbert Platinum, his segment for viewers with high income. Don’t worry, government bailouts count as income.
- Colbert Shopping Network: Stephen’s unautographed photo of Rick Springfield downloaded from the Internet can be yours for the low price of $350,000.
- Colbert Platinum: Supermodel Statue: There are so many advantages to dating a golden statue of a supermodel instead of a real one.
- Peter J. Gomes: Peter J. Gomes says most Christians are in favor of the status quo, even though Jesus opposed it.
- Another Episode: Stephen got some good news – they’ve been picked up for another episode.
- If you’re watching the show from your underground bunker, don’t close the vents yet.
- I’ve even heard stories of financial moguls entering beauty contests just to win $10.
- Once in a century. So it’s like an eclipse. We’ll all be fine as long as we look at our mutual fund statements through one of those pinhole cameras.
- Although I believe Bank of America bought Merryl Lynch for two goats and a bushel of oranges.
- Lil’ Shavers – that’s shaving supplies for babies.
- There’s plenty of stuff to sell around here. I got cameras, I got furniture, I got my interns’ organs.
- My unautographed photo of Rick Springfield downloaded from the internet – I’ll sell that. Nation, he can be yours for the low low price of $350,000. Phone now – supplies are limited to how much Xerox toner I have.
- Folks, I’ve never been a fan of answers. You wanna know why? Too bad. I don’t like answers.
- They’ve avoided giving answers to the American people and the press by claiming executive privilege, ignoring subpoenas, feigning ignorance, and mesmerizing critics with the power of dance.
- Prisoners of war never cheat. Except that time Hogan convinced Colonel Klink that the camp’s water supply was a fountain of youth.
- That was not cheating, that was helping Charles Keating cheat. Totally different.
- If McCain is elected, his first appointment to the bench may be a chair. [Would Ask More Questions Than Clarence Thomas]
- How dare you question John McCain on (noun that’s bothering you). When he was a POW, he didn’t have (same noun)… Booby.
- It is sexist! And we should know – we’ve been feminists for over two weeks now. [Longer Than Palin]
- How dare you question McCain’s use of a common aphorism! That man spent five and a half years as a POW – he didn’t have lipstick or a pig! [Though Used To Have A Conscience]
- Remember, this segment is for Platinum members of the Colbert Nation only. If you chew your own food, leave the room.
- Although I gotta say, she looks like a tiger in the sack. I’m going to let that one sink in for a little while.
- Do we have a picture of that? We do? Good, email that to me.
- You have to post an ad on Craigslist Missed Connections section. Me: Fabulously Wealthy Man. You: Ten Thousand Topless Women Parading Before Me. Just make sure you specify which Starbucks you want to meet at.
- Good idea. Wrapping presents in uncut sheets of US currency. And you know the ideal gift to wrap in those dollars? A stack of Euros.
- That means that you’re wasting $23 for the ability to waste $32. That is the Platinum lifestyle.
- I guess I shouldn’t use my $100 tissues anymore. I’ll just use the tissues made from Lehman Brothers stock.
- From the Peter J. Gomes interview:
- My guest tonight has written a new book called The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus. I believe that’s from the newly discovered TMZ scrolls.
- Stephen: What’s so scandalous about it?
- Gomes: Well, I wanted to sell books.
- Stephen: Well, you’re an honest man.
- Stephen: Is it page after page of “Son of God, born without sin?”
- Gomes: No, no. That would never sell.
- Stephen: What do you mean he opposes the status quo?
- Gomes: He likes to turn things upside down.
- Stephen: He did, but then he put Christians on top and now it’s “nothing change”.
- Gomes: So I’m not for the missionary position. But that’s not really what it’s all about.
- Stephen: You’re not part of the Southern Baptist Conference, I’m guessing. You’re not a Southern Baptist, no, you’re a Harvard Baptist. Very different.
- Gomes: That’s an interesting thought, very interesting. I think you’ll go far.
- Gomes: You’re supposed to share your goods with your neighbor.
- Stephen: But you haven’t met my neighbor.
- Gomes: We all have your neighbor. That’s why we don’t love them.
- Gomes: I was baptized a Catholic.
- Stephen: You were baptized a Catholic? Well then you’re still in, buddy.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal grey suit, Pale blue shirt with barrel cuffs, Cranberry tie with diagonal white stripes, Sarah Palin glasses.