Episode 4115 (9/15/08)

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us host and audience.  You may kiss the screen.  This is The Colbert Report!


Hop on G.O.P: “Tonight, the press is treating John McCain unfairly.  They’re showing pictures of him without Sarah Palin.”

The Wørd: How Dare You?

Watership Dow: “I present Colbert Platinum, my segment for viewers with high income.  Don’t worry, government bailouts count as income. ”

Jesus Died for Your Spin: “My guest Peter J. Gomes  teaches religion at Harvard.  I hope he teaches You are Going to Hell 101.”

  • Reverend Peter J. Gomes – Harvard professor and author

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

Peter J. GomesThe Scandalous Gospel of Jesus: What’s So Good About the Good News?


In closing: “Well, folks, that’s it for the Report.  But I got some good news.  The network called, we’ve been picked up for another episode.  See you tomorrow night.  Goodnight everybody!”

Video Highlight:

The Word:  How Dare You?
John McCain and Sarah Palin are not only saying they won’t give answers, they’re saying you can’t ask questions.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • If you’re watching the show from your underground bunker, don’t close the vents yet.
  • I’ve even heard stories of financial moguls entering beauty contests just to win $10.
  • Once in a century.  So it’s like an eclipse.  We’ll all be fine as long as we look at our mutual fund statements through one of those pinhole cameras.
  • Although I believe Bank of America bought Merryl Lynch for two goats and a bushel of oranges.
  • Lil’ Shavers – that’s shaving supplies for babies.
  • There’s plenty of stuff to sell around here.  I got cameras, I got furniture, I got my interns’ organs.
  • My unautographed photo of Rick Springfield downloaded from the internet – I’ll sell that.  Nation, he can be yours for the low low price of $350,000.  Phone now – supplies are limited to how much Xerox toner I have.
  • Folks, I’ve never been a fan of answers.  You wanna know why?  Too bad.  I don’t like answers.
  • They’ve avoided giving answers to the American people and the press by claiming executive privilege, ignoring subpoenas, feigning ignorance, and mesmerizing critics with the power of dance.
  • Prisoners of war never cheat.  Except that time Hogan convinced Colonel Klink that the camp’s water supply was a fountain of youth.
  • That was not cheating, that was helping Charles Keating cheat.  Totally different.
  • If McCain is elected, his first appointment to the bench may be a chair. [Would Ask More Questions Than Clarence Thomas]
  • How dare you question John McCain on (noun that’s bothering you).  When he was a POW, he didn’t have (same noun)… Booby.
  • It is sexist!  And we should know – we’ve been feminists for over two weeks now.  [Longer Than Palin]
  • How dare you question McCain’s use of a common aphorism!  That man spent five and a half years as a POW – he didn’t have lipstick or a pig! [Though Used To Have A Conscience]
  • Remember, this segment is for Platinum members of the Colbert Nation only.  If you chew your own food, leave the room.
  • Although I gotta say, she looks like a tiger in the sack.  I’m going to let that one sink in for a little while.
  • Do we have a picture of that?  We do?  Good, email that to me.
  • You have to post an ad on Craigslist Missed Connections section.  Me:  Fabulously Wealthy Man.  You:  Ten Thousand Topless Women Parading Before Me.  Just make sure you specify which Starbucks you want to meet at.
  • Good idea.  Wrapping presents in uncut sheets of US currency.  And you know the ideal gift to wrap in those dollars?  A stack of Euros.
  • That means that you’re wasting $23 for the ability to waste $32.  That is the Platinum lifestyle.
  • I guess I shouldn’t use my $100 tissues anymore.  I’ll just use the tissues made from Lehman Brothers stock.
  • From the Peter J. Gomes interview:
    • My guest tonight has written a new book called The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus.  I believe that’s from the newly discovered TMZ scrolls.
    • Stephen: What’s so scandalous about it?
    • Gomes: Well, I wanted to sell books.
    • Stephen: Well, you’re an honest man.
    • Stephen: Is it page after page of “Son of God, born without sin?”
    • Gomes: No, no.  That would never sell.
    • Stephen: What do you mean he opposes the status quo?
    • Gomes: He likes to turn things upside down.
    • Stephen: He did, but then he put Christians on top and now it’s “nothing change”.
    • Gomes: So I’m not for the missionary position.  But that’s not really what it’s all about.
    • Stephen: You’re not part of the Southern Baptist Conference, I’m guessing.  You’re not a Southern Baptist, no, you’re a Harvard Baptist.  Very different.
    • Gomes: That’s an interesting thought, very interesting.  I think you’ll go far.
    • Gomes: You’re supposed to share your goods with your neighbor.
    • Stephen: But you haven’t met my neighbor.
    • Gomes: We all have your neighbor.  That’s why we don’t love them.
    • Gomes: I was baptized a Catholic.
    • Stephen: You were baptized a Catholic?  Well then you’re still in, buddy.

Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal grey suit, Pale blue shirt with barrel cuffs, Cranberry tie with diagonal white stripes, Sarah Palin glasses.

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