‘Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.” is my very favorite recurring segments that the show does. I’ve been wanting to chronicle the wonderfully lovely products (with hillarious side effects) of the Prescott Pharmaceutical products for quite some time, just for fun. And with ColbertNation.com’s nifty new tagging feature, it’s now super easy to find groups of vids, including the Cheating Death segments. So, for your enjoyment, here’s the list that I’ve come up with so far. Did I miss any segments that you know of? Let me know in the comments.
All of the Cheating Death products, side effects, and video segments can be seen below the cut.
(h/t to DailyMotion user colbert_fan and Zoner jaqlin for the inspiration!)
Vaxadrin – The only weight loss pill recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
- Dry Mouth
- Severe Weight Loss
- Restless Leg Syndrome
- Restless Arm Syndrome
- Restless Torso syndrome
- Massive weight gain
Children’s Vaxadrin – It’s guaranteed to grow strong, healty teeth. Often in your mouth!
- Mild Hulkism
Diet Cherry Vanilla Vaxadrin
Vaxadrine – From the makers of Vaxadrin
- Phantom Hand Syndrome
- Vivid dreams of self-cannibalism
- Bad humors
- Late onset albinoism
Vaxadrine with Calcium
- It has a certain sedative effect
- Spontaneous pregnancy
- Increased risk of vampire attack
Vaxa-Smacks – It’s the first cereal guaranteed to shrink your prostate. Or, if you’re a lady, grow ya one.
- Dry mouth
- Hairy Uvula
- Speaking in toungues
- Vaxa-Smacks is not for people who have, may have, or have decided not to have children
Vaxa-Dream – Kissing someone who brushes with Vaxa-Dream is like making out with the cleaning crew at a steak house
- Spontaneous and uncontrollable gum growth
Vaxadril – Curbs your appetite by causing short-term blindness
- Increased appetite
- Permanent blindness
Vaxachub – The only virility aid made entirely from powdered mice. If you experience erections lasting more than 4 hours, you are welcome.
- Mild kidney explosions
- Testicular cranberrying
- Rectal hallucinations
Vaxascab – Just jab these platelet packed pills directly into your wound.
- Pulminary weevils
- Brain tooth
- Reemergence of the umbilical cord
Vaxasom – It’s made from a specially formulated compound that mimics the effects of ruffies, in that they are ruffies.
- Warning: Vaxasom is a mildly addictive sedative. Only use Vaxasom if you can devote the next eight to ten hours of your life to sleep, and the next eight to ten years of your life to rehab.
Vaxamax – It is the only protein powder you don’t have to mix with anything else. Just jam a straw in there and suck it down. It’s like a PixieStick — that tastes like meat.
- Vein seizures
- Aortal collapse
Vaxa-mamm – Male breast reduction cream. Apply once and go straight to the hospital. You’re gonna want to get this stuff off. It burns.
- Autonomous nipple syndrome
- Genital migration
- Brain tooth
- Comes with a scalpel, comes with sutures, surgical gauze (scotch tape)… and surgical instructions. Though these actually look to be for a plasma TV.
Vaxator – The only anti-cholesterol drug recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. Vaxator removes cholesterol in your arteries, as well as hair and soap scum. Order within the next 24 hours, and you’ll get a free heart defibrillator. (A toilet plunger)
- Lactose addiction
- X-ray hearing
- Prolonged erections, but… not where you’d hope
Prescott Pharmaceutical’s Vaxogenic Chambers – When you go in, make sure to bring an open box of baking soda.
- Abdominal migration
Fulcrum – a male enhancement pill made from the strongest placebo allowed by law. Here’s how it works. Fulcrum doesn’t just direct more blood to your penis: it directs all your blood to your penis, leaving you a lifeless, shriveled husk hanging from a rigid steel beam.
- Urethral nodding
- Honus Wagner’s disease
- A rare and irreversible condition known as carcassing
Vaxa-Fice – It’s the only doctor recommended way to add new orifices to your body. Just rub it wherever you would like to give your surgeon an access hole and feel the mild tingling sensation as it burns away your flesh. Warning: Prescott Pharmaceuticals can make no guarantee which orifice you will receive. Actually, uh, there is a guarantee. It’s going to be an anus.
- Tracheal meercat colonies
Liquid Launch – It doesn’t have one of the ingredients in rocket fuel, it has every ingredient in rocket fuel. When you blast some Liquid Launch into your innerspace, you’ll be singing ‘Ground Control to Major Yum.’
- Involuntary Narnia adventures
- Whatever happens when you drink rocket fuel
Vaxaslim Canine – It is the only canine weight-loss medication that keeps weight off, guaranteed, or else you get a free pet carcass. Warning: do not confuse Vaxaslim Canine with Vaxaslim Human. You can tell the difference because Vaxaslim Canine has a ‘C’ on the label, while Vaxaslim Human has a sideways ‘U’ for HUman. Should you accidentally take the canine version, immediately consult a mortician.
- Testicular myopia
- Warlock hump
- Scrappy Doo-ism
‘Why Doesn’t My Mommy Love Me Enough To Get Beautiful?’ – It’s the story of a young boy who was forced to watch his mommy get little lines around her eyes until his daddy leaves her for the mommy from this book (holds up ‘My Beautiful Mommy’).
- Rocky Mountain oysterism
- Grover Norquist syndrome
- Rectal buffalo wings
Crustaceaa-Drine – Acts quickly to calm your nervous system by enabling it to pick up AM radio.
- Thoracic geysers
- Nostril inversion
- Inability to breathe on weekends
Vaxaloon – Makes you believe you’re in a different Jim Carey movie. It comes in six different strengths – Ace Ventura, The Mask, Me, Myself, Irene, and for extreme cases, The Number 23, which causes hallucinations so powerful that patients believe The Number 23 made money.
- Rectal frosting
- Arby’s Mouth
- Tennis Scrotum
Happy Splash – 100% pure hydrochloric acid. Remember, Happy Splash could be harmful to children with skin that is sensitive to hydrochloric acid.
- Pituitary ferns
- Skeletal xylophoning
- Teriyaki Lung