‘Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.’

Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert DFA

‘Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.” is my very favorite recurring segments that the show does. I’ve been wanting to chronicle the wonderfully lovely products (with hillarious side effects) of the Prescott Pharmaceutical products for quite some time, just for fun. And with ColbertNation.com’s nifty new tagging feature, it’s now super easy to find groups of vids, including the Cheating Death segments. So, for your enjoyment, here’s the list that I’ve come up with so far. Did I miss any segments that you know of? Let me know in the comments.

All of the Cheating Death products, side effects, and video segments can be seen below the cut.

(h/t to DailyMotion user colbert_fan and Zoner jaqlin for the inspiration!)

Vaxadrin – The only weight loss pill recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

  • Dry Mouth
  • Severe Weight Loss
  • Restless Leg Syndrome
  • Restless Arm Syndrome
  • Restless Torso syndrome
  • Massive weight gain

Children’s Vaxadrin – It’s guaranteed to grow strong, healty teeth. Often in your mouth!

  • Rage
  • Mild Hulkism

Diet Cherry Vanilla Vaxadrin

Vaxadrine – From the makers of Vaxadrin

  • Phantom Hand Syndrome
  • Vivid dreams of self-cannibalism
  • Scruffula
  • Bad humors
  • Late onset albinoism

Vaxadrine with Calcium

  • It has a certain sedative effect
  • Spontaneous pregnancy
  • Increased risk of vampire attack

Vaxa-Smacks – It’s the first cereal guaranteed to shrink your prostate. Or, if you’re a lady, grow ya one.

  • Dry mouth
  • Hairy Uvula
  • Speaking in toungues
  • Vaxa-Smacks is not for people who have, may have, or have decided not to have children

Vaxa-Dream – Kissing someone who brushes with Vaxa-Dream is like making out with the cleaning crew at a steak house

  • Spontaneous and uncontrollable gum growth

Vaxadril – Curbs your appetite by causing short-term blindness

  • Increased appetite
  • Permanent blindness

Vaxachub – The only virility aid made entirely from powdered mice. If you experience erections lasting more than 4 hours, you are welcome.

  • Mild kidney explosions
  • Testicular cranberrying
  • Rectal hallucinations

Vaxascab – Just jab these platelet packed pills directly into your wound.

  • Pulminary weevils
  • Brain tooth
  • Reemergence of the umbilical cord

Vaxasom – It’s made from a specially formulated compound that mimics the effects of ruffies, in that they are ruffies.

  • Warning: Vaxasom is a mildly addictive sedative. Only use Vaxasom if you can devote the next eight to ten hours of your life to sleep, and the next eight to ten years of your life to rehab.

Vaxamax – It is the only protein powder you don’t have to mix with anything else. Just jam a straw in there and suck it down. It’s like a PixieStick — that tastes like meat.

  • Vein seizures
  • Aortal collapse
  • Monkey-lung

Vaxa-mamm – Male breast reduction cream. Apply once and go straight to the hospital. You’re gonna want to get this stuff off. It burns.

  • Autonomous nipple syndrome
  • Genital migration
  • Brain tooth

Prescott Pharmaceuticals’ Heal Thyself Home Surgery Kit

  • Comes with a scalpel, comes with sutures, surgical gauze (scotch tape)… and surgical instructions. Though these actually look to be for a plasma TV.

Vaxator – The only anti-cholesterol drug recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. Vaxator removes cholesterol in your arteries, as well as hair and soap scum. Order within the next 24 hours, and you’ll get a free heart defibrillator. (A toilet plunger)

  • Lactose addiction
  • X-ray hearing
  • Prolonged erections, but… not where you’d hope

Prescott Pharmaceutical’s Vaxogenic Chambers – When you go in, make sure to bring an open box of baking soda.

  • Lung-fire
  • Eye-curdling
  • Abdominal migration

Fulcrum – a male enhancement pill made from the strongest placebo allowed by law. Here’s how it works. Fulcrum doesn’t just direct more blood to your penis: it directs all your blood to your penis, leaving you a lifeless, shriveled husk hanging from a rigid steel beam.

  • Urethral nodding
  • Honus Wagner’s disease
  • A rare and irreversible condition known as carcassing

Vaxa-Fice – It’s the only doctor recommended way to add new orifices to your body. Just rub it wherever you would like to give your surgeon an access hole and feel the mild tingling sensation as it burns away your flesh. Warning: Prescott Pharmaceuticals can make no guarantee which orifice you will receive. Actually, uh, there is a guarantee. It’s going to be an anus.

  • Goferism
  • Multi-brow
  • Tracheal meercat colonies

Liquid Launch – It doesn’t have one of the ingredients in rocket fuel, it has every ingredient in rocket fuel. When you blast some Liquid Launch into your innerspace, you’ll be singing ‘Ground Control to Major Yum.’

  • Involuntary Narnia adventures
  • ADHDEAD
  • Whatever happens when you drink rocket fuel

Vaxaslim Canine – It is the only canine weight-loss medication that keeps weight off, guaranteed, or else you get a free pet carcass. Warning: do not confuse Vaxaslim Canine with Vaxaslim Human. You can tell the difference because Vaxaslim Canine has a ‘C’ on the label, while Vaxaslim Human has a sideways ‘U’ for HUman. Should you accidentally take the canine version, immediately consult a mortician.

‘Why Doesn’t My Mommy Love Me Enough To Get Beautiful?’ – It’s the story of a young boy who was forced to watch his mommy get little lines around her eyes until his daddy leaves her for the mommy from this book (holds up ‘My Beautiful Mommy’).

  • Rocky Mountain oysterism
  • Grover Norquist syndrome
  • Rectal buffalo wings

Crustaceaa-Drine – Acts quickly to calm your nervous system by enabling it to pick up AM radio.

  • Thoracic geysers
  • Nostril inversion
  • Inability to breathe on weekends

Vaxaloon – Makes you believe you’re in a different Jim Carey movie. It comes in six different strengths – Ace Ventura, The Mask, Me, Myself, Irene, and for extreme cases, The Number 23, which causes hallucinations so powerful that patients believe The Number 23 made money.

  • Rectal frosting
  • Arby’s Mouth
  • Tennis Scrotum

Happy Splash – 100% pure hydrochloric acid. Remember, Happy Splash could be harmful to children with skin that is sensitive to hydrochloric acid.

  • Pituitary ferns
  • Skeletal xylophoning
  • Teriyaki Lung

Comments

  1. This is AMAZING. :)

    Arby’s Mouth sounds delicious. roast beef . . .

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    • I’m a big fan of the Arby’s Sauce myself. And I dip my curly fries in a ketchup/horsey sauce concoction. Nummy!

      Oh, great, now I’m thinking Arby’s.

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  2. Thanks for this, DB! I absolutely love Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA. Hee

    The graphics are great, his reaction to the graphics is always funny, and love-love-love the side-effects.

    It is my favorite recurring segment, too.

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    • Jenny with a Y says:

      I agree about the graphics. The Cheating Death graphics are always my favorite, and I LOVE watching Stephen’s reaction to them.

      This list is so great! I was laughing while reading.

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  3. Yay!!!

    Thank you! I love the “Cheating Death” segments. Poor Stephen has a hard time getting through them without cracking up.

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  4. I think my favorite side-effect is tracheal meercat colonies!
    these are obviously the silliest part of the entire show, mostly because Stephen seems to find them completely hilarious!

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    • since I can’t edit, I just wanted to mention that toward the end of the internal decapitations segment there is a nice character break!

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  5. ColbertGirl27 says:

    Hi DB,

    You have uncanny timing! Someone just posted an excellent Cheating Death fanvid on YouTube. Just do a search for “Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. – 2007.”

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    • Yes. :) I linked to it above – it inspired me to get my arse in gear and get this post done. I’ve been meaning to do one like it forever!

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      • mrtigger001 says:

        hey DB,

        This is a little off-topic but I think there is an issue with the guest list this coming week. If you check both the TDS and TCR websites, you’ll see that the guests for the week are the same. So either TDS & TCR are sharing guests 4 days in a row, or someone over there screwed up with posting the guest list.

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  6. Pulminary weevils is my all time fave side effect- I collapse in laughter for some reason every time I try to say it.

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  7. Man, this is AWESOME! I love Cheating Death. It makes me laugh harder than any segment on any show. The side effects always kill me (lol…uninetended pun).

    Great job on this, DB. It’s about time someone compiled these. I’m bookmarking this so I can come back in the future for a good laugh.

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  8. aaaaahahahahahhah!! thanks so much for this. Cheating Death is my favorite segment, and the symptoms in particular crack me up so bad.

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  9. Fantastic collection! Thanks so much for putting it together. :-)

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  10. looped linear says:

    I love Cheating Death, especially the side effects and the goofy skeleton graphics at the bottom of the screen.

    Some of these clips had me laughing til I had tears in my eyes–with my hand covering my mouth, trying hard to be quiet about it, in the middle of the night.

    Thanks for putting them up, DB.

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  11. New Cheating Death segment tonight! Wooo! :D

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  12. Hey, one of my favorites is missing! Where is “Varicose Brains?”

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