Episode 4111 (09/02/2008)

“Shave and a haircut … nine bits! Inflation. This is The Colbert Report!“

Veep of Faith: “Tonight! Does Sarah Palin have enough experience to get me to talk about Barack Obama’s inexperience?”

• Hurricane Gustav and Day One of the RNC
• Bristol Palin
• Sarah Palin

The WØRD: That’s The Ticket

It’s Not Easy Being Greenscreened: “Then, my ‘Make McCain Exciting’ challenge — it’s easier than the ‘Make John McCain President’ challenge.”

• More entries for the “Make McCain Exciting” challenge: Brian R., Ryan S. and Jory L.

Tyson Knockout: “Then, I sit down with Laura D’Andrea Tyson, Barack Obama’s economic advisor. That’s right, I’m talking to an economist, and it’s not even ’sweeps’.”

• Main guest: Laura D’Andrea Tyson, Former Economic Advisor to President Clinton, current Economic Advisor to Barack Obama

In closing: “Well, folks, that’s it for The Report, but you wanna hear something wild? If you go away for 23 1/2 hours and come back? I’m still gonna be sitting right here in the exact same spot, talkin’ to you. Now, are those your brains on the floor, or did I just blow your mind? Good night, everybody!”

Video Highlight: Stephen From Four Years Ago: Senior Meteorologist and Stephen From Four Years Ago reports on the latest conditions in the Gulf.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Full Episode Video – September 2, 2008
• Intro – 9/2/08: Does Sarah Palin have enough experience to get Stephen to talk about Barack Obama’s inexperience?
• The Word – That’s the Ticket: Sarah Palin needs to choose someone with the kind of credibility and executive leadership John McCain just doesn’t have.
• Green Screen Challenge – Last Shot: With John McCain’s acceptance speech this Thursday, it’s time to wrap up the challenge and salute everyone who made him exciting.
• Laura D’Andrea Tyson: Laura D’Andrea Tyson tells Stephen the economy grows faster under Democratic presidents.
• Blowing Your Mind: If you go away for 23 1/2 hours and come back, Stephen will still be sitting in the exact same spot talking to you.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Of course, last week, we were in Denver, so this week, we are in Minneapolis-St. Paul. Whoo! Jimmy? [Theme from The Mary Tyler Moore Show plays, "You might just make it after all!"]
• Oh what’s the use? Look, who wants to “make it” in St. Paul? This city sucks. There’s nobody here! Everybody’s down in New Orleans! All the big guys: your — your Williams, your Gibsons, your … expendable guy in a slicker.
• Even Geraldo was there, and thank God; the Plaquemines levee was in danger of failing until Geraldo shored it up with his mustache. It’s his super power.
• Obviously, exciting stuff going on down there. So for those of you who are skeptical that I’m really in St. Paul this week, ask yourself this: If I wasn’t in St. Paul, why would I be in St. Paul?
• Now, of course, I could send a correspondent to New Orleans, but this show doesn’t have any. So instead, to bring you the latest conditions in the Gulf, even though I promised myself I would never do this, joining me now is The Daily Show’s Senior Meteorologist and me from four years ago, Stephen Colbert!
• *Split screen of Colbert Report Stephen and Daily Show Stephen, windblown and rain-soaked in a slicker*
• Host Stephen: Stephen! Can you hear me?
• Correspondent Stephen: Yes — I can hear you, Jon.
• Host Stephen: No — it’s not Jon, it’s me: Stephen!
• Correspondent Stephen: I don’t — what do you mean?
• Host Stephen: I mean, I’m you, four years from now. I — we — have our own show now.
• Correspondent Stephen: Really?
• Host Stephen: Yeah!
• Correspondent Stephen: Is it successful?
• Host Stephen: Well, you know, TV’s a strange business but, yeah, it’s — it’s pretty successful.
• Correspondent Stephen: Oh! Well, f@#k this, then. Chuck, please, enough. [Wind-swept palm tree background disappears, leaving Stephen standing in his raincoat, a green screen in the background] Enough with the fan. Let’s go.
• Host Stephen: Thank you for that report, sir.
• I am telling you, that kid is going places.
• Now of course, not much is happening here in St. Paul, because the GOP scaled back their convention out of sensitivity for the destruction wrought by Hurricane Katrina on their poll numbers.
• It was a sacrifice, considering the excitement that would have been generated by last night’s keynote speaker, George W. Bush. It’s like having a USC reunion and O.J. Simpson doesn’t show up.
• Instead, President Bush gave a speech tonight by satellite, so McCain and the President will never appear together on the same stage this week. Now, it’s quite a blow to the Democrats, as Chris Wallace pointed out John McCain this Sunday. [Clip of Wallace: "Obama and the Democrats continue to try to wrap President Bush around you."] Too bad, Democrats! You can’t wrap President Bush around McCain! It’s McCain wrapped around the President.
• All in all, this was a great first day for the convention but, of course, the media did their best to try to ruin it by callously revealing a private matter in the Palin family. Namely, that Gov. Sarah Palin’s eldest daughter is named Bristol.
• Have you no shame, media? That’s nobody’s business! That is a private pain meant to be kept between Bristol and — and Track and Willow and Piper and Trig Paxson and … let’s say Snack Chip and Toe Jam.
• And I’ll tell you, Nation, I am sick and tired of people saying Sarah Palin is inexperienced. It is sexism, pure and simple. Her enemies wouldn’t be saying this if she was a man, like Frank Matheny [sp?]. Oh, you don’t know Frank? He’s the mayor of Boot Heel, Montana, population 7,500. In about twenty months, he’s going to make a great Vice President.
• Now, ciritics say John McCain should have gone with someone who fills in his gaps, like Mitt Romney. But Sarah Palin does more than fill McCain’s gaps; she completes him. [Clip of McCain: "She's a partner and a soul mate."] The clincher was the identical oil rig birthmarks.
• Well, I think, folks, that there is plenty of evidence that Governor Palin is more than ready to be number two, which brings us to tonight’s WØRD: That’s The Ticket
• Okay, let’s talk experience. First off, what is “experience”, really? Mike Huckabee said it best. [Clip of Huckabee: "Experience is about what you have done, not what you know."] That’s right. So the only question is, how much of what she has done, has she done? [That We Know Of]
• It turns out, a surprising amount. [Clip of Cindy McCain: "She is heavily experienced in what she has done."] Exactly! Name anything Sarah Palin’s done, she has done it. [Except Being Vetted]
• Plus, she’s got loads of foreign policy experience. Again, Cindy McCain on This Week. [Clip of Cindy McCain: "Remember, Alaska's the closest part of our continent to Russia."] Yes! Not only is Alaska America’s closest point to Russia, Alaska also has Mt. McKinley, which makes it America’s closest point to Space! So that means she has Space policy experience! [Space More Populated Than Wasilla, Alaska]
• Plus, there are people out there who are excited about Sarah Palin who were never excited about John McCain. [Republicans]
• Focus on the Family’s James Dobson said during the primaries he would never vote for John McCain. [McCain Said The Same Thing About MLK Day] But then, just yesterday, folks, Dobson said this. [Clip of Dobson: "This choice of Governor Palin, I tell you, that was one of the most exciting moments of the political season."] And remember, this political season included Fred Thompson.
• But most importantly, Palin also has executive experience … Yes. As a governor, Palin has more executive experience than Sentaor Obama, Senator Biden and Senator McCain put together. [Worst Three-Way Ever]
• You know, folks, come to think of it, Palin is more qualified to be President than John McCain. [Clip of McCain: "She's had executive experience."] Yes. I mean, if what they are saying about her is true, the Republican Party has this McCain/Palin ticket upside down. Oh … oh, I like that. “President Palin”, that sounds right. John McCain would make a great Vice President. I mean, you need someone ready to take over on Day One, if anything should happen to President Palin. [Moose Attack?]
• Then again, given how much Palin’s evangelical supporters dislike John McCain, he could drag down the ticket. [Because He Believes In Gravity]
• Plus, with all that executive experience, I’m sure Governor Palin wouldn’t do something rash, like picking a running mate without executive experience who she only met once. No, Sarah Palin needs to choose someone with the kind of credibility and executive leadership John McCain just doesn’t have. [Palin/Romney] That’s the ticket!
• Nation, as I said, out of respect for the hurricane on the Gulf Coast, the Republican Party has scaled things back. They’re avoiding any kind of spectacle or flash at the convention, mainly by nominating John McCain.
• You see, he’s not the most dynamic speaker in the world; his voice makes the hum of a refrigerator coil sound like Martin Luther King.
• But Sen. McCain knows it. That’s why last June, he gave a speech in front of a green screen. I posted that footage at ColbertNation.com and asked you heroes to jazz up the old maverick. And you folks came through big time, in my “Make McCain Exciting” Challenge!
• *Entries from Brian R., Ryan S., Jory L. and a montage*
• My guest tonight is an economic advisor to Barack Obama. I’ll ask her if she’s in charge of taxing or spending. Please welcome Laura D’Andrea Tyson!
• Pleasantries aside, Miss Laura D’Andrea Tyson, if that is a collection of your names. What about this myth — you’re an economist — what about this myth that we’re in a recession? I’m doing all right, Jack! I got mine!
• Tyson: Let me talk about the “Misery Index”. This is an important indicator, the “Misery Index”. Inflation: Seventeen-year high. We have an unemployment rate which is creeping up month after month. You know, the unemployment, the “Misery Index” –
• Stephen: See, that is just so like you Democrats! Instead of seeing the glass as half full, you see it half empty.
• Tyson: I would say that the glass is 98% empty. That is, what we have is a situation where –
• Stephen: But there’s liquid in there! There’s a residue at the bottom!
• Tyson: Let me go back to this “Misery Index”, because I really want to point out something very interesting –
• Stephen: Mmm-hmm, that you love talking about misery. Yes, go ahead.
• Tyson: [laughing]
• Stephen: That’s a hopeful message. I thought you guys were all about “hope” over there at the Obama campaign!
• Tyson: Oh, we’re about hope. We’re about hope, but the first point about hope is getting rid of the Bushes. Because the last time the “Misery Index” was this high –
• Stephen: Madam, I agree with you. The Bushes go, McCain comes in. That — that is change I can believe in!
• You wanna talk about — let’s talk about growth, okay? Under President Bush, okay? The economy is better than ever. I mean, the dollar, now, is stronger than it’s been in almost two weeks!
• Have you ever been tempted to submit an economic plan that offers a huge tax cut for economists?
• Guys like me have to pay more taxes! Explain your hatred of people who have worked hard –
• Tyson: We like you; we want you to keep working hard. We realize that you paid slightly higher taxes in the 1990s, and you know what? You worked as hard and you were as good, so it really doesn’t matter that much. The economy will be in good shape because the 98% of us will get a tax break; you’ll get to pay slightly more taxes, but you’re doing fine, just fine.
• Stephen: Uh, okay. Yeah, sure. Good luck sucking at my teat. And I have never said that to a guest before, and I have a feeling I never will again.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit with black stripes, white shirt with two button barrel cuffs. Black tie, silver and blue diagonal stripes. WristSTRONG bracelet.

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