Episode 4109 (08/28/2008)

“Hey, Obama! You want to impress me with a speech on the 50-yard line of a football field? Give it during the game. This is The Colbert Report!”

Convention-al Is-Dumb: “Tonight! It’s the last night of the Democratic National Convention. Spoiler alert: They picked Obama.”

• Stephen bakes some high altitude brownies and shouts out to his hosts at the Overlook Hotel
• Fox News anchors offer their usual, peerless analysis of Barack Obama

The WØRD: Acid Flashback

• Stephen doesn’t want Obama to heal the generational wounds of the 60s generation

Barack To The Future: “Plus, is Barack Obama ‘The Candidate of the Future’? Fine by me, as long as we elect John McCain in the present.”

• Democrats nominate Obama in a roll call vote
• More Convention coverage

Babbling Brookhiser: “And, my guest Richard Brookheiser has written a new book on George Washington. I hope he called it ‘Cherry-gate’!”

• Main guest: Richard Brookhiser, Author: George Washington on Leadership

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

George Washington on Leadership

In closing: “Well, folks, that is all the time we have. I have got to get over to Invesco Field to make my speech to the Democratic National Convention. I’ll be the one in section C2 of the parking lot with a bullhorn and throwing flares. Join me tomorrow, when I –*ding*– Oh! My brownies are ready. I, um, I really hope these came out. The low pressure of Denver’s high altitude really affects how foods cook. [Stephen lifts a fully cooked chicken onto his desk] Wow. I really must not have gotten my adjustments right. Oh well. [Begins slathering whipped cream from a cannister onto the bird] Good night, everybody!”

Video Highlight: High Altitude Brownies — Stephen bakes high altitude brownies, and thanks the folks at the Overlook Hotel for putting them up all week.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Intro – 8/28/08: It’s the last night of the Democratic convention. Spoiler alert: they picked Obama.
• The Word – Acid Flashback: In the fight to keep Barack Obama tied to the 1960s, we have an ally: the dead.
• DNC Formal Roll Call: In a shockingly spontaneous moment, the New York delegation dramatically ends the roll call.
• Richard Brookhiser: Richard Brookhiser tells Stephen that George Washington was a good president because he trusted smart people.
• Stephen’s Brownies: Stephen’s brownies didn’t turn out the way he wanted.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• We are coming to you — live! — all week from Denver. That is where the news is and, whereever the news is, that’s where I am. And to prove I am in Denver, the Mile High City, I will be baking these brownies using the high altitude directions.
• If you’re good, I’ll let you lick my spoon! Okay, these will be delicious because we are in Denver.
• By the way, speaking of Denver, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the folks who’ve been putting us up all week at the historic Overlook Hotel. Nestled in the gorgeous Rocky Mountains, where we are.
• They’ve got friendly bartenders and lots of room for the kids. In fact, even Joe Biden’s grandkids are staying here! My staff is having so much fun, we wish we could stay here forever, and ever, and ever.
• Okay, let’s put these high altitude brownies in the pan, and — Wait a second, that’s weird. Jimmy, can we get a shot of this? [Shot of Stephen's brownie pan, in which "AMABO" is written in brownie batter] ‘Amabo’, ‘amabo’ … wait a minute. Jimmy, reverse that! [Image reverses, Stephen screams shrilly enough to give Janet Leigh a run for her money] OBAMA! Aaaahhhhhhhhh!!
• Of course, tonight Obama gave his acceptance speech in front of 80,000 adoring fans at Invesco Field. What was at stake here? I believe Megyn Kelly of Fox News said it best: “The clock showing about about thirteen hours until what could be the best, or the worst, moment in Barack Obama’s historic run at the White House.” Excellent analysis, Meg. You could be the best, or the worst, journalist in the world.
• Obama says he’s going to change things. Now, to that, some people say, “Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” But I say, even if it is broke, don’t fix it. Especially when the break you’re talking about is the great cultural divide of the 1960s.
• See, back then you had your “hippies” vs. your “normals”. Your “peaceniks” vs. your “patriots”. Your “dangerous Black Power radicals” vs. your “one-eyed, Jewish masters of tap“.
• Now, to this day, when our country holds a presidential election, we judge the candidates through the lens of the 1960s. In 1992, in the middle of a crushing recession, we instead focused on whether Bill Clinton had smoked pot at Oxford. [Stephen mouths, "Oh yeah."]
• And in 2004, with wars raging on two fronts, we focused on how one candidate shamefully skirted his duty forty years ago in Vietnam. [Photo of John Kerry] Purple heart, my ass! The real s#!t went down in the Texas Air National Guard!
• And now, Barack Obama is threatening our cherished 60s cultural divide. As Andrew Sullivan wrote in the Atlantic Monthly during the primaries, “[Obama] could take America–finally–past the debilitating, self-perpetuating family quarrel of the baby Boom generation that has long engulfed all of us.”
• But, Nation, there are 78 million Baby Boomers. We cannot deny their political squabbles any more than we can ignore their increasingly prominent ear hair.
• Barack’s “politics of the future” must be stopped, which brings us to tonight’s WØRD: Acid Flashback.
• Folks, since the 60s, Americans have been deeply divided on race, Vietnam and Tupperware. Why does it seal so tightly? What’s it trying to hide? [Last Week's Noodleroni]
• Now, some think Barack Obama has the ability to move past these issues. [Montage of clips, speakers praising Obama as the candidate of the future, calling him "transcendent".] “Transcend” history? Not so fast. Just because Obama was a child during the Vietnam war, that’s no excuse for not serving in it. [Got Kindergarten Deferment]
• Plus, he cannot “transcend” the fact that he is running against John McCain, who is a former P.O.W. [In Case You Hadn't Heard] Which, I believe, technically makes Obama a Viet Cong. [He Hope You Long Time]
• And we all know Obama is cosy with William Ayers, a 60s radical who planted a bomb in the Capitol Building and later went onto even more heinous crimes by becoming a college professor. [Those Who Can't Bomb, Teach]
• Of course, Obama defended his relationship at the Philadelphia debate, by describing Ayers like this. [Clip of Obama: "Somebody who engaged in detestable acts forty years ago when I was eight years old."] That begs an even more disturbing question: What was an eight-year old doing hanging out with bomb-makers?
• Now happily, in the fight to keep Obama tied to the 1960s, we have an ally: The dead. Who are coming back from their 60s graves to claim him. Last week, the National Review’s Kyle-Anne Shiver wrote an article saying, in this election, “What Would MLK Do?” Well, after considering Obama’s position on a number of issues, she concludes, “I think it is quite probable that King, were he alive today, would not vote for Barack Obama.” Thank you, Ms. Shiver, for cutting through the Obama-hype and recognizing that there is no way Dr. King can contradict you. [Although Hopefully He Can Haunt You]
• But tying Barack Obama to one dead 60s icon is not enough. Not when there are so many other dead 60s icons whose opinions on Obama we can pretend to know. For instance, Sen. Robert Kennedy. You might think he’d vote for Obama because of their shared liberal values, but you’d be wrong. Bobby Kennedy had eleven children, so, unlike Obama, he was always in favor of ‘drilling’. [I would like to apologize to the entire Kennedy family on behalf of Stephen, this network and Stephen's parents and ten brothers and sisters.]
• Now, folks, I think there’s one other, maybe two other people that we could refer to here. I’ll give you an example: J. Edgar Hoover would have liked Obama, but not in an appropriate way. [Would Have Wire-tapped That]
• And I’m sure you’d think that Jimi Hendrix would love Obama, but even Hendrix knows Obama is not experienced.
• So Barack Obama, give it up; you’re stuck with the 60s battles. Even your acceptance speech tonight is on the 45th anniversary of Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech; the very movement of the Earth around the sun is keeping you in the 60s! [Sun Actually Goes Around Obama]
• We stick with these forty-year old battles because they are comfortable and familiar. We know how to take sides in these arguments. Besides, if we didn’t, we’d have to address the problems of the present. And who wants to do that? Those things are monsters! [Created In Cheney's Lab]
• So, let us keep fighting the culture wars of our grandparents. Never mind that 50% of today’s Americans weren’t even born when these arguments mattered. [Less Hanoi Hilton, More Paris Hilton] They are still relevant today. The 60s are a political gift that keeps on giving, because they are a wound from which our country can never heal. [As Long As We Keep Picking At It] And that’s The WØRD.
• Folks, yesterday was another big day here in Denver; the Democrats nominated Sen. Barack Obama. Of course, to make it official, they had to have a formal roll call which was not without incident. [Clip from CNN: "Guam, you have nine votes. How do you cast them?" Delegate from Guam: "Four for Sen. Barack Obama, three for Sen. Hillary Clinton."]
• “4 + 3 = 9!” [*Hee! Guam is worse at math than I am!*] You know what? Close enough. It’s Guam.
• Then, in a shocking, totally spontaneous moment, the New York delegation dramatically ended the roll call. [Clip of Hillary, "Let's declare together, in one voice, right here, right now, that Barack Obama is our candidate, and he will be our President!"]
• And then that one voice clearly supported Obama as their candidate. [CNN clip of Hillary backers chanting "Hillary! Hillary!" behind Sen. Clinton] Ah … slightly premature. They were supposed to have saved the “Hillary” chants for Obama’s acceptance speech tonight.
• Now, once it was official, Pres. Clinton passed the torch to Sen. Obama. [Bill Clinton: "Barack Obama is the man for this job."] Of course, everyone loves to hear Pres. Clinton speak, especially Pres. Clinton. [Stephen looks intently into the camera, mouths, "I love you. I love you."] I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I just caught a glimpse of myself in the monitor.
• So, now the Democrats say they’re unified. Well, I don’t believe it, folks. I’ve been listening to their speeches; these people have no idea what they want. [Competing clips of Pres. Clinton telling people to sit down, Sen. Biden exhorting them to get up, and Rep. Kucinich crying, "Wake up, America! Wake up, America!"] Make up your mind!
• The evening concluded with Joe Biden’s speech, where he introduced America to his ninety-year old mother … awww! What an adorable old woman. But sadly, we have now been informed that that was not, in fact, Joe Biden’s mother at all. I believe we have a picture of his actual mother; Jim? Yes, it’s that hideous Chinese girl who was replaced at the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics. Shame on you, Democrats!
• My guest tonight has written a new book on George Washington. He must have done a lot of digging to get that interview. Please welcome, Richard Brookhiser!
• Now your book, here, is called George Washinton On Leadership. Why — and I’m going to go out on a limb here — why should we listen to George Washington? Because in my mind, that guy was just a bomb-throwing revolutionary … He overthrew the established order. Don’t get me wrong, I honor him because he was the President but, before that, he was real trouble.
• Brookhiser: Well, he overthrew it because the established order was taking away our rights. It was depriving us of rights –
• Stephen: But sometimes the established order has to take away our rights to protect us.
• Brookhiser: Well, no. It never has to take away our rights; it does not. And they were taking away rights we’d enjoyed as British subjects, as colonials; they were taking away rights we had enjoyed as men, as human beings.
• Stephen: But they weren’t taking away the women’s rights, because they didn’t have any, irght?
• Brookhiser: Do you know — do you know when the first women ni the world voted?
• Stephen: When did the first women in the world vote?
• Brookhiser: 1776, New Jersey.
• Stephen: Really? Those Jersey girls are tough!
• Brookhiser: They had the vote, they kept the vote until 1807. They had it for thirty-one years.
• Stephen: Really.
• Brookhiser: Yes they did.
• Stephen: Then they lost it? They “misplaced” it down their stockings?
• Brookhiser: They were scapegoated.
• Stephen: Scapegoated?
• Brookhiser: There was an extraordinarily corrupt election in New Jersey — some things never change — but, uh, so the New Jersey legislature got very moralistic, and they said, “Well, we have to, like, change things to make sure this never happens again.” So they said, “Clearly, we can’t have women.”
• Stephen: “The women were the problem.”
• Brookhiser: That’s right, the women were the problem.
• Stephen: Okay, people say Washington was a great President, and I’ll bite: Why was he so great? Or do we just think of him as great because he was first? You know? He got to make his mark.
• Brookhiser: Well, one thing he did — and one of the first things he did — is he left. He served for two terms, and then he went home. He quit.
• Stephen: He’s a quitter.
• Brookhiser: No.
• Stephen: “President Quitter.”
• Brookhiser: He did his job, but then he finished it, and he went back …
• We’re trying to pick a new President right now; was he a good President? What abilities did he have that made him good.
• Brookhiser: Well, he was able to pick people to do things that needed doing, and to rely on them even when he was not expert in their fields. He was willing to trust people –
• Stephen: So, surrounded himself with smart people, like Cheney and Rumsfeld.
• Brookhiser: Surrounded himself with smart people like Hamilton and Jefferson.
• Stephen: Right.
• Brookhiser: And, you know, he didn’t understand modern finance, Alexander Hamilton did, so –
• Stephen: So he’s a lot like John McCain; he doesn’t understand modern finance. [Brookhiser laughing] So McCain — McCain is Washington!
• Brookhiser: They were both military men; that is a similarity.
• Stephen: Both military men, who can’t use a computer. Go on.
• Brookhiser: If you find that any President is using the computer, let’s impeach them. I mean, I don’t want them online, looking for Angelina Jolie’s “baby bump”; I want them working.
• Stephen: [laughing] Good point. Good point. That’s all people use computers for, is to find Angelina Jolie’s “baby bump”. Let me ask you something … you’re the Editor of the National Review; do — are you guys online?
• Brookhiser: Yes we are.
• Stephen: But you don’t suggest people go over there –
• Brookhiser: [both men laughing] But I’m not President of the United States.
• Stephen: Now, could Washington get elected now, in this political atmosphere, or would the press obsess over things like, you know, “He doesn’t have a flag lapel pin on his slaves.”
• Brookhiser: [laughing] Whihc he all freed in his will, by the way. Freed all his slaves.
• Stephen: When he died … Yeah, you guys, now, go on. That’s very generous.
• Brookhiser: More than any other slave-owning President did. More than Thomas Jefferson, or James Madison.
• Stephen: Thomas Jefferson actually made more slaves.
• Brookhiser: Well, uh … that’s right. He was “Father of his Country” in a different way.
• Stephen: Let’s talk about the famous things like his teeth, okay?
• Brookhiser: You don’t want to know about his teeth … You don’t want to know about eighteenth century dentistry.
• Stephen: Oh, I do.
• Brookhiser: No, you don’t.
• Stephen: The rumor is that they were hippo ivory.
• Brookhiser: Yes, they were.
• Stephen: So is George Washington — everybody is saying here that Barack Obama is like, a big breakthrough, but dont’ we forget that George Washington was our first, part hippo President? I mean, that’s from Africa!
• Brookhiser: [laughing] Let me chew that over a little bit.
• Stephen: Okay, chew it over, and you come back and tell me about it.

Fangirl Suit Report: Steel grey striped suit (grey on grey), light blue shirt with two-button barrel cuffs. Navy blue tie. WristSTRONG bracelet.

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