Episode 4105 (8/13/08)

“Tonight’s Colbert penny-pincher: if you’re out of milk, add water to yogurt. This is The Colbert Report!”

Justice Got Served: “Tonight, scandal hits the Department of Justice. Turns out Ashcroft was lip-synching ‘Let the Eagle Soar’ while it was sung by a less attractive Attorney General.”

• The WØRD: Blame Monica Goodling

A View To A Drill: “Then, will offshore drilling solve the energy crisis? Or should we wait for global warming to make everything offshore?”

• Formidable Opponent

Meyer Beware: “And, my guest tonight is Dick Meyer, author of the book ‘Why We Hate Us.’ If by ‘us’ he means him, and by ‘we,’ he means me, I’ve got the answer.”

• Guest: Author Dick Meyer, ‘Why We Hate Us: American Discontent in the New Millennium‘

In closing: “Well, folks, that’s our show for the evening. From all of us here at WPRG Channel 11, goodnight. I bought that goodbye on Ebay.”

Video Highlight: Formidable Opponent – Offshore Drilling: Stephen and Stephen play three-card Monte to explain offshore drilling.

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Full Episode Video – August 13, 2008
• Intro – 8/13/08: It turns out Ashcroft was lip-syncing “Let the Eagle Soar” while it was sung by a less attractive attorney general.
• Stephen’s World Record: No one noticed that last night Stephen shattered the world record for total number of Colbert Reports.
• John McCain Steals From Wikipedia: Wikipedia gets its facts from the American people, which means John McCain is now using the people’s voice — or at least lip-syncing to it.
• The WØRD – Blame Monica Goodling: Whoever hired Monica Goodling had no way of knowing she would interview employees for the Justice Department in a partisan manner.
• Dick Meyer: Dick Meyer believes there’s a difference between individualism and selfishness.
• Goodbye From WPRG: Stephen says the goodbye he bought on eBay.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Welcome to the Report, this little intimate gathering of truth-seekers.
• No one even noticed last night that I shattered the world record for total number of Colbert Reports! 435! A record many said was unbreakable and which had stood since the night before. So knock it off, Phelps! I’m all for Americans kicking a little international ass, as long as it’s before 11:30 or after midnight.
• John McCain: “I’m an illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all the assistance that I can get.” Which confirms a long-standing rumor that Cindy McCain is half computer.
• Now, a lot of people have said a guy who can’t use a computer is the wrong person for the White House. Well last time I checked, the president only needs to know how to press one button.
• Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country’s leader as President 404 Error: File Not Found.
• Of course McCain said ‘countries,’ Wikipedia said ‘nations.’ Those words are interchangeable, just like ‘Sunnis’ and ‘Shiites.’ Now I think McCain getting his facts from Wikipedia is great news. Wikipedia gets its facts from the American people, which means McCain is now using the people’s voice. Or at least lip-synching to it.
• Plus the Internet can be a creepy place. But it’s a lot less creepy than McCain’s previous source of policy information – Joe Lieberman.
• Ironically, Lieberman often needs similar help when he gets confused about the difference between Republicans and Democrats.
• I was shocked. Almost as shocked as I was to hear that it’s a federal offense to open other people’s mail. By the way, Meg? Your grandmother says happy birthday. *Opens a card, pockets the cash inside*
• The Inspector General’s Office put the guilty party’s name right in the title of the report. Monica Goodling. Nobody saw this coming. Monica Goodling was opposition-researcher for George Bush’s 2000 presidential campaign, which means she dug up dirt on Democratic rivals in order to destroy them. [Dems Don't Need The Help]
• Now, whoever hired her had no way of knowing she would interview employees for the Justice Department in a partisan manner! [So They Told Her To]
• Somehow Goodling got the idea to use politics in her hiring decisions without – and this is important – without any of her superiors’ knowledge. [They Were Busy Drafting Torture Memos]
• You see, Goodling asked applicants questions like, ‘What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him?’ [Will Protect Me From Cheney]
• Goodling also blocked the promotion of a female prosecutor because she was suspected of being a lesbian. [Too Eager To Serve Bush]
• She even, she even arranged for a friend of Karl Rove to replace the U.S. Attorney in Arkansas, an idea she clearly cooked up all by herself. After all, we know Karl Rove wasn’t involved because he refuses to testify. [Besides, At The Time He Was Doing Something Much Worse]
• I mean, come on. How much more evidence of his own innocence does this man not have to provide? Others point the finger at Alberto Gonzales, who some think has some magical power over the Department of Justice just because his job was to lead it. [Habeus Pocus]
• But the Inspector’s report gives Alberto Gonzales an iron-clad alibi. The then-Attorney General was, quote, “oblivious to what Goodling was doing.” Exercising the ultimate form of impartiality; total ignorance. [Also Qualified To Be Defense Secretary]
• I don’t think you can blame all the problems of the past seven years on Monica Goodling. She wasn’t responsible for the abuse at Abu Ghraib. That was Linda England’s fault. No one in the administration gave any tacit approval for torture. And of course, Linda England wasn’t responsible for the Valerie Plame scandal. That was Valerie Plame’s fault. Who also sent her husband to not find evidence Saddam Hussein was buying yellow-caked uranium so we can also blame her for there not being any WMDs. Now clearly, we as a nation have lost our moral compass. Politics has become a shallow enterprise for narcissists, which of course is the fault of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Not to mention the diminished influence of religion in our society, thanks to evolution, which was the fault of Lucy. This is all, of course, the natural result of the fall of man, thanks a lot Eve. So, Justice Department officials, you are off the hook. [And On FoxNews]
• But Attorney General Mukasey, make sure you make an example of Monica Goodling. Because while it’s important that we never have this kind of abuse again, it’s far more important that we have someone expendable to blame. [Blame Monica Goodling]
• Formidable Opponent:
• Stephen, thanks for coming.
• No biggie, I was bored. Now, you’re reimbursing me for gas, right?
• Sure, you have a receipt?
• Here you go *hands receipt over*
• Okey-dokey. . . two hundred dollars?!
• Stephen, that’s why we need off-shore drilling.
• Why don’t you just get a fuel-efficient car?
• Nah, I already have an SUV that I really like. Plus shopping and doing research for a new car, that’s a lot of work. Seems easier just to bore giant holes into the earth a thousand feet underwater.
• Right, stupid. Offshort drilling it is.
• But then again, the oil companies already have 68 million acres that they’re not using.
• Oh. Then they should just drill there. Good point.
• Not really. Since they already have those oil leases, whether or not they drill won’t affect the oil speculators.
• The spectu-who?
• Speculators. You ever wonder why oil is so expensive?
• Illegal immigrants?
• Not this time.
• Damn!
• Actually, it was a trick question.
• Oh, I know this one! You have to leave the fox with the grain, and it turns out the doctor’s his mother!
• No. See, the answer is, there’s no real reason for oil to be expensive. We’ve actually got a lot of it right now.
• So supply and demand says, it should be cheap.
• Should be. But speculators buy and sell today’s oil based on what they guess it’s going to cost later.
• So my expensive gas is actually cheap right now, but I have to pay a lot more for it because later it might cost a lot more?
• Yes. But if we say we’re gonna drill offshore, the speculators won’t pay a lot of money for oil now, because there might be a lot more of it later.
• Like there is now.
• Exactly.
• So, by that logic, we should drill everywhere.
• Yes. Think of it this way. You ever play three-card monte?
• Ooh, I love that game! I always win!
• You do?
• Yeah! Until I lose. But, what does that have to do with offshore drilling?
• Okay, I’ll tell you after you put your money down.
• Okay. Sorry, Meg.
• Okay, thank you. Now, the object of the game is to find the Queen, all right, keep your eye on the Queen. All right, keep your eye on the Queen. Let’s say the Queen is oil. All right, you’re always looking for her, always gotta keep your eye on the Queen. Where’d the Queen go? I want the Queen. I love the ladies. All right. But if we only drill in certain places, it’s harder for all of us to win. But if I let you pick all three cards. . .
• I can’t lose!
• So, which card is it?
• I pick all three!
• Okay, let’s see if you win. *picks up a drill and starts drilling through the table*
• What are you doing?!
• I’m seeing if you won!
• I had to win!
• We won’t know for sure for eight to ten years!
• But you’re ruining my table! Stop!
• Fine! You know what, I’ve actually been investing in an alternative game. All you have to do is find the pea under the shell.
• So where are the shells?
• We haven’t fully developed the shell technology yet, and unfortunately creating that pea could cost billions of dollars. But, we should have it up and running by 2050.
• What?!
• Hey, it’s your choice. The game that doesn’t exist yet, or the one that destroys your furniture.
• Well, I – I guess I’ll go with destroying my furniture. That way at least I get to play.
• You, sir, are a player.
• And you are a Formidable Opponent.
• What’s this ‘we’ stuff? You got a mouse in your pocket? I, we, love us. Who’s this ‘we’ you’re talking about?
• That’s not ‘we hate us,’ that’s ‘I hate you.’
• Meyer: Not the petty part of the book, but the everyday gripes that I try to describe. In the book what I try to do is connect it to the big issues in society.
• Stephen: What are the big issues in society, like right turn on red in New York City?
• I look in the mirror all the time, and I like what I see. Sounds like you don’t like you.
• Meyer: It’s not a ‘red meat’ kind of hate. It’s a mild mild sort of perpetual allergy to the prevailing culture.
• Momma said you don’t hate, you intensely dislike.
• This book does seem a little crotchety.
• Meyer: Look, I am not the secret love-child of Andy Rooney.
• Meyer: You’re interrupting me, and that’s rude.
• Stephen: No, that’s my job.
• You work at National Public Radio now, correct? I’ll tell you what’s rude – interrupting the broadcast to raise cash.
• But then again, Jesus himself said, ‘I got mine, Jack.’

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, white shirt with French cuffs, pale blue tie. WristSTRONG bracelet.