Episode 4099 (08/04/2008)

“America, I wear the pants in this relationship [checks self out] … most of the time. This is The Colbert Report!”

Ad-Versity: “Tonight: I examine John McCain’s new commercial. Good news! It’s a ‘talkie’.”

• Democrats in Congress turn off the lights for recess
• McCain’s “Celeb” ad
• Ryan Seacrest bitten by shark

The WØRD: We the People

Gouge Lucas: “And my guest Lucas Conley has written a book about our obsession with branding. I can’t wait to hear what he has to say in the ‘Dr. Pepper Interview Quench Zone’!”

• Main guest: Lucas Conley — Author, OBD: Obsessive Branding Disorder: The Illusion of Business and the Business of Illusion

Apples Jacked: “Then the band Apples in stereo performs. I’ve been a fan of theirs since they were the Apples in mono.”

• The Apples perform “Can You Feel It?”

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

OBD: Obsessive Branding Disorder: The Illusion of Business and the Business of Illusion

In closing: “Ladies and gentlemen, to celebrate the release of the Japanese picture disc of the song ‘Stephen, Stephen’, please welcome friends of the show Apples in stereo performing ‘Can You Feel It?’ [The Apples perform] The Apples in stereo, everybody! Good night.”

Video Highlight: Lucas Conley — Lucas Conley tells Stephen about America’s obsession with branding in his Dr. Pepper interview.

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Full Episode Video – link to be added when it’s made available
• Daily/Colbert – Alphabet Game: Stephen challenges Jon to a little alphabet game.
• Intro – 8/4/08: Stephen examines John McCain’s latest campaign commercial. Good news: it’s a talkie.
• Democrats’ Five-Week Recess: The do-nothing Democrats in Congress begin a five-week recess. If they’re not passing bills, what is the president supposed to veto?
• The Word – We the People: Stephen already knew he’d never vote for Obama, but he didn’t realize how much he’d love to vote for Britney Spears.
• Ryan Seacrest’s Shark Attack: Now that the shark has had a taste of Ryan Seacrest, it’s only a matter of time before they come looking for Stephen.
• The Apples in stereo: The Apples in stereo perform “Can You Feel It?” from their album “New Magnetic Wonder.”

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Nation, everybody slacks off in August; it is the laziest month of the summer. If I didn’t have this show to do, the only thing I’d be shaving is my face.
• But the do-nothing Democrats in Congress have taken it too far, folks. On Friday, they began a five-week recess. If they’re not in Congress passing bills, what is the President supposed to veto?
• And they go on recess just before lifting the ban on offshore drilling. Apparently, someone wants to get in one last oceanfront vacation before the derricks go up.
• Now, House Republicans are protesting this recess by continuing to debate. Last Friday, they kept talking for hours after the Democratic leadership turned off the lights and microphones. I believe Nancy Pelosi also licked the gavel so Republicans couldn’t use it.
• Folks, this makes me furious! Listen to what Nancy Pelosi told George Stephanopoulos about the offshore drilling debate. [Clip of Pelosi saying, "What you saw in the Congress this week was the war dance of the handmaidens of the oil companies."] No, we didn’t see the war dance of the handmaidens of the oil companies, because you turned off the lights, Nancy!
• Of course, in rebuttal, Minority Leader John Boehner called Pelosi’s statement the “Jitterbug of the call-girls of the Trial Lawyers’ Association,” to which Pelosi responded, “That’s just the yodeling of the cabin-boys of agri-business.” These and other insults can be found in Congressional Mad Libs.
• Nation, with weeks to go before the conventions, both Presidential candidates are doing anything for publicity. First, Obama goes on a world tour, then McCain washes up on the shore in Montauk.
• Last week, Senator McCain unveiled a new attack ad called “Celeb”. Jim? [Clip from "Celeb"] Exactly. Electing a celebrity is something the Republican Party would never do. [Graphic shows Ronald Reagan, Sonny Bono and Arnold Schwarzenegger]
• Critics are saying this ad appeals to the “lowest common denominator”, and that it “smacks of desperation”. The ad even led to a furious phone call from Paris Hilton’s grandfather. Apparently, when he heard that McCain had made a video with Paris, he assumed the worst.
• Yes, the entire media is calling this ad a mistake. For once, they are right. Which brings us to tonight’s WØRD: We The People.
• Folks, this ad is a disaster for the McCain campaign. Sure, it gets its facts right, for instance, the fact that all celebrities are exactly the same. [Thanks To Plastic Surgery]
• So, clearly, there is no difference between Senator Obama, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. [K-Fed Had Babies With All Three]
• First, all of them are hounded by the press, they all look great on camera, and all three were professors of Constitutional Law at the University of Chicago. They had very popular classes. [Often Forgot Their Legal Briefs]
• And who can forget Paris’ stunningly honest memoir, Cash From My Father?
• So, everything in the ad was true, but it was still a mistake for McCain. Because while I already knew I’d never vote for Barack Obama, I didn’t realize how much I’d love to vote for Britney Spears. She would be the perfect Republican nominee! As the McCain ad proves, she’s just as qualified as Barack Obama, and she’s got the same strong policy positions as John McCain. [Clip of Britney saying, "I think we should just trust our President in every decision that he makes."] What a maverick!
• Of course, they aren’t exactly the same; I think Britney knows the difference between Sunnis and Shiites. [Also Thinks Lieberman is Creepy] Plus, Britney has got the necessary toughness. McCain may have been a prisoner of war for five years, but Britney was a Mouseketeer.
• Plus, Britney appeals to young people and Southerners, and she’s very pro-family. [But Anti-Seatbelt]
• So I say, Republicans, it is not too late to draft Britney. Imagine the thrill at the convention when she accepts your nomination and then tongues Kay Bailey Hutchison.
• Senator McCain, because of your own ad, your only hope is to accept this nomination while wearing an albino snake. If nothing else, it’ll make you look tan.
• Nation, if you’re like me, you have your Google Alert set to “Ryan Seacrest” and “animal attack”. Well, lo and behold, my inbox lit up last week with the terrible, wonderful news that Ryan Seacrest was bitten by a shark.
• Of course, in accordance with Seacrest’s American Idol contract, the shark was sponsored by Ford.
• This vicious attack was perpetrated by one of the most feared creatures of the deep: the baby sand shark. Interestingly, the sand shark is not known to attack humans, which may explain why he went for Seacrest.
• Nation, this is a disaster! Now that sharks have had a taste of a television personality, it’s only a matter of time before they come looking for the good stuff. [Photo of Stephen] And me so delicious! My luscious shanks, my tender loins, and I don’t mind telling you, I got plenty of meat in the tail.
• Now I’m going to have to stop swimming with my lucky bucket of chum.
• Nation, we must discourage sharks from eating television celebrities. We know they already have a taste for movie stars. [Clip from Deep Blue Sea]
• My guest tonight has written a book that says branding overrides our brains. I don’t know about that, but it sure makes us thirsty [Stephen shows off a bottle of Dr. Pepper]. Please welcome Lucas Conley!
• Your book is called OBD: Obsessive Branding Disorder … How could branding, even “obsessive branding”, be disorder? This is a capitalist society, you’ve gotta advertise for things. What could be wrong with branding?
• Conley: Well, I can’t tell you, Stephen, I don’t if it was between the time when I heard that the Vatican was coming out with its own credit card or when a mother in Connecticut was selling the naming rights to her own child for fifteen grand to an online casino, but I knew that something was out of order.
• Stephen: Well, first of all, the Vatican credit card — you can just pay off your sins — they’ve been doing that since the Middle Ages. But as for naming things, sir, I mean, everything gets named; it’s just a matter of exchanging cash. For instance, this interview right now is being sponsored by Dr. Pepper! Mmmm.
• Conley: Oh, I’m sorry. Is there some confusion? I’ve been sponsored by Sunkist tonight, Stephen.
• Stephen: You’ve been sponsored by Sunkist?
• Conley: I apologize. Maybe there’s some confusion.
• Stephen: Well, good luck getting your can on air.
• *Editor’s note: You know what? Just watch the rest of this interview. From foot-flavored Kool-Aid to a truly over the top moment with a Harley Davidson birthday candle, this one really should be seen.*

Read other first impressions on this episode here!

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, white shirt with two-button barrel cuffs. Gold tie with pattern of squares. WristSTRONG bracelet.

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