Episode 4096 (07/29/2008)

I always give 110%, so the way I see it, somebody owes me a 10% refund. This is The Colbert Report!”

Geneva Circumvention: “Tonight, there are new guidelines for CIA interrogators. But you’ll never get them out of me!”

• Sen. Stevens indictment
• John McCain mustache challenge

The Wørd: Honest Belief

Carbon Cop: “Plus, I sit down with Eric Roston, who has written a book on CO2 emissions. I’ll cut our interview’s emissions in half by not letting him talk.”

• 52nd installment of Better Know a District – New York’s 14th: Carolyn Maloney (D)

New York State of Mine: “Then, I’m moving on up to the east side, for a deluxe profile of New York’s 14th district.”

• Eric Roston – Author, “The Carbon Age: How Life’s Core Element Has Become Civilization’s Greatest Threat”

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

Carolyn Maloney – Rumors of Our Progress Have Been Greatly Exaggerated: Why Women’s Lives Aren’t Getting Any Easier–And How We Can Make Real Progress For Ourselves and Our Daughters

Eric Roston - The Carbon Age: How Life’s Core Element Has Become Civilization’s Greatest Threat

In closing: “That is it for our show tonight. If you learned a little bit about yourself tonight, you’ve been wasting your time. You were supposed to be learning about me. Good night!”

Video Highlight:

[Coming Soon!]

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

[Coming Soon!]

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• The Justice department is calling this a conflict of interest. Puh-leeze! Veco is a major oil drilling company, and Senator Stevens worked tirelessly to allow drilling in ANWR. That’s not a conflict of interest, their interests line up perfectly.
• I look forward to Sen. Stevens being proven innocent when President Bush commutes his sentence.
• [after clip of McCain imploring people to wear sunscreen this summer] That is a follow up to his recent “Wear clean underwear” initiative.
• It could be that McCain’s problem is spiritual, that would explain why he’s seeking the guidance of the Dali Lama. That could also explain why McCain is frequently meditating in the Senate.
• Of course, Giambi is an admitted steroid user, so he didn’t actually mean to grow that mustache. Or the ones over his nipples.
• The right ‘stache will help you reach key demographics, like truck drivers, porn stars, gay porn stars, mongols, and Wilfred Brimley.
• Nation, there hasn’t been a terrorist attack on US soil for seven years. Which means we’re in more danger than ever. It’s like a slot machine that hasn’t paid out in months. We’ve already crammed billions of dollars and the constitution into it. So it’s due.
• We must use every tool to keep America safe. That includes what I call “enhanced interrogation techniques” for the same reason I call hitting cyclists with my car an “enhanced turn signal.”
• Little known fact: Torture is illegal. [Not Little Known Enough for Cheney]
• After all, enemy combatants can’t judge if they’ve been tortured. They don’t have law degrees. [Another Reason Jewish Mothers Don't like Them]
• So I say to any aspiring interrogators out there, here’s some pointers. Screaming can indicate severe pain. If you here it, crank up your iPod. [Try "Hit Me With Your Best Shot"
• Also, try putting your detainee in a costume. I don't care what a guy's face looks like, if it's surrounded by a bumblebee costume, he's having fun.
• So I say, go Medieval [Also Administration's Science Policy]
• The 14th is also home to Central Park, which has been called the Crown Jewel of New York City’s park system. Presumably because it’s where many gentleman show Manhattan their jewels.
• I sat down with Congressman Maloney in my studio which I pretended was her office.
• From BKAD:
• Stephen: He could fly, do you have any super powers?
  Maloney: No.
  Stephen: I bet you wish you had X-ray vision right now, huh?
  Maloney: [Looks Stephen up and down and grins]
• Stephen: I don’t want to sound like a sexist, but I have some sexist things to say, how do I do that?
• Stephen: If I compliment a woman on her breasts, that’s discrimination. But when another woman says, Hey, nice breasts, that’s just friendly banter. Right? I can’t get away with it – thats bad, I’m wrong, suddenly I’m a bad boss.
• Stephen: Just touching on the breasts one last time … I don’t want to think we’re on opposite sides of women’s breasts here. This isn’t a fight, we can both agree on that, right? Ok? They’re great! High five? High five!
• Stephen: Just listen to the sound of this [turns on breast pump] Now, let’s just continue the conversation … I’m sorry, is this distracting you in any way?
• Stephen: And that … is where Gatorade comes from.
• From Eric Roston interview:
• Stephen: Are you saying that carbon is the Al Qaida of elements? Because I’ve got my eye on Xenon.
• Stephen: If I could find a car that ran on diamonds, I would do it, because it would be cheaper than going to the pump right now.
• Stephen: There’s carbon in my pants? Is that anything like having lead in your pencil.
• Roston: It’s a portal to understanding who we are and how our world works.
  Stephen: So Carbon is a window into myself?
  Roston: … and conceivably your soul.
  Stephen: Shh … I’m going to let that sink in for a sec.
• Roston: How long would you like to be in a room filled only of air that you have already exhaled?
  Stephen: I can suck the air out of a room really fast … I don’t know.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, Crisp white shirt with barrel cuffs, Yellow tie with maroon striped pattern.