Episode 4093 (07/23/08)

“This is a no-smoking building! Then what am I doing here? This is The Colbert Report!”

Suck Exchange: “Tonight, how bad is our economy? Well, I’ll give you my two cents, which used to be a dollar.”

• The WØRD: Join The European Union

Coffee Clench: “And Starbucks is closing 600 stores. Now what will all those baristas do before band practice?”

Naseating: “Plus, I sit down with multi-platinum rapper Nas. He may have street cred, but I have gated community cred!”

• Guest: Multi-platinum rapper Nas

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

Rapper Nas – Untitled‘Untitled’
ColorOfChange.org: The petition to Fox News that was featured on the show.

In closing: “Nas. *Nas performs ‘Sly Fox‘* “Mr. Nas, thank you so much! Green, thank you! The album is. . . quite good! Thank you again, Nas. Goodnight everybody. See you tomorrow!”

Video Highlight:

Nas Pt. 1
Stephen wants to know why Nas challenged Bill O’Reilly to a debate instead of a freestyle rap contest.

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Full Episode Guide – Wednesday, July 23, 2008
• Intro – 7/23/08 : How bad is our economy? Stephen gives you his two cents, which used to be a dollar.
• Starbucks Closings : The “Save Our Starbucks” campaign is the kind of grass-roots activism Stephen likes — the kind that helps sprawling corporate behemoths.
• The WØRD – Join the European Union : If the European Union doesn’t let us in, we’ll sue them for geographic discrimination.
• ColorofChange.org Petition: Nas responds to Bill O’Reilly like the gangsta that he is — with a petition.
• Nas Pt. 2: Nas performs “Sly Fox” off his new Untitled album.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Oh, that is the stuff, right there. I’m sorry, I’m not quite myself today. This is my 16th cup of coffee and my seventeenth actual cup. I, uh, I accidentally ate my twelfth cup. Thought it was a plastic-and-cardboard biscotti.
• Now that I’m not spending four dollars a cup, what am I supposed to do with that extra money? Buy a Joni Mitchell cd? Oh wait, I can’t. All the Starbucks are closing.
• This is the kind of grass-roots activism I like. The kind that helps sprawling corporate behemoths. And to think, I was about to sign this petition to end the violence in Darfur. What was I thinking? They don’t make frappucinos! Think about it, Bono.
• What’s next? They close the Starbucks under my desk?
• Barry Julien: Grande triple-shot whole milk latte?
• Stephen: That’s me! I SAID LOW FOAM! *Poor Barry Julien!*
• Without IndyMac, where will IndyBands put all the money they’re not making?
• The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective, that’s more than a dollar.
• Join the European Union. Okay. It sounds extreme, but hear me out. I may not like soccer, but I love winners. And right now, Europe’s running up the score. [In Soccer Terms, 1-0]
• You see, we can join the winning side. Think about it. Our money will be just as strong as the Euro if our money was the Euro. We’re halfway there already – have you seen the color of the new five? I believe that shade over there is known as Amsterdam Hash House Indigo. To join the E.U., all you you have to do is meet what they call the Copenhagen Criteria. Okay, I got it right here. It is a list of standards for candidate countries. [Step One: Draw The Prophet Muhammed]
• Um, let’s see. We’ve got, um, let’s see, ‘Membership requires that candidate countries have achieved stability of institutions guaranteeing democracy and the rule of law.’ Got that. [Except in Florida]
• Ah, let’s see. Um. . . okay, here we go. ‘Respect for minorities;’ well, I’m having Nas on; and ‘the existence of a functioning market economy.’ Well, that’s hardly fair. If we had a functioning market economy, we wouldn’t need to join the E.U. in the first place. You know what? You know what, forget it. They’ll let us in. They let Estonia in. [Won Scratch-Off Contest]
• Now, of course, technically, members have to be part of Europe. But this is where we get ‘em. The E.U. is crammed with anti-discrimination laws. [And Nervous Muslims]
• So, if they gives us trouble, we turn their precious tolerance against them and sue for geographic discrimination. [Affirmative Mapping]
• You see, folks, I don’t see race, so why should they see continents? [Didn't See Africa For Centuries]
• Of course, we will have to make some sacrifices. We will be stuck with universal health care, and our cars will be much smaller. [Because They'll Be Bicycles]
• Personally, I will have to change my glasses, and convert my rage into dissipated ennui. Eh. [Tip of the Beret, Shrug of the Shoulders]
• Now, I know what you’re saying. I know what you’re saying, folks. ‘Join the E.U.?! Stephen, are you serious or are you drunk!’ The answer? Both. [It's Hump Day]
• You see, I – *takes a big swig from a tall beer stein* That really balances out the ventis, I gotta say. I am trying to get used to their beer. It is so much stronger than Bud Light with Lime. [So Is Sunny D]
• Now folks, I am not the only one who’s had one too many around here. Here’s President Bush recently explaining how the U.S. economy got into such bad shape. [Bush: "Wall Street got drunk."]
  See? There’s nothing we can do! We don’t have many economic options right now because Wall Street got drunk. [And We Got The Hangover]
• So, I say, it’s off to join the E.U. [Or A.A.] And that’s the WØRD.
• Now, this Nas character has a well-known beef with Papa Bear O’Reilly. It’s one of the biggest news-rap feuds since Lil Jon’s feud with with Tucker Carlson, over who was less qualified to host a news show. Oh – by the way, congratulations to Lil Jon, for being named the new host of ‘Washington Week in Review.’
• Nas, you do not want to mess with O’Reilly. He will pop a loofah in your ass.
• If that does not convince you rap’s a bad idea, nothing will. By the way, before he was a newsman, Geraldo used to rap by the name M.C. Stache.
• Nothing says thug-like more than a clearly worded argument submitted in writing, and supported by the signatures of concerned citizens.
• We are sitting on, literally, these twenty crates, are the petition that you brought to Fox Ne – unless this is the Starbucks petition. Is that it?
• It’s Fox and Friends, not Fox and Racists!
• May I quote you from your own song? Oh really, O’Reilly?
• Why a debate? Why not a freestyle rap contest? Is it because you know he drops rhymes like atom bombs, rightin’ wrongs, and collectin’ blondes and Rolexes on his arms?
• *Editor’s note: Ouch, my ears.*
• Some things cannot be forgiven, sir.
• Nas: Hey, but you know what I wanted to know? How did the guns wind up in my neighborhood? Guns that said ‘Made in Israel,’ ‘Made in Austria,’ how did they wind up in my neighborhood?
• Stephen: It’s called the free market, sir, supply and demand. You must have wanted one.
• Nas: Well, we need a show on that. Not about the music that talks about what happened in my community.
• Nas: And I’m not a gangster rapper.
• Stephen: You’re not?
• Nas: Just for the record.
• Stephen: Would it be okay with you if I just keep saying you are? Because that’s a much easier thing. Cause I understand the gangster rap.
• Nas: I can call you a gangster host, that’s a pretty mafioso suit you’re wearing.
• Stephen: Thank you very much, sir! I am a gangster host! And I will pop the truth in your ass!
• You know what? I’ll just say it backwards. Reggin.
• Nas: Reggin. There’s nothing wrong with reggin!
• Stephen: Reggin, please!

Fangirl Suit Report: Dark grey pinstripe suit, white shirt with French cuffs, silver-blue tie with diamond pattern, WristStrong bracelet.

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