Episode 4090 (07/17/2008)

Rush everybody! This is The Colbert Report!”

Segment 1:

• Gas crisis and 4 shortage
• Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger
• Tip: Subway, for bringing back mealtime surprises
• Wag: Subway, for not putting a knife in every sandwich
• Big Wag: Australia
• Tip: To guy who put up Please Don’t Vote For A Democrat sign, for saying Please.

Segment 2:

• Make McCain Exciting challenge

Segment 3:

• Elizabeth Edwards – Author, Saving Graces

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

• Elizabeth Edwards, Saving Graces: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers
• Esquire magazine

In closing: “Nation, I’m sure you’ve all purchased this photo of me on the cover of Esquire. I look good. But strangely, I have some mixed feelings about it. You see, I thought the magazine was comparing me to the Christian martyr, St. Sebastian, and I figured this was the first step towards sainthood. I immediately went to the DMV and tried to get Saint added to my driver’s license. No go. Apparently the photo is a reference to a 1968 Esquire cover featuring draft dodger Muhammad Ali.

Now, I like being compared to one of the most famous men in the history of the world. He was the greatest, I am also the greatest. He floated like a butterfly and stang like a bee, I soar like an eagle and sting like an eagle with a scorpion in its mouth. But on the other hand, Ali was stripped of his title in 1968 for refusing to serve in Viet Nam. I tried to enlist in 1968, and I was only 4. And Muhammad? That’s a Muslim name, if you’re going to compare me to a famous boxer, at least make it an American hero like Cassius Clay. Whatever happened to that guy? He wins a gold medal and then suddenly disappears.

But I’ve got a solution, Nation. To avoid all that confusion, just stick the first couple of pages together and turn directly to this ad. Whoo boy! Feel free to compare me to that guy! I know I will later tonight. Good night everybody!”

Video Highlight:

OFEC
Gas station owners never expected the price of gas to get this high, so no one bought enough number fours for the signs. No one that is, except for Stephen!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Full Episode Video – Thursday July 17, 2008
• Intro – 7/17/08: Stephen wakes up as Rush finishes “Tom Sawyer” from last night.
• Tip/Wag – 9/11 Billboard: Just because you’re linking Democrats to 9/11, doesn’t mean you have to be rude.
• Green Screen Challenge – Bill O’Reilly Rant : John McCain is united with Stephen’s other favorite person, Bill O’Reilly.
• Elizabeth Edwards : Stephen tells Elizabeth Edwards we already have universal health care. It’s called prayer.
• Esquire Cover: If Esquire is going to compare Stephen to a famous boxer, at least make it an American hero like Cassius Clay.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• [shaves himself] Be right with you. [Reads USAToday, flushes]
• For many, burning down an ex-girlfriend’s house is now tragically out of reach.
• That’s right, there is a “4″ shortage. I know what you’re thinking – the 4 has probably been replaced with illegal Mexican Quatros.
• I got ‘em all! I’ve got all the 4’s! Whoo! I’m rolling in them! I’ve been hoarding these 4’s for years!
• Organization of Four Exporting Colberts
• But the hight cost of 4’s is out of my control for so many reasons. I’ll give you four. Global demand, Geopolitical instability, Sustained investment, and the soaring cost of pie charts.
• And don’t bother trying to develop alternative sources of 4’s, because I have already cornered the market on upside-down, lower-case h.
• an inconvenient prize ["surprisingly difficult to open"]
• This is great! I can finally realize my dream of cutting my sandwich with another sandwich. Now we know how Jared lost all that weight – he swallowed a knife and gave himself a gastric bypass.
• At the very least, offer it as a topping.
• There is a component to my audience that I don’t know about, evidentially tonight.
• It is a mystery, the biggest mystery in Australia since Nicole Kidman married this guy [Keith Urban].
• There is no need to prank him with a Koala!
• Wow, I have not seen a political message that strong since the congressional race in California’s 8th. [Billboard: Nancy Pelosi Eats Babies]
• Just because you’re linking people whose politics you disagree with to the greatest mass murder on US soil, there is no reason to be rude.
• Even John McCain would admit he’s not the most compelling speaker. Of course, he’d admit it in a monotone using robotic hand gestures.
• But not too much pizazz, pizazz makes him gassy.
• With these things on, it’s like McCain seem so lifelike. It’s like he’s droning towards me.
• Nerds, use your computer talent to help elect John McCain. Because believe me, you can’t use them to make a woman. That movie lied to us all!
• Interview with Elizabeth Edwards:
• Stephen: We already have a form of universal health care. It’s called prayer, okay? Everybody can do it, and the Lord of the universe hears all prayers, and sometimes the answer is I’m sorry, you’re not covered for that.
• Stephen: You want to take out those intermediaries? Then what would that do to the redundancy industry? Elizabeth: Then they can get busy making 4’s.
• Stephen: Last question – have you had a chance to go out on the jet ski yet? Elizabeth: I’m disappointed to tell you it hasn’t actually arrived. Stephen: Nation, get on that!

Fangirl Suit Report: Black pinstripe suit, white shirt with barrel cuffs, red tie with diamond pattern. WristSTRONG bracelet. [same thing as last night, due to carry-over gag at top of show]

• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)