Episode 4089 (07/16/2008)

“Good fences make good neighbors, and good neighbors make good fences. Get on it, Mexico! This is The Colbert Report!”

Drilling Me Softly: “Tonight! Is offshore drilling the solution to the oil shortage? It’s definitely the solution to our whale surplus.”

• The WØRD: Placebo

Pet Project: “Plus, I introduce this week’s Alpha Dog. I hope you’re not in heat.”

• Alpha Dog of the Week: President George Bush

Rush to Judgement: “And, the band RUSH is here. Either that, or a drum factory exploded in my studio.”

• Main Guest: the band Rush

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

Rush, Snakes and Arrows

In closing: “I’m sure they’ll finish pretty soon. Uh. . . [pulls out a knit cap, pillow and blanket and puts his head down on the desk] Goodnight!”

Video highlight

Rush
The guys from Rush sign Stephen’s hand before performing “Tom Sawyer.”

NOTABLE MOMENTS! – Video links and more after the fold

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Full Episode Video – Wednesday July 16, 2008
• Intro – 7/16/08 : Is offshore drilling the solution to the oil shortage? It is definitely the solution to our whale surplus.
• Rush is Here: Jimmy is so excited about Rush’s appearance that he replaces Stephen’s theme song.
• The Word – Placebo : We want to believe that the nothing President Bush is offering is the something we’ve all been waiting for.
• Alpha Dog of the Week – George W. Bush : President Bush has been forced to do a terrible job of pretending to care what people think of him, but not anymore.

If you can’t access Motherload, you might try the Comedy Network (thanks TLE).

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• [Intro word: ROCK ON!]
• Thank you very much. Wait – wait one second. What – what was that? What happened to my anthem? Jimmy! Jimmy, what’s going on? Is that ‘Limelight‘ by Rush? Look, Jim, I know you’re a big Rush fan, and I can understand that you’re excited that tonight is Rush’s first television appearance in over 30 years. They’re like the J.D. Salinger of Canadian prog rock. But you can’t just replace my anthem, Jimmy! Play my anthem! *Rush’s ‘Anthem’ plays*
• No, no, no! Jimmy, no! That is Rush’s song ‘Anthem’! Look, Jim, Jim, if you don’t play my theme song, how will I know when the show’s even started? I can waste the first ten minutes arguing with you and not even know it!
• Jimmy: Show’s started, Stephen.
• Stephen: *taps pen* See? Sorry about that, folks. My director Jimmy is the world’s biggest Rush fan. And I invited Rush on the show because I lost a bet to him. And because Jimmy saved my life. I should never have bet him that I could breathe underwater. I thought these were gills! Honest mistake.
• But this is not just great for Jimmy, this is great for me. Right now Rush has the fourth most consecutive gold albums of any rock band in history. And once – and once they get the Colbert bump, they’ll be number one, and the Beatles will have to come on my show to even things out. Ball’s in your court, lads.
• Jimmy! Put me back on camera! Jimmy, I need you to focus, okay? I’m gonna make this very clear, okay? I’m gonna turn to this camera over here, I wanna keep doing the show, okay?
• Ready? Now! *Camera cuts to a shot of Rush’s drum sets*
• Jimmy? Jimmy! Why were you shooting the drum kit?
• Jimmy: Stephen, did you know Neil Peart got eight toms in seven sizes and a custom 23-inch kick?
• Stephen: They’ll be on in a little while.
• Jimmy: Seventeen minutes.
• Stephen: *pause* Yes, seventeen minutes, okay. Until then, just think of me as the opening band.
• Jimmy: Okay. I’m gonna go get a beer.
• Stephen: Fine! Just keep this camera on me!
• Nation, oil’s at nearly $140 dollars a barrel. It’s getting so that to fill your gas tank, you have to take out a mortgage from the bank. If you can still find a bank that’s in business.
• If gas gets any higher, it’ll be starring in a movie opposite Tommy Chong.
• Losing your home is psychological. A lot of people forget that shelter is really just a state of mind. Clearly, America needs a lot of psychological help, which brings us to tonight’s WØRD: Placebo.
• Folks, when scientists have a new medicine, they test it on two groups: one that gets the life-saving drug, and one that is told they’re getting the life-saving drug but in fact are getting a sugar pill called a placebo. [Also Called "Airborne"]
• Well, sometimes a funny thing happens. Patients who have taken the sugar pill get better. [Until They Contract Diabetes]
• You see, what happens is, their brain fools their body into believing that useless pill was medicine. [Same Part of Brain That Generates Votes For Ron Paul]
• Well, I think what we need right now is a national sugar pill. [Technically, High-Fructose Corn Syrup] John McCain and President Bush understand that. Here’s what the president had to say about their plans to expand off-shore drilling. *Bush clip* The psychology! You see, Bush readily concedes that it’s not going to help ‘out here,’ but ‘in here.’ [Only Place Where He Has 50% Approval Rating]
• This, I believe, is a bold new direction for America. [Straight To Fantasyland]
• That, folks, that’s not just change you can believe in; it’s change you have to believe in. [Clap Or The Gas Fairy Will Die] My only problem with these guys is that they’re telling us their plans won’t actually do anything. That’s like a pot dealer standing on a street corner and saying, ‘Hey, who wants to buy some of my oregano?’ [Matthew McConaughey?]
• Mr. President, Senator McCain, just tell us your energy plan is the stickiest icky. The hairiest most chronic bud this side of the Himalayas. [Stephen Has No Idea What He's Talking About]
• If you’d just do that, if you’ll just do that for us, I promise we’ll believe you. [See: Iraq War]
• And we’ll believe you because we want to. We want to believe that the nothing you’re offering is the something we’ve all been waiting for. [RUSH - For The First Time In 30 Years!]
• Besides, who doesn’t like sugar pills? They’re cheap, they taste good, and there are no unpleasant side effects like having to change our driving habits. [Just Our Life Expectancy] But, if you give us nothing and tell us it’s nothing, well that’s a bitter pill to swallow. [Placebo] And that’s the WØRD.
• Nation, Tobes of Hades, lit by flickering torchlight; the Netherworld is gathered in the glare. Prince By-Tor takes the caven to the north light – what is this, Jimmy? Jimmy, who replaced the words on my teleprompter with the lyrics to Rush’s ‘By Tor and the Snow Dogs’?
• Jimmy: Not me.
• Stephen: Well find out who did it.
• Jimmy: It was me.
• This week’s Alpha Dog: President Bush. You know, he gets this honor so much, I might just declare him Alpha Dog for life. He’s already using the Constitution as his chew toy.
• According to officials at the event, the president ended the meeting on a cordial up-note, saying, quote, “Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter.” He then punched the air while grinning widely. You hear that, world? George Bush hates the environment so much he literally punched the air. Ooh I hate you! I hate you, air! Hate you!
• This is terrific. President Bush might be a lame duck, but someone forgot to tell that to his balls. Just picture it! He said this to the most powerful leaders on Earth! And the Canadian prime minister.
• For far too long the president has been forced to do a terrible job at pretending to care what people think of him. But not any more, folks. These last 180 days, this dog is gonna go out barking. Oh, it is going to be so sweet when he pops by the World Court in the Hague and screams, “Adios from Waterboard Central!” Then he can drop by the Stock Exchange, ring the bell, and scream, “Goodbye from the world’s weakest currency!” And then he’ll head over to Iraq, and as he’s leaving shout, “I break it, you bought it!” And finally, he can swing by the Lower 9th Ward in New Orleans and – who am I kidding, he’s never going there again. He’ll prbably just send them an e-card. ["Kanye was right! love, President Bush"]
• I will cherish every day we’ve got together until January 20, 2009, when they take you to a farm upstate.
• *Hah – belaying his way up the super-high stool*
• You’ve been touring for over 30 years; do you ever get tired of being so awesome and kicking so much a**?
• Is my show gonna end up on the tour t-shirt? Is it gonna go, like, Chicago, Boston, The Colbert Report?
• Okay, here’s another Jimmy question. Neil, what’s your favorite color?
• Neil: Red. *His camera gets a reddish hue*
• Have you ever written a song so epic that by the end of the song you’re actually being influenced by yourself from the beginning of the song, because it happened so much earlier in your career?
• Here’s another Jimmy question. Will you sign my host? I guess he wants you to sign me. *They all sign his hand*
• Neil: I don’t want to see that on Ebay.
• Neil, is there any chance that you have a drum dependency?
• Last question here from Jimmy. You are yet to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Is there any chance your next album will be called ‘That’s Bullsh*t’?
• *Rush plays ‘Tom Sawyer‘. Editor’s note: watch carefully; you can see Stephen drumming on his desk during the song.*

Fangirl Suit Report: Black pinstripe suit, white shirt with barrel cuffs, red tie with diamond pattern. WristSTRONG bracelet.