Episode 4085 (06/25/2008)

What do I want? My own show! When do I want it? Now! This is The Colbert Report!”

Arch Enemies: “Tonight! America no longer has the tallest building, but could our planned Mexican border wall be the world’s longest building?”

• Stephen Colbert’s Make McCain Exciting Challenge
• Desk Guest: Paul Goldberger

Dissed Robes: “Then, the Supreme Court – for their final ruling, they all showed up in the same outfit. How embarrassing.”

• Judge, Jury and Executioner: Tenth Justice Edition

Mic’ed Tyson: “And my guest Neil deGrasse Tyson is the host of a new science series on PBS. We’ll see how long he goes before he asks me for a pledge.”

• Neil deGrasse Tyson, Astrophysicist and host of NOVA Science Now

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

NOVA Science Now, on PBS

In closing: “Well folks, before we go, I’d like to say that – *holds up Sweetness the gun* what’s that? But I have something I want to sa – ok – good night.”

Video Highlights coming soon!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• This is just the latest example of John McCain’s brave fight to keep Americans awake while he talks.

*John Knoll’s entry: McCain as Elvis* Go Daddy-o! Just like Elvis, there is widespread belief among his fans that John McCain is still alive.

• *Don Hegarty’s entry: McCain as Captain Kirk* McCain has boldly gone where no man has gone before, chiefly due to an enlarged prostate.
• *Wayne Simbro’s entry: McCain in Madonna’s Vogue music video* Great video! Good job, Wayne. And, how fitting. John McCain has struck every pose imaginable when it comes to offshore drilling.
• Today, my funding fell through. Apparently no matter how much Goldschläger you pour down a goose, it will not lay a golden egg. Also, and I learned this the hard way, you should not let it drive.
• What’s that? They’re not on my map of places that matter? Hmm, let me check my map of potential bombing targets. There they are!

Nation, we are losing the global battle to build something so high that everyone will wonder what we’re compensating for.

• Look at the Burj Al Arab in Dubai! It’s the tallest hotel in the world and the only skyscraper shaped like a boat. That should be ours! It would make a great hat for the world’s biggest pope!
• And look at the planned Crystal Island in Moscow. It will be the largest manmade structure built entirely with a Bedazzler. I believe the inside is all jean jacket.
• Goldberger: I didn’t know whether ‘mine is bigger than yours’ is really the most important thing.
• Colbert: It is. Everything you need to know about size you learned in fifth grade.
• You’re saying we should be like Europe now?!
• Why don’t we take our existing skyscrapers and stack them to make – because you could take the Chrysler Building and snap it right onto the top of the Empire State Building.
• So we should be going for interesting. . . nice. . . friendly. Our buildings should have great personalities, you’re saying! I don’t want to win Miss Congeniality in this, sir! We need to build big buildings with high *sses and huge t*ts!
• Nation, America has the greatest justice system in the world – me!
• Exxon v. Baker. Now I should recuse myself; I’m a friend of the captain, Joe Hazelwood. In fact, I was there that day in my own boat, and it was my idea for Joe and me to play Marco Polo.
• Well, the court issued their ruling today: Exxon is exonerated. The court decided Exxon is responsible for only $507 million dollars. I still think that’s too much. They did us a favor, folks. We’re in the middle of an energy crisis. We should spill more oil into the ocean. Think of how much easier offshore drilling would be if it were just offshore scooping.
• Oh – and seagulls, give us our oil back or I’m gonna jam you in my tank!
• District of Colombia v. Heller. My opinion here is particularly important since the court is biased – they’d uphold the ban just to stop Scalia from waving his Glock around during oral arguments.
• You know the best way to stop infringement? *holds up a handgun* Sweetness here. What’s that? What – what was that? No, no, they’re our friends.
• From this point on, everything is a militia. You and your family, a milita. You and your drinking buddies, a militia. Hell, you and your gun, a militia. And since that gun is a member of a militia, it has the right to carry a gun.
• NRDC v. Winter. I am especially qualified to judge this case because as it happens, I’ve been pursuing a whale all my life. I’ll get you one day, Fudgie!!
• Okay, so now sound kills whales? What doesn’t kill whales? Harpoons, pollution, Queequeg, they can’t even sunbathe without dropping dead.
• Whales, protecting you is a threat to national security. So stop dying, or you will find yourselves in Gitmo getting airboarded.
• *Editor’s note: Much love for Neil deGrasse Tyson!*
• This is historic. You are our first five-peat.
• Tyson: I am honored.
• Colbert: That officially makes you my BFF. My best friend physicist.
• You look so summery and so nattily dressed, like we’re about to go boating someplace, you know? You’ll play the ukelele and I’ll sit beneath my parasol.
• Tyson: Well we all know and love NOVA, the full hour science program. This one takes the science; it stays as deep, but we give it to you in twelve-minute segments.
• Colbert: So it’s like freeze-dried. It’s concentrated flavor.
• Tyson: I think of it as the distilled essence of the hour’s worth of science.
• Colbert: And you try to explain things about the universe in just those twelve minutes.
• Tyson: We don’t just try to; we do.
• Colbert: Okay. I could do it in under twelve seconds: God did it.
• Now what is dark matter? Because I don’t see the color of matter. What is dark matter, as opposed to matter? What’s the difference?
• Tyson: 85 percent of the gravity of the universe is attributable to something about which we are dumb stupid.
• Colbert: Wow. That’s double not smart. 85 percent of what’s out there we can’t see, we don’t know what it is, and we think – but why do we think it’s there, then?
• Tyson: Because we see the effect of its gravity on everything else.
• Colbert: Maybe the 15 percent we do know about is 85 percent heavier than we think. ‘Cause if it’s only the gravity – did I just blow your mind?! Did I just blow your mind?! Nobel Prize please!!
• Tyson: *laughing* That was good! That was good, now here’s the problem. Here’s how it goes. You’ve heard the adage, ‘If you are a hammer, all your problems look like nails.’
• Colbert: You bet.
• Tyson: The particle physicists are pretty sure that the dark matter are particles. Whereas there are some theorists who think that the dark matter is just ordinary matter, but it’s actually heavier than we had imagined.
• Colbert: Like I just said.
• Tyson: Like you just said.
• Colbert: Wow.
• You’re just talking like that because you’re upset I didn’t go to some fancy college and I’m just as smart as you people.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black pinstripe suit, pale blue shirt with barrel cuffs, Navy tie with white dots, WristSTRONG bracelet. Hair very slicked back.