Episode 4084 (06/24/2008)

I promise to deliver the truth in the next 30 minutes or it’s free. This is The Colbert Report!”

2000 Barrels Under the Sea: “Tonight, should we solve the oil crisis with offshore drilling? I say any excuse for a preemptive strike on the ocean.”

• Stephen Colbert’s campaign against violence towards faces (especially his)
• Offshore drilling
• George Carlin’s death (The Seven Dirty Words)

The Wørd: Bleep

Balls of the Wild: “Plus, I get an animal named after me. In your face, Wolf Blitzer.”

• Insect naming
• Phone guest: Dr. Jason Bond – East Carolina University

Fresh Prince of Colbert: “And my guest is some guy named Will Smith. I told you I wanted Jazzy Jeff!”

• Will Smith – Actor (“Hancock”)

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

Hancock – Opening July 2

In closing: “That’s it for the Report everybody, good night.”

Video Highlight:

[Coming soon!]

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

[Coming soon!]

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Editor’s Note: Anyone in the audience tonight want to tell the rest of us what was “busted”?
• See, right now I’m in the middle of a campaign against Hollywood’s glamorization of violence against faces. A lifelong crusade of mine that I have waged ever since last Saturday, when this happened to my face.
• Who knows? Maybe I was practicing for a walk-on role in Cirque de Soleil and overestimated the number of French Canadians my forehead would support.
• Well, no matter how I got these stitches up here that looks like I asked a plastic surgeon to give me a unibrow, I am devoting my life to making sure it never happens to anyone, especially me, ever again.
• Your face already has the unfair advantage of being amazingly handsome, and stunningly symmetrical. Oh my God, Will Smith is here tonight!
• Now, I didn’t mind when gas got to $4 a gallon, I figured I was getting better gas.
• How am I supposed to chase the gophers off my driveway?
• [wipes mouth with The USA Today *ha!*]
• Yes, we’ll start by clearing out all the old junk we’ve allowed to collect on the shelf, like fish and coral.
• Now offshore drilling has been banned since the 1980’s, back when we didn’t need much heating oil because everybody’s legs were so warm.
• Wow, who knows how many signatures they’ll get? It went from 1 million to 2 million to 5 million just in the time it took Steve Doocey to say that it did.
• Those pets you’ve buried in your backyard must have turned into oil by now.
• I’m calling on everyone who’s watching to go out a shootin’ at some food. From what I’ve gathered from my research, it is the best way to find a bubblin’ crude. Oil, that is. Black gold. Texas Tea.
• So, nation, go shoot the earth. That’s basically what we’re talking about.
• People don’t think a joke is funny unless there’s a cuss word in it. That’s not true. You want proof? Where does Dracula keep his money? In a blood bank. [incredibly long fake character break] Laughing helps.
• The 70’s were cleaned up by a nice young man named George Carlin. [Helped By Cop From Village People]
• Of course, we all remember when Walter Cronkite said the OPEC oil embargo was “something that sucked ass”.
• If TV must deal with unpleasant subjects, they have to use nice substitutes for each word.
• Like poop. [S**t]
• Tinkle [P**s]
• Intercourse [F**k]
• Cho-Cho [C***]
• Oral Enthusiast [****sucker]
• Father [Motherf**ker]
• And, uh, let’s say dodgeballs. [T*ts]
• ["Putin" - Another Good Word for a "Cho-Cho"]
• Let us all continue his work. There are so many other words that I don’t want to hear any more, like antiautoritarian, questioning, rulebreaking, and Chipotle. It’s just spicy mayonnaise.
• Seriously? You motherf**cker!
• Editor’s note: Some days Stephen makes it very hard to keep this blog family friendly.
• I believe the spider a 55 minute concept album slamming soft lumber tariffs.
• The world demands an eight-legged tribute to Stephen Colbert, and I do not mean another barbershop quartet.
• I FINAGLED IT!
• Give my best to Miss Muffett
• [Pic of Dr. Bond as Spider Man]
• 27 species of spider? I didn’t know there were 27 species *total*. You got man, shark, lion, tiger, dog, bear, fern. I thought that was it.
• Hey, I just want it named after me, I don’t want to marry it. Am I right?
• [Visual Approximation = Toby McGuire as Peter Parker]
• Jimmy, do we have a picture of a mating clasper? Oh yeah, that is hot.
• Stephen: Then I want the spider with the best mating clasper. Dr. Bond: Yeah, I figured.
• Wait, a curved tarsis? That does sound like me! I don’t know how you knew. I’ll take that one.
• Editor’s Note: One of my hobbies is spider keeping – I have 11 currently. Hobby synchronization is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
• From the Will Smith interview
• Stephen: I have every reason to distrust you and not like you because you are a member of the Hollywood elite. How come I like you so much?
• Will Smith: That’s an interesting question, that’s a very interesting question. Hold on to yourself, because I’m going to show you why, but I don’t want you overreacting on TV.
• Stephen: We’ll edit it out if I faint.
• Will Smith: Ok, are you holding yourself?
• Stephen: No, because that’s illegal to do on TV.
• EAR-OFF FTW!!!
• Stephen: That’s a terrorist fist bump we just did.
• Will Smith: Yes, I’m very, very African-American
• Stephen: Are there levels? Like being gay, you can be really gay or a little gay? You can be super black or just a little black?
• Will Smith: Now, tell the truth, because this is the first time I’ve done your show, but I think I know what happened [points at face] to your face. Cause I can tell, you know, I’m looking at you, you know. Somebody kicked your ass, didn’t they?
• Stephen: Tell me, are you supporting Obama because you’d secretly like to play him in a movie of his life?
• Stephen: As an actor, wouldn’t it be more of a challenge to play John McCain for you? Now that would be a stretch.
• Will Smith: I could give that a shot, I could see it …
• Stephen: Now, that’s Oscar territory right there. I don’t know if you’ve heard him give speeches, he seems mentally challenged.

Fangirl Suit Report: Light gray pinstriped suit, crisp white dress shirt with French cuffs, Sky blue tie with blue-on-blue pattern.

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