Episode 4081 (06/18/08)

“This is the dawning of the Age of Colbertius. This is The Colbert Report!”

McCain Mutiny: “Tonight! How can John McCain distinguish himself from President Bush? Here’s one way: don’t get elected President. ”

• The Wørd: Lexicon Artist

Sancti-find: “Plus, I help Barack Obama find a new church. Preferably as far from Washington as possible. ”

• Stephen Colbert’s Barack Obama’s Church Search: Hinduism
• Desk Guest: Dr. Uma Mysorekar, President of the Hindu Temple Society of North America

Buenos Diaz: “Then my guest is Pulitzer-prize winning author Junot Diaz. I’ll ask him if his Pulitzer wants to fight my Peabody.”

• Junot Diaz, Author of ‘The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao‘

In closing: “Well, that’s it for the show, everybody. Please join me tomorrow night where my guest will be someone with the extreme good fortune of being my guest.”

Video Highlight:

• The New Smurfs Movie: If Stephen is going to play any Smurf in the new Smurfs movie, it’ll be Ballsy Smurf.

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Full Episode
• Intro – 6/04/08: How can John McCain distinguish himself from President Bush? Here’s one way: don’t get elected president.
• The Wørd – Lexicon Artist: Using language to turn failed policy into ideals that transcend debate is the best way to get people to think of John McCain as transcen-presidential.
• Barack Obama’s Church Search: Stephen helps Barack Obama find a new religion by exploring Hinduism with Hindu Temple Society of North America President Uma Mysorekar.
• Guest Junot Diaz: Stephen asks Junot Diaz how he won the Pulitzer if he wasn’t born in America.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• The toss: Stephen is the King of Crossword Puzzles! “Forgetitude”: to forget the now-famous word you yourself coined.
• You know what, I don’t like to blow my own horn, you know. The horn on my car that goes, ‘Won-a-Peabody, Won-a-Peabody, Don’t-you-wish-you had-one-too.’
• The Smurfs are being turned into a movie. And if you ask me, Nation, they don’t turn enough TV shows into movies. I mean apart from ‘Sex In The City,’ ‘Speed Racer,’ ‘Get Smart,’ X-Files,’ The Simpsons,’ ‘Transformers,’ and of course, ‘The Happening,’ which is based on ‘What’s Happening.’
• A bunch of blue shirtless men surrounded by mushrooms, the blonde girl that nobody touches. . . That’s not a show, that’s a gay pride parade.
• *Holds up the Peabody and mouths ‘Peabody’*
• But apparently the The USA Today doesn’t share my distaste. Because last week they made their own casting suggestions.
• But for Brainy Smurf, they suggested me. Because we both “wear glasses.” Frames’re always the key to good casting, as seen in the remake of ‘The Buddy Holly Story,’ starring Tina Fey.
• Listen up, The USA Today, if I was any Smurf, I’d be Ballsy Smurf. Secondly, I am not three inches and blue – except in very cold weather.
• *Holds up the Peabody, mouths ‘Peabody’ again, slicks his hair back*
• But he’s so different from Bush already. The only issues they agree on are education, immigration, Iraq, abortion, Supreme Court judges, Social Security, tax breaks for the wealthy, wire-tapping, trade, health care, the Middle East, same-sex marriage and Medicare. But they could not be further apart on Katherine Heigl’s feud with her ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ producers.
• [Lexicon Artist] Folks, language is very important in politics, particularly when it comes to war. [Weapons Of Mass Description]
• For years, the Bush Administration used the phrase ‘War on Terror,’ which was replaced with the phrase ‘Global War on Terror.’ [Bush Loves Nicknames]
• Then, it was the ‘Global Struggle Against Extremism,’ then briefly it was the ‘Long War,’ before they settled on the new name, ‘Hey, Maybe We Should Bomb Iran.’ [The "Maybe" Proves They're Diplomats]
• To prove, to prove that he’s his own man, John McCain has his own word to describe America’s ongoing conflict. See if you can spot it.[Clip of McCain repeating "transcendental"] That’s right. The war is now transcendental. [Transcends Voter Approval]
• No surprise. After all, Toby Keith’s anti-terrorist lyric ‘We’ll put a boot up your ass/It’s the American way’ originally appeared in Henry David Thoreau’s ‘Walden.’ Now, there are some questions about McCain’s new buzzword. It’s not entirely clear what he’s trying to say. [Another Way He's Like Bush]
• Now, does he mean ‘transcendent’? Which according to Webster’s means ‘exceeding usual limits’? Because the war has certainly exceeded the time limits. [And The Constitution]
• Or is he intentionally using the word ‘transcendental’ which is defined by Webster’s as ‘of or relating to experience as determined by the mind’s makeup’. In which case he’s saying the War on Terror was all in our heads. [Along With Cheney's Buckshot]
• Now maybe, maybe, he didn’t mean to describe a transcendental challenge at all. Maybe we misheard him because he was having trouble with his dentures. [Fixodental Challenge]
• Now clearly, ‘transcendental’ has too many interpretations. John McCain needs to come up with a new word. ["Retirement?"]
• You know what? Shakespeare invented words all the time. He invented over 1200 words including, and this is true, ‘accuse,’ ‘torture,’ and ‘zany.’ [From Play "Much Abu About Ghraib"]
• Now, everybody knows I’ve coined a few words myself. ‘Truthiness,’ ‘Wikiality,’ ‘F**ktern.’ Which I cannot define due to a pending lawsuit. [And Upcoming Fox Reality Show]
• So, Senator, let me help you. From now on, keeping our troops in the Middle East isn’t just necessary to win the war, it’s downright Iraq-rosanct. [Iraq-rosanct]
• Holding people indefinitely at Guantanamo Bay is divine inter-detention. [Divine Inter-Detention]
• And secretly sending prisoners to other countries where torture is legal is no longer extraordinary rendition; it’s called offshore drilling. [Offshore Drilling]
• And I hope those help. Because using language to turn failed policies into ideals that transcend debate is the best way to get people to think of you as transcen-presidential. [Transcen-Presidential]
• Talking about fatherhood on Father’s Day, fine. But where was Obama’s ‘World’s Best Dad’ lapel pin? Kinda rings hollow, sorry.
• America will not elect a president who doesn’t belong to some religious organization. That would be like having a president who went to an Ivy League school, but doesn’t have a fake southern accent.
• Obama’s gonna need a divine messenger to show him the light. Me. *Light shines and angels sing*
• It’s time for our first installment in our new feature: Stephen Colbert’s Barack Obama’s Church Search. Tonight: should Obama become a Hindu? Clearly, clearly he can rock a sherwani.
• Here’s how I keep it simple: I worship Jesus.
• Now some quick and dirty Hin-DO’s and Hin-DON’Ts. Hin-DO cremate your dead and scatter their ashes on the River Ganges, the most sacred resting place. The least sacred? Next to the cumin and the curry.
• Hin-DON’T eat meat. Hindus must refrain from injuring any living creature physically, mentally, or emotionally. Which means the worst thing you can do is eat a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, which is just humiliating for everyone involved.
• Spoiler alert: to pay his karmic debt, in his next life, [M. Night] Shymalan will be forced to watch ‘Lady in the Water.’
• So Senator Obama, that’s the Bhagavad-Gist.
• So you guys do the soft sell.
• Do you ever fear that Diwali might get commercialized?
• So you kind of worship yourself. [Dr. Mysorekar: Absolutely.] You know, I kinda do that.
• Do you just carry this book around like a pick-up line? You say, “Could me and my Pulitzer Prize buy you ladies a drink?”
• Do it, my man, do it. You will cut a swathe through the literate femininity.
• The main character in this book ‘wears his nerdiness like a Jedi wore his lightsaber’ and ‘dreams of becoming the Dominican Tolkien.’ Is this based on anyone you know? Perhaps someone who shares your name, physical appearance, and Social Security number?
• Diaz: Including me, I feel like it’s almost everybody I know.
• Stephen: So this Dominican nerd in this book, is he an American archetype?
• Diaz: I don’t know, but I felt like it was like, you know, there’s so many characters out there that are nerdy, and I thought ah, I’ll just use the nerd I know best.
• Stephen: The one in the mirror?
• Diaz: Yes!
• Stephen: Exactly! I know that guy! I’ve seen that guy in the mirror.
• Diaz: Guilty, sir, guilty.
• Stephen: Yeah, yeah, that guy in the mirror’s got some chain. He and I have had some talks late at night.
• Stephen: What were the conditions under which you came [to this country]? And keep in mind, Lou Dobbs may be watching. So, he could be backstage with a butterfly net, so be careful.
• Diaz: God, I have like Lou Dobbs nightmares, man.
• Diaz: We didn’t go to New York, we went to straight New Jersey, which was back then, weird.
• Stephen: It’s a little weird now.
• I myself don’t know what the big deal is about winning a Pulitzer, because the hero of the book is a fat, nerdy, depressed virgin, which is the same people who make up the Pulitzer committee.
• Speaking of Lou Dobbs, is there any chance that there is a tracking device in your Pulitzer?
• Diaz: Aw, man, don’t say that, cause I gave it to my mom!
• Diaz: Cane fields are scary, anytime you drive by them. They’re like triffids, they just clack in the wind. So I guess as a kid, I was always terrified of them.
• Stephen: You’re the very first guest to ever make a triffids reference.
• Diaz: Ah, I don’t know if that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
• Stephen: No, it’s a great honor. You have achieved a level of nerd-dom that is heretofore – we might have to check the building for structural damage. You geeked out so hard on me right now.
• Diaz: Oh, man.
• Stephen: People at home are rushing to Wikipedia to find out what triffids are.
• *Note: Editing of the ‘Triffids’ Wikipedia page is disabled until June 19. Quick work, Wikipedians!*

Fangirl Suit Report:Black suit, White shirt with French cuffs, Red tie, Red WristStrong bracelet.