Episode 4072 (06/03/2008)
By
“Time flies, especially since I built a Clock-apult. This is The Colbert Report!”
Al-Quitta: “Tonight, is al-Qaeda running out of steam? And if so, what’s powering Bin Laden’s dialysis machine”
- The end of the primaries
- The War on Terror
The Wørd: Unhealthy Competition
Wage Advice: “Plus, my advice for students seeking summer jobs. Tip #1: Live in India.”
- Stephen’s Sound Advice: Tips for finding a summer job
- 1. Check the classifieds
- 2. Always appear professional
- 3. Lower your expectations
- 4. Try an internship
Good Will Nailing: “Then, my guest is conservative pundit George Will. Wow, is it Sunday morning already?”
- George Will – Author, One Man’s America
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
One Man’s America: The Pleasures and Provocations of Our Singular Nation
In closing: “Well, folks, that’s it for the Report. Remember, nothing makes you fall asleep faster than a warm glass of milk. Especially if the cow is addicted to narcotics.”
Video Highlight:
The Word – Unhealthy Competition
Interns learn valuable job skills like getting coffee, fetching copy paper, and moisturizing a TV host.
NOTABLE MOMENTS! — Video links and more after the fold
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Intro – 6/03/08 : Is Al Qaeda running out of steam? And if so, what’s powering Bin Laden’s dialysis machine?
- Democratic Primaries Over: Stephen goes through the stages of grief now that the Democratic primaries are over.
- Stephen’s Sound Advice – Summer Jobs : Interns learn valuable job skills like getting coffee, fetching copy paper, and moisturizing a TV host.
- George Will : According to George Will, conservatives understand that the government’s job is to deliver the mail, defend the shores, and get out of the way.
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- On nights like this, it’s hard to be alone. I’m sure you all heard the news, the final two Democratic primaries were held tonight. They did all 50 states, Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, citizens living abroad, and since this is the Democrats, I think they held one where animals vote. I believe that is one Kucinich won.
- Come on Colbert, get it together, there might be girls watching.
- Stage 1: Denial. I’ve never had that.
- For months now, we could ignore earthquakes and floods and torture and focus on important stuff like flag pins and $400 haircuts.
- And more importantly, what is John King going to touch. And please, please, please don’t say Wolf Blitzer.
- I guess the stage of grief after anger is Hillary.
- But Hayden knows what he’s talking about, I mean he’s the head of the CIA and they are never wrong about al-Qaeda. And when they are, it’s top secret.
- Cheney, by the way, was made an honorary member of the Coast Guard’s special Cowboy brigade. They’re just like the regular Coast Guard troop, except they wear a cowboy hat and have never served in combat.
- For the past seven years, al-Qaeda has been the Public Enemy #1. [#2: High Fructose Corn Syrup]
- It is harder to be terrified of al-Qaeda, so we can just be scared of al-Qaeda and be terrified of Hezbollah. [And Be Creeped Out By Texas Polygamists]
- It will be like March Madness, except the players will actually be insane. [Still Not Crazier Than Bobby Knight]
- Then whichever terrorist group wins, goes on to the next round, while the losing group moves on to their prefered afterlife of choice. [Spoiler Alert: The Island On "Lost"!]
- It’s like Lending Tree – when terrorists compete, we win.
- Now it’s time to work at the mall and steal things.
- Better yet, be proactive and place your own classified ad, but don’t settle for some humdrum position wanted. Make them notice with something like: “Young, strapping boy, willing to please. Will work nights.” You’ll get a lot of calls with that one.
- [Editor's Note: Love the "lifeguard" hair!]
- When I interviewed for this job, I came dressed as the Pope.
- If you have with a great resume [Jon Stewart], borrow it, study it, and put your name on top.
- And if not, you know there are worse things than going through life as “Swamp Thing”.
- Nobody likes a flaky pundit.
- [Editor's Note: Why don't they put THAT "Love Guru" promo on YouTube?!]
- Stephen: And I’ve gotta say, you’re voice is soothing, it’s like one of those sounds you get on a clock, like “Forest” or “Rain”. George Will is the last setting.
- And then you put, like, a turtle and a fiddler crab in there, and, like a fern, you know, to create oxygen …
- To hell with the Fiddler crab, what the hell is he doing in there with a turtle in the first place?
- George Will: You are quick study. Colbert: And you, sir, are a formidable opponent!
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, light pink shirt with French cuffs, black tie with pink square pattern.
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23 Comments
June 4th, 2008 at 12:39 am
First off, LOVED the toss!
am i the only one who would totally buy that book,lol (too bad it’s not real) :) :)!!
Question: has anyone else noticed that when addressing himself, he always pronounces his name as col-bert instead of col-bear? Wonder why that is?
And damn you Stephen Colbert for making me picture you in a robe ;)
p.s. – I want to be your intern!!!
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June 4th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Col-bert vs Col-bear: since he used to be Col-bert (until he went to college in Chicago), when he reverts to an interior monologue he becomes Col-bert again. Status shift. It’s a nice, subtle touch and I love it every time he does it.
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June 5th, 2008 at 1:00 am
i love it to!
like it comes natural to him
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June 4th, 2008 at 11:58 am
I liked the toss too. I would definitelly buy that book. I also liked Jon Stewart’s resume during Stephen’s Sound Advice.
Stephen made some good points during last night’s interview segment and I found the whole discussion interesting. This was my favorite part: “George Will: You are quick study. Colbert: And you, sir, are a formidable opponent!”
Did anybody else think about NFZ “bracketgate” when Stephen mentioned March Madness?
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June 4th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Lol yeah that “formidable opponent” comment was awesome,
I think he was caught off guard,
and also I don’t think he has ever referred to anyone but himself in that regard.
So congratulations George Will!!
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June 4th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
That interview was like a beautiful dance of the minds! Though I may not agree with everything that George Will says, he has a wonderful dry wit.
For Stephen to recognize George Will as a formidable opponent is not something to be taken lightly! As you suggested Jenny, I don’t think he’s ever placed anyone else in that lofty category except himself!
June 4th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
You are a formidable opponent… What surprised me, and perhaps Mr. Colbert, is how his satirical position is so similar to Will’s straight political position. Its literally like debating himself.
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June 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Except that Mr. Will doesn’t shout:)
June 4th, 2008 at 2:19 am
Curiously enough, when I went to vote at a Democrats Abroad primary in Toronto, there was that GUY, the one in the t-shirt smoking the cigarette!
(Well, not that surprising, since it took place in a pub.)
I know, if I took a picture of him, it would have been really funny.
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June 4th, 2008 at 4:28 am
@ DB
Which Love Guru promo did they show on the Comedy Central broadcast? Is it the one “where he gets his change knocked out of his coin purse?”
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June 4th, 2008 at 11:17 am
I saw one where Colbert said “Good Times!” and I nearly fell off the couch.
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June 4th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
“good times, good times” aww i haven’t seen that one yet :(
looking forward to it !
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June 4th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
The one I saw was the same as Flatpoint Grief Couselor. The one about the hooker, then it cuts away and back to him and he says “Good times.”
I LOVE that one, simply because of the “good times”. It makes my SWC-loving heart smile.
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June 4th, 2008 at 8:52 am
RAINNNNNNNNN! (clock setting). I too would love to be an intern in Stephen’s terrarium.
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June 4th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
George Will should be honored that Stephen considered HIM a formidable opponent. The episode couldn’t have ended better if it was scripted.
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June 4th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
“George Will should be honored that Stephen considered HIM a formidable opponent.”
Indeed! And props to Will for the push back, although I think his philosophy is seriously flawed (I like hermit crabs and healthcare).
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June 4th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
What is it with those two and fruit salad? Always with the cantaloupe and the honeydew…
Recaptcha: Barbados bouts
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June 5th, 2008 at 1:26 am
That’s the first thing i thought of as well !
Honeydew is the king of melons after all..
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June 4th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Good show, funny ad: “young, strapping boy…”
;p =D
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June 4th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I loved the interview.
I don’t totally agree with everything Mr. Will said, but it was wonderful to see the two of them go at it intellectually. And Stephen was genuinely interested in the argument and surprised when he found out Mr. Will was agnostic. It’s almost like they’re opposites. Mr. Will is the agnostic Republican, and real-life Stephen is the religious Democrat. Hmmm…
I do believe that may have been the first time Stephen was unable to completely nail someone. Hence the “formidable opponent” comment. It’s a moment that should go down in history books.
reCaptcha: Classics work
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June 4th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Unfortunately, Mr Will got it inside out, backwards and upside down!
Liberalism is a theory of social value and public decision making. It promotes creativity and progress at the cost of tradition, individuality at the cost of shared values and competition at the cost of social and environmental sustainability.
LOOK IT UP! YOU”LL SEE!
Conservatism is in tension with the liberal model of social and political value and decision making.
Conservatism is a theory of social value and public decision making which promotes tradition, shared values and human and environmental sustainability at the cost of progress, indivdualism and economic growth.
Not only did Mr Will get the liberal conservative difference wrong, Mr Will was not actually presenting the distinction between between liberal and conservative at all. He was presenting the ECONOMIC distinction between right wing and left wing.
The economic difference between right wing and left wing is about playing fields and outcomes.
Right wing means: favours equality of opportunity over equality of outcome when it comes to modelling the distribution and redistribution of social opportunities and economic resources. Right wing means winners and losers (no matter how level the playing field): ‘every man for himself; woman for herself.’
Left wing means: favours an equality of outcome over equality of opportunity approach. Left wing means everything is shared (no matter how uneven the playing field): ‘I am my brothers’ and sisters’ keeper’.
Educated people have allowed their political vocabulary to be ruined by obfuscating sophists both inside and outside of the academy. Political debate has moved a big step closer to a grunt and click fight.
Please please please start using these words properly! You’ll see, it will transform political discourse. These terms were not just pulled out of a hat. They each mean something; something important and distinct.
Anyone can be a liberal left winger or a liberal right winger or a conservative left winger or a conservative right winger.
Don’t take my word for it. LOOK IT UP!
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June 5th, 2008 at 2:54 am
Wow.
S M Turnerr, I appreciate all of your insight, I really do, but I don’t think this is the time, nor the place to argue politics. This is a Colbert-centric blog, so I’m going to take a rain check on this branch of the conversation, in order to obey the rules that the NFZ staff laid down for all of us to follow.
Thank you for your reply, though.
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June 4th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
What with George Will’s hair? Doesn’t he realize that obvious comb-overs automatically drop one’s standing as a “reliable witness”?
That old liberals-are-socialists canard. . . he needs to find new false bait for arguments. I liked Stephen’s wit about Formidable Opponent when George Will overtly patronized him the second time. There are some interviews where you catch the brief flash of offended glimmer in Colbert’s eye — he almost always manages a quippy retort but there are other replies he could make. . . and chooses not to.
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