Episode 4071 (06/02/2008)

“I saw Sex and the City. Spoiler alert: she picks the Vivienne Westwood dress. (mouths “Oh my God”) This is The Colbert Report!”

A Scott In The Dark: “Tonight! Scott McClellan said the press didn’t do its job in the run up to the war. Why’s he complaining? They did his job. ”

• Barack is left churchless
• I Prayed It! – Universal Studios Fire
• Scott McClellan blames the media

The Wørd: Media Culpa

If You Are A Rich Man…: “Plus, I’ll tell you about the latest innovation in private jets. They put an actual Sky Mall on the plane. ”

• Colbert Platinum
  • Private Jet Servants Quarters
  • The $175 Hamburger
  • Premium Motion Stamps

Surf On My Turf: “And I’ll talk to professional surfer Jonathon Paskowitz. We’ll use cool surfer lingo like “surf” and “board”.”

• Jon Paskowitz, professional surfer and documentary filmmaker – ‘Surfwise’

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

• Surfwise: The Amazing True Odyssey of the Poskowitz Family

In closing: ” The Final Thought: Michigan and Florida – what would you have done?”

Video Highlight:

• Colbert Platinum – Private Jets: Platinum members can now get servants’ quarters on their private jets, a $175 hamburger, and Stephen’s own iPod Nano postage stamp.

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Intro – 6/02/08: Scott McClellan says the press didn’t do its job in the run-up to the war. Why is he complaining? They did his job.
• Obama’s Church: Unfortunately, America can’t vote for a man who doesn’t even belong to a church — so Hillary it is.
• Fire at Universal: God must have been listening to Stephen’s prayers because Universal Studios went up in flames.
• The Word – Media Culpa: Media, if you want to prove you did your job well in the lead-up to the Iraq war, use the same techniques that McClellan used to sell the war to you in the first place.
• Jon Paskowitz: Jon Paskowitz tells Stephen what it was like to travel around with a large family and a father who decided his children were going to surf instead of go to school.
• Final Thought: Stephen gives America the final thought on what should have been done with Michigan and Florida.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Thank you. At first I thought those were words, but they were just mindless sounds. And I love that! Leave your mind behind: this is The Colbert Report.
• I certainly hope the network bleeps most of that for our broadcast. Crazy churches.
• Good for you, Senator, for finally seeing the light. Unfortunately, America cannot vote for a man who doesn’t even belong to a church. So, Hillary it is.
• Every night, I pray the 3 same things: thicker hair, heat vision, the destruction of Hollywood. God must have been listening, because this weekend Universal Studios went up in flames!
• I PRAYED IT!!!!
• Eat it, Pat Robertson. I got the direct line!
• This is a real change for God because normally he wreaks his vengeance on Hollywood via Gary Busey.
• Now, if you don’t think that this fire was God’s vengeance, look at what was damaged: a set from pro-Darwinist movie ‘Inherit the Wind’ and the 30-foot animatronic King Kong. Nation, this is proof that God does not want monkeys evolving in thrill rides.
• Best of all, the fire destroyed part of the set used by ‘Leave It To Beaver‘. Verbal filth like “Golly!” and “Gee Willikers!” have no place in our living rooms.
• There is a slim chance that God is not responsible for this. But if he’s not the one who sent the fire, who did? Jimmy – [runs clip of Universal Studio tour guide] This lady! Devastation beyond imagination, huh? Police, track this woman down. It shouldn’t be too hard to catch her – she’s driving a tram.
• McClellan’s been on ‘AC-360′, ‘The Today Show’, ‘The Situation Room’, my opening act. He even pushed his book on ‘The Deadliest Catch’.
• It’s hard to get a read on this guy. On the one hand, he sold out the President. Stabbed him right in the gut where the President makes his decisions. But, on the other hand, he did have the courtesy to do it too late to change anything.
• True! They get nothing of importance done, other than the occasional war.
• In his book, McClellan takes a break from bashing the President to bash the Washington Press Corp, saying they were, quote, “…complicit enablers” of the Iraq War. And adding that their primary focus was on “…covering the campaign to sell the war, rather than aggressively questioning the rationale for war or pursuing the truth behind it.”
• I have to give Scott credit. I takes balls to blame the press for swallowing the crap you personally shoveled them. It makes me very excited for his next book “Why Did You Buy My First Book?” That’s going to be a page turner.
• But he is wrong about the media. They were very skeptical before the invasion. Consider such hard hitting actual headlines such as “Saddam Aims To Give Terrorists Briefcase Bio-Bombs” [New York Post] and “All Aboard: America’s War Train Is Leaving The Station” [The New York Times] And if you missed that train, don’t worry. You can catch the 5:10 to Iran. [Tickets Valid Until January 20, 2009]
• I am not the only one defending the media. So is the media. [*clips of broadcasters defending their coverage] That’s right – they asked tough questions. Maybe not as tough as when Gibson asked Obama about not wearing a flag pin, but, then again, maybe the war wasn’t as important. [War Not A Secret Muslim]
• Still, Scott McClellan has made a damaging accusation and the press has to push back hard. [Use Momentum From Rolling Over]
• Media, if you want to sell the American people a story that you did your job well in the lead up to the war, just use the same techniques that McClellan and the administration used to sell the war in the first place.
• Back then the administration cherry picked intelligence. [Cherry Picker Supplied By Haliburton]
• You just cherry pick all the reporters who got the story right. There were a couple of guys over at Knight Rider and I think Cosmo had something on it. ["6Ways To Turn Your Man Into A W.M.D."]
• During the war, the administration said that Iraq had weapons programs even after none were discovered. So you just say that you did a good job and that the proof has been secretly moved to Syria.
• If you really want to sell your side of the story, you’re going to need someone who can really spin this thing. You know who needs a job right now? Scott McClellan. And I know he’s been kind of tough on you guys, but you’ll forgive him. After all, you’ve forgiven yourselves.
• I may be a big TV star, but I’m like everybody else. Nothing is more important to me than my family, my friends, and my solid gold, life-sized statues of my family and friends.
• Of course, when I say “everybody else” I’m talking about the people who are rich enough to watch this segment. This is “Colbert Platinum.”
• Remember, this feature is for Platinum members of the Colbert Nation, only. If you’re someone who only gets necessary surgery, turn the channel now. Why don’t you flip over to ‘Wheel of Fortune’ and dream about winning $10,000. *Oooh! $10,000 is a fortune! How do they fit it on the wheel?*
• Great, they’re gone. It’s just us, now.
• Everybody knows it’s hard enough to get crew on your private jet. There are so many jobs: pilot, co-pilot, flight attendant, baggage handler, cocktail shaker, pillow fluffer, almond blancher. And they all have to sit somewhere – preferably out of your line of sight. But where to put them all?
• Boeing engineers have a solution. On the new 747-8 luxury jumbo jet, they’ve developed a pod that slots into an unused area between the cabin ceiling and fuselage which can be outfitted with bunk beds or seating. In other words, it’s a set of servants’ quarters.
• This, folks, is a huge improvement over the old way to house your in-flight staff: pet carriers.
• The burger is very popular with the hedge fund crowd. Because $175 is a small price to pay to literally crap gold.
• Evidently it passes through the body without any harm. That’s why I pan in porta-johns. Plus, the burger is enormous. You can use the leftovers to force feed your geese.
• The economic slow down has hit all sectors of the economy, causing some Platinum viewers to slip a notch into the category of ‘Colbert White Gold’. But don’t worry, folks. When you’re mailing your creditors ‘Notice of Bankruptcy’ you can still do it in Platinum style with the new video stamp from Austria.
• It shows an image of soccer great Andri Herzog when tilted back and forth using a cutting edge technology heretofore seen only in Cracker Jack prizes.
• *Editor: I kept wondering how many boxes of Cracker Jack they went through to find that prize.*
• And, at 8-1/2 dollars per stamp, it is within the reach of White Gold members. But if a premium member really wants to dazzle his postmaster, nothing beats my new Premium Motion Stamp which is an iPod Nano playing an entire episode of my show.
• *Major Prop Malfunction*
• That is bull$^!t
• That’s only 42 cents postage at $149.
• Remember, money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy stuff that will make you happy.
• My guest tonight is a professional surfer. I assume professional means he surfs wearing a tie.
• Are you Mogley from Jungle Book?
• Jon: It’s like a gypsy, beach Mogley Jungle Book movie.
• He thought that the life of living on the beach without going to school would be harder than if you went and got some book learning. And I admire that.
• • Stephen: How did you live like an animal?
  • Jon: You eat like an animal. You behave like an animal. You sleep like an animal. You surf like an animal. Hence, more like an animal.
  • *Stephen reaches across and shakes Jon’s hand.*
• I believe the phrase you used to describe this was “they would bone like Albanians”.
• Dad. Dad, for the record, it was him. It wasn’t me. Wow. wow. you’re getting awfully aggressive. You’re an animal! You should be caged.
• Nobody won and on one seemed completely happy with the outcome except John McCain who called it a model for victory in Iraq.
• Now, there are a lot of opinions about what the Donkey-crats should have done. My own suggestion was a lumberjack log roll to the death. I love timber sports.
• As always, on important issues, I give you heroes The Final Thought. So how ’bout it? Michigan and Florida – What would you have done?
  • My first instinct would be, like, to hit them.
  • You cannot have dessert until you finish your dinner.
  • I’d beat the $^!t out of them
• Well said, sir.

Fangirl Suit Report: Taupe gray pinstriped suit; light blue Oxford shirt with barrel cuffs; Taupe tie with light blue stripes; Red WristSTRONG bracelet.