Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)

“Early to bed and early to rise makes you a loser. Let’s party all night long. This is The Colbert Report!”

Blue State Special: “Tonight! Should Michigan delegates be seated at the Democratic convention? Or will they have to hit up the scalpers? ”

  • Shout Out! – Houston, we lost the loo
  • Democralypse Now: The Delightful Dismemberment of the Democratic Hopescape – Michigan and Florida lose half their Democratic delegates.

Special Guest: Ted Devine, Democratic Strategist

McClellan Degenerate: “Plus, Scott McClellan’s new book accuses Bush of lying to get us into Iraq. That took balls, Scott. Five years ago. ”

  • Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger
    • Wag: Scott McClellan
    • Tip: Michelle Malkin
    • Wag: Blind People

M-M-M-My Sirota: “And my guest, David Sirota, has written a book about a new wave of angry voters. I prefer the old wave of my angry viewers. ”


In closing: That’s all the time we have, but before we go here is a sneak preview of Monday night’s show:
“This is The Colbert Report!”

Video Highlight:
Tip/Wag – Monetary Discrimination: Money should have different smells so blind people can tell the bills apart.

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • I’d like to start the program with a special shout out. This one is to astronaut and friend of the show Garrett Reisman who is watching ‘The Report’ from orbit right now in a desperate attempt to forget that his Space Station’s only toilet is broken. Terrible news. Unless you write news headlines for a living, in which case Houston, your job is easy.
  • According to NASA, they are now using a back-up bag like collection system. To be clear, this is not a bag. That’s what we’d use here on Earth. In space, they use the advanced technology of a bag-like collection system. Is everyone clear on that?
    • Audience member: Is it a bag? Because it sounds like these astronauts are pooping in a bag.
    • Stephen: No! These men are not pooping in a bag. They’re heroes. They’re pooping in a collection system that is bag-like. It’s science! It’s science! We’re moving on.
  • *Editor’s Note: That audience member was Tom Purcell, the Head writer*
  • Garrett, just hold out as long as you can. Wait a minute. What’s my rain stick doing here? Garrett – the whole Nation clinches with you. Together we are a roaring waterfall of solidarity. A mighty river of flowing support.
  • Besides – if things get really desperate – you can always relieve yourself in the Hubble space telescope.
  • Michigan responded by changing it’s shape from a mitten to an angry mitten. While Florida just became limper.
  • As you remember, all the front runners agreed not to campaign in those states and all of them pulled their names from the Michigan ballot – except for Hillary Clinton. Then, huge surprise, Hillary won Michigan!
  • Some say this is inconsistent – but I say she is being remarkably consistent in saying whatever it takes to win.
  • See? It’s also about Martin Luther King, Susan B. Anthony, Robert Mugabe, John Brown, Lester Maddox, Rosa Parks, Medgar Evers, Gloria Steinem, Harriet Tubman, Billy Jean King, Malcolm X, Jesse Owens, Roberto Clemente, The cast of TV’s ‘Good Times’ and, what the hell, Hitler, apple pie, and Spiderman.
  • To deny the votes of Michigan and Florida is to say the Kurt Cobain died in vain.
  • You are a long time operative of the Democratic Party. You specifically should be thanked because you worked for Michael Dukakis during his battle with Jesse Jackson in 1988. And those negotiations between you and Harold Ickes at the time resulted in the Byzantine circus that we’re seeing right now. Correct?
  • I want to thank you not only for working for Dukakis in ’88 and destroying the Democrats then, but helping to destroy the Democrats now.
  • How do the Democrats reconcile the smoke-filled-room with their anti-smoking agenda?
  • Is giving Florida delegates half of their votes in anticipation of the day when half of Florida will be under water?
  • Can’t only Hillary Clinton bring the party together because she’s the one who could pull the party apart. I mean… [*crosses his fingers*] wouldn’t that be…
  • Her chasing Obama was so exciting. Can’t we add a 3rd candidate that will be just as exciting – like a rabid monkey or an underfed tiger?
  • The Bible says, ‘Judge not lest you be judged.’ But it also says ‘No shellfish.’ [*eats shrimp from a shrimp salad.*]
  • Based on McClellan’s previous work, I was expecting 400 pages of “I cannot comment on an ongoing investigation.” Instead, it contains claims like “the Iraq war was not necessary” and “contradictory intelligence was largely ignored or simply disregarded.” These are shocking revelations in that Scott McClellan thinks that these are revelations.
  • We’ve heard this crap for years, folks. Did he write this book, or just lift chunks from Richard Clark’s book, George Tenet’s book, Paul Bremer’s book, and Barney the Dog’s book ‘Who Let the Dogs of War Out?’, in which Barney accuses the President about misleading him about a trip to the vet?
  • A Tip O’ the Hat to Fox News’ Michelle Malkin who has long defended the Homeland with such books as Invasion: How America still welcomes terrorists, criminals, and other foreign menaces to our shores and In Defense of Internment: The case for ‘racial profiling’ in World War II and the War on Terror and Yes Those Last Two Are Actual Titles Of Books I’ve Written, Unlike This One Which Is Made Up.
  • Well, Malkin has once again protected our nation from the enemy within – Rachel Ray. She may look perky, but she could kill you with a melon baller. In a recent Dunkin Donuts ad, Ray wears what looks like a Palestinian scarf, a kafia seen here on such sinister characters as Yasser Arafat and Evil Spock.
  • Malkin launched an attack against Ray and Dunkin for what she calls “hate couture.” Speaking of hate couture, Michelle, have you seen the uniforms of the Myanmar junta? Hate it! I am sorry. Eppelets and brocade? Fellas, hmm hmm. Piece of advice – before you leave the house always look in the mirror, take one medal off.
  • Thankfully, Dunkin Donuts has pulled the offending ad. People might have seen Rachel Ray’s scarf as coded instructions to pass out iced coffees at national landmarks and give innocent tourists brain freeze.
  • Finally, a wag of my finger at blind people. [*puts bell on finger while wagging*] Do you hear this, visually impaired? That is the audio of my wrath and it is not nearly as merry as it sounds.
  • Evidently, the blind has trouble distinguishing US bills which all have the same size and texture. Oh, really? Then what do you call the purple $5 bill? Or are you also color blind?
  • I just hope they don’t copy other countries and add braille or change the bills’ sizes. I say, we give different denominations different smells. Each bill should have the natural scent of the hero upon it.
  • The $1 bill would smell like wooden teeth and the $100 bill would smell like French whores.
  • My guest tonight wrote a book about how politics is returning to old time populism. He’ll play the role of ‘Ordinary Joe’ and I’ll play the role of ‘Privileged Autocrat Who Crushes Him’.
  • Regular people work for the Establishment. That’s what makes them ‘Regular’.
  • They’re just anticipating my stinging rejoinder.
  • He has a Texas accent and he clears brush! How much clearer does he need to make it that he’s an average Joe?
  • The candidate is the vehicle for the people. The people swell up underneath the candidate and they inflate him like a political power balloon…
  • Are you the Che Guevara of our age? Are you looking forward to the day when college students wear your face on their T-shirts and don’t know what you did?
  • A precipice is something you steer away from, you put guard rails up against and you say “Watch your children! Precipice!”
    • Stephen: If we do get the change you’re talking about, will I still have my show?
    • David: I sure hope so.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit; gray on beige striped shirt with barrel cuffs; Cornflower blue tie with white square dot pattern.


  1. AmandaIvy says:

    I don’t know why it was so hilarious to see “gay-‘Stephen'” talk about hate couture. Lol. I could watch it a hundred times and it would still be funny.

  2. Ms Interpreted says:

    Ah, the return of the Shout-out (“Hey!”) … it’s been too long. I giggled like a child when Stephen was talking about “pooping in a bag” but, to be a little more anal (heh), it should be noted that the, um, solid waste system is still reportedly working just fine.

    Nice to see Tom Purcell get some face time on The Report last night, too.

    • I just adore Stephen’s almost-character break when the “Hey!” sound bite is played just before the Shout Out. He always looks like he’s on the brink of a character break, and it just cracks me up.

      I just adored this line: “…and, what the hell, Hitler, apple pie, and Spiderman.” Fantastic show!

  3. Laaaura says:

    I found the opening line last night to be especially funny since last night was the first time in a while that I decided to go to bed early and just watch TCR in the morning. lol.

  4. i was so glad to see a toss last night, i was going into “toss withdrawal” =P i so look forward to those…

    though last nights was kinnd strange =S lol

  5. looped linear says:

    I loved the bell on his finger when he wagged at the blind…..so thoughtful….lolol

    …and I *really* lovelovelove the edit feature! =D

  6. mrtigger001 says:

    i thought tonight’s episode was an off night, except for Stephen trying to defend NASA’s classification of their solution as a “bag-like collection system.”

    i’m glad he covered Michelle Malkin vs. Rachael Ray though. that story was one of the most ridiculous things i’ve ever heard.

  7. IAMmissAMERICA says:

    The Nazis used to complain about things that were too Jewish. Then they took action.

    Malkin, you ignorant slut.

    God help us.

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