Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)

“Tonight’s show is brought to you by the number one and the letter ‘me.’ This is The Colbert Report!“

Seventh Inning Kvetch: “Tonight, Little League baseball players are under attack. And not just by the rival team’s fathers.”

• The Major Baseball League warns Little League baseball teams not to use trademarked team names
• The WØRD: Brushback Pitch

Sickening When Wet: “Plus, is there something in our water? I mean, besides all that agua the Mexicans smuggled in.”

• Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
• Hydration
• Pet Health
• Plastic Surgery

Claire In Present Danger: “Plus, my guest, Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill, is supporting Barack Obama. Well, you’ll never inspire young women now, U.S. Senator Claire McCaskill.”

• U.S. Senator Claire McCaskill, D-MO

In closing: Well folks, that’s it for the Report. For those of you burning the midnight oil, it is really time to switch over to electric power. Good night.

Video Highlight:

Cheating Death – Liquid Launch
Liquid Launch is a new energy drink that doesn’t have one of the ingredients in rocket fuel – it has every ingredient in rocket fuel.

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• *Stephen shadowboxes to open the show*
• Nation, it is Fleet Week here in New York City. Last night, I talked about a long-standing tradition that I invented yesterday. When you see a soldier or a sailor, I want you to express your excitement for being so near an American hero by yelling, “Hot d*mn!” Now this upset some people, because my viewers are polite and genteel, and unaccustomed to swearing like a sailor. So. I just want to say that if you don’t feel comfortable yelling, “Hot d*mn!” it is just as appropriate to greet them with a hearty “Warm dang.”
• Microbes. As in tiny organic Martian lifeforms that have been trapped in the permafrost. . . until now. These fools are gonna bring them to the surface, where these microbes can multiply, build a spaceship, and invade Earth.
• Eveyone knows that Martians are destined to enslave us. Ask anyone who has battled them, like Bugs Bunny or Sean Hannity.
• Which brings me to The Colbert Report‘s newest segment: Microbe Beat! *cue the Star Wars Mos Eisley Cantina theme* Where we put the world of microbes under the microscope.
• Next, the number one threat to microbes, Penicillin. It is a godless healing machine. Penicillin, you make me sick. Then, immediately cure me. How ironic.
• You know folks, like a lot of microbes, I’m a busy guy. But I still get hungry. And when I do, I reach for. . . decaying squirrel. Yes, nothing satisfies that craving for rotting organic matter like decaying squirrel. Decaying squirrel, from the people who brought you decomposing raccoon.
• Martian microbes, remember who your friends are.
• Nation, call me old-fashioned, but I can’t stand kids today. They act so entitled. “I deserve an education.” “Leave some oil for me.”
• [Brushback Pitch] In baseball, when the batter crowds the plate, the pitcher throws a brushback, usually a 90-mile-an-hour fastball thrown at the batter’s head. It sends a message. ["I Make $50 Mil And I'm Still An A-Hole"]
• Now, Major League Baseball is sending a similar message to Little Leaguers in suburban Chicago by threatening to sue them over their uniforms. You see, some of the kids’ teams have the same names as professional teams. But they haven’t paid Major League Baseball a licensing fee. Now, sure, the uniforms don’t feature official Major League team logos, but according to Major League Baseball, not only the logos but the team names are trademarked. That means, even if you have an especially tall group of 12-year-olds, you can’t call them the Giants. And no matter how fierce your T-ball team is, they can’t be the Tigers. And if you get them drunk before the game, they’re still not the Brewers. [Technically, Brewees]
• That is, unless you pay Major League Baseball. *clip of newscaster* Hey kids. Cough up the cash or you’re Bulldogs. The lowest rung on the mascot ladder. Except for that Stanford tree.
• And don’t say, “Hey Stephen, give them a break, they’re only 10 years old.” Oh yeah? Mussolini was 10 once.[The Tricycles Ran On Time]
• Those kids put trademark names on their jerseys without paying. You know what we call that in this country? [Emulating Their Heroes] Theft.
• And Major League Baseball is very concerned about theft. [Stole "Long And Boring" From Opera]
• You see, folks, they don’t want this kind of criminality sullying the good things about baseball. [Like Barry Bonds' Giant Head]
• These kids, these kids aren’t just stealing team names; they’re ripping off all kinds of stuff from the majors. Where did these kids get the idea of using a mitt? Or wearing a cup? [Or Cheat On A Urine Test?]
• And talk about intellectual property right infringement! Kids are throwing around baseball slang like they own it. That’s why the MLB needs to trademark those expressions too. Maybe with some expansion teams. Like the Santa Fe Hey Batter Batters. Or the Palo Alto Belly Itchers. Or the Carolina Coach Is Taking Us For Ice Cream After The Games.
• Now, we in the media are just as guilty as those kids. We infringe on Major League Baseball’s trademark every time we use the words ‘Major League Baseball.’ [Without The Express Written Consent Of Major League Baseball]
• So, I think to protect the integrity of the game, we need to stop mentioning Major League Baseball entirely. [Take Ball, Go Home]
• Now, if I have to mention it, I’ll refer to it as something else, like the National Basketball Association. [Or "The $7 Pretzel Place"]
• And to all those out there who say they’re just being greedy, this is not greed. [Compared To A $7 Pretzel] No. What they’re doing here is just as American as baseball and apple pie. [And Whatever's In Hot Dogs]
• And folks, don’t worry about upsetting the kids who won’t be wearing the uniforms of their heroes. They’ll find a way to get over it. [Soccer]
• Prescott, makers of the only artificial heart that also plays Blu-Ray DVDs.
• Lately, some folks are worried about America’s water supply, just because most of it is contaminated by perchlorate, one of the ingredients in rocket fuel. That’s right, now people are complaining about free rocket fuel.
• There is a “distinct possibility that the agency will do nothing to remove the toxin from our water,” according to EPA spokesman Benjamin Grumbles. There is also a distinct possibility that Benjamin Grumbles is a cartoon goat.
• Well, with that in mind, Prescott Pharmaceuticals is proud to introduce its own line of energy water: Liquid Launch! It doesn’t have one of the ingredients in rocket fuel, it has every ingredient in rocket fuel. When you blast some Liquid Launch into your innerspace, you’ll be singing ‘Ground Control to Major Yum.’ Side effects of Liquid Launch may include involuntary Narnia adventures, ADHDEAD, and whatever happens when you drink rocket fuel.
• If dogs really like being outside so much, why are they always pooping there?
• Slentrol. It’s the first FDA-approved prescription medication to manage obesity in dogs. Now if you don’t think dog obesity is a problem, then why is there a whole breed called Husky? Incidentally, they prefer to be called Siberian Big-bones.
• They tend to fail the important do-not-eat-cadaver exam.
• Vaxaslim Canine. It is the only canine weight-loss medication that keeps weight off, guaranteed, or else you get a free pet carcass.
• Warning: do not confuse Vaxaslim Canine with Vaxaslim Human. You can tell the difference because Vaxaslim Canine has a ‘C’ on the label, while Vaxaslim Human has a sideways ‘U’ for HUman. Should you accidentally take the canine version, immediately consult a mortician. Side effects may include testicular myopia, warlock hump, and Scrappy Doo-ism.
• One plastic surgeon has written a new book, ‘My Beautiful Mommy.’ This book is to help kids cope with their parents’ cosmetic surgery. It is a lot more sensitive than the previous children’s book on the subject, ‘Heather’s Mommy Has Two Expressions.’
• It is just like Pinocchio, but instead of turning him into a real boy, Gepetto takes a belt sander to his face.
• The one problem, I believe they ignored a more troubled group, kids whose parents don’t get plastic surgery. Which is why, thanks to an advance from Prescott Publishing, I have written ‘Why Doesn’t My Mommy Love Me Enough To Get Beautiful?’ It’s the story of a young boy who was forced to watch his mommy get little lines around her eyes until his daddy leaves her for the mommy from this book (holds up ‘My Beautiful Mommy’).
• Side effects of reading my book may include Rocky Mountain oysterism, Grover Norquist syndrome, and rectal buffalo wings.
• Remember Prescott’s slogan: “We sincerely apologize for that whole zombie thing.”
• *McCaskill gifts Stephen with a Missouri flag, even though it’s got bears on it*
• You are a woman, right? Okay. ‘Cause I’ve been burned before.
• Why would a woman support Barack Obama? Those of us in the press know that women – Hillary. Women – Hillary. I am told that over and over again.
• McCaskill: No. No, that gender door swings both ways, that gender equality.
• Colbert: The gender door swings both ways, then you might not be a woman.
• McCaskill: No, no, no, no, no! *laughing*
• Colbert: Madam, that is when I have been burned.
• McCaskill: I am for Barack Obama because he will be a terrific president.
• My understanding is that your kids convinced you to come out publicly and support Barack Obama.
• Were you secretively supporting him because he’s a secret Muslim? Just asking.
• Did the Clinton people try to keep you from doing it (publicly supporting Obama)? Did James Carville stalk you? Did President Clinton call you, or anything like that?
• McCaskill: She’s smart, she’s strong, she’s a great leader, and so it was hard because there’s a lot of my supporters that thought I should have been for Senator Clinton instead of Senator Obama.
• A lot of people have said that a younger generation of people, you know ‘my children want Barack Obama, he’s their future, that’s why I’m voting for Barack Obama, or that’s why I would support him.’
• McCaskill: Well, I think the kids getting involved is pretty important. I mean, they’re off the couch and they’re out there working and they’re excited, and that’s a big deal.
• Colbert: Do you think that so many young people support Barack Obama because they are also too young and inexperienced to be president, and they can identify with him?
• McCaskill: They have that in common – they appreciate the energy level, yeah.
• *applause for the GI Bill*
• My one reservation here is that the GI Bill is going to allow for funding for college educations for those who serve more than three years in the military. Isn’t that just going to turn our brave soldiers into university elitists?
• McCaskill: It’s going to turn them into smart college students. And great Americans.
• Your statements universally inspire applause.
• Why do you think Barack Obama is the best man or woman to be the next president of the United States?
• McCaskill: You know, this is a guy who has vision, he inspires people, he has great judgment, he’s exciting a whole new generation of people to get involved, and I think he’s going to have the kind of foreign policy and and economic policy that’s going to make America feel good about itself again.
• *Editor’s note: that closing is a nod to NFZ’s late-night episode recapping, yes?*

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, pale blue shirt with barrel cuffs, pale yellow tie, WristSTRONG bracelet.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Intro – 5/28/08 : Little League Baseball players are under attack, something is in our water, and Senator Claire McCaskill will never inspire young women because she supports Barack Obama.
• Microbe Beat: The number one threat to microbes is penicillin – a godless healing machine.
• The Word – Brushback Pitch: Little Leaguers aren’t just stealing team names from Major League Baseball. Where did they get the idea of using a mitt or wearing a cup?
• Guest Claire McCaskill: Senator Claire McCaskill explains why Barack Obama is the best man or woman to be the next president of the United States.