Episode 4067 (05/15/2008)

“Good things come to those who wait. [pause] This is The Colbert Report!”

Open Big House: “Tonight, states are releasing prisoners early to save money. This is your lucky day, Wesley Snipes.”

• It’s American Craft Beer Week
• John Edwards endorses Barack Obama
• President Bush addresses the Israeli Knesset

The Wørd: Jail Sweet Jail

Tax & Spend: “Then, how should you spend your tax rebate check. For tips, visit the Colbert Nation on-line gift shop.”

• Stephen Colbert’s Bears and Balls: Dollar Stretching Edition
• Pick Your Own Food Farms
• Dollar Stores
• Smaller Cars

My Interview With Andrei: “Plus, my guest Andrei Cherny calls the 1948 Berlin air lift America’s finest hour. What about the final episode of Mash? ”

• Andrei Cherny – author, The Candy Bombers

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
The Candy Bombers: The Untold Story of the Berlin Airlift and America’s Finest Hour

In closing: “That’s it for the Report, folks. We’re off for a week. If you’re looking for something to watch, might I recommend my reruns? ”

Video Highlight:

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Intro – 5/15/2008: States are releasing prisoners early to save money, and Stephen has ideas on how to spend your tax rebate check.
• American Craft Beer Week: Don’t forget to celebrate American Craft Beer Week with a fine American microbrew.
• Edwards Endorses Obama: John Edwards endorses Barack Obama, but he hasn’t received the jet ski he was promised.
• The Word – Jail Sweet Jail: If you have an extra bedroom, you could be the proud owner/operator of a charming private prison.
• Bears & Balls – Dollar Stores: If you shop for groceries at dollar stores, you can find bargains on discontinued lunch meats and irregular bacon.
• Andrei Cherny: Andrei Cherny explains how America prevented the spread of Communism by dropping candy bars.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Happy American Craft Beer Week, everybody! This isn’t one of those fake holidays like Grandparents Day or Women’s History month. This is officially sanctioned by Congress, as of 2006, which in my book makes it the equal to the separation of Church and State.
• I recently discovered a tasty little number called Pabst. You know it’s good because it won a blue ribbon.
• He’s been keeping the nation on tenterhooks – tenterhooks the troops could have used to win the war on terrorism.
• This is just more proof that Obama is elitist. His new friend has a $400 haircut.
• “I was promised a jet ski - and I haven’t gotten it yet.”
• Shame on you Barack Obama. You raise like what, $280-million in a week and you couldn’t pony up a lousy jet ski for the son of a mill worker? How is Barack Obama supposed to unite the country if he can’t even unit John Edwards with a Kawasaki 800-SXR?
• Think of all the environmental damage Edwards is not doing by not getting a jet ski, which I will now personally have to make up by punching a manatee in the face.
• Hillary must be pissed. Mr. Edwards, if you receive a last minute jet ski from the Clinton campaign, be sure and have somebody else start it.
• Mr. Bush is, of course, alluding to Barack Obama who last year said that as President he would be willing to sit down and meet with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahm-I’m-going-to-kill-myself-if-the-primary-season-doesn’t-end-soon-ijad.
• This can only mean 1 thing, folks: The American senator who wanted to talk to Hitler back in 1939 was, in fact, Barack Obama.
• He’s not just a secret Muslim. He’s a secret time-traveling Nazi Muslim.
• The other day I was watching CNN – I like to place bets on whether there will be any food in Wolf Blitzer’s beard. I’ve got 500 bucks riding on noodle-koogle.
• Releasing criminals early will hurt our nation’s prison industry, not to mention our not being murdered industry. Which a lot of people rely on for their livelihood.
• We can’t let some midnight toker with a dozen pot plants in his closet walk the streets. Think about the safety of our nation’s snack chips.
• Nation, I know what you’re thinking. ["How Did He Know About My Pot Plants?"]
• The simple solution is to shoot prisoners into space. [In Space, No One Can Hear Your Appeal]
• As John McCain said in January, quote, “there are some jobs that aren’t coming back.” [Like "Republican President"]
• We should look to this industry as a solution and let Americans struggling to make ends meet open ‘Mom And Pop’ jails. [As American As Apple Pie & The Death Penalty]
• If you have an extra bedroom, you could be the proud owner of a charming private prison. [Quaint-anamo Bay]
• Imagine pocketing that cash for locking a shoplifter in your coat-closet. [Remember Not To Leave Cash In Coat Pocket]
• If we make this the only way to help working families, these private prisons will replenish themselves because actual job creation programs might create more jobs and more jobs means fewer criminals. [Excluding Job of "Detroit Mayor"]
• If that happens, who are these free lance wardens going to chain to their radiator? [For Her Own Good, Amy Winehouse]
• As long as the best job option is locking a pimp in your pantry, we’re sure to have plenty of criminals in the years to come. [And Nutmeg That Gives You Herpes]
• This competition in incarceration will bring the efficiency of the free market to the prison system and eventually we will reach the ultimate goal – having poor people imprison themselves. [Handcuffed To Their Own Bootstraps]
• I just got my government rebate check and I’ve just got one thing to say to Viacom President Sumner Redstone – Suck it, old man! I’m out of this dump.
• Nation, no one loves his job like I do. It’s easy when you have a great boss like Sumner Redstone.
• These pick your own food farms bring all the fun of back breaking physical labor with the excitement you can only get fighting off hungry crows. Plus, if you are fast enough, free, delicious crows.
• There’s no reason we can’t have club your own pork chop parlors and suck your own udder milk bars.
• I love dollar stores. I go there for necessities like Mr. Cool toothpaste, Tibe detergent, and irregular socks.
• If this food is anything like the rest of the dollar store inventory, you’re sure to find bargains on discontinued lunch meat ["otis Miles Lip Loaf"], irregular bacon, and Farm Fresh Oggs. They’re like eggs, but harvested from animals that don’t ordinarily lay eggs.
• It’s getting more and more expensive to buy it and with so many gas stations open 24 hours, it’s getting harder and harder to steal it.
• I’m no fan of small cars. I don’t believe Americans should be driving around in motorized Altoid tins.
• If the people want less car, I’ll give them least car. Introducing the Colbert Tyro! It is a converted tractor tire that you sit in. It comes with one speed and a clutch – in that you have to clutch the side or you’ll fly right out of it. And it is a great fuel efficient way to get where you need to go, as long as that place is downhill.
• If you still need help coping with a tough economy… [*hits button*] “Get a 3rd job!”
  [*hits button*] “sell your kidneys!”
  [*hits button*] “Marry Cindy McCain!”
• You say that this halted the march of Communism across Europe which, A. I find offensive because we know that Reagan defeated Communism…
• Wait a second… are you saying that humanitarian aid is the way for us to win the hearts and minds of the world? That doesn’t instill fear!

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit; Mauve shirt with barrel cuffs; Grape purple tie with white dot pattern; Red WristSTRONG bracelet.

• Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)
• Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)
• Episode 4066 (5/14/08)
• Episode 4063 (05/08/2008)