You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and you shake it all about. Who knew restless leg syndrome was so much fun? This is The Colbert Report!”
Lobbyists, Guns & Money: “Tonight, I profile an anti-gun lobbyist. He’ll end this interview not with a bang, but a whimper. ”
- Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly has a temper tantrum on tape
- Better Know a Lobby: the Brady Campaign
Women & Pundits First: “And my guest Jennifer Hooper McCarty has written a book about what really sank the Titanic. The smart money’s on Leonardo DiCaprio’s schvantz. ”
- Guest: Forensic metallurgist Dr. Jennifer Hooper McCarty, author of ‘What Really Sank the Titanic: New Forensic Discoveries
‘
In closing: “Well, that’s it for the Report, everybody, don’t forget to go online and watch ‘The Colbert Report Backstage After-Show Show.’ It’s where I go into a room with a perfect replication of this set, and re-enact this show exactly. Gonna be fun. Goodnight.”
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- Editor’s note: once again, happy birthday!*
- I can hereby declare with great certainty and confidence, ladies and gentlemen, that the state of the Colbert Nation is strong.
- No, Clinton will not catch Obama in the popular vote. And yes, Obama now also leads in superdelegates. But, the contest will continue. And Nation, this is what the American people want. And I know that, because I read it today, in today’s The USA Today, which ran this headline: “Dems say let the contest continue,” just above this much smaller headline, “But more say Clinton should quit, poll shows.”
- Well done, The USA Today. Thank you for reminding us that this historic primary has not become a manufactured battle, reported long past its relevance in a bald-faced effort to sell newspapers. It is what the people want. Just not most of them.
- Nation, I was on the internets last night, conducting my weekly search for sex tapes of myself. Pretty sure I haven’t made any, but I do take a lot of Ambien, so you never know. I did not – keep me posted. I didn’t find any footage of me, but I did find something that made my blood boil.
- Apparently some jokers out there have posted a twenty-year-old video of my mentor Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly on the set of his Polk-award-winning series, ‘Inside Edition.’
- Now, folks, before you pass judgment, keep in mind this clip is from the early 90′s. That means the Sting video he was going to play was from Sting’s album ‘The Soul Cages.’ First time I heard it, I wanted to beat someone to death with a lute.
- Now I can see why this O’Reilly clip is popular; it’s a shocker. I mean, who could have guessed O’Reilly had a temper? *Clip of Bill O’Reilly and Geraldo Rivera yelling at each other*
- Now, as far as I’m concerned, Bill did nothing wrong in that ‘Inside Edition’ clip. He just has a firm hand. Ask anyone he has loofahed.
- You have got to strike a little fear in your crew. I mean, my crew is always trying to sneak phrases into the teleprompter, and I, and my tiny, tiny penis will not stand for it, I have a tiny penis, okay?
- “It was the first time they’d seen something like this in over twenty years in the business. Looks like at this pet store, it really is a dog-eat-dog world.”
- “I’m s. . . okay, we got a problem. There’s something wrong with the prompter. Those aren’t the right words. Those aren’t words. What does that mean, ‘I’m sorry, I was wrong’? What is that? I don’t know – I’ve never seen those words before in my life.”
- “F**k it. F**k you! F**k you! Hey! Who’s that? Who’s that new guy?! What’s your name – Brian what?! F**k you, Brian Williams! You’ll never work in this business again! I’m too big for this town! I’ll let you all know I have a callback for a station in Richmond, Virginia! As in Richmond, f**king capital VA! F**k it! No f**k you, we’ll do it live! We’ll do it live! [PA: Stephen, Stephen. This is live.] Well that’s it for the WPTS News at Noon, where we bring you what mattersons. . . to Pattersons. Springs.”
- May I point out, nobody wears dickies anymore. Just me and Brokaw. It’s a lost art.
- There is an old saying: behind every great legislator, there is a free golf trip to Scotland.
- Despite efforts to limit the influence of special interests, there are over 35,000 lobbyists in Washington, D.C. A testament to the massive influence of the most powerful lobby of all: the Lobby Lobby.
- Tonight: the gun control lobby. The Fightin’ Pacifists! They may hate guns, but they have no problem blasting holes in the Constitution.
- Fifteen years ago, the Brady campaign convinced Congress to pass a bill requiring a five-day waiting period and background check before purchasing a gun. This is ridiculous. That takes all the spontaneity out of hunting! By the time you go through all the red tape and get your gun, that deer will have untangled himself from your swingset.
- *Fashion note for the BKAL interview… what is that tweed-ish jacket and plaid tie combination, Stephen’s stylist?*
- Stephen: *After pulling increasingly and ridiculously large firearms out of that jacket* Okay. Defend the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence.
- Helmke: The Brady Campaign wants sensible gun laws.
- Stephen: It sounds like you’re coming for our guns.
- Helmke: Well, we’re not trying to take everybody’s guns away.
- Stephen: But you want to take my guns away.
- Helmke: I don’t want to take your guns away.
- Stephen: The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. You are talking about infringing, infringement. There is infringing going on.
- Helmke: Well, we’re still arguing about what the Constitution means.
- But there is infringement.
- When they wrote the Constitution, they didn’t allow everybody to bear guns.
- Stephen: Infringe, infringe, infringe. Infringe, infringe, infringe, infringe, infringe.
- Helkme: It’s the only amendment that’s got the word ‘regulation’ in it. They must have meant some sort of regulation in it.
- Stephen: You might as well wear a fringe jacket.
- Helmke: The thing here is, we make it too easy for dangerous people to get guns.
- Stephen: Name one situation when you don’t need a gun.
- Helmke: Um, I don’t ever carry a gun around, so I don’t think I need a gun.
- Stephen: What if I came at you with a knife?
- Helmke: If you came at me right now with a knife, I’d try to trip you up and get away from you.
- Stephen: Okay, but I sidestepped your trip up, and I’m coming at you.
- Helmke: I’d try to appeal to your rational side, and if you don’t have a rational side, I’d try to kick you in the – uh, where I can hurt you.
- Stephen: They’re brass. Wouldn’t affect at all. Plus, even if you shot me, it wouldn’t stop me ’cause I’m hopped up on screamers.
- If you give a crazy person a gun, give a sane person two guns.
- I mean, I think people are tired of the ‘a lot of people have been killed by guns’ card.
- Right off the bat, your title is very provocative. ‘What Really Sank the Titanic.’ We know what sank the Titanic. History has shut the book. It was an iceberg, which I call the terrorist of the high seas, that’s why I am in favor of global warming. It is payback time, baby, payback!
- Stephen: Faulty rivets. What’s a faulty rivet?
- McCarty: Well. A rivet is – it’s like a two-headed nail that holds steel plates together. And the rivets on the Titanic were made with substandard iron.
- Stephen: Those little bumps there, in that picture, those are all rivets? There are a lot of them, what could possibly go wrong?
- McCarty: I have my Ph. D. in metallurgy.
- Stephen: OOOOOH you’re elitist! Oh, excuse me! Oh, excuse me! I guess you know more than James Cameron, then!
- McCarty: Well, about the rivets, I do.
- I’m not saying your theory’s wrong, I’m saying that I reject it. Now defend it.
- I’m on the edge of my chair. I’m picturing you in a musty archive, go ahead. With a flashlight, and maybe being hunted by bad guys.
- By the way, what about this theory – that God sank it because he didn’t want a rich girl like Kate Winslet sleeping with a poor guy like Leonardo DiCaprio?
- McCarty: Well Stephen, I have to tell you, that if anything happens to the Eiffel Tower, if it collides with an iceberg or if it collapes, you’re gonna know who to call.
- Give me your cell phone number – I’ll put you on speed dial!
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal grey suit, white shirt with French cuffs, grey-blue satiny tie with quilted pattern, WristSTRONG bracelet
He said “ya’ll”. teehee :)
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Sorry for the double post but I HAVE to add this. His outfit in the interview was such a Chuck Noblet flashback. Today was a really good episode. Too bad he didn’t mention anything about his birthday :(
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I thought the same thing with the outfit. It screamed Chuck Noblet. And the mustache! LOL. And at one point he did even say he was “hopped up on screamers”. Exit 57 reference FTW!
For some reason, though “Stephen” would like the attention for it being his birthday, I don’t think Stephen really made a big fuss about it. I wouldn’t doubt someone mentioned it during the audience Q&A, especially judging by the audience reaction at the top of the show. They didn’t seem to want to be quiet.
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I was surpised by the no-birthday-mention as well. Did Stephen celebrate his birthday on air for 2006 and 2007?
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Well, 2008 is actually the first year that his birthday fell on an air date. In 2006, it fell on a Saturday and in 2007 it fell on a Sunday.
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Maybe he just did not want to make a big deal out of it on his show. Yeah I know his character would love the attention. Maybe he didn’t have time to mention that? Perhaps there will be some mention of it today. Like I don’t know if you this nation, but I just celebrated my birthday yesterday…. That could be turned into some kind of National holiday for next year.
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There are two plays on words from this episode that reminded me of SWC: the “after the show show” and “the fightin’ Pacifists” (for the wordplay as well as Geoffrey’s joke about being a Pacifist during the bully episode).
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“I pass my fist!”
I love that episode. It reminds me that I’m doing a good thing by beating people up.
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Ms. McCarty is very cute in her interview. :)
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this is off-topic, but CC insider blog has a video of ‘waiters nauseated by food’ from the dana carvey show:
http://ccinsider.comedycentral.com/cc_insider/2008/05/happy-birthda-8.html
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Just to report: The Dana Carvey Show is now available on iTunes ($13.99 or $1.99 each) and on Netflix Instant Viewing (for free with membership).
I’ve only seen 2 shows, but it is excellent so far and highly recommended for Colbert fans. His Rob Lowe impression is drop-jaw fantastic!
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which episode has rob lowe? i didn’t see that one
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Episode 2, at the end, has a sketch about Celebrity Bloopers and Dark Sides. I cannot believe anyone could do Rob Lowe that well…it’s stunning. And his George Harrison kills me.
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Hulu.com also has all 8 episodes (they only did 8, right?). I have this twisted fantasy of TCR have Geraldo Rivera back and Stephen staging some kind of dueling Geraldos with him.
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I can’t believe they picked that Exit 57 sketch. It’s hilarious, but slightly disturbing. Lol.
And that clip of SWC makes me want to go watch it all over again!
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I LOVED everything about this episode! The audience gave Stephen a lot of love last night too. The state of the Colbert Nation is strong indeed.
Okay, so Stephen asked us to let him know if we find online sex tapes of him? I think I’ll have to do a search and make sure there are none out there on the Internets. You know, just to be helpful. :-) That whole O’Reilly segment was hilarious and the dickey and mustache were so wrong yet perfect. It’s too bad they had to bleep out all of the F-bombs. I would love to see an unedited version.
I liked The USA today segment. This really got the heart of the issue: “It is what the people want. Just not most of them.”
I was so happy to see the BKAL segment. The “better know” and museum field pieces are among my very favorite things on TCR and this one did not disappoint. I am going to have to watch the video of this a few more times to catch everything.
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My fershluginner DVR always cuts off the end of the show — did anyone catch the last thing Stephen said?
“Go to Colbertnation.com for the after-show recap….” ??
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It’s all here in the episode guide under “in closing” (in the top summary part of the guide).
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Stephen’s lost his party hat! And very nice EG, Kina
Anyway, I have to leave a comment just because the ReCaptcha is Mr sainthood
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*nonsensical fashion statement about the bkal suit*
With that out of the way, have to say I loved the zapper on the interview. I went to school for programming with emphasis in video games, so any game references always make my day, such as tds duck hunt in 06
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Nice recap, Kina! (feeling even more like a heel for not having gotten Monday’s posted yet …)
Really, really loved this show. The “Fightin’ pacifists” had me choking with laughter, and I thought it was a strong episode, through and through. (C’mon “The Hollow Men” in the opening and the meta reference to his website at the end?! What doesn’t this show have fun playing with?)
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I thought they captured the feel of a late 1980s local news segment so well. Although we don’t really give it a second thought, I’m sure the people behind-the-scenes really put in some time creating that look and feel through the graphics, music, etc.
Charlene was also disturbingly believable as coming from another time:)
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Yeah they really did a good job getting that slightly fuzzy, analog television feel. Stephen’s mocking of O’Reilly was priceless.
My favorite segment was probably “Today’s The USA Today.” (He always makes fun of that paper’s name, doesn’t he?) A really good find on his part.
And the guest was too cute.
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Okay, I just have to add this, my favorite segment of the Better Know a Lobbyist segment (because I want to use the ReCAPTCHA I have now, “Married” “braless”):
Helmke: Jim Brady, I think, is really one of the true heroes in our society …
Stephen: That’s like, just a card you’re playing to win an argument, as opposed to listening to the issues here, which is, “People want guns.” And if you say, “Hey, guns kill a lot of people. Look what happened at Virginia Tech; look what happened at Columbine; look at our leaders who’ve been assassinated; look at how many children are killed every year by playing with guns that were not locked properly; look at couples that kill each other; look how many people in individual families are murdered by members of their own family; look how more likely you are to be killed by a gun that you are keeping in your house than to be able to defend yourself; look how hard it is even for policemen to defend themselves when they are attacked by someone with a weapon …” I mean, I think people are tired of the “a lot of people have been killed by guns” card.
HA!
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yeah, that litany of the ills of guns was smart of stephen colbert to say. great way to focus on the issues and mock the personality cult to win sway people. excellent satire.
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I agree MSI. That was the best part of last night’s BKAL. Well, that and all of the guns Stephen had on him.
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May I just say how nice Stephen looked in his BKAL suit? That dark brown tweed/suede looked really nice with his complexion.
I always love it when Stephen says “Today” like 3 times before he gets to saying The USA Today. That always makes me laugh…
Exceptionally funny show last night. I’m looking forward to reading Hooper McCarty’s book too. I always enjoy it when Stephen does his best just to try to make his guests laugh sometimes — looks to me like he really got her in the end and she could barely keep her composure.
Is it just me, or does anyone else here cheer like crazy when bears are number one on the Threat Down? I don’t know why, but I always do…
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Re the BKAL suit: I think it was supposed to be a English tweed hunting jacket, the leather tab at the lapel is used to close the jacket in bad highlands weather. Nice touch!
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Ahhh-ha!! Now *that* is an obscure bit of knowledge! Thank you! Now I can stop wondering.
I knew there must be a reason for that odd outfit, but couldn’t fathom why. I was really distracted from the interview by wondering why it seemed to be a different color/material on the left side than on the right.
…And the plaid tie was no doubt the show’s taking the outfit one step further into ridiculousness. I *hope* they had to have that made special!
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:) I <B obscurity.
I surmise the outfit was also a riff on SC’s “elitist” fixation – the plaid tie and the suede panels being part of the upper crust WASP or English country gentleman uniform. You can see similar jackets if you google “tweed shooting jacket.”
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I could be completely off base here, but the tie reminded me of a hunting tartan. Scottish tartans sometimes come in variations called “ancient” or “weathered” or “hunting.” The hunting tartan is usually subdued colors that blend into the scenery, sort of like Scottish camouflage. You can get ties in those tartans, so maybe that’s what it was? I dunno, it was the first thing I thought of. It was a nice touch with the jacket.
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I agree Lisa. Stephen looks really good in the brown jacket. It brings out the color of his eyes and goes well with his complexion.
Like you, I always hope for the number one threat to be bears. :-)
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the dickie cracked me up! okay, so “schvantz” in this episode, “dipstick” in the last one…this show is dirty this week. also, i didn’t really care for the guest. she seemed really annoying when she announced she has a Ph.D. so, if there were perfectly fine rivets crashing into an iceberg the ship would have been okay? it just seems like “hey i’ll turn my worthless thesis into a book”.
what was the Eiffel tower about? Because he’s “French”?
recaptcha: out Privacy
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The show was dirty last week too. I don’t know what’s gotten into him lately. Lol.
I didn’t really care for her either. She seemed really condescending, especially, as you said, when she announced she has a PhD.
She seems to forget that he’s Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. (which IMO, is more awesome than a PhD. in metallurgy.
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I think she was just nervous. Her voice got very high and quivery as she tried to negotiate around Stephen’s jokes and make her points. And Stephen was very affable with her so her brain was probably melting.
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@ vigwig: “I think she was just nervous.”
I think she was a little nervous, too, which is certainly understandable. I enjoyed the interview, though, and I thought she was very likable.
Stephen seemed to like her, too, and he certainly enjoyed pouncing on her for being an elitist. LOL
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You know, between Stephen and Jon, it’s all been pretty dirty lately. Spring fever, maybe?
And, although it was a little obnoxious of her to answer with what I call the “Ph.D. Defense,” I always feel I have to give the Ph.D.s out there a bit of a break (long story).
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I found her rather annoying as well, but as others have suggested, I think it might have come out of nervousness. However, I loved it when Stephen jumped on her for her Ph.D. comment:)
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I thought she was sexy… but I have a thing for elitists.
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LOL! Wonderful O’Reilly mocking with a nice shout out to BriWi. Bill-O’s gonna be mad at Stephen for showing that clip, I wonder if he’ll be dumb enough to retaliate – that would make for some good them there TV.
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Indeed it would – Pundit Off? Who can say the F word the most?
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@ vigwig: “Bill-O’s gonna be mad at Stephen for showing that clip….”
I saw the clip on Countdown with Keith Olbermann on MSNBC earlier yesterday and was surprised to see it again on TCR.
Bill-O really does have a feud going with Olbermann. LOL Poor Bill.
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according to imdb…
O’Reilly = 6’4″ tall
Olbermann = 6’3 1/2″ tall
O’Reilly’s got a 1/2 inch advantage but Olbermann is younger and in better shape, my money’s on Olbermann (plus he’s not an idiot) :)
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Anyone else notice that Stephen’s hair was back to the polished look last night? Maybe the hairstyle we saw Monday was his regular look from the weekend but they didn’t have time for the “character” hairstyle before the taping on Monday.
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Yeah I noticed it too. Either they didn’t have time, or maybe the person that does his hair wasn’t there, due to sickness or something… who knows.
I really do like it in the more relaxed hairstyle, but the shellacked look fits the character better.
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That PhD girl is hooooot! damn if i knew hot girls were into metalurgy, i would have considered material science in college
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