May
13
Episode 4064 (05/12/2008)
By
“The price of stamps rose a penny. Sweet! I just made twenty cents on my pack of ‘Forever’ stamps. This is The Colbert Report!”
Proof’s in the Putin: “Tonight! Vladimir Putin relinquishes power — then immediately ‘linquishes’ it back.”
- Terry McAuliffe says Tim Russert’s father is dead
- Cold War Update – Russia
Jet Lag: “Then, airlines are saving gas by flying slower. And I’m saving time by flying private.”
- Threatdown!
- Airlines
- Women’s softball
- Dirty keyboards
- Isabella Rossellini
- Adorable bears
The Wizard of Oz: “And, I’ll talk to Dr. Mehmet Oz, author of You: The Owner’s Manual. I hope I don’t have to call India to do tech support on myself.”
- Dr. Mehmet Oz – Doctor and author
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
Dr. Mehmet Oz – You: The Owner’s Manual, Updated and Expanded Edition
In closing: “That’s it for the Report, everybody. And now it’s time for my new feature, ‘The Credits that are Destroying America’. Good night!”
Video Highlight — Dr. Mehmet Oz: Dr. Mehmet Oz explains the more sex you have, the longer your life expectancy.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Intro – 5/12/08: Vladimir Putin relinquishes power, airlines save gas by flying slower, and Dr. Mehmet Oz talks about his new book, “You: The Owner’s Manual.”
- Big Russ: Terry McAuliffe talks about Tim Russert’s dead father, but it wasn’t a slip of the tongue.
- Cold War Update – Russia : larus expels our diplomats, China surpasses us in pollution, and Vladimir Putin relinquishes power.
- ThreatDown – Cute Bears : America’s biggest threats are airlines, women’s softball, dirty keyboards, Isabella Rossellini and adorable bears.
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- Yesterday, of course, was Mother’s Day, and I had a great one. Did what I do every year, I put on a wig and a dress and got a free mimosa with brunch. Then, went home, watched Psycho. Tradition!
- Anyway, Nation, I hope you all caught Clinton’s spokesman, Terry McAuliffe, on Meet the Press yesterday. Impressive performance: calm, cool and collected. [Clip of McAuliffe on Meet the Press talking about Hillary's strengths, regional advantages, etc.] I believe he did the entire interview in one breath. Beat that, David Blaine!
- Now everybody knows, the number one rule when you appear on Meet the Press is to appeal to the issues Tim Russert cares about. Specifically, his father, ‘Big Russ’. Jim?
- [Clip of McAuliffe on Meet the Press again, "... A lot of people have said that. Big Russ, if he were sitting here today, nothing's impossible. Jack McAuliffe, if he were with us today, they both ... probably both in Heaven right now, Tim, probably havin' a Scotch, lookin' down, saying, 'You know what? This fight goes on.' It's good for the Democratic Party ..." Russert responds, "Big Russ is in the Barcalounger, still watching this."]
- Yes, turns out Russert’s father is still alive. But folks, that was no slip of the tongue. The Clintons play hardball, Tim; it was a thinly veiled threat against your dad. You take it easy on Hillary, or Big Russ will be sucking down Scotch in Heaven! I hope that Barcalounger does not have its back to a window.
- Nation, if you listen to the mainstream media, the Cold War ended with the fall of the Berlin Wall. But I say the Cold War continues as long as there are any walls in Berlin. If you’ve got nothing to hide, Comrade, why not just floors and ceilings? That’s why I’m still covering the deadly dance of the superpowers: this is your Cold War update!
- **Editor’s note: The people in this graphic are a hoot. I think my fave might be Ivan Drago, from Rocky IV, but Sean Connery in his Hunt for Red October garb is a close second.**
- First up, the former Soviet Socialist Republic: Belarus. Belarus is a human rights violating dictatorship — and not the good kind that supplies us with oil!
- No, it’s the bad kind that expels our diplomats after we threaten them with sanctions over their treatment of political prisoners.
- Listen, Belarusskies! The only detainees who should be mistreated in your country are the ones the CIA sends there in our secret prisons!
- But we struck back, folks, and threatened to close the Belarussian Embassy in Washington, which means that the studio apartment above the Chi-Chis on New Hampshire Ave. may soon be available.
- The next Red menace: China! [Stephen starts sing-songing the stereotyped "Chinese" music, then trails off] Why — ? Jimmy! Why did I have to be the one to make that sound? We talked about this, guys.
- They’ve already outpaced us in production of poisonous toys and border fences, now they’ve surpassed us at our greatest export: pollution.
- How did we fall behind? We’ve been doing everything right: refusing to sign the Kyoto Protocol, pressuring scientists to call global warming a “theory” … I’ve personally had my El Camino idling in the driveway since high school. You’ve gotta let it warm up.
- And finally, Russia, the “Big Red” in the Plen-T-Pack of Communism. Side note: North Korea is the “Juicy Fruit”.
- Last Friday, Russia brought out the big guns, tanks and missiles for Victory Day, which celebrates their triumph over the Nazis. Hey, *WE* beat the Nazis by going over there, personally kicking their ass. All you Russians did was have crappy weather.
- This year was the first time since the collapse of the USSR that atomic weaponry has paraded through Red Square. Terrifying. And sure, this year, it’s only multiple warhead ICBMs. Next year, it could be Russia’s deadliest weapon: polonium-laced sushi.
- Course, the biggest news out of Russia was that last week, respecting his constitutional term limits, President Vladimir Putin relinquished his executive power, stepped aside and handed total control of the country over to … Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.
- He was appointed Prime Minister by the new President, Dimitri Medvediev, who, based on this photo, I believe Putin built in his garage.
- Now folks, lot of Putin fans tonight … and I have publicly praised Putin, and not just because I love not getting poisoned.
- I am confident that even if Putin ends up at the Moscow Baby Gap, floor manager will be the most powerful position in Russia.
- I say they’re stealing our precious vacation time. I plan my family trips like Mussolini. Oh, the planes will run on time.
- In fact, this Memorial Day, we’re going to Europe. 15 countries in 3 days. And I’m not going to let some fuel hungry airline add four minutes to my flight and cut my trip to EuroDisney in half. Sorry, 30 seconds is just not enough time to enjoy [Editor's note: I spent 30 minutes trying to figure out this phrase with no luck. Sorry!]
- I hear 2000 yards from my house is very nice this time of year.
- Women are a threat to sport. They get a chance to seal a victory, and it turns into some kind of slumber party. I wouldn’t be surprised if those girls picked up the bases and used them to start a pillow fight. Although that could be awesome.
- Whoo whoo whoo! Go team that lives near me! Destroy that team from nearby town! My team is the best team and always will be the best until I move. Whoo!
- A study by British microbiologists shows that keyboards contain five times the germs of a toilet seat and test high for instances of e. coli and staphylococcus aureus. Now those are big science words, all I want to know is, who is rubbing their ass on our keyboards?
- Look, I wasn’t born yesterday, I know rubbing your ass on your boss’s keyboard is a time-honored tradition. I used to do it to Jon Stewart’s keyboard all the time. But if you do it at least be polite and leave a note, common courtesy.
- Now I am not going to be able to go fishing without looking into my bait bucket and see some kind of intertebrate Caligula.
- Isabella Rossellini is trying to get me to want to have sex with bugs. Listen, I get it – you get drunk enough and anything looks attractive. Tree stumps, parking meters … we all experimented in college. But I draw the line at bugs. My policy – two eyes, max.
- Look at this disturbing footage from Thailand. Look at that horrible thing. Oh my God, that is just so … look at the fire in his eyes. Look at the .. Oh my God, it’s so horrible. Oh, it’s so huggable. It’s hugga-horrible. Oh, I want to take him home and name him Nappy … Snap out of it ColberT! Snap out of it! He’s making me love bears.
- Luckily I have a crack graphics team who can de-cutinize anything.
- Ooh, he’s got a little turban. Take it down. Still don’t think bears are dangerous? That one almost made Bin Laden adorable.
- From the interview with Dr. Mehmet Oz:
- Stephen: What Why answers do you get from your study of the human body?
Dr. Oz: Well, for example, why does your bowel movement look the way that it looks … for example …
Stephen: Because God likes cigars. - Dr. Oz: Actually, the biggest one for men is to realize your penis is your dipstick for health.
Stephen: Really, so you should wipe it down, stick it in, take it out and see how many quarts of oil you need? - Dr. Oz: The average American male has sex once a week.
Stephen: High five … I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I love high-five’ing. - Stephen: Go on, I like this, I’m going to write some of this down.
- Stephen: We got a little sidetracked about my questions, here, once we started talking about the dipstick.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal grey pinstripe suit, Blue shirt with barrel cuffs, Navy silk ties with small light blue dotted pattern.
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