Episode 4063 (05/08/2008)

First Segment:

• Stephen interviews American Astronaut and Colbert Nation Hero Garrett Reisman… IN SPACE!

Second Segment:

• Gas as a not for profit industry

Third Segment:

• Arianna Huffington – owner of Huffington Post and author, Right Is Wrong

In closing: Fireside Chat: Albert Hoffman – RIP

Guest Plug:
Right Is Wrong: How the Lunatic Fringe Hijacked America, Shredded the Constitution, and Made Us All Less Safe

Video Highlight - Garrett Reisman: Stephen goes intergalactic when he makes contact with a Hero floating in space.

NOTABLE MOMENTS, Video links, and more after the fold!

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• On our very first broadcast, I said that this show was dedicated to the Heroes. And who are the Heroes? The people who watch this show.
• For the last 8 years, the International Space Station has fostered cooperation between nations in the search for scientific knowledge. Now, I don’t like any of the words in that last sentence.
• There is a member of the Colbert Nation – an astronaut – an American astronaut – who is, at this very moment, aboard the International Space Station. Now, due to security restrictions, I cannot tell you which member of the global team is our man. It could be Sergei, So-Yeon, or Garrett. OK, it’s Garrett.
• Garrett Reisman, who clearly has the right stuff, as proven by his right wrist. That is a WristSTRONG bracelet, ladies and gentlemen.
• Kinda sorta makes me an astronaut.
• Dr. Reisman, Sir. You are always welcome on this show. Just name the time. What? Now? OK, evidently we are getting a transmission from Houston Mission Command.
• *Gotta love Stephen looking so happy when he first hears the “event” is a go.*
• • Stephen: Station, this is the Colbert Report. How do you hear me?
  • *Garrett’s location: OMG! SPACE!*
  • Garrett: Colbert Report, this is Station. Loud and clear.
  • Stephen: Awesome! Mr. Reisman, thank you so much for joining us from the depths of space. You are an astronaut, you’re a scientist, you’re an engineer. But, more importantly, you are a member of the Colbert Nation. Correct?
  • Garrett: Actually, I would like to say the Colbert Universe would be more correct.
  • Stephen: Awesome – we’ve gone galactic! I can’t believe my voice is being broadcast to space right now. I should say something really profound. Eat it, Jon Stewart! I’m talking to space!
  • *This is even funnier because transmission delays cause a delayed laugh response from Dr. Reisman
  • Stephen: Now, Sir. What is your job up on the space station?
  • Garrett: On the Space Station, I am Flight Engineer Number 2. Basically means I do whatever they need me to do. So I spend a lot of time keeping the place running, keeping it shipshape, running some scientific experiments, and a bunch of other stuff.
  • Stephen: Are you saying that you’re a janitor with a Ph.D.?
  • Garrett. [laughing] It’s a bit of a glorified janitor, yea. That’s probably a pretty good description. I do a lot of cleaning.
  • Stephen: You run the robot arm. Correct?
  • Garrett: Correct. That’s another one of my duties. In fact, right after we finish this interview today, I’m taking the robot out for a little spin.
  • Stephen: When you control the robot arm, will you be using the hand that is wearing the WristSTRONG bracelet, by any chance?
  • Garrett: Yes, absolutely. The wrist is very important to those of us up here in space. We do use it to control the the robot arm. The wrist comes in handy for landing the space shuttle and also for firing our laser cannons.
  • Stephen: So, it’s purely practical at this point.
  • Garrett: Absolutely.
  • [Ed. Note: They edited out Garrett's confession to the laser cannon being only his fantasy]
  • Stephen: Can we prove to people that you’re in space right now. Would you please take off your WristSTRONG bracelet and spin it in that astronaut way?
  • *Stephen’s overjoyed and laughing*
  • Stephen: Now, Sir. I… Oh, I could die and go to heaven now! I heard that you, uh, in space, no one can hear you scream. Would you test that for me right now? Could you scream for us?
  • Garrett: Sure, Stephen. I’d be happy to. [Mimes a scream]
  • Stephen: It’s true! It’s true! No one can hear you scream! I gotta say, laughing is space looks like a lot of fun. You can literally do a flip from laughter up there.
  • Garrett: I’ll take your cue, sure. [Does a back flip and bows while "landing"]
  • Stephen That should be an Olympic event. Oh, nicely done. Nicely done. Sir, have you been on a space walk?
  • Garrett: Yes I have. Actually, when I first got here I went on a space walk and it was to install the new Japanese laboratory module and also the new robot we got from Canada. And that was by far and away the most exciting and also the most challenging moment in my whole mission so far.
  • Stephen: Now, you make a very good point. There are people of other nationalities on this “International” Space Station. There are Russians with you, correct?
  • Garrett: That’s correct. I have 2 Russian crew members – there both back on the other side of the space station, working away as we speak.
  • Stephen: Is there anyway to keep the race against the Russians going? Like, could you guys engage in a thumb war, or anything to just crush those Commies?
  • Garrett: Well, let’s see. I don’t know… somewhere… Our commander, Sergei, he’s got a pretty good grip so I don’t know if we’d do so well in that. And, as far as a basketball competition, I’m only about 5′5″, or actually 5′5″ now. I was even shorter before I launched. You grow a little bit in space.
  • Stephen: You grew a whole inch?
  • Garrett: That’s right. So far. I started out at just over 5′4″ and now I’m just over 5-5.
  • Stephen: Well, it’s good to hear that least something can make you grow an inch because I get e-mails promising that all the time and I don’t believe any of them.
  • Stephen: One of your duties up there, is you’re supposed to do crew-Earth observation. Which means that you’re supposed to photograph natural and human made changes on Earth. Are you over the United States right now?
  • Garrett: Actually, Stephen, it looks like we’re just off the coast of Georgia. When we started speaking we were a little bit West of Chicago. So we’re moving along, heading for Brazil.
  • Stephen: OK – can you see the colors of the states change like John King at CNN with his big board?
  • Garrett: Oh, yes. Whenever there’s a new primary it’s great to look out the window and see the results. It’s fantastic.
  • Stephen: Now, does the grand plan have to include a destination here? Is this all planning for an eventual leap to Mars?
  • Garrett: Yes it is, Stephen. We have on the drawing boards already and we’ve already started working on our replacement for the Space Shuttle and our new rocket is going to be able to take us first back to the moon within the next decade and then on to Mars and that’s ultimately what we’re all striving for.
  • Stephen: Well, as you know, you’re supposed to give your WristSTRONG bracelet to someone more famous than you. So, if you get to go on another space walk, would you just take it off and just shoot it at God for me? ‘Cause I would love to see him with that thing on his wrist.
  • Garrett: That would be the ultimate product placement. I’ll see what I can do. No promises.
  • Stephen: Mr. Reisman – thank you so much for joining us. I closing, if any aliens are listening in, I just want to say I am totally with you. And I welcome our Alien Puppet Masters. Hail Xenu!
  • Garrett: [pumping fist] I’ll make sure to tell them that you said that, Stephen. They won’t come looking for you. Don’t worry.
  • Stephen: Well, Sir. Have a safe trip home. Give our best to the other astronauts and cosmonauts in the space station with you. It’s an honor to speak to you, an American hero. Garrett Reisman.
• *This was a transcript of the interview from the TCR broadcast. Check out the comments on the live feed of this interview for more quotes*
• Nation, I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but gas is getting kind of pricey. It’s getting to the point where I can’t burn anyone in effigy anymore.
• Things are so bad, people have been driven to the point of madness, believing that they are the President and can pass laws abolishing gas taxes.
• And consumers, folks, are so angry at the gas companies that, for weeks now, the People of America’s Oil and Natural Gas Industry have been forced to run full page ads in newspapers all over the country… here’s one I saw today in today’s The USA Today. It asks, “Where does your gasoline dollar go?
• I actually thought that was a trick question because you cannot actually buy gas for a dollar.
• That is right nation. Oil is a zero profit business! I mean, they must have had a bake sale to pay for this ad.
• Yet, somehow, in 2007, Exxon Mobil made $1,300 a second. Thirteen hundred – yes, that’s a lot of money, but it is an unlucky number of hundreds.
• That means that, even though 100% of the gasoline prices are canceled out by costs, these companies are somehow able to wring mind bending revenue out of the their not-for-profit venture. I think that’s pretty impressive.
• So, the next time you get a request from the Red Cross or The Humane Society, you send them 1 dollar. It is up to them to get 40.6 Billion out of it.
• My guest tonight thinks the far Right has hijacked America. You, the dollar’s pretty weak right now. They should have just bought it.
• I go to parties to celebrate my joy!
• They [Time Magazine] had me on the list 2 years ago. If they me to show up at their damn party, they can spread a little ink around in the form of ‘Stephen Colbert.’
• i know we both enjoy talking about me, but you’re the guest.
• Right Is Wrong: How the Lunatic Fringe Hijacked America, Shredded the Constitution, and Made Us All Less Safe. (And What You Need To Know To End The Madness.)Why such a short title? You had some more room here at the bottom. You just should have gone “Ugh! Oooh! Gaaaaw! Bush, Bush, Bush Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush!
• The man [McCain] has been tortured himself, so he knows that it’s probably not that big a deal.
• • Arianna: You know what it’s like having John McCain endorse torture? It’s like having you become President of the Grizzly Bear Fan Club. That’s what it is…
  • Stephen: Madam. Madam. That is nothing to joke about!
• It sounds to me like you wrote an entire book that just says “Boo, hoo. It turns out that this person, who spent an entire life in politics, is a politician.
• • Arianna: It’s like Happy Days. He’s like Fonzie. He’s gone.
  • Stephen: [Putting up two thumbs] Wooa. One second there.
• When are you going to write your book about being disillusioned with Barack Obama? Because you and Reverend Wright sound very similar. Because Reverend Wright said that he was disillusioned with Barack Obama that Obama turned, had changed who he was; had said things that he didn’t mean.
• I have no problem with Rev. Wright. He gives great video. I love the man… [turning to camera] And you are welcome on my show, sir, anytime. You should really respond to these terrible things Obama’s said about you.
• • Arianna: He has such a passion for Iraq – that’s his Viagra.
  • Stephen: I guess the warning on that one should be, “If your erection lasts more than 100 years, pull out.”
• Oh, hi! Welcome back. Last fire before Memorial Day. After that, you’ve really got to crank up the AC to make it worth while.
• Nation, last week we lost a pioneer in the field of youth corruption. The Swiss Dr. Albert Hoffman, better known as the father of LSD, passed away at the age of 102. See! That’s what drugs do to you, kids.
• Ever since Dr. Hoffman’s passing, my staff has been joking that they are going to slip me a tab of acid – whatever that is. But so far they’ve only been able to slash my tires. Better luck next time, guys. And, in a gesture of goodwill, my interns have made me a sheet of tiny stamps featuring my likeness. Isn’t that nice?
• They’re so little, they must be for postcards. Either way, I’m going to pre-lick them now. Time wasted is money spent! [Stephen licks the back of the blotter]
• Well, that’s all the time… [Stephens focus changes... he starts watching trails when his hands move.]
• Whose hand is that? It’s attached to an arm. Oh, that’s my hand!
• Wow – that painting’s like a painting inside a painting inside a painting inside a painting. Oh my God! They’re all me. Oh my God! my name is everywhere in here. It’s in the rafters. It’s on the screen down there. It’s running along the bottom of the desk. Holy $%it! Even the desk is in the shape of a “C”.
• Why am I doing this? Why do I need this much validation? Where does this Stephen end and that Stephen begin? Which Stephen am I? Is this skin? Or a cage for my soul?
• • [Jimmy's voice]: Stephen, we need to wrap it up here.
  • Stephen: Yes, Stephen, we do.
  • [Jimmy's voice]: Say good night, Stephen.
  • Stephen: I just did.
• Woah – that fire looks fake. That fire is fake. Look at this. This is a fake fire. [climbing into the fire place] Look at this. Look at this. This is a fake fire. Look at that. Nothing happened to me.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit; Cream shirt with French cuffs; Brick red tie; Red WristSTRONG bracelet

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website

• Gas Dollar: According to an ad in the USA Today, the gas industry is a non-profit business.
• Arianna Huffington: Arianna Huffington tells Stephen that the Iraq war is John McCain’s Viagra.
• Albert Hoffman – RIP: Stephen remembers the Swiss scientist who discovered LSD.

• Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)
• Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)
• Episode 4067 (05/15/2008)
• Episode 4066 (5/14/08)