How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Limo, limo, limo! This is The Colbert Report!
License & Domination: “Tonight, Florida offers Christian license plates. They’ll look great with your Shroud of Turin mud flaps.”- Reverend Wright controversy
- Washington Times article discussion about McCain’s superstitions
The Wørd: Separation of Church & Plate ["Florida lawmakers debate offering a Christian license plate"]
Iransacked: “And take a look at the latest US weapon against Iran. Sadly, it’s not an army of knife-wielding ninja monkeys.”
- Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger
- Tip – Mattel, for finally finding the weapon that will destroy Iran [Barbie].
- Kwispeling un mijn vinger – Lasik critics
- Wag – Cuddle parties
Grace Under Fire: “Plus I sit down with author Ann Lamott, who has written a book about quiet patient faith. I’ll scream at her until she cracks.”
- Anne Lamott – Author, Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith
In closing: Join me tomorrow when my guest will be J.D. Salinger. Good night.
Video Highlight — Tip/Wag – Barbie
The Barbie doll is the perfect Trojan horse for sneaking our brand of freedom into Iran.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Additional video links and more after the fold!
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- That is so racist not to include Chinese marching bands! (“Gong! Give me some tea! I’d rove some tea!”)
- We will have more on the Reverend Wright controversy … as often as we can.
- Nation, I am sick and tired of all the jokes about John McCain’s age. The only thing older than a McCain is Old joke is John McCain. That guy is ancient!
- The only unlucky thing around John McCain is the person behind him at airport security.
- In addition he “won’t take a salt shaker from a passer’s hand,” also “won’t throw a hat on a bed.” A lot of people don’t know about that superstition. But it’s an old saying from McCain’s childhood – Throw a hat on the bed, woolly mammoth make you dead.
- McCain ’08 – The Luck Stops here. (“Hi Blacky!” HAHAHAH!)
- You know who else was born lucky? Vladimir Putin. With all that Polonium poisoning going around Russia, he hasn’t gotten sick once.
- We cannot allow a Church and State Gap gap!
- I cannot get enough religious imagery on my car, especially since the cops made me take down my Dashboard Jesus.
- How else are you supposed to declare your deepest values on the back of your car? ["Trucknutz"]
- Jewish drivers can have a plate with a Star of David, a Torah, and the phrase “Why is this car different from all other cars?” ["Tailpipe Circumcised"]
- Now Muslim drivers can have a star, and a crescent, and a minaret and not not NOT a cartoon of Mohammed. ["Blessings And Peace Be Upon His Name"]
- Scientologists can have a volcano, and the letters WWXD, “What Would Xenu Do?” ["Sue You?"]
- These license plates aren’t simply religious expression, they’re practical. For instance, you can change lanes to get away from Hindus and Buddhists. Because frankly, I don’t want to drive behind someone who believes in reincarnation or is trying to achieve nothingness. ["Nothingness Easy To Achieve In A Ford Fiesta"]
- Think about it – Barbie promotes obsession with body image and empty materialism, both core American values.
- And what’s stuffed in those atomic D-cups? The American dream.
- Good bye Barbie! (“Good Bye Stephen!”)
- Nation, I’ve loved lasers ever since I was clipped by one at a Pink Floyd laser light show and mysteriously developed a knowledge of conversational Dutch.
- Now, let’s review these so-called negative side effects [of Lasik]. Blurred vision? That sounds great. It would be like living in a Barbara Walters interview. I’m so beautiful!
- And dry eyes? Do you know what I would do for the ability to not cry? I would do so much. I wish someone would shoot me in the eye with lasers right now.
- Excuse me, but I know an orgy when I see one. You don’t pee on somebody’s leg and tell them it’s raining. Unless of course it’s in the context of a marriage and it’s what your minister has advised.
- You know why it’s a non-sexual event? Because you’re cowards. Look, I’m not condoning this, but if you’re going to get on the floor and cuddle with a bunch of strangers, it better get freaky fast. I’m talking Saddam and Gomorrah on all fours, stuff that would make Caligula blush. And I don’t want to hear about spooning. A real man needs a ladle.
- From the Anne Lamott interview:
- Anne: Patience is not my strong suit, it’s not like I’m good at this.
Stephen: You’re going to need some for this interview. - Stephen: Who is God’s West Coast representative, by the way? Because I’d love to book them.
- Anne: We do this thing in my Sunday School that you might have read called “Loved and Chosen”.
Stephen: That’s not a cuddle party, is it? - Anne: Even Dick Cheney will get into heaven.
Stephen: Oh, absolutely. He was supposed to go to Hell, but he’ll get a deferrment. - Anne: And that is my understanding, that you are loved, and that God maybe rolls his eyes and goes, “Ay ay ay” …
Stephen: Ay ay ay? God is Spanish now? First he’s a woman and now he’s an illegal immigrant?
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website
- Intro – 4/29/08 – Florida offers Christian license plates — They’ll look great with your Shroud of Turin mud flaps.
- Reverend Wright – Stephen is worried that the Reverend Wright controversy is behind Obama.
- He’s Very Superstitious – Stephen shows his support for McCain despite all of the Senator’s superstitions.
- The Word – Separation of Church & Plate – What unites us is our ability to come together as one people and say to one another “you’re not like me”.
- Anne Lamott – Anne Lamott tells Stephen that Dick Cheney is going to heaven.
I’m a nerd, I know, but I loved Stephen’s riff on the Carnegie Hall joke in the opening.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, Wikipedia has a nice, concise explanation in its Carnegie Hall entry:
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Stephen’s conversational Dutch isn’t that good: he said ‘kwispelen’, which is the more the kind of wagging dogs do with their tails. Shaking your finger wagging-like would be called ‘schudden’.
Furthermore, Stephen said it with what sounded like a German accent. ;)
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McCain ’08 The Luck Stops Here! LOL! LOL!
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Maybe the effect of the laser is wearing off? ;) I’ve been trying to find a way to translate ‘Tip of the hat, Wag of the finger’ as directly as possible, but the closest thing I can come up with for the first is ‘Ik neem mijn hoed voor u af’, which isn’t that close at all. (Translated to English, it’s ‘I take my hat off for you’). I’m also equally stuck with the ‘Wag of the finger’ part. (The dictionary gives ‘Een vermanende vinger’) Does anyone else know how to translate this without changing the entire sentence structure?
Anyhow, Stephen mentioned us! Or our language anyway. YAY! *Goes back to lurking*
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Question: Who in their right mind would want “Trucknutz”? I live in the south, where some guys love their trucks, but … wow. I’m at a loss for words over those.
Anyhoos…
I loved the bit with the superstitions. I was wondering what the ladder was doing there. But I’ll be you anything that Stephen believes in at least some theatrical superstitions. If you’ve ever worked in a theatre, things ALWAYS happen that make you wonder. Wikipedia has a pretty good page on the basic theatrical superstitions if anyone’s curious.
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Great Word last night! I’m really enjoying the fact that they seem to be doing it more often. Lisa happy. : )
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I got a kick out of the Caligula line and its vague allusion (in my mind) to the Smiths’ “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.” Yeah, I’m a lyrics geek from way back and as Stephen jokes, out of his targeted demographic. Oh well.
@AmandaIvy,
Stephen’s joke about Chinese matching bands: it appears he gets a kick from the thought of his fans drinking tea, then laughing it up and out. ;D
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“appears he gets a kick from the thought of his fans drinking tea,”
There’s an infamous very UN-PC “I ROVE TEA” bit from a while back, I think he was riffing on that as well.
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Jokes and kicks: I’m amazed how many times I fail to notice the use of repetitive parallelism until after my comment is published. It’s quite obvious that neither thesauri nor sharp thinking have been utilized. :)
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His orgy schpiel was also a sneaky reference to an old , old bit. It used to be on YouTube, from Colin Somebody’s show?
Colbert was offering to have a torrid, but illicit, affair with a college student; for *her* benefit, of course. lol So, it had to be on the QT, but also had to be *really* passionate; involving “acts that would get you thrown out of Bangkok.” ;D
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@ looped linear:
It was Colin Quinn’s show. (And I loved that bit — too funny.)
(Ha ha: my ReCAPTCHA words are “safe Requiem”)
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I just thought of a fun drinking game: every time Stephen recycles a joke or bit from his early years you take a drink. Extra credit (or ounces) for naming the source :)
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The only problems with vigwig’s game (at least in my case) are
1- I came in way too late in the game to recognize some of his older jokes, sadly, even if I’ve spend my fair share of time scouring The Internets.
2- I’m not old enough to drink. Lol.
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@ Amanda
1. You don’t need to scour anything but Colbert University – most of those old clips are all there.
2. You could drink cranberry/orange juice on the rocks w/ a splash of grenadine? :)
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I loved this episode from beginning to end. The Chinese band and tea joke had me LMAO and I especially enjoyed the segments about superstitions and cuddle parties.
I thought the interview was interesting too.
@Lisa,
I agree with you about the Word.
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@vigwig–
That is very true. Colbert U has most of the awesomeness. Unfortunately some of the videos and such are linked from YouTube and they’re not there anymore due to Viacom.
VIACOOOMMM!!!!! -shakes fist-
Specifically I was looking for his appearances on “Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn”. I remember my dad used to watch that show, but I was but a tween in those days and cared more about Barbie and boy bands than current issues and comedians (unfortunately).
I could do the cranberry/orange juice with a splash of grenadine. That actually sounds yummy! Especially since I don’t even like the taste of alcohol. (Though I have to admit, my potent Irish heritage and my dislike of alcohol is quite comical.)
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Augh, it’s true – both of the “Tough Crowd”s we used to link to at CU are gone, including the one vigwig mentioned. Sigh!
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@ Ms Interpreted: Thanks for explaining the limo joke. I felt that I failed as an it-getter.
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Was J.D. Salinger really a potential guest at some point? I didn’t get that it might not have been true when he mentioned it at the end. :)
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