Episode 4056 (04/28/2008)

“A great man once said, ‘This is the Colbert Report’. Wait, that was me! This is The Colbert Report!“

GM Used Corn and I Don’t Care: “Tonight, ethanol solves the energy crisis! Is there any problem alcohol can’t solve?”

• The Miley Cyrus/Annie Leibovitz kerfuffle
• Howard Dean and “Electability”
• Climate change and ethanol

The WØRD: Kernel of Truth

He Shouts He Scores: “Plus, I’ll explore the world of sports. Don’t worry, no hockey.”

• Sport Report: Timbersports

The Feist and the Furious: “And, my guest tonight is Feist! For anyone over 50, Nightline is also on.”

• Leslie Feist: singer/songwriter/”indie rocker”, The Reminder

In closing: [Feist performs "I Feel It All"] The album is “The Reminder”; Leslie Feist. Good night, everybody!

Video Highlight — Feist: Steve Jobs offered Feist U.S. citizenship as part of the deal for doing the iPod commercial.

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Additional video links and more after the fold!


NOTABLE MOMENTS

• I am afraid I am just heartsick tonight over the news that Hannah Montana, the Disney Channel megastar Miley Cyrus, will be in the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair magazine in a series of revealing photos taken by Annie Leibovitz. Disney is upset, the fans are upset. Now Miley is telling her side of the story, saying, “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be artistic and now … I feel so embarrassed …” adding, ” … you can’t say no to Annie.”
• How many more stars need to get manipulated by Ms. Leibovitz before she is stopped? She forced the Blues Brothers to look like Smurfs, and look what she forced Whoopi Goldberg to do! Which, in turn, has forced me to lose the ability to keep down my cereal.
• I just want to talk to Miley for a second, superstar to superstar. Miley? Trust me. This will all blow over. I can sympathize. I, too, was victimized by a world famous photographer, Anne Geddes. [Scary Photoshop of Stephen in the midst of lilies, etc.] Shame on you, Anne Geddes!
• That was *almost* as traumatic as my Robert Mapplethorpe Christmas card. You will not believe where he put those jingle bells …
• Nation, there’s so much bad news nowadays, the economy, the food shortage, terrorists escaping from Guantanamo Bay — and then getting movie deals, What is happening to the world?
• But there is some good news out there, when it comes to ending the fierce Clinton-Obama primary rivalry, Democratic National Committe Chairman Howard Dean is finally showing some sack. Listen to what Dean told the Finanacial Times about who the superdelegates will choose for the party’s nominee: “I do not think in the long run it will come down to the popular vote …”
• Exactly! Popular vote is a stupid way to settle an election! Just ask … President of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe. He’s on your side, Howard!
• So how does Dean think Democratic superdelegates *should* decide this fight? Well, here’s what he told Tim Russert yesterday. [Clip of Dean saying he believes superdelegates should vote for whomever can beat John McCain.]
• Howard Dean is talking about something called “electability”. Now, just what does that word “electability” mean? Well, Dean’s not the only one talking about it; this is from CBS News: “[V]oters have expressed a preference for electability and experience over passion and empathy, allowing Kerry to easily outpace …” I’m sorry, that’s about Democrats choosing John Kerry over Howard Dean in 2004. Ummm … [Stephen follows with similar stories about John Kerry from 2004 in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and CNN]
• Wow. I had no idea John Kerry was so “electable” in 2004. I guess I was confused by him not getting elected. Well, whatever “electability” means, we know the candidates have got to have it or else they will turn out like this clown [image of Howard Dean]. Who, on the other hand, clearly knows how the Democrats can win this one.
• I’m becoming increasingly concerned about climate change. And not only because it means that we may run out of ice floes for our elderly.
• No, you see, I’m concerned because people won’t shut up about it. I don’t understand! We solved the energy crisis; the answer was ethanol. CORN + MAGIC = GASOLINE.
• But, folks, leave it to the British to rain on our petrol-parade. A recent article by the Royal Society of Chemistry … blasted ethanol, claiming that the land “equivalent to 30 football pitches [is] needed for one biofuel[ed] flight [from London] to New York”. Let me say that in English: the fuel for one transatlantic flight would requre a year’s worth of corn from thirty soccer fields. Now the Royal Society calls this an ” … extremely inefficient process …”; it is very efficient. You get to fly across the Atlantic AND destroy soccer at the same time!
• Which brings us to tonight’s WØRD [Kernel of Truth]. Now, last September, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice told a global conference that nations must to fight climate change like they fight terrorism. That means we’re at war, folks!
• And we know from the Bush Administration that when there is a war, the American people are called upon to not sacrifice [Shop Till Our Enemies Drop].
• One of the best ways for us to not sacrifice is with ethanol, because ethanol makes us feel like the energy crisis has been solved and allows us to keep living the way we always have. In our cars. [Clip of a commercial extolling the supposed virtues of ethanol] If they put it in a commercial it has to be true! [So Beautiful Local Girls Are Waiting For My Call?]
• You see, folks, the great thing about ethanol is not only do we not have to sacrifice, neither do the oil companies, because to get 100 gallons of ethanol, you have to burn 129 gallons of fossil fuel [Cornhole In The Ozone].
• So, we can break our addiction to fossil fuels without having to break our dependence on fossil fuels [Have Your Cake & Eat Oil Too].
• Some claim saving the planet will take more than Americans changing from high octane to creamed corn [Corn On The Saab].
• People like Jared Diamond, who recently pointed out that the rates of consumption of fuel and production of waste ” … are about 32 times higher in North America … than they are in the developing world.” We’re winning! [And Soon, Swimming]
• Now, admittedly, there is no reason to run up the scorecard *that* high. But luckily, our candidates have bold solutions to America’s massive consumption. [Clip of Hillary and Barack talking about switching to energy efficient light bulbs] Light bulbs! It may seem like a small weapon in this war, but few Americans remember how switching from 1% to 2% milk helped defeat the Nazis [Skim Lost Us Vietnam].
• The Democrats proposals’ are inspiringly modest, but nothing next to Sen. McCain’s plan for conserving energy. [Clip of McCain proposing a suspension of all gas taxes between Memorial Day and Labor Day.] He is calling for the ultimate sacrifice: sacrificing the idea of sacrifice. It will be tough, but we might have to not do it [Never Was So Little Asked Of So Many By So Few].
• After all, folks, this is war. To win, we might have to conserve the most important energy: our own [Think Globally, Nap Locally]. Because when nothing feels like you’re doing something, you can’t get more energy efficient than that. And that’s The WØRD.
• Shave off your body hair and get in the sweat box, this is the Spor(t) Repor(t)!
• The 2008 NFL draft happened over the weekend, folks; lot of big stories in this year’s draft. Like ESPN beating their own record for the amount of information on a single screen.
• But there is a draft I am more excited about; it is the acrid draft of kerosene and sawdust coming off of chainsaws. I’m talking about the Stihl TimberSports Championship. Yes! Everybody loves lumberjacks.
• Last year, the title was taken by Dave Bolstad who defeated 2006 champion Jason Wynyard in a sudden death “saw off”. It’s extra-exciting, because with that many chainsaws? Sudden death is actually a possibility.
• My only problem with Bolstad and Wynyard: they’re both from New Zealand. These woodchoppers from “Diet Australia” have stolen America’s lumberjack title!
• ‘Course, the damn Kiwis have an advantage chopping trees; they get all that training fighting off those Ents.
• Nation, Timbersports is about destroying natural resources. And I, for one, am not gonna sit back and watch a bunch of foreigners out-rape our forests!
• My guest tonight is the indie singer-songwriter behind such hits as “1-2-3-4“. I discovered her at a little out-of-the-way-club I call “an iPod commercial”. Please welcome Feist!
• Now, you are known for very intimate, poetic songs, so I am going to try to tear you apart in the most intimate, poetic way I can tonight.
• Before I do that, I want to thank you for something that you sent me … you sent me this. This is the oufit from that “1-2-3-4″ video. [Feist, laughing: Yeah, that's right.] You weren’t able to come on this show back earlier this winter, and as an “I’m sorry”, you sent me this, and I want to thank you. I want to encourage more of my guests to send me presents.
• Feist: It was actually … it was actually because you were campaigning. And I was going to offer “1-2-3-4″ to be a campaign theme song for you.
• Stephen: [delighted] Oh, get out!
• Feist: Yeah, and I thought that this might, that the spangliness would help your cause, so –
• Stephen: Well then *I’d* be the most electable candidate right now! Oh, that’s crazy! I think I’d actually look kind of good in that.
• Now, you’re thought of as … they call you an “indie rocker”. What does that — what does that mean? I don’t — what is that … You don’t seem to have any flannel on, and your hygiene seems respectable. What is an “indie rocker”?
• Feist: Well, it’s so sewn up right in my DNA that it’s hard to identify at this point.
• Stephen: Well, what’s the opposite? Maybe we can identify it by what you’re not … Are you an arena rocker? Do you have flash pots at your concerts?
• Feist: You know, I have a tour manager who always warns ahead when we want to light a birthday sparkler that we want to light some “pyrotechnics” …
• Stephen: So your idea of flames and flash pots is a single sparkler.
• Feist: Yeah, a sparkler –
• Stephen: I think we’ve discovered what “indie rock” is.
• Feist: Yeah, we have shadow puppets, and –.
• Stephen: Really? And you’re Canadian?
• Feist: Both of those things are true. I actually hold a U.S. passport, as well; I am a dual citizen.
• Stephen: Really?
• Feist: A citizen of the world.
• Stephen: So, you swing both ways. [Feist: laughing] … How did you get both of those? Because, you know, we’re at war, madame; pick a side.
• Feist: It was part of the iPod deal. They offered me citizenship; that was part of it.
• Stephen: [laughing] Really? Steve Jobs was able to do that for you?
• Feist: [laughing] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• Stephen: That guy’s got some power.
• You said there’s a difference between talking to someone and shouting at someone … what do you mean by that?
• Feist: Well, I mean, the difference would be … audible –
• Stephen: Yeah, but you don’t want to make it sound like talking is superior to shouting –
• Feist: Well, it all depends on the context.
• Stephen: … When shouting is clearly better because it’s louder.
• Feist: Well, you know, pillow talk, the –
• Stephen: Have you never shouted “I love you” at someone, after making love?
• Feist: [laughing]
• Stephen: Just try it; just sidle up to your loved one and go, [shouts] “I LOVE YOU!!”
• Feist: I’m — I’ll give it a try.
• Stephen: They will *twitch* with joy.
• By the way, I’ve gone through the whole interview and not asked the most important question. Do I call you ‘Feist’, ‘Miss Feist’ or ‘Leslie’?
• Feist: As long as you call me, Stephen Colbert, you can call me anything you want.
• Stephen: [looks square into the camera, gives an impish grin, adusts his tie]

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, white dress shirt (white on white stripes) with two-button barrel cuffs. Diagonally striped tie of varying shades of red. WristSTRONG bracelet. Later: Feist’s sequined blue sleeveless pantsuit.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website

• Intro 4/28/08: Ethanol solves the energy crisis. Is there any problem alcohol can’t solve?
• Miley Cyrus Photo Shoot: How many more stars need to get manipulated before Annie Leibovitz is stopped?
• Electability: Howard Dean knows exactly what it takes to get elected to be President.
• The WØRD – Kernel of Truth: To win the energy war, we have to conserve the most important energy — our own.
• Sport Report – Timbersports: Stephen demands that it is time for America to take Timbersports back!
• Feist – I Feel It All: Feist performs an acoustic version of “I Feel It All.”