First Segment:

• Senator Hillary Clinton saves the day and fixes Stephen’s giant projector screen.

Second Segment:

• Desk Guest: Congressman Patrick Murphy
• Guest Plug: ‘Taking The Hill: From Philly to Baghdad to the United States Congress‘

Third Segment:

• John Edwards delivers the EdWØRD: Valued Voters

In closing: Senator Barack Obama chats with Stephen via satellite (see the Notable Moments below the cut)

• I wanna thank Ben Franklin! Barack Obama! Hilary Clinton! I want to thank the good people at Doritos! I want to thank you, Pennsylvania! We’ve told you how to think, now go vote! Good night everybody!

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NOTABLE MOMENTS, Video links, and more after the fold!

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Sir, what do you have there, Ben?
• Franklin: I have invented the most wondrous machine, the purpose of which is to brown bread to a crisp!
• Stephen: We – we already have it, Ben. It’s called a toaster.
• Franklin: Ohh, I wasted my whole life!
• What happened? Jimmy? Jimmy, the rear projector just went down – the screen’s down, Jimmy, where’s my Liberty Bell?
• Jimmy: Sorry Stephen, it’s just technical difficulties. We’re not used to this studio.
• Stephen: Well get the technicians out here to figure it out!
• Jimmy: Ah, sorry, I can’t do that – the technicians are back in New York.
• Stephen: Are you telling me there is no one in this theater who can fix the mess we’re in?!
• *Hillary Clinton steps out onto the stage* I can! I can, Stephen!
• Senator, thank you so much! Thank you, Senator!
• Hillary: Let me handle this. Jimmy?
• Jimmy: Yes, Senator Clinton?
• Hillary: About the screen. How are you feeding it? Through the router or the ox-bus on the switcher?
• Jimmy: Ahh . . . the nox.
• Hillary: Okay, try toggling the input.
• Jimmy: Oookay . . . *The screen blares to life again*
• Stephen: Holy cow!
• Hillary: You know what, Stephen, your forehead is a little shiny. Makeup? Makeup, powder, please. *Makeup woman comes out to powder Stephen’s forehead*
• Stephen: Wow, Senator Clinton – you’re so prepared for any situation! I, uh, I don’t know – I just don’t know how to thank you enough!
• Hillary: That’s okay, Stephen, I just love solving problems. Call me anytime.
• Stephen: Really?
• Hillary: Sure. Call me at three AM! *Exits the stage*
• Stephen: Wow! I am gonna call her at three AM. I’m sure she left her cell phone number.
• It was the most exciting verbal sparring held in Philadelphia since Ben Franklin haggled with an 18th-century pimp.
• He followed up with the equally pressing question, ‘Could God create a rock so heavy that He Himself could not know you are a secret Muslim?’
• I’m sorry, Senator, I can’t hear you over the sound of you not wearing a flag pin. It’s deafening.
• Who you can be linked to is obvious. Consider this. Senator Obama has been endorsed by Ted Kennedy. Ted Kennedy is a Catholic. Catholics are led by the Pope, the Pope was a Nazi youth, ergo, Barack Obama loves Hitler. Check… mate.
• First of all, obviously, thank you for your service, second, I don’t want you to think that just because you have served and fought in Iraq, you have a better idea of what should happen there than me. Okay? That is elitist thinking.
• But it seems to me that you’re much more like Hillary Clinton. You volunteered to go to war, and she volunteered to vote to send you to war. And both of you think the war is now a mistake, correct?
• Murphy: Well, I’m a fan of Senator Clinton, I think she’s a very capable woman.
• Stephen: She’s extremely capable – she fixed my screen.
• Murphy: That’s right. But I’m telling ya, I believe Barack Obama is a once-in-a-generation leader, Stephen.
• But the surge is working. Surge! Is! Working! Those are three positive words. Surge is working!
• How long do you think the troops should stay in Iraq? A hundred years, or a thousand years?
• Murphy: I really believe that Barack Obama has it right – call for a 16-month timeline and a phased redeployment to bring our troops home and it’ll send the message, Stephen, it’ll send the message to the Iraqi government that they can’t take any more summer vacations. Actions speak louder than words, get them off the sidelines, and start bringing our troops home.
• Now, this hotly contested primary season is drawing to a close, and Clinton and Obama have wooed many different voting blocks. From the coveted ‘pretty actresses who pretend to be ugly’ demographic, to the all-important ‘most powerful person in the universe‘ vote. But it looks like the final choice will be made by one group. *Clips of media persons saying, ‘white males’*
• Finally, America’s white men are being heard. And the candidates are attempting to address the issues important to the male Caucasian demographic. Issues like drinking, bowling, and napping.
• But who, who can really speak to them? Barack Obama got a lock on the African-American votes and the young; Hillary Clinton has carved out her niche with older working-class women; but there is no one who truly speaks to the male, white, working-class voter. There was John Edwards, but let’s face it, he’s out of the race. Politically, he is no longer a factor to be reckoned with.
• *John Edwards steps out onto stage* I beg to differ, Stephen. And that brings us to tonight’s EdWØRD. Valued Voter. [Valued Voter]
• You know Stephen, you’re right about white males playing an important role in this election. Their votes are being courted as a demographic tiebreaker between these two tough candidates, and no white male’s vote is being courted more vigorously than this one. [No Offense, Al Gore]
• It is no secret that both campaigns have sought my support. So far, I haven’t decided which of these excellent candidates I’m going to endorse. On the one hand, I don’t want to be seen as anti-hope. On the other hand, I don’t want James Carville to bite me. [Carville Hasn't Had Shots]
• So who, who am I going to vote for in the next-to-last primary, North Carolina? Well, I’ll support whoever presents a platform that’s consistent with my values. [Universal Haircare]
• And I’ll support the candidate who’ll raise the federal minimum wage. Somebody who’ll fight for the 37 million Americans who wake up in poverty every day. Somebody who’ll protect the interests of working families. Also, I’d like a Jetski. They are so much fun. But I don’t really care which kind. [Kawasaki 800 SXR]
• But those, those are pretty sweet. You know, Elizabeth and I love to go to the lake house in the summer, and it would sure be fun to go jet-skiing together. So I guess we’ll actually need two Jetskis. Which reminds me, there are two Americas. One America that does the work and another that reaps the rewards. [And A Third One That Gets Rich Suing The Second On Behalf Of The First]
• Hey, hey! [Sorry, Had To Do It]
• I understand, I understand what working folks go through. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but my father was a mill worker. [1,000,000th Mention]
• So you know what, let’s get him a Jetski. Now before anybody starts going out there sayin’ all John Edwards cares about are Jetskis – that is not true, I am deeply concerned about the lack of affortable healthcare in this country. The fact that we need to insure every single man, woman, and child in America goes without saying. [Especially By McCain]
• But what does need to be said is that I will only support the candidate who promises to make me a spy. That would be so cool. I’d get to have all those high-tech gadgets. [Pen That Launches Child-Care Tax Credits]
• I want to go on at least one mission a month. And it should be someplace awesome, like Prague or a moonbase. Although, I’m willing to settle for Tahiti or the Riviera – anywhere there’s a chance for a Jetski chase. But America should never settle for allowing so many to live in economic hardship. If we put our minds to it, we can end poverty within thirty years. [Bush Ended Middle Class In 8]
• I want my grandkids to be born in a world where true economic equality is no longer a goal for the future, but a reality of the present. [Grandkids Born in "Second Life"]
• Oh – and I want my face on money. Secret Service protection for my dogs, and three new national holidays. Cate Day, Jack Day, and Emma Claire Day. Okay kids, you can go to bed now. [Or Else Daddy Won't Get You A Jet Ski.]
• So Barack, Hillary, if you want this white male vote, you’re going to have to show that you care just as much about the things that really matter to me as I do. [*Image of Jet Skis*]
• And that is the EdWØRD.
• Well folks, that is it for the Report this week. I only wish Senator Obama could have joined us.
• *Barack Obama appears on the big screen* So am I, Stephen.
• Stephen: Senator Obama! Won’t Senator Clinton be happy she fixed our screen.
• Obama: I’m sure she will, Stephen, I’m sure she will.
• Stephen: Now, I enjoyed the debate last night, sir, though I have to take issue with you calling some of the questions ‘manufactured political distractions.’
• Obama: Well, Stephen, I think the American people are tired of these games and petty distractions.
• Stephen: Well sir, speaking for the news media, sir, speaking for the news media, I can tell you, we are not tired of it. It allows us to ask the same questions over and over again, and we don’t do any more work.
• Obama: Stephen, these distractions, they won’t help fix our economy. They won’t help people get health care. They won’t help us get out of Iraq. Stephen, I would go so far as to say I want to put these political distractions On Notice.
• Stephen: What?
• Obama: Boys, bring out the On Notice Board.
• Stephen: What? *Out comes the On Notice board!* Uh – Senator, I have to warn you, I probably don’t have a card for distractions. Let me check here, uh, let’s see, I’ve got Dimetapp, Dionne Warwick, Deion Sanders, Dion, comma, Celine, Dirigibles… well, what do you know, distractions. I actually have that. Well, okay, Senator, something’s gonna have to come off, what should I remove?
• Obama: Well, it can’t be grizzly bears – they are the Number One threat to America.
• Stephen: Good man!
• Obama: So I think we should take off James Brady . He’s a good guy.
• Stephen: All right, all right, all right. All right Brady, this is your lucky day. Okay, here we go. Distractions, I hope you’re paying attention. WHAM! How’s that taste?
• Obama: Manufactured political distractions, you are officially On Notice!
• Stephen: Thank you Senator Obama! And thank you Philadelphia!

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, off-white shirt with French cuffs, Yellow square-patterned tie, Red WristSTRONG bracelet.

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John Edwards: In considering who gets his vote, John Edwards is concerned about more than receiving several jet skis for his family — he’d also like to be a spy.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website

• Ben Franklin’s Latest Invention: Stephen checks in with Philadelphia’s favorite son, Benjamin Franklin, who can’t wait to demonstrate his latest bread-browning invention.
• Hillary Clinton: Senator Hillary Clinton gets to the bottom of Stephen’s technical problems and recommends toggling the input.
• Clinton vs. Obama Philadelphia Debate Review: Stephen believes that ABC did a great job with the one-on-one Clinton vs. Obama Democratic debate, and so does ABC.
• Interview – Patrick Murphy: Congressman Patrick Murphy discusses the Bush administration’s fear-mongering tactics for keeping troops in Iraq.
• Barack Obama: Senator Barack Obama believes that the American people are tired of petty distractions.

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