Episode 4050 (4/16/2008)

Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders: “Give us a ‘T’.” ["T"] Give us an ‘R’. ["R"] Give us a ‘U’. ["U"] Give us a ‘T’. ["T"] Give us an ‘H’. ["H"] “What does that spell?” ["TRUTH"]
Stephen: “I knew it! This is The Colbert Report!“

First Segment:

• The Pope is in America!
• Democralypse Now: The Delightful Dismemberment of the Democratic Hopescape.
• McCain’s campaign is just ducky.

Second Segment:

• Stephen visits the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia.

Third Segment:

• Ed Rendell, Governor of the Great State Of Pennsylvania

In closing:

• Stephen: Before we go – Ben, is there anything you’d like to add?
• Ben: Stephen, I’m the newest Eagles cheerleader. E! A! G! L! E! S! Eagles!
• Stephen: Congratulations, Ben. I cannot wait to see you in those short-shorts.

NOTABLE MOMENTS, Video links, and more after the fold!

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Ladies and gentlemen! The Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders!” Thank you ladies. Lovely. What a… what a lovely view.
• In the interest of being fair and balanced, I think that Cindy McCain would also make an excellent Jackie-O. [Photo of Cindy McCain in pink Channel dress with pill box hat and pearls.] And, so would Bill Clinton. [Photo of President Clinton in the same outfit.] As long as Channel comes in plus size.
• • Stephen: Ben, your famous for your sayings, for your aphorisms. Hit me with a proverb.
  • Benjamin Franklin: Men and Melons are hard to know.
  • Stephen: I guess melons were a bigger deal back in your day.
• I for one think they [Clinton and Obama] are both qualified… to destroy the democratic party. Dream Ticket!
• Christmas came early this year, and it’s wearing a giant hat… Pope Benedict is in America!
• He Hath Done It!
• Here he is being greeted by President Bush – the leaders of the 2 greatest theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They are both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget: one was a cheerleader, the other – Nazi youth. It’s a fine line.
• I’ve been looking forward to the Pope’s arrival ever since I read about it in Pontiff Beat magazine. Great articles this month: “Yes, Girls, He’s Single”, “Five Tips to Drive Your Confessor Crazy”, and I also took the “Which Pope Are You?” quiz. Turns out I’m a Pope Boniface VI. Twice defrocked. Total flirt.
• I’m so excited right now. I really can’t hide it anymore. I’m ‘Poping’ a chubby. And, the best part of all… [Stephen crosses himself] he’s here for his birthday, so everybody join in:
• Falicem Natalem Diem. Falicem Natalem Diem. O Care Popa Benedictus Sextus Decimus. Falicem Natalem Diem. E pluri mas!
• The Pope’s 81’st birthday and just look at that youthful glow! Teens – this is what you get for a lifetime of abstinence.
• • Stephen: Ben, how did you and your enlightened deist friends feel about the Pope back in your day.
  • Ben Franklin: Well, as ambassador to France, I had intimate dealings with many Catholics.
  • Stephen: You’re talking about French whores, aren’t you?
• That man is the Founding Father of only one country… that he knows of.
• There was a huge Democratic debate tonight – it was like ultimate fighting, but with more pantsuits.
• Shameless! Scoring political points by showing footage of Hillary being booed for scoring political points using comments Obama made to score political points. Who does he hope he is?
• I personally can’t believe that Springsteen is backing Obama. If Americans start hoping, what will he write his songs about?
• As the The USA Today says, The Boss has, quote, “The ultimate in working-clas cred.” Although the bulk of his ‘cred’ is stored in the cred-vault of his 12,000 square-foot mansion. I believe he lives in “Shady Cred Acres”. It’s a gated community.
• Meanwhile, in the McCain campaign [introductory bars to "It's Not Unusual" playing in loop"] things are just ducky. [Stephen dancing in his chair to the song.]
• If I could just defend him here for a moment, McCain was alive before the Sunni – Shi’ite split of 832. And it’s hard to learn new names. In a rare show of restraint, the Associated Press did not ask him about this when he appeared at their annual meeting. Instead, they presented the Senator with “a coffee with cream and sugar and several Dunkin Donuts – with sprinkles. ‘My Favorite!’ he said.”
• Actually, he got them with sprinkles, but he requested them with Shi’ites.
• Clearly, Philly’s just as excited to have me here!
• I’ve walked the streets, met the colorful citizen, and fingered the crack of Freedom.
• The Declaration was in the morning and the Constitution was, like, after lunch?
• Editor’s Note: Stephen is incorrigible. This docent doesn’t stand a chance.
• These are all hollow. And the bones of the Founding Fathers are inside these? Are these sarcophaguses? I’m sorry, sarcophagi. [Nope...] sarcopha’gus?
• How many of the Founding Fathers were pirates? He has a peg leg which, as far as I know, is a sure sign of a pirate. Did you decide not to put the parrot up here.
• • Stephen: Who are the Democrats. Who are the Republicans?
  • Tom: Fascinating question…
  • Stephen: Thank you very much. [immediately walks away.]
• *Stephen slips “I Am America (And So Can You)” into the “Founders’ Library”*
• *Stephen undressing to put on Supreme Court robes*
• You couldn’t have gotten a better looking feminist? Gloria Steinem – have you seen some of the pictures of her when she was younger? Hello! Fantastic. I made out with her once.
• She was sponsored by Red Lobster?
• Looks like DNA of books – the building blocks of boring.
• *Stephen trying to force his book into the “DNA of Books”.
• *Stephen runs through a “gauntlet” of Eagles cheerleaders to interview Governor Rendel*
• Gov. Rendell: For a Governor of a state that abuts New York and New Jersey, that could have been a career ender for me.
• How big of voting block are the bitter people of Pennsylvania? Or, are the even too bitter to vote?
• I grew up hunting. My dad would take me hunting. I almost blew his head off. One time.
• I do think there is a place to talk about gun rights, and to talk about religion in politics, because you can talk about those two things and play on people’s fear that their guns will be taken away and play on people’s fear that your opponent might be a secret Muslim. Those are 2 very effective ways. And then people will cling to their guns to protect themselves from the secret Muslims.
• Welcome to the Ninth Circle!
• • Gov. Rendell: For 6 weeks, we’ve been the epicenter of all this worthless media attention.
  • Stephen: I beg your pardon, Sir. This is not worthless media attention. This is ridiculous media attention.
  • Gov. Rendell: The only good thing about it is it’s been a huge economic boon to the State because of the media’s bar bills.
  • Stephen: I certainly know that my staff has helped out with that.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website

• Intro – 04/16/08: The Philadelphia Eagles Cheerleaders help Stephen do some spelling.
• Pope’s Birthday: Stephen is so excited about the Pope’s Birthday he leads the audience in a sing-a-long.
• Democralypse Now – The Boss: Bruce Springsteen endorses Obama — But if Americans start hoping, what will he write his songs about?
• National Constitution Center: Stephen leaves his mark on the National Constitution Center.
• Interview – Gov. Ed Rendell: Stephen finds out from Gov. Ed Rendell that Pennsylvania is both bitter and sweat.
• Ben’s Good News: Ben Franklin joins the Eagles Cheerleaders.

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Categories : The Colbert Report


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