Episode 4046 (04/09/2008)

“There are eight million stories in the Naked City; most would look better with their clothes on. This is The Colbert Report!”

Cash and Caring: Tonight – Democrats have raised record amounts of money. I guess hydroponic grow lights are very expensive.

• The Olympic Torch
• The Democratic Primary and experience.

The Wørd: Starter Country

Live and Don’t Die: Plus, I’ll have tips for living longer. And, failing that, tips for hiding your age with surgery.

• Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.: longevity, sexual health, and surgery.

Penny Whys: And my guest Jeff Gore wants to retire the penny. I’ll demand a nickel for his thoughts.

• Jeff Gore, founder – Citizens for Retiring the Penny

In closing: That’s it for ‘The Report’. Good night, everybody.

• I have never been a big fan of Buddhist monks. Fist, I look terrible in saffron. And second, non-violence creeps me out.
• Now they are attacking the Olympic Torch – the international symbol of brotherhood, sportsmanship, and doping.
• Personally, I find an attack on a torch hypocritical in a city known for some pretty flaming parades.
• All China wants to do is equate the beauty and goodwill of the torch with the beauty and goodwill of their totalitarian regime. These monks are ruining it for them – that hurts.
• I personally agree with Rose Pak, general consultant to the Chinese Chamber of Commerce who said of Tibet supporters, quote, “You do your thing and we do our thing. Why is it you have to disrupt our celebration, when none of us went and disrupted their celebration?“
• Good point – the Tibetan celebration of Occupation by China has been uninterrupted for 57 festive years.
• I think it proves that it [the torch] is more of a victim than the protesters in Tibet – it is certainly getting more protection than they are.
• I have some advice for the Olympic flame, itself. Fire – you have a lot of enemies. So when you check into a hotel, make sure to register under an assumed name, something no one would suspect. Like Earth or Wind. If those San Francisco nut-jobs push you too far, set the damn hotel on fire. We know that city burns.
• Too soon? Is it too soon to joke about the San Francisco fire? I didn’t know we had centegenarians in the office tonight.
• We all know John McCain is experienced – he witnessed the formation of the Grand Canyon. And so is Hillary Clinton. She lived in the White House for 8 years. She’ll know from day 1 which of the doors kind of sticks when it’s humid.
• You cannot get experience working in the Illinois legislature. Ask Abraham Lincoln. He only got elected because his face was on the penny.
• There’s only one man who has the experience to run this country in a time of war… [photo of George W. Bush]… why are you leaving? Why start following the Constitution now? Not fair!
• The Democrats have proven one thing – they can raise some cash.
• So far Obama has raised 234 million dollars. [Almost 1% of Bear Stearns Bail Out]
• Meanwhile, Hillary has raised more than 175 million dollars. Well done, women over 60! All those $5 bills in birthday cards really added up!
• Both sides say that raising all this cash proves that they’ve got what it takes to manage something big. All it really proves is that in this election the Democratic party has more money than the G.D.P. of a small island nation. [Also More Drunk College Kids]
• So, why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone and use that campaign cash and just buy a small country. Then, they can get on the job executive experience where it doesn’t matter if they screw up. Plus, real estate is a great investment. [Except in U.S.]
• I am talking, of course, about something modest. For 234 million, Barack could buy Turks and Caicos. The timing could not be better. Right now Turks and Caicos is developing a national health insurance program. This is Obama’s chance to prove that his health insurance plan really does cover everyone. It shouldn’t be hard – only 21,000 people live there. I think my staff health care plan covers more than that. [It Doesn't]
• On the other hand, of 175 million, Hillary Clinton can afford to buy the Pacific island of Palau. Unfortunately for her, there is no drive for socialized medicine on Palau. I think they pay for their care the old fashioned way, by throwing a virgin into the volcano. [Offended Palauans, Send Complaints to: Sumner Redstone, President Viacom, Hollywood, CA]
• Hillary is the perfect person to help Palau fight the growing problem of illegal dynamite fishing where fishermen throw a bunch of bombs in the water and hope for something dead to float up. [Clinton Campaign Strategy]
• The point is, either Clinton or Obama will prove themselves to be the better executive and become the Democratic nominee. But, if you’re still not convinced that experience with some other country is the best judge of leadership, look at how it worked for George W. Bush. He based his whole Presidency on buying Iraq. [You Break It, You Bought It] and it only cost us $509-billion, 709-million,353, ’54, ’55…. I’m sorry. It keeps changing.
• For that money, we could afford Croatia, Luxemburg, Slovenia, Serbia, Bulgaria, Lichtenstein, Libia, Tunisia, Cyprus, Jordon, and half of Lebanon. No – the nice half.
• Senator Clinton, Senator Obama, prove to the voters that you’re ready to run a country. Just not this one.
• The other day I noticed a pulpy, fleshy growth in my mouth and I rushed to the doctor. Turns out it was my tongue.
• A quick disclaimer – I am not a medical doctor. I have an honorary doctorate in Fine Arts. Which means I am allowed to perform surgery on paintings.
• As always, Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. “Health and Wellness, straight from the Earth.” Specifically, landfills.
• Recently, Barbara Walters presented a special report “Live to be 100 [sic] – Can You Do It?” Apparently she can, thanks to a controversial anti-aging technology known as “soft focus”.
• That’s easy for people to say – for a Highlander.
• That sounds wonderful – a thousand years of playing the Pine Cone Inn.
• I say the best way to eternal life is with Prescott Pharmaceutical’s Vaxogenic Chambers. When you go in, make sure to bring an open box of baking soda. Side effects may include lung-fire, eye-curdling, and abdominal migration.
• Peabody Award.
• A survey of sex therapists found that the optimal duration for sexual intercourse is 3 to 13 minutes. This is ridiculous. Everyone knows it takes 3 hours to satisfy your lady. First hour and a half is spent trying to put on the condom. You have to gnaw open the wrapper, and then you have to slide it over a banana like they show you in health class. Then the hard part – you’ve got to put it on with the banana still in there. Gotta be a better way.
• After that, 45 minutes of praying for forgiveness for what you are about to do. At the end of your prayers, throw in something distracting like asking Jesus to solve a complex math problem so he won’t be paying attention when you are doing it.
• Then you will need the remaining 42 minutes to clean up all that banana.
• Not all guys are an animal in the sack. By the way – it really spices things up if you put an animal in the sack. Start small: maybe a badger.
• That’s why Prescott developed “Fulcrum” – a male enhancement pill made from the strongest placebo allowed by law. Here’s how it works. Fulcrum doesn’t just direct more blood to your penis: it directs all your blood to your penis, leaving you a lifeless, shriveled husk hanging from a rigid steel beam. Sight effects include urethral nodding, Honus Wagner‘s disease, and a rare and irreversible condition known as carcassing.
• This natural orifice surgery leaves no scars – besides the massive emotional ones.
• Folks, I am all for this. I hate leaving my mouth open during oral surgery. Now I can get my root canals done through my rectum, leaving my mouth free to bite the dentist – I hate that guy!
• But if you’re not comfortable having you’re open heart surgery through your eye socket, why not use Vaxa-Fice? It’s the only doctor recommended way to add new orifices to your body. Just rub it wherever you would like to give your surgeon an access hole and feel the mild tingling sensation as it burns away your flesh. Warning: Prescott Pharmaceuticals can make no guarantee which orifice you will receive.
• Actually, uh, there is a guarantee. It’s going to be an anus.
• Side effects may include goferism, multi-brow, and tracheal meercat colonies.
• Remember: If you can remember, you’re obviously not part of the class action lawsuit against VaxaMemory.
• My guest tonight wants to retire the penny. Then what am I supposed to use for tipping?
• Have you not heard the phrase “you’ve got to stop and smell the pennies”?
• Really? You don’t want to stare at the back of a woman?
• 3 is right between 1 and 5 – or is that math to high for you?
• Three out of 5 times it goes to 5 – that’s just a penny tax! You just came up with a penny tax, Sir.
• I bring bolt cutters to the store to snip off a little bit….
• How is this any different than going back and re-assassinating Abraham Lincoln? You might as well build a time machine and sneak up behind him with you’re anit-… you might as well shoot him with a penny!
• What am I supposed to throw at buses? What am I supposed to throw off of sky-scrapers to try to kill people? What’s a kid supposed to stick up his nose? Don’t say dimes – I can’t afford them.
• People are always bitching about how much those water bottles are ruining the environment – why not stamp them out of some of those?
• What about those “have a penny / leave a penny – need a penny / take a penny” sort of thing? Because, anytime I see one of those, whether I’m buying anything or not, I always take me a penny.
• That’s all right – I’ll get him backstage.
• • Stephen: Do you know that old saying? Answer the question, Sir. “Find a penny, pick it up. All day you’ll have good luck.” Answer the question: Do you know that saying?
  • Jeff: Not that exact saying
  • Stephen: You don’t know that? Then I don’t think you’re qualified to judge the penny.
• If the penny isn’t lucky, then how has it survived all these years? Because, apparently, it isn’t worth s@%t.
• Wanna know why – you tell me and I’ll tell you why you’re wrong. I should say that at the beginning of every interview.
• That’s an exclusive! I can report right now that the anti-penny lobby has just endorsed Barack Obama! Stay tuned to this channel to see if he accepts, rejects, or renounces it.

Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny Colbert Report website

• Daily/Colbert – Petraeus: Stephen gets the Petraeus Hearings confused with Battlestar Galagtica.
• Intro – 4/09/08: Democratic candidates raised record amounts of money — hydroponic grow lights must be expensive.
• The Olympic Torch: Stephen gives the Olympic Torch some advice to aid its journey.
• Starter Country: Senators Clinton and Obama, prove that you are ready to run a country — just not this one.
• Cheating Death – Sexual Health : A new survey reports that healthy sex should last 3 to 13 minutes, but Stephen knows better.
• Jeff Gore: Stephen has an exclusive – Jeff Gore, founder of Citizens for Retiring the Penny, endorses Obama.

---