Episode 4043 (04/03/2008)

“It’s not a recession, it’s a correction. Correction: it’s a recession. This is The Colbert Report!“

Olympics Torched: Tonight! Should we boycott the Olympics in China? But when else will we get a chances to pole-vault over the Great Wall?

• Peabody Award Winning Doritos
• Calls to boycott the Olympics

The Wørd: Let The Games Begin

Alpha Squad Heaven: Then, I bring you the next chapter of my Tek Jansen animated adventures. Spoiler Alert: It’s awesome!

• The New Tek Jansen Adventures – The Origins of Tek Jansen, Chapter 2: For each great master was once a lowly student in a school of them.

Clay Achin’: And my guest Clay Shirky has written a book on the organizaional power of the internet. It’s true – now you can watch porn alphabetically.

• Clay Shirky – author, Here Comes Everybody: The power of organizing without organizations.

In closing: Encore performance of “You Are The Best”

Guest Plug:
Here Comes Everybody: The Power of Organizing Without Organizations

INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:
ColbertNaiton.com
Peabody Award Wining Doritos stickers at ColbertNation.com

NOTABLE MOMENTS, Video links, and more after the fold!

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• I am sure, by now, that all of you have heard that yesterday I won the prestigious George Foster Peabody award for excellence in broadcasting. I was recognized for my courageous coverage of my even more courageous run for the White House, better known as “The Hail To The Cheese Stephen Colbert Nacho Cheese Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign Coverage.”
• I may be the one getting one of these trophies this June – these trophies, by the way, could be a little bit shinier, Peabody committee. I like gold.
• Nation, no one runs for President by himself, other than Mike Gravel.
• Truly, the Peabody award wasn’t won just by me. It was also run by Doritos. Doritos gave me the money to produce those groundbreaking shows. Doritos, I believe, also gave me Nacho Cheese Lung.
• On the few snacks that is huffable.
• Doritos have now one a Peabody. I believe this is the first fried snack to win such a distinguished honor, although Cheetos was on the short list for the 2005 Penn Faulkner award. And if you’ve read Chester Cheetah’s memoir “Orange Like Me” you know why.
• To commemorate this landmark achievement in snacking, I have created these stickers, right here. ["Peabody Award Winning"] Place it on whatever flavor you choose. My Doritos are now now spicy, sweet, and recognized for excellence in broadcasting.
• Heroes – there are way more bags of Doritos than I can possibly sticker, which is why I’m calling on you to download these stickers for ColbertNation.com, print them out, and take them to your local supermarket. Do not rest until every bag of Doritos in America is as packed with honor as it is with disodium guanylate.
• Crunchy, and prestigious. They’re crunchtigous.
• I cannot wait to see the Americans take home the gold, the silver and the bronze. Although, I believe, the Chinese have changed it to the lead, the mercury, and the unidentified glowing solvent.
• They’re getting all hung-up on some Tibetans that the Chinese hung up.
• Hey, Pelosi! If you love Tibet so much, why don’t you run for their congress. I’m sure there are some gay yaks that want funding for a pride parade.
• Some people want to boycott the entire games – like German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Gerbil Chancellor Richard Gere.
• The Olympics are a tradition too important to boycott. They remind us how far civilization has come since ancient Greece. For example, athletic apparel is not made of cotton, rather than olive oil. [Only Extra-Virgin Thing About Greek Wrestlers]
• Today, the Olympics combine the best in amateur competition with the best in professional advertising. From Michael Johnson selling running shoes to Michael Phelps selling Speedos to Izzy, the Atlanta mascot, selling crack cocaine.
• Some will say the United States has to boycott the games because China opresses people and supports genocide, and we don’t do that. [Play Along, Native Americans]
• But, if history proves anything, it’s when the United States wants to change China it’s not by boycotting. It’s with a policy of engagement. [Till Debt Do Us Part]
• For example, after Beijing crushed the protest in Tienamin Square, we sent a strong message by giving China Most Favored Nation status and making them our number 1 trading partner. And, evidently, it worked. I haven’t seen protesting students in Tienanmen Square since. [Too Busy Making Our Toys In Prison]
• So, how do we engage the Chinese, enjoy the games, and still satisfy our conscience? Simply incorporate human rights abuses into the games. Imagine the possibilities, Folks. The javelin catch, unintentional gymnastics, cut-off-your-handball. And race walking. That’s just torture to watch.
• This way, no one can say that China’s human rights abuses aren’t being covered by the media. [Bob Costas Surprisingly Knowledgeable]
• Protesters get their message out, athletes get to compete, and corporations have new sports to sponsor. [*Image of a cereal box "Oppresso's"]
• Everybody wins. [Give Or Take A Lama]
• It is official! My unpublished manuscript, Stephen Colbert’s Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne, A Tek Jansen Adventure, has been rejected by it’s 20th publisher. When I found out, I had a good cry, and produced yet another, in my landmark series of epic animated Tek Jansen Adventures. So, tonight, I present Season 2 Episode 2 of The Origin of Tex Jansen
• Tek: Thank goodness this isn’t Earth or that fall would have killed me.
• *Tek’s pixilated bits!*
• Awkward Teen: Threat Level 0.
• The Triumphant Training Anthem:
  • You are the best!
  • Keep fighting and trying
  • to pass the test!
  • So try to keep fighting.
  • You are the best!
  • Fight your best fight and try to fight best. Try your best. Try to fight through the test!
  • You are the best!
  • Fight try test fight try best.
  • You are the best!
  • Try fight fight try best try test fight
  • You are the best!
  • The Best!
• “Tek Jansen? I’m the Alpha Squad appointed grief councilor. We better find shelter fast – this uniform disolves in water.”
• If it wasn’t for email, I would never have met Loquacious Q. Undersides.
• I just gotta say, the title “Here Comes Everybody” – that sounds like a threat. Are you warning about.. was a… what’s the book about?
• • Stephen: Are they coming at us, the internet people?
  • Clay Shirky: Well, the internet people are starting to be everybody. I mean, this is part of it. It’s that communications tools don’t get socially interesting until they get technologically boring. So, I wrote the book…
  • Stephen: I’m bored. Already. Wow. You got me “interested” real quick.
• What do you mean no one’s paying them? You gotta get paid to do work? I mean, I’ve done some work on Wikipedia. I’ve created my own form of reality on that web site. And I got paid to do it.
• • Clay: Do you sing Happy Birthday to your children, or do you hire professionals to come over to your house?
  • Stephen: I sing Happy Birthday to my children, but I do pay the royaly fee to the copyrighy holder because this is America and we’re here to make a buck, sir.
  • Clay: But do your kids pay you… to sing Happy Birthday to them?
  • Stephen: Do my kids pay me? Yes, we do allowance in reverse in my house. Once a month they give me 20 bucks and as a result, I’m a good Daddy.
• Let me guess: Fractals! Chaos Theory!
• • Clay: Sometimes, the only way to find out what everybody is interested in is to ask everybody.
  • Stephen: That can take a long time. You know what’s a lot easier, that I find? I tell my audience what they’re interested in and… how do you guys feel about that? [audience cheers]
• They have a lot of control, in that I have the control for them.
• You’re saying that this is an opportunity for the Colbert Nation to do something even more interesting than those stickers?
• If they do do something – and I realize that I just said “do-do” – if they do something that’s more interesting, then I’ll put that more interesting thing on air because that’s the relationship that we enjoy. We respect each other.
• I’ve given them a voice, in the form of my voice.
• This show is about you. I may have won the Peabody award, but you are the best!
• I cannot get the triumphant training anthem from tonight’s ‘Tek Adventures’ out of my head. That song just digs into your brain like an alien parasite.
• If it doesn’t feel like that to you yet, you’ve got one more chance. Here, with an encore performance of “You Are The Best” – music and lyrics by Peter Gwinn and Stephen Gold – please welcome one of our editors, and resident rocker, Jason Baker!
• Ed. Note: catch Stephen saying “beautiful” to Jason as the credits start rolling

Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray pinstripe suit; White shirt with French cuffs; Brick red tie with yellow dot pattern; Red WristSTRONG bracelet.

Tek Jansen – Beginning’s First Dawn, Ep. 2: A teenage Tek Jansen grows up fast after joining Alpha Squad.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Intro – 4/3/08: Boycott the Olympics in China? But when else will we get a chance to pole vault over the Great Wall?
• Doritos Wins Peabody: Stephen credits Doritos for his success on winning the Peabody award.
• The Word – Let The Games Begin: Stephen has a solution to the controversy surrounding the Beijing Olympic Games.
• Interview – Clay Shirky: Clay Shirky encourages the Colbert Nation to do something interesting with Doritos bags.
• You Are The Best: Jason Baker sings a reprise of Tek Jansen’s theme song.

• Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)
• Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)
• Episode 4067 (05/15/2008)
• Episode 4066 (5/14/08)