Episode 4039 (03/20/2008)

A Colbert Report Special ReporT: Watershift Down – Getting the Sea Monkey Off of America’s Aqua-back.

• World Water Day and Aqua Colbert
• “H2O=Life” from the American Museum of Natural History, with Melanie Stiassny
• Dean Kamen – inventor and Founder of DEKA Research – displays his vapor compression distiller for water purification.
• Someone discovers a way to burn salt water.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Last night when I was surfing the internets – literally… my backyard wave pool has WiFi – I learned that this Saturday is World Water Day.
• I have discovered that water makes dogs smell terrible.
• By 2025 almost 2/3 of the world’s population – 48 countries – won’t have enough water. That is terrifying. What if it is one of the countries where we do our water boarding?
• Have you seen how a typical European wastes water? [clip of Richard Branson throwing water at Stephen]
• My name is America. And I am addicted to water.
• Here is how scientists say the water cycle works: First, the sun causes ground water to evaporate which then condenses into clouds; then Feminists and taxes make God cry and the ocean gets replenished.
• I did not know this, but water is inside us too. For instance, the average adult male is 60% water. The other 40%? Spicy Sweet Chilly Flavored Doritos!
• Do we even need this element? The band Earth Wind and Fire gets along fine without it.
• I’ll just live off of the saliva produced in my mouth by these [Doritos]. Oh, oh that quenches.
• Tonight, I would like to introduce my new line of premium water – Aqua Colbert.
• When you’ve got an extraordinary thirst, don’t settle for an ordinary water that comes from just one foreign country. When you drink Aqua Colbert, you’re drinking the world. Your bottle’s journey begins in mysterious Arabia where it is crafted from the freshest and crudest of oils. Then, your bottle is booked in it’s own first class seat to the arctic circle where our technicians are hand melting the purest glaciers for Polar freshness. Next, it’s off to the South Seas where we blend in the delicious water of the tropics, from right here. Not what they drink. Then, your busy bottle takes a quick jaunt to Bangkok for a well earned massage – with ‘happy ending’. And finally, for a hint of mineral, it’s topped off with a single tear from the last white rhino. [May contain some black rhino tear.] Then it’s chilled in freon, packed in Styrofoam, and transported via snowmobile, jet-ski, and historic coal fired train back to the U.S. of A. where it is poured over the head of a male model. Hello. Then your sparkling clean bottle is filled with pure Cincinnati tap water. After repackaging and reshipping, your thirst quenching bottle of Aqua Colbert is airlifted to your home. Then it’s time to quench that thirst.
• Purity. Quality. Packing Peanuts. And all the refreshment you need in today’s warmer world. That’s the Aqua Colbert guarantee.
• Aqua Colbert: Thirst locally. Drink globally.
• America’s got a wet monkey on it’s back – and not in the fun way where you break into the zoo with a slip ‘n’ slide.
• The pushers at the American Museum of Natural History have a new exhibit called “H2O=Life”. I guess “Crack Cocaine = Awesome” finally closed.
• I assume that this is some fog of drug smoke to make me care about water.
• Mind Blowing!
• • Melanie: Here we have water in its 3 phases…
  • Stephen: It’s cold!
  • Melanie: It’s cold. It’s ice. It’s cold as ice. We have liquid water here. And you have water vapor – water in its gaseous state down there. So, ice, liquid… solid, liquid…
  • Stephen: So we have water, we have gas, and we have ice.
  • Melanie: No, we have…
  • Stephen: That’s water.
  • Melanie: Yes. That’s water…
  • Stephen: This is ice.
  • Melanie: This is ice water
  • Stephen: No, no. ice water is water that is cold. Ice cold. Ice water. Ice, water, gas.
  • Melanie: Ice. Water. Water vapor. It’s all water. It’s all water, whether it’s ice, whether it’s liquid…
  • Stephen: Ok – there’s ice skating, and then there is water skiing,
  • Melanie: There is water skiing… yea. You’re right.
  • Stephen: Ok – I accept your apology.
• • Melanie: About 60% of the human body is water.
  • Stephen: If that’s true, why am I only 2% interested?
• • Melanie: A river has carved this over millions of years.
  • Stephen: Thousands of years.
  • Melanie: Millions of years.
  • Stephen: Thousands of years.
• You don’t have to tell me about the power of water. I mean, obviously Noah’s Ark. Destroyed all life on Earth except for those animals that were on Noah’s Ark.
• If water is so darned precious, why do we let fish poop in it?
• Seriously – do you know half of the stuff fish do in water?
• I don’t perceive you as sexless just because you’re a scientist. Just because scientists are trying to destroy sex.
• Given a chance, water will destroy us. I say a preemptive strike is the best thing to protect ourselves.
• • Stephen: I’m sorry I’ve destroyed all your arguments. Unless there is some other use for water that you didn’t mention…
  • Melaine: Yea. There is one. [Cut to Dr. Stiassny spraying Stephen in the face]
• Editor’s Note: Please, will someone turn the faucet off?!?
• You and your brilliant team making things up… now let me ask you something here… I don’t mean making things up – I’m sure you work with hard science, whatever that is. You make great inventions.
• Diet. Cherry. Vanilla. Dr. Pepper.
• I should stop watering one of my lawns?
• I love wasting water.
• I guarantee you, that water is going to be sweet, spicy, and chili flavored.
• You know how I like to see those moved? Seeing a small, pretty girl carry one. Have you ever been to PrettyGirlsCarryingHeavyThings.com?
• I was just trying to set my water on fire. I know that sounds like an ‘eat lead paint’ – but it’s delicious.
• Now the eco-nuts around the world are wetting their yoga pants over the news because it could solve the world’s energy crisis – or burn the world’s oceans to the ground.
• That’s the thing about blasting stuff with high frequency waves – you never know how it’s going to turn out. You might stumble on a world changing discovery or become The Hulk. Either way, you don’t want to make me mad.

Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website

• Happy Gun Day: The Toss
• World Water Day: Stephen dedicates tonight’s whole show to water pledges not to drink a single drop.
• Aqua Colbert: Drink globally with Stephen’s new line of bottled water.
• Water is Life: Stephen visits the American Museum of Natural History to learn more about water.




• Dean Kamen: Stephen puts Dean Kamen’s vapor compression distiller to the test.
• Setting Water On Fire: Stephen thinks it’s great that someone has finally found a use for water.

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Categories : The Colbert Report


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