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“Hey Stephen! Don’t forget to stop thinking out loud. This is The Colbert Report!“

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Reverend Wrong: “Tonight, the controversy about Barack Obama’s former pastor rages on. Though not as much as his former pastor.”

• Democralypse Now: Barack Obama and Reverend Wright
• The Wørd: The Gospel of John
• Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger: President Bush’s soldier envy, Fox’s ‘Moment of Truth’

Dee Dee vs. Me Me: “And, my guest Dee Dee Myers thinks women should rule the world. Let me guess – she’s a woman. ”

• Dee Dee Myers, former White House Press Secretary

Guest Plug:

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INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:
DonorsChoose.org – donate to Pennsylvania’s public schools

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In closing: Oh, hi. Folks, folks, we’re out of time. That is it for the Report. Good night, and snack strong.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• *Editor’s note: We could really use a toss once in a while. I’m just sayin’.*
• Folks, you know what? I must be old meat, because you people spoil me. That’s a pickup line, you can use that. Just say, some of my pickup lines are from Stephen Colbert. Just a little credit at the bottom.
• The Days Inn?! Up on Broadway and 94th?! I mean the man is blind! You know that heightens his sense of smell!
• Governor, Governor. If you’re going to indulge, indulge. Cheating at the Days Inn is like going off your diet for a Tootsie Roll. At the Days Inn.
• But there is some good news, Nation. The Democrats are killing themselves.
• This week on the liberal website DailyKos, a civil war has broken out. Clinton bloggers are leaving en masse to protest what they feel is an abusively pro-Bama environment. Apparently, they were getting the crap hoped out of them.
• I read all 1258 angry comments. Folks, I love when Democrats spend all their time in anonymous Internet feuds. Anything to keep them off the ‘Casual Encounters’ section on Craigslist.
• Oh, but every time I give a speech about how angry black people are, they call me a racist.
• Nation, the big question was, is this speech enough? I believe there’s only one way for Obama to defuse this situation, and it’s tonight’s Wørd. [The Gospel of John]
• Folks, when it comes to Obama’s connection to Reverend Wright, people are judging the wrong thing. Some say, if Obama was at church when the reverend made his statements, he must share Wright’s sentiments. But everyone knows that people don’t pay attention in church. It’s warm, you’re thinkin’ about the donuts, your mind wanders. Hell, while I was daydreaming for the last 43 years, my church silently sanctioned the sexual abuse of children. Who knew?! [The Kids & Church Officials]
• Now, others think it’s worse if Obama claims he wasn’t at church when the reverend made his statements, and wasn’t aware of Wright’s views, because that would mean Obama is, in the words of Pat Buchanan, “a man so obtuse he ought not to be a security guard at Wal-Mart, let alone president.” And, Buchanan should know, he’s just a few years away from being a greeter. [Image of Pat Buchanan as a greeter at Wal-Mart]
• But the real problem here is not whether the senator attended church, or whether he was aware of his reverend’s views, but how he handled an inflammatory spiritual leader during a presidential campaign. If you want to know how to do it right, ask John McCain. [Not Now, He's Napping]
• He also has a long-standing and complicated relationship with controversial preachers. [Knew Jesus Personally]
• Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. Now, I’m not comparing Falwell and Robertson to Jeremiah Wright. [Like Comparing Angry Apples to Anti-Gay Oranges]
• After all, the Sunday after September 11, Reverend Wright said this: “America’s chickens are coming home to roost.” Chickens? Roost? That implies we had the terrorists cooped up in tiny cages for years. And we didn’t do that until after 9/11.
• Now, by comparison, Falwell and Robertson delivered a touching sermon three days after September 11. “I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians, who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU people for the American Way, all of them who tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say you helped this happen.” “Well, I – I totally concur.”
• It is even more inspiring than their sermon about the two sets of footprints on the beach. The second set belongs to a gay dude sneaking up on you. RUN, JESUS!
• But, like the out-of-control Reverend Wright, Falwell and Robertson were also condemned by a presidential candidate. During John McCain’s 2000 campaign, he called them both quote, “Agents of intolerance.” But before this campaign, McCain did what was necessary to win. [Hire Karl Rove?]
• Here’s what he said about them this time. [Clip of McCain praising Falwell and Robertson] He embraced them. In fact, in 2006, McCain gave the commencement address at Falwell’s Liberty University. [#2,673 Science Department In America!]
• I’m telling you, folks, the man, the man is such a maverick he is even independent from his own true feelings. McCain was able to cozy up to preachers who say that gays and satanists are the same thing! And it’s a non-issue. [Satan: "Not That There's Anything Wrong With That."]
• I think that Obama’s mistake is that he did it backwards. If he had denounced Reverend Wright years ago, then quietly embraced him for this election, he could’ve spent the time he wasted on yesterday’s speech focusing on the issues that really matter. [Like Denying He's A Muslim] And that’s the Wørd.
• Nation, next month, I will be in the cradle of American Democracy for Stephen Colbert’s Doritos Spicy Sweet Pennsylvania Primary Coverage from Chili-Delphia — The City of Brotherly Crunch!
• You know, you know, the two Democratic candidates are a lot like the flavors on these chips right here. Barack Obama is sweet – he’s a compromiser – but he’s also spicy. He grew up in Kansas.
• But Hillary has her sweet and spicy sides too. And like Doritos, she seems to have been designed by consultants and focus groups.
• Two very enticing choices. Too bad all Americans can’t vote in the Pennsylvania primary. Well, now you can – at DonorsChoose.org, a website that allows you to directly fund school projects around the country.
• Now, last October, I partnered with DonorsChoose for my presidential campaign – and you heroes gave nearly 66,000 dollars for South Carolina public schools! Directly helping 17,000 young kids. That is a lot of copies of the redacted Huckleberry Finn.
• Well I’m happy to announce that you can go to DonorsChoose.org and vote in the presidential primary in Pennsylvania by making a donation to Pennsylvania public schools on behalf of your favorite candidate, either Hillary or Barack. Sorry, McCain supporters, the internet does not accept Buffalo head nickels. Obama and Clinton campaigns, do your supporters care more about Pennsylvania schools than the Colbert Nation cared about South Carolina? Here’s your chance to prove it – or fight me!
• Snacking on. You know what, you know what, I’m too angry to do a segue! This is Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger!
• Oh, I’m not gonna get sick of these. Oh, they do de-humidify the mouth!
• And even fewer people are talking about the war in Afghanistan. My guess, too many syllables.
• Those words leave me no choice but to give a wag of my finger to our troops in Afghanistan. Soldiers, shame on you for arousing our president’s envy! You must stop making multiple tours of duty battling fierce militias in a barren faraway land look like so much fun.
• While you’re running around romantically dodging roadside bombs and rounding up potential terrorists, the president’s stuck back in the White House pushing glazed salmon around his dinner plate and pretending to pay attention while Condi plays the piano.
• Now troops, I support you, you know I support you. But stop enticing the president – we could lose him again. Remember? The last time he got excited about a war, he ran off to join the Alabama National Guard and then nobody could find him.
• There’s a new Fox hit that is focused on the family. A proud tip of my hat to the game show ‘The Moment of Truth‘ where contestants are subjected to a polygraph test, then to win money must honestly answer painful personal questions in front of their loved ones.
• It’s like having a live studio audience when you get drunk at Thanksgiving.
• And the honesty hounds on this show will go to any length to uncover that truth. *Clip of woman being asked if she’s cheated on her husband* I have not seen TV that brutally honest since last Monday.
• Maybe women should start by opening their own damn jars.
• All right, all right, you’re trying to get my ire up with the title of the book, I can tell.
• ‘Why women should rule the world.’ I’ll bite. What would happen? We’d all hold hands and sing angel choirs and the heavens would open up and everything would be better.
• I think men have been ruling the world at the expense of women, and I’m afraid it would payback time. Payback is, literally, a bitch.
• Myers: I gave birth to a little man, I did, and his name is Stephen.
• Stephen: I’m honored.
• So, co-presidency, that’s what you mean. This is about Hillary Clinton, right, this book is about Hillary Clinton.
• Is there another woman running for president right now? Because there’ve been a lot of revelations about Obama, and if you want to drop a bomb right now, I think we could make some news.
• Myers: I’m not making an argument for any one woman, I’m making an argument for lots more women.
• Speaking of different voices, you’re a woman, I’m gonna take your word on that one. You’re a woman; I don’t see sex. I don’t see race and I don’t see sex.
• Stephen: It was harder for a woman. They didn’t take it easy on you? The boys in the room there didn’t say –
• Myers: Have you been in the White House Briefing Room?
• Stephen: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It smells like Blitzer’s beard, still. Whatever he rubs into it.
• What about pay? I understand you actually got paid less as the Press Secretary than a man in a similar job.
• Myers: I did. And I got paid less than men who I worked alongside who had less responsibility than I did, and I complained about it.
• So, the Clintons are sexist, is what you’re saying. You’re saying if you’re a woman, you shouldn’t vote for a woman.
• Stephen: Isn’t that an argument against a woman ruling the country? Because they’re going to ask permission to invade Iraq? No, they’re just going to invade Iraq, that’s what you do!
• Myers: Right, that’s gone really well so far, so I think we should use that as the model. *audience claps*
• Your family, who wears the pants? Are you wearing pants right now? *peeks under the table* No, that is a short skirt!

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, white pinstriped shirt with barrel cuffs. Black tie with small white squares. WristSTRONG bracelet.

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Pennsylvania Primary: Go to DonorsChoose.org and vote for Hillary or Obama and help raise money for Pennsylvania schools!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website

• Intro – 3/19/08: The controversy over Obama’s former pastor rages on, though not as much as his former pastor.
• Patterson Affair: Cheating at the Days Inn is like going off your diet for a Tootsie Roll – at the Days Inn.
• The Word – The Gospel of John: Stephen thinks Obama could learn something from McCain and his new pastor friends.
• Tip/Wag – Afghanistan: Shame on you, soldiers in Afghanistan, for arousing our president’s envy!
• Interview – Dee Dee Myers: Dee Dee Myers tells Stephen what would happen if women ruled the world.

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Related posts


• Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)
• Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)
• Episode 4067 (05/15/2008)
• Episode 4066 (5/14/08)
Categories : The Colbert Report


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