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“Hey, Burger King! Isn’t it time you named an heir? This is The Colbert Report!“

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Who Is That Mosqued Man? “Tonight, is Barack Obama a Muslim? I examine the facts and come up with a ‘yes’ anyway.”

• Democralypse Now: The Delightful Dismemberment of the Democratic Hopescape
• Geraldine Ferraro
• Barack Obama and the Muslim rumor
• First guest: Hussein Ibish, Foundation for Arab-American Anti-Discrimination Committee

Speak Queasy: “Then, how to bring excitement back into America’s bars? If only there were some sort of drink that could loosen people’s inhibitions.”

• Difference Makers: TN Senator Doug Jackson

Uncool and the Gang: “Then, my guest Sudhir Venkatesh has written a book called Gang Leader for a Day. Let’s see if he understands this gang sign [Stephen sits up straight, puts on a cheesy grin and waves cheerily].”

• Sudhir Venkatesh – Author, Gang Leader for a Day: A Rogue Sociologist Takes to the Streets

Guest Plug:


In closing: Welcome back to The Report. For those of you just joining us: TOO LATE! Good night.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Tonight, I’m not really feeling myself. Um … I feel like I’m coming down with something. [Audience: Awwwww.] Thank you. Thank you very much. I think I might have “restless lung syndrome”. They, they won’t stop going in and out.
• And wouldn’t you know it? I just found out the medicine I take is a fake! I’m talking about Airborne. Last week, the Airborne people settled a lawsuit for $23 million just because “There’s no credible evidence that what’s in Airborne can prevent colds or protect you from a germy environment.”
• ‘No credible evidence’?! Just look at the packaging. These cartoon germs are obviously terrified.
• Plus, plus … I don’t know if you can see it on the box; it says right here, “Created by a school teacher!” Folks, if we can’t trust our school teachers to formulate our pharmaceuticals, how can we trust them when they say that “Cat” starts with a “C” and not with a “Kh” like I’ve always suspected?
• All I know is that it’s always worked for me. In fact, I got so cocky when I was ‘borne-ing, that I volunteered at the local TB clinic’s annual Spring Carnival. [graphic of Stephen in white shirt and red bowtie, puckering up at a booth that says "kiss $3, with tongue $1"]
• Yes, I worked the Kissing Booth. And I gave a discount for tongue.
• But now, ever since I found out that Airborne doesn’t work, it doesn’t seem to work! I don’t get it. What’s next, science? Debunking magic amulets? Ever since I started wearing this thing [holds up pendant], I have not once been attacked by a manticore.
• Moving on, Nation, the battle for the Democratic nomination has gotten ugly. I’m talking John Adams ugly. Paul Giamatti, do not be flattered you were offered that role!
• This race has become downright nasty, and everyone has noticed. Jim? [Montage of talking heads spewing hyperbole about the Democratic race.]
• The Democratic Party is self-destructing like a … the Democratic Party. Nothing else, nothing else — nothing else eats itself quite so enthusiastically. So joint me tonight as I celebrate the implosion of the American Left in my new segment, “Democralypse Now: The Delightful Dismemberment of the Democratic Hopescape”!
• This week, Clinton advisor Geraldine Ferraro *ripped* Barack Obama to journalistic powerhouse the dailybreeze, which covers the South Bay area near Los Angeles and has a daily circulation of … the people who find it on the bus.
• Ms. Ferraro explained Obama’s success this way, “If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position… He happens to be very lucky to be who he is.” That’s right. Barack Obama is lucky to be who he is. He is lucky to be Barack Hussein Obama. His free ride is rivalled only by Congressman Fidel Pol Pot Bin Hitler.
• Ferraro has since resigned but refused to apologize and, folks, there is no she should. Once you pass 70, you can say whatever you want about Black people. And … and Chinamen! I can’t wait!
• Now, folks, some saw Ferraro’s resignation as a quid pro quo for the ousting of Obama advisor Samantha Power after she called Hillary Clinton, “a Monster.” The Clinton campaign can deny it all it wants, but in Texas, Hillary did get 80% of the chupacabra vote.
• Meanwhile, on the Republican side [switches cameras, chipper music plays in the background], John McCain has wrapped up the Republican nomination. He’s doin’ a little fundraising, might cruise over to Europe to shore up his foreign policy credentials, or you know what, he might just sit by a pool and angrily sip a daiquiri.
• Back to the Democrats [switches cameras again, music from Psycho plays in the background], Barack Obama is a SECRET MUSLIM!
• Of course, Obama claims that he’s a Christian, which is exactly what a secret Muslim would say. Now, some conspiracy theorists say that this Muslim rumor is coming from the Clinton campaign, but if that were true, why would Hillary Clinton dispel it? Sort of. [Plays clip from 60 Minutes.] See? She has nothing to do with these rumors. As far as I know.
• *Editor’s note: Okay, there’s plenty to criticize Hillary for with respect to this campaign, but I’m not wild about the fact that that particular statement of hers is still being spun in this manner. In the interest of fairness, I’d recommend friend of the blog Rachel Sklar’s excellent post about this topic over at Eat the Press (Huffington Post). The Eric Boehlert piece she references is here.*
• But New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof wrote in his column on Sunday that the proper response to the rumor that Obama is a Muslim really should be, “… So what if he were?” I agree, and I will go further. From now on, no matter what the question, my answer is, “So what if Barack Obama is a Muslim?!”
• Here to discuss the challenge of being a Muslim in America is a man who openly admits to being named ‘Hussein’. From the Foundation for Arab-American Leadership, please welcome Hussein Ibish!
• Is Kristof right? I mean, should it really matter whether or not Barack Obama is a Muslim? There are plenty of other reasons to not like him. Like, like the fact that he’s so likable.
• Ibish: Right, I think there are many reasons to like him; of course it shouldn’t matter. I mean, the Constitution is very clear, there is no religious test for public office –
• Stephen: Except that this is a Christian nation …
• Ibish: Except that it isn’t –
• Stephen: It was *founded* on Christian principles!
• Ibish: No, not at all –
• Stephen: It was founded on Christian principles.
• Ibish: … If you read the Constitution –
• Stephen: Oh, I have read the Constitution.
• Ibish: … I’ve got one with me; would you like to see it?
• Stephen: I would love to see it.
• Ibish: Would you like to see Article VI, Section 3?
• Stephen: I would love to see it … is it in English, or is it in Arabic?
• Ibish: It’s in English.
• Stephen: [reading] “ … but no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States,” so help me Jesus Christ.
• Ibish: That might include the Presidency. Nice editing job … No listen, I’m extremely grateful to Obama for kind of cleaning up my name, because, you know, for the past ten years or fifteen years, it’s been — I have to explain, you know, “My name’s Hussein, like Saddam Hussein.” And now I get to say, “My name’s Hussein like Barack Obama.”
• Stephen: And I’m sure he thanks you for that.
• Ibish: No, it’s great!
• Stephen: … Let me tell you what, I think it shouldn’t matter that Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim, and that is …
• Ibish: Which he isn’t, but –
• Stephen: Well, I’m hearing that he is lately …
• Ibish: No, I think it’s pretty clear that he’s not. He says he’s not, there’s no reason to doubt it, he’s not.
• Stephen: Okay, I’m sorry; I misspoke. SECRET Muslim. Okay.
• Ibish: There’s no reason to doubt it. I mean, if someone says to you that you are a secret Hindu, or perhaps a child molester, are we to take this on face value?
• Stephen: [audience: "Ooooh!"] I’ll take care of this one … I find it offensive that you are implying that all Hindus are child molesters!
• Ibish: I’m not!
• Stephen: Your words, sir! You just — your words.
• Stephen: But, as a Muslim — are you a Muslim?
• Ibish: I am from the Muslim community.
• Stephen: … I’m from the “Catholic community”. Are you a Muslim?
• Ibish: I’m kind of an agnostic.
• Stephen: You’re kind of an agnostic?!
• Ibish: I’m kind of an agnostic, yeah.
• Stephen: So, there might not be any other God but Allah, and Muhammad might be his Prophet.
• Ibish: Yeah, I don’t know –
• Stephen: Okay. All right. Next time, we’ll have a real Muslim on.
• Folks, I’ve said it before, today’s bars — today’s bars are just too safe. No spitting, no brawling; it’s all dart tourneys and bar trivia. I say we combine them; if you don’t know how many number one hits The Supremes had in 1965, you get a dart in the head.
• Our bars have lost the allure of danger, but there’s one crusader with a plan to put the “loon” back in “saloon”: Tennessee State Senator Doug Jackson. And folks, he is a Difference Maker.
• [Stephen's voiceover:] America’s proud tradition of guns in bars has too often been thwarted by laws banning guns wherever alcohol is served. But now, one brave Tennessee senator is making a difference.
• [Jackson:] “I’m Doug Jackson; I’m a state senator from Dickson, TN. I introducted legislation to allow a law-abiding citizen that has a permit to be in possession of handgun, to carry that handgun into any establishment that serves alcohol, including a bar … Someone that has a handgun in an establishment that serves alcohol, they cannot consume any alcohol. They’re not allowed to have a single drink. And I have full confidence that they will obey that rule.”
• [Clip of Derek Thomas, "Enthusiast":] “Honestly, no, I would not. I would not. I would not quite drinking because I had my firearm in a bar because I have better standards, you know, than … to carelessly use my firearm.” [footage of Thomas playing pool, using a rifle as his cue stick]
• [Clip of Mark Anthony Howell, Jr., "Gun Rights Advocate":] “That’d … it’d be no fun ’cause … you get to shoot stuff. [laughs] Yeah.”
• [Clip of Steve Smith, Owner, "Nashville Palace":] “You know, we’re a bunch of rednecks down here in Nashville, and alcohol and rednecks and firearms really don’t mix that well inside bars. It’s not a good — it’s not a good thing.
• [Stephen's voiceover:] Not only will Jackson’s legislation support the Second Amendment, it will boost the local economy.
• [Steve Smith:] “If they pass this law, that you can get a license to carry a gun in a bar, first thing I’m gonna do is open up a funeral home. ‘Cause that’s gonna be the biggest business in town.”
• [Stephen's voiceover:] And, most importantly, Jackson is protecting our national security.
• [Clip of Wallace Dobbs, "Drinking Gun Owner":] “I think it’s a possibility that, if firearms are not allowed in bars or establishments where alcohol is served, that it could open the door for possible terrorism.”
• [Stephen's voiceover:] You heard him right, “terrorism”. That’s why Doug Jackson is an American hero.
• [Dobbs:] I don’t consider him actually a hero …
• [Thomas:] I would not consider Doug Jackson a hero.
• [Randy Hall, "Employee of the Month":] Not sure how many times I’ve heard his name …
• I’ll be right back. With a gun
• My guest tonight has written a book called Gang Leader for a Day. I’m gonna flash him my gang colors: Red, White and Blue. Please welcome Sudhir Venkatesh!
• Now you were trained as a sociologist, correct?

• Venkatesh: That’s correct.
• Stephen: Now you went, in your own words, “rogue”. Okay, for six years, you lived in the Robert Taylor Projects … what were you trying to do?
• Venkatesh: I grew up in the suburbs; I wanted to see something completely different, and I wanted to know how the poor people really lived, ’cause they wouldn’t answer my questions …
• Stephen: Poor people wouldn’t answer your questions? Did you try offering them money? Because I understand that’s something that poor people need a lot of.
• Venkatesh: I tried; I didn’t give them enough. And I gave them bad questions like, “How does it feel to be black and poor?”
• Stephen: Oh really? … But they were too “in” it to really get a sense of it?
• Venkatesh: That’s right. Well, I gave them choices; I said, “very bad,” “bad,” “good”. You know –
• Stephen: Seriously. Seriously? You gave them a multiple choice?! … They couldn’t handle a multiple choice on how they felt?
• Venkatesh: That’s what sociologists do …
• So your idea was actually, go immerse yourself. Like you were going into, like, some foreign culture?

• Venkatesh: … I decided, you know what? I’ve got to stay on people’s couches, I have to eat with them, and I’ve really gotta know what it’s like. Because they’re not telling journalists this story, they’re not gonna talk to the cops, they’re not gonna talk to anybody, so I went in and forced them to talk to me.
• Stephen: Did anybody, did anybody — at any point, did they say, “Um, you gotta get off my couch, man”? “I got a girl comin’ over …” or “Can you believe Sudhir will not leave!?”
• Venkatesh: Well, that’s when I went to the questions.
• So now, it says “Gang LEADER for a Day”; did you actually lead this gang for a day?

• Venkatesh: I wasn’t actually the leader, but I got to walk next to the leader for a day and figure out, okay, how do you get 200 guys to risk their lives every day, in this really poor place, for minimum wage? What do you, what kind of leader do you have to be?
• Stephen: [laughing] I’d — I’d love to know, because, uh … I could use that kind of leadership around here.
• Venkatesh: … You have to be willing to use violence right away. So if two people are lying to you, one of them stole money, you’ve got to figure out who, and you can’t, you know, have them run laps, you’ve got to beat the crap out of them.
• Stephen: Well, you were a leader for a day; did you use violence?
• Venkatesh: No, I tried to delegate.
• Stephen: [laughing] You delegated the violence?
• Venkatesh: [also laughing] I tried.
• Stephen: Really? A lot of leaders do that.
• Venkatesh: Some of the best ones. I couldn’t beat anyone up, so I tried to say, “Well, I’m the leader; you beat ‘em up.” And they said, “No, you’re the leader; to get respect, you have to beat them up, yourself.” I wouldn’t do it, though.
• Stephen: Wow.
• Venkatesh: I’m a pacifist. [Editor's note: I can't type that phrase without adding, in my own mind but in Paul Dinello's voice, "Get it? I pass a fist!"]
• Stephen: But did the guy eventually get beaten up?
• Venkatesh: Yes. He got beat up.
• Stephen: At any point, did you say to youself, maybe I should stop the guy from getting beaten up? … Did you call the police?
• Venkatesh: Right when I got there, the very first few months, I said to the police, look at this! You guys gotta do something –
• Stephen: Why don’t they do anything?
• Venkatesh: ‘Cause they said, “We can’t.” They said, “It’s too dangerous for the police. This community is too dangerous …”
• Stephen: [stares, dumbfounded]
• Venkatesh: Exactly! So, if the police can’t do anything, then how are the residents gonna to do anything? So, they have to live with the street gang.
• Stephen: Wow. Did you, um … did you, at any point, ‘pop a cap’ in anyone’s ass? ‘Cause that would sell some books.
• Venkatesh: That would sell some books. I’m from Irvine, California; all I did was pop soda caps. That’s all I did.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit with black stripes, white dress shirt with tone on tone white stripes. French cuffs. Black tie with red and gold(?) pattern. WristSTRONG bracelet.

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Difference Maker – Doug Jackson: Senator Doug Jackson believes it is the right of every American to carry a gun into a bar.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website

• Intro – 3/13/08: Is Obama a Muslim? Stephen examines the facts and comes up with a ‘yes’ anyway.
• Airborne Lawsuit: Airbone is sued for not working. What’s next Science, debunking magic amulets?
• Democralypse Now: Stephen tells us how the Democratic Party is destroying itself with name-calling and rumors.
• Hussein Ibish: Stephen invites Hussein Ibish on the show to find out if Obama is a secret Muslim.
• Sudhir Venkatesh : Sudhir Venkatesh lived in the projects of Chicago to find out how street gangs operate.

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Categories : The Colbert Report


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