Episode 4034 (3/12/2008)

If I had a nickel for every time I was wrong, I’d be broke. This is The Colbert Report!“

Whore Today, Gone Tomorrow: “Tonight, Eliot Spitzer resigns as governor of New York. Where will he find comfort in this difficult time?”

• Stephen is the meat in a Spitzer sandwich
• Smokin’ Pole: The Fight For Arctic Riches

Special: K Street: “Then, Ethan Nadelman, lobbyist for drug legalization, explains the appeal of jam bands.”

• Part of Stephen’s new 35,000-part series, Better Know A Lobby(ist): Drug Lobbyists
• Desk Guest: Ethan Nadelman, Executive Director of the Drug Policy Alliance

Mistah Kurtz, He Dead: “Plus, my guest Howard Kurtz is the media critic for the Washington Post. I’ll ask him what he thinks about what I’m asking him.”

• Guest Howard Kurtz, host of CNN’s ‘Reliable Sources’ and author of ‘Reality Show’

In closing: Welcome back, the following program contains images that may be disturbing to some viewers. In that, I’m not on them. Goodnight.

Guest Plug:

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• I shouldn’t be applauding, but I just got swept up in you getting swept up in me. I gotta tell you, I am that infectious. That I infected myself.
• There’s obviously only one big lead story tonight, an influential figure whom many of us considered a moral leader, has let America down and has been forced to leave his post. Of course I speak of Fox News’s John Gibson.
• The network announced it is canceling ‘The Big Story with John Gibson’. I know, I know, I know. Time will heal this wound.
• John, how could you?! You told us you were the number one name in news and now we find out that you have a secret relationship with terrible ratings? *points at heart* Betrayed.
• But Gibson wasn’t the only leader to break our hearts by abdicating his position. There’s also Tucker Carlson. MSNBC has canceled ‘Tucker,’ it’s a shame. You… you hide your grief well.
• But as the saying goes, John Gibson, Tucker Carlson, and prostitution scandals come in threes. Because today, friend of the show and Emperor’s Club lifetime member Eliot Spitzer resigned as governor of New York.
• It was such a big story that the media followed the governor’s SUV through traffic for over 20 minutes in the hope that he would stop and pick up a prostitute.
• Bumper sticker: MY OTHER RIDE IS A HOOKER
• You do not want to see what he’s got on his mudflaps. Or perhaps you do.
• But, Spitzer’s resignation was short and moving. “The remorse I feel will always be with me.” And, on future business trips, so will Mrs. Spitzer.
• Now, like most really important stories, this one involves me. Let’s look at the Spitzer timeline. On February 12th, the governor places calls setting up his liaison. February 13th, he meets the prostitute in the Mayflower Hotel in Washington for a little game of ‘hide the integrity.’
• But – look what happened between those two events on the night of February 12th. He appeared on my show!
• I just feel so dirty! Evidently I am the meat in a Spitzer sandwich! By the way, a Spitzer sandwich will cost you $5500 dollars.
• Folks, you know, just to be fair, maybe this is my fault. I tried to give him the Colbert Bump but I might have accidentally have given him the ‘Colbert Bumpin’ Uglies.’
• A lot of people consider an interview on my show as a form of foreplay. In fact, after last night’s show, I went back to the green room and caught Geraldo humping the cheese plate.
• It took almost two hours to get his moustache out of the Gouda. I pray to God it was his moustache.
• Moving on, let’s just move on, please. Don’t drag this down into the gutter. *Holds pen up over his upper lip for a moment*
• As you know, Nation, humanity has got glaciers on the run. Finally some payback for the Ice Age when they killed off our giant sloths. So tragic; the only animal that can’t outrun a glacier.
• Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski announced we might own a lot more of the Arctic than we thought.
• This, this was discovered by the Coast Guard, whose job apparently includes finding more coast to guard. They discovered the shelf’s unexpected length using something called bathymetric soundings. Now I don’t know exactly what those are, but I may ask my doctor to do some on my junk. Because who knows how far it really extends.
• Last August, a Russian mini-sub planted a tiny flag on the Arctic seabed in a symbolic gesture claiming the North Pole for Russia. Either that, or they were impaling a snow crab that had criticized Vladimir Putin. This show of brute yet tiny force led many to fear that the Arctic was theirs. But, turns out that mini-sub had Uncle Sam for a baby daddy.
• The first tip that he was naive: he had an plan for undersea Arctic tourism.
• Today Alaska’s grueling 1100-mile Iditarod dog-sled race ended and guess who won? Say it with me! American Lance Mackey!
• America, the Arctic must be ours. If the Pole falls into enemy hands, they could open the valve at the top and deflate the entire globe.
• Folks, my 434-part series, Better Know a District, was built on a misconception, I’m afraid. I thought our laws were written by lawmakers. But, like the best literature, *brings out ‘I Am America (And So Can You!)’* they are often crafted by ghostwriters.
• So tonight, I bring you the second installment in my 35,000-part series, Better Know a Lobby. Tonight: the drug lobby. The Fightin’ Stoners! *Audience cheers* Security will be checking your bags.
• Now, acid-dropping moon-doggies have been much in the news lately, what with yesterday’s revelation that Gilligan’s Island girl-next-door Mary Ann was busted for pot! No wonder they couldn’t find their way off that island!
• As you can tell, I have a bit of a cold today. Now, I’ve taken some Sudafed, and some Tylenol Sinus, and uh, I’m on Theraflu, and obviously some DayQuil.
• Nadelman: Seems to me like you’re a serious druggie.
• Stephen: No, those are all over-the-counter.
• Can you show me how to roll a really tight joint?
• War on Drugs: Great war, or the greatest war?
• We’ve got hundreds of thousands of people in jail, right now, because of the war on drugs.
• Nadelman: That’s right.
• Stephen: So you admit the war on drugs is working?
• Nadelman: No, no no no. For the people who are just using drugs, or for the people who are just selling marijuana or other herbals, I don’t think that should be a crime.
• Stephen: On the day you think you might win your little battle of freeing all these criminals from jail, please just give me, like, a two-week warning so I can build a panic room in my house for when your drug-addled zombies take to the streets, ruling the night and feasting on human flesh.
• Nadelman: Stephen, the drug war is built on a myth, that we can create a drug-free society. But there’s never been a drug-free society in human history!
• Stephen: The Eskimos.
• Nadelman: Actually, maybe the Eskimos, because they couldn’t grow anything. But apart from that –
• Stephen: So you want to give the Eskimos drugs.
• Nadelman: What?
• Stephen: You want to get the Eskimos high so they start harpooning their kids instead of walruses. Those are your words.
• Doc, I’ve got some sniffles. Can I stick a joint up each nostril?
• Oh, my wife is out of town, I’ll buy some medicinal whores.
• You know, when I go to the doctor and ask him for Viagra, he says, ‘Which friend is it for, because I could chip a tooth on that thing.’
• *Stephen singing a reggae song with a cold? Still got a beat.*
• Well, does anyone else have a sudden craving for an Entenmann’s chocolate iced golden holiday log cake?
• Now you’re a member of the media, but yet you are also a media critic. Isn’t that the fox watching the henhouse?
• Kurtz: I’m sort of like the internal affairs cop, Stephen. I know all the things that can go wrong in journalism because I’ve been in the business. And we bring people on my show, and I write about them in the Washington Post, and we ask them – we try to hold them accountable, exactly what they do to policitians. ‘Why did you do that? Why did you make that distinction? Why did you jump the gun? Why did you quote all those ‘unnamed sources’?’
• Stephen: And what do they say – ‘I don’t know?’
• The three big anchors still really matter, and I agree. Um, who are they again? Jessica Savitch, and Frank Reynolds, and Howard Beale, right?
• Kurtz: Let me walk you through it. Charlie Gibson.
• Stephen: Charlie Gibson! No, man! Charlie Gibson is like, he does ‘Good Morning America’! I thought he does game shows now!
• Kurtz: He came off the bench for ABC, and then there’s Brian Williams, you may have seen him on ‘Saturday Night Live’ –
• Stephen: Now, Brian Williams, Brian Williams – the guy with the tan?
• Kurtz: Katie Couric –
• Stephen: She does the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade! There’s no way that she’s anchoring the CBS news! That makes no sense.
• But they were wrong about her [Hillary] being inevitable, right? She was not inevitable – she is unkillable. You cannot stop her. You chop off her head, she’ll crawl toward you. Now, I think, I think, you know, in these dangerous days, that might be what we need in a president.
• Do you really think that late-night comedy shows should have any influence on what goes on in politics?
• But Barack Obama was the new story! But then he became the old new story, and not treating her well became the new new story, and the press not only got to talk about her, but talk about themselves, which is their favorite subject.
• Kurtz: Well, that is very meta of you.
• Stephen: But isn’t that the truth? The press got excited about being fair to Hillary ’cause they got to beat their own breast and say ‘Look about us!’
• That, that thrill is what you call ‘the Hardball.’
• Stephen: What if Obama went to prostitutes? Wouldn’t that bring the focus back to his campaign?
• Kurtz: Are you making reference here to Eliot Spitzer, perhaps? Your favorite guest?
• Stephen: Yes, yes, actually yes. By the way, in all fairness, do you go to prostitutes? Because, I guess most of my guests do.
• Kurtz: I don’t know anything about that.
• Stephen: It would sell a lot of books, Howie, come on.

Videos courtesy of Comedy Central
Spitzer Sandwich : Governor Eliot Spitzer’s appearance on the show was sandwiched between his illegal activities.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website

• Intro – 3/12/08 : Eliot Spitzer resigns as governor of New York. Where will he find comfort in this difficult time?
• Smokin’ Pole – Alaska: The Coast Guard has discovered that Alaska’s continental shelf is actually longer than we thought.
• Better Know A Lobby – Drug Lobby: Stephen gets doped up to interview Ethan Nadelmann of the Drug Policy Alliance.
• Interview – Howard Kurtz: Stephen asks Howard Kurtz if late night comedy shows should have any influence in politics.