Episode 4033 (03/11/2008)

“Hey, Blood Bank! That cookie sucked. I want my blood back. This is The Colbert Report!“

McCain in the Membrane: Tonight! I take another look at John McCain. You have to check in on him now and then to make sure he hasn’t dozed off.

• The Lip-Bite index of regret
• Stephen’s new line of greeting cards
• Conflicting feelings about McCain

The Wørd: Mr. Right Now

Euro Cash: Then, Colbert Platinum – my high end segment for wealthy viewers. Not to be confused with Colbert Aluminum, my low end segment for left over food.

• Colbert Platinum – International Edition
  • Art
  • Liechtenstein
  • Fake Ferraris

Cry Me A Rivera: And my guest is Geraldo Rivera. I’d like to remind the audience that the chairs are unattached and lightweight for easy throwing.

• Geraldo Rivera, Host of Fox News’ Geraldo at Large and author, HisPanic

In closing: Well, the show is over, America. Put down your pencils and pass your blue books to the front of the Nation. Good Night!

Guest Plug:
His Panic: Why Americans Fear Hispanics in the U.S.

NOTABLE MOMENTS, Video links, and more after the fold!

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Obviously, the big story, still, today, is Governor Eliot Spitzer’s involvement with a prostitution ring. And, you know what…. No! No, no, no! I’m sorry, but NO! We’re not going to be talking about it on this show. The man said he was sorry and I believed him. He is obviously sorry – you can tell by looking at something I call ‘the lip-bite index.’
• I first noticed it during the Bill Clinton Lewinsky scandal. See – he regrets his actions and he’s taking it out on his lower lip.
• Then there’s disgraced New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey. Right there! He’s even sorrier that he cheated on his wife with another man.
• Now take a look at Spitzer. He’s trying to swallow his own head. He clearly feels terrible.
• I would like to thank the Governor on behalf of husbands everywhere. It is not often that you walk in the door and say “Honey! I’m home! And I didn’t go to a prostitute.” and that gets you a hug.
• Guys, from now on it doesn’t matter how many birthdays, or anniversaries, or children’s names you forget. As long as you don’t go to prostitutes, you’re doing pretty good.
• I have created a new line of Spitzer inspired greeting cards sure to get you out of just about any jamb.
• Happy Belated Birthday. [I don't go to prostitutes]
• Happy Flag Day. [I didn't pay a woman to have sex... on a flag!]
• Okay. I DO go to prostitutes. [But I won't ask you to stand next to me while I admit it.]
• I have something personal that I really need to share with you and realy come to terms with myself. Nation, I have made no secret of my hatred for John McCain. [shaking fist at McCain's photo] I hate you! I hate you! Why can’t you be destroyed by a sex scandal?
• Now that he is the presumptive candidate for the Republican party, he is my only choice this Fall. Unless I write in the Green Lantern like I did in ’96.
• Last week I was in the salon getting a mani-pedi. Uh, it’s ok. It’s got the name “man” right in there. And I overheard two of the gals discussing an article from the Atlantic magazine. It’s called “Marry Him: The Case For Mr. Good Enough.“
• The Atlantic is giving women permission to give up on their dreams. Why wait for true love and the perfect man when he just might be a myth? [Centaurs Are Hung Like A Horse]
• The piece contains such uplifting gems as “don’t passion or intense connection”, “overlook his halitosis”, and “If I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I’m at the age where I’ll likely need to settle for someone who is settling for me…”
• The author makes a compelling case for becoming dead inside. [At Least, You'll Get Flowers]
• The fact is, most of the good guys are taken and, evidently, most of them are going to prostitutes.
• Maybe over these last few months of the Republican primary I’ve been too picky. Holding out for a knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. [And Sweep Out Immigrants]
• A candidate with the rifle toting swagger of a Teddy Roosevelt. Or the movie star John Wayne heroism of a Ronald Reagan. Or the comforting ropey mustache of a Chester A. Arthur.
• I guess I’ve been spoiled by President Bush. [So Has Our International Standing]
• That’s passion! Bush is the kind of guy who packs your bags and whisks you off to an exotic local. [Iraq]
• Sure, he forgets to pack a few key items like underwear, or a toothbrush. [Or Body Armor] And sure, he doesn’t think to buy return tickets, but, overall, it has been one long, crazy honeymoon. [Carried Us Way Over Threshold]
• Unfortunately, folks, the Constitution says it has to end. ["It's Not You, It's Term Limits"]
• Maybe, just maybe, McCain isn’t so bad. [*Stephen looks at McCain's photo and starts eating a pint of ice cream.*]
• He’s uh, you know, dependable. He’s been in the Senate for 20 years. We both hate terrorists, you know. That’s something we have in common. [A Match Made In Nine-Eleven]
• I bet he’s kind of a solid guy who takes out the garbage, and puts down the toilet seat, and stays in Iraq for 100 years. [Enjoys Long Walks In The Green Zone]
• Sure, he doesn’t have a lot of money and he’s not young, and he’s not dynamic. He’s not a great speaker and he’s got a bad temper. He’s from a dry climate and he’s got a reptilian air that reminds me of the albino alligator at the Miami Parrot Jungle. [Actually, that's David Caruso]
• [*Stepehn pulls out a bottle of Jameson and starts drinking.*] Oh, God. Ok. Everybody calm down. It’s going to be ok. He’s turning it around! News is, he’s getting advice now from sexy new friends – Karl Rove! Oh, he is dreamy.
• I guess I can see me and McCain together. What I’m saying, John McCain, is that if you ask, I’ll say yes. [But No Tongue]
• Sure, it won’t be a passionate embrace. But that doesn’t last long, anyway. So, John. Sweetheart. I guess I could learn to love you. But first, it’s time for me and my fellow True Conservatives to say good-bye to hating you. [Montage of 'True Conservative' pundits talking against McCain and then endorsing him.]
• This show is for the common man, but not all my viewers are in the Applebees set. Some are in the Jet-Set. They fly themselves to Applebees all over the world. You have not lived until you’ve had crispy fiesta wrappers in Dubai.
• This segment is for Colbert Platinum members only. If you have never hunted a man for sport, leave the room now. If you have, this segment should provide your quarry an appropriate lead time. [*looks at watch*] Go!
• The works were collected by the Shah, but after the Islamic Revolution, the Ayatollah banned them because a hostage could paint this thing blindfolded.
• Liechtenstein, which I believe is German for “like my stein.”
• German spies? Could it be my nemesis, Dr. Hans Maria von Klugg? Oh, von Klugg! I thought I dispatched you on that blimp ride over the Himalayas. You must have grabbed a parachute while I was showing you the door, then made it to civilization on yak back. We’ll have to settle this like gentlemen over bacharat in Monte Carlo.
• Until this spy story blows over, you’ll need a new place to hide your money. That’s why I’ve had my house declared an independent principality. My master bath, alone, is the size of Liechtenstein. And I am the King on that throne.
• I am sounding the Colbert Platinum alarm! [*clangs a spoon against a china tea cup*]
• I knew something was up when I only paid $200 for mine. It’s got tons of leg room, but I keep falling asleep at the wheels.
• Here’s how you sniff out a fake: take a pocket knife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood just behind the ornament. If it’s a real Ferrari, someone will kick your ass.
• You said that Lou Dobbs’ hammering on illegal immigration breeds an “Us” versus “Them” situation. Full disclosure – I’m definitely “Us”. Are you “Them”?
• Sir, you don’t smoke peyote. You chew it, then you throw up, then you get high.
• Do you know that word also breaks up into “Hi, Spa Nic”? Or “His pan? Ic!”
• Why can’t the Hispanics join us in blaming the Muslims? Then we could all be together.
• *Geraldo’s reaction to Stephen showing the “Old ladies slipping on ice” clip*
• I think you misspoke about me, but I agree with you about Stewart – that guy is a tool. He not only laughs at old ladies slipping on ice… you know what his favorite comedy is? Mystic River.
• Geraldo: I’ve changed my opinion about you. I feel now that you’re my Oprah.
• What changed your mind is the Colbert bump.
• So you won’t trim this [pointing to upper lip] but as a Jew you’ve trimmed that [pointing down].
• I want this to be the Number 1 book by Geraldo defending Hispanics.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit; Gray shirt with barrel cuffs. Gold tie with small medallion pattern; Red WristSTRONG bracelet.

Interview – Geraldo Rivera: Geraldo Rivera has had an “a-ha” moment that changed his opinion of Stephen.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website

• Intro – 3/11/08: You have to check in on John McCain now and then to make sure he hasn’t dozed off.
• Spitzer Greeting Cards: It is not often that a husband can get a hug from his wife just for not going to a prostitute.
• The Word – Mr. Right Now: Stephen learns to love the less-than-perfect Republican presidential candidate John McCain.
• Colbert Platinum – Liechtenstein: Did Stephen’s nemesis, Dr. Hans Maria Von Klugg, expose this European tax haven?
• Show’s Over, America: Stephen announces that the show has ended.