Episode 4031 (03/06/2008)

“Daylight Savings Time starts Sunday. Maybe that’ll get us out of this daylight debt crisis. This is The Colbert Report!“

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Protect America Axed: “Tonight: House Democrats refuse to renew a wiretapping bill. Sounds like someone’s got something to hi-ide!”

• The Wørd: AT & Treason

Raging Dr. Colbert: “Then, news about cholesterol you don’t want to miss. Unless you’re having a heart attack, in which case, go to the hospital.”

• Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

Legend Meets Legend: “And my guest tonight is soul singer John Legend. Careful ladies, don’t look directly into my eyes when I’m looking directly into his eyes.”

• John Legend and Stephen Colbert perform ‘The Girl is Mine‘ together

In closing: (Stephen singing with John Legend) Good night!

Guest Plug: John Legend Live from Philadelphia

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• *Toss: Hillary Rodham/Saddam Clinton*
• Folks, it’s been over 24 hours since John McCain got the Republican nomination, and that is… fine. Sure, I’ve punched a couple of holes in my office wall, and my office workers.
• A hot dog lunch?! Alone with the president! That is not fair. It is my lifelong dream to have a private presidential hot dog lunch! Mr. Bush knows I want to break dog with him! I have written him dozens of letters! Look at this! Gotta mail some of them. And it has been in the opening of my show for years!
• *Clip of new Colbert Report opening phrase: “PRESIDENT BUSH HAVE A HOT DOG LUNCH WITH ME”*
• I-I-I even have this recurring dream, okay. Here’s the dream: I’m on the White House tour with my family, and somehow I get separated from the group. Suddenly there’s a firm hand on my shoulder. I turn around, it’s President Bush. “You look lost,” he says. “And hungry.”
• I nod silently, and he leads me into a wood-paneled room just off the Lincoln Bedroom. “But Mr. President!” I say. “This isn’t on the tour!”
• “Of course not,” he says. “This is the private room, where presidents eat their hot dogs.” He presses a button and out slides a silver tray holding one glistening frank. The president turns to me and says, “Looks like we’re gonna have to share.” Jimmy, I believe we have a picture of that. I have my graphics department illustrate all my dreams.
• Well I hope you enjoy your hot dog, Senator McCain! The only dream I have left now is my presidential apple pie rubdown.
• Nation, I don’t know if you’ve noticed this recently, but we’re all going to die.
• The members of Donk-Quaeda have used their House majority to block the renewal of the Protect America Act, which, as the name clearly states, empowers the NSA to tap your phones without a warrant.
• By not passing the Protect America Act, the Demon-crats are placing in grave danger the safety of millions of innocent American dollars.
• Which brings us to tonight’s Wørd: AT & Treason. You see, folks, the biggest way that the Protect America Act would protect America is by granting retroactive immunity to the telecom companies that help the government violate their customers’ so-called privacy. Without immunity, they could get their pants sued off them. [Ma Bell Bottoms]
• These companies, these companies, folks, are American heroes. When the president needed help, they reported for duty. [By Reporting Everybody]
• Now, now folks, they need our help. But the Democrat Congress refuses to give them the protection they deserve under the law. [Technically, Above It]
• If telecom companies can’t tap your phone with immunity, our intelligence services miss intercepting millions of potential terrorist phone calls and text messages. [Allah is Gr8]
• Now luckily, luckily, the House Republican Minority has launched a campaign to urge passage of Protect America with this brave commercial. *House Republican Conference commerical* Finally, an answer to the question, what if Abraham Lincoln wrote an episode of ’24′? [Crazy Terrorist Actually Mary Todd]
• But, Nation, that commerical is evidently not scary enough. But luckily, telecom companies have given us the perfect weapon to scare the sweet and sour bejesus out of the American people: the telephone itself. Jimmy? [Clips of terror movies involving phones]
• Oh-oh! Oh, that last one there caught me by surprise. If the phone companies really want immunity, here’s how they need to scare us. Make one of those robo-calls where a celebrity gives you a personalized promotional phone message. In this case the message is fear, and the celebrity is Osama bin Laden. “Hello, Stephen! I hope you are enjoying your job in media and entertainment. If the Protect America Act is not renewed, I will blow up your suburban house, your Buick LeSabre, and your SeaDoo jetski. Allah is better than Jesus. Death to America! Goodbye!”
• Nation, call your Congressman and tell them you want America to be protected. In fact, call anyone. The right people will be listening. [Can You Bug Me Now?] And that’s the Wørd.
• *Livejournal user morelen cracked me up: IDK my BFF osama?*
• Folks, it’s no secret, I’m against universal health care. Health care for the entire universe? Why should my tax dollars pay for Pluto’s planet reassignment surgery?
• As always, Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Remember, you can’t spell ‘People of the United States vs. Prescott Pharmaceuticals’ without Prescott Pharmaceuticals.
• First up, Surgery. According to the USA Today, hospitals are running out of surgeons.
  But I know there is no shortage of skilled surgeons in this country, and you would know it too, if you’ve ever had too many highballs and woken up the next morning in a bathtub full of ice with this written on the mirror: ‘Thanks for the kidney’. Very polite, very polite to thank.
• But why spend all that money? My motto is, if you can cut a steak, you can remove a gall bladder.
• And now you can, thanks to Prescott Pharmaceuticals’ Heal Thyself Home Surgery Kit. Got everything you need. Comes with a scalpel, comes with sutures, surgical gauze (scotch tape)… and surgical instructions. Though these actually look to be for a plasma TV. Ah, you know what, most of the parts are the same. Plus, when you’re done, you get free HBO.
• Up next: heart health. Now, I watch my cholesterol closely because my diet is very high in partially hydrogenated goose margarine.
• Evidently, P-fizer misrepresented the credentials of Jarvik, because in the ads, they call him a doctor, while in fact, he is not licensed to practice medicine.
• In the good fake-doctor’s own words, you don’t have to be a doctor. And he’s not, and I appreciate that kind of secret honesty.
• They said the same thing about me when I did those ads for Bulk Up Whey Protein.
• Now Nation, just to be clear, my defense of Jarvik is not an endorsement of Lipitor. It is an endorsement of Vaxator. The only anti-cholesterol drug recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. Vaxator removes cholesterol in your arteries, as well as hair and soap scum. Order within the next 24 hours, and you’ll get a free heart defibrillator. (A toilet plunger) Side effects on Vaxator may include lactose addiction, X-ray hearing, and prolonged erections, but… not where you’d hope.
• Well that’s it for Cheating Death, brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, guaranteed to preserve your body for decades. Internal organs not included. Until next time, I’ll see YOU in HEALTH!
• You’re not gonna get that kind of reaction at an Obama rally, my friend.
• Stephen: You got five Grammys. I just wanna put my bona fides, I got two Peabodys and four Emmys.
• Legend: And I was prom king… what about you?
• *Stephen lays his head down on the table… oh snap!* All right, all right, fair enough, fair enough. Now your whole life is like prom king. You know, tuxedos and glitter and theme photography.
• Legend: Yes. Polka-dot bow tie and vest.
• Stephen: That’s a hot look.
• I promise you tomorrow this will be the number one live recording from Philadelphia. This will be the Mike Huckabee of live albums from Philadelphia.
• When you see him [Obama], do you go, ‘Hey Spoken Word!’ Does he say, ‘Hey, Best New Artist!’?
• There’s an accusation of, like, there’s a sort of, he’s kind of mixing religion and politics here, there’s a spiritual aspect of what he’s doing – which I’m fine with, ’cause I don’t think we should separate church and state. But there’s a messianic quality to what he’s doing, I mean look at the cover of Rolling Stone right there. ‘A New Hope.’ They didn’t quite finish the angel wings in the background.
• Evidently, Barack Obama does not have the ability to answer the telephone. I mean, if you listen to the Clinton people, he can’t feed himself.
• Stephen: Why would you want to change America? America is a beautiful lady, my friend! You do not say to your special lady, hey honey, could you change, please? Could you lose a few pounds?
• Legend: Maybe you do.
• Stephen: Really? Are you in a relationship right now?
• Legend: Yes.
• Stephen: You are? I recommend you don’t say, ‘hit the gym, honey.’ But aren’t you going to say to Lady Liberty, ‘you know, that torch makes you look fat.’
• Legend: The thing is, some people think patriotism is just believing that everything America does is perfect, and there’s nothing we need to change. But I think true patriotism is about making honest critiques of the country and trying to make it better. Because if you don’t want to make it better, how can you say you love the country?
• Stephen: Well, I’m just saying, okay, okay.
• Legend: I love this country.
• Stephen: You love this country? I love this country.
• Legend: No, no, let me tell you, I love this country.
• Stephen: I think I love this country more than you love this country.
• Legend: Impossible, impossible.
• Stephen: You – will you stick around?
• Legend: Yes, I’ll stick around.
• Stephen: When we come back, we’ll settle who loves Lady Liberty more. Stick around.
• *Legend sings ‘The Girl Is Mine‘; Stephen appears in a snappy black shirt and white vest to sing with him, and are those Converse sneakers?*
• Stephen: She’s mine, John.
• Legend: No, she’s mine, Stephen.
• Stephen: You wanna fight about it?
• Legend: I’m a lover, not a fighter.
• Stephen: I will kick your prom king a**.
• Legend: ♫ Don’t waste your time ♫
• Both: ♫ The doggone girl is mine . . . ♫
• Closing image:

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Fangirl Suit Report: Grey suit; White shirt with French cuffs; Black tie with white dots; Red WristSTRONG bracelet. Song outfit: Black short-sleeved button-down shirt, unbuttoned white vest, undone white bow tie, Black pants, Converse sneakers

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Videos courtesy of Comedy Central

• The Girl Is Mine: Stephen and John Legend fight over Lady Liberty.
• Intro – 3/06/08: House Democrats refuse to renew a wire tapping bill – sounds like someone’s got something to hide.
• Hot Dog with the President: John McCain ruined Stephen’s life-long dream of eating a hot dog lunch with George Bush.
• Word – AT & Treason: Get on the phone and say you support the Protect America Act – the right people will be listening.
• Cheating Death – Surgery: Stephen’s motto has always been: if you can cut a steak you can remove a gall bladder.
• John Legend: John Legend explains that true patriotism involves honest critiques and a willingness to change.