“Forget the wind. The answer, my friend, is blowin’ out my mouth. This is The Colbert Report!“

Dems The Breaks: Tonight! Barack sees his shadow. Seven more weeks of Primaries.

  • Brett Favre retires from something.
  • Mike Huckabee retires from the Republican Primaries.
  • Will the Democrats tear themselves apart?

Special Guest: Robert Reich – author, Supercapitalism: The Transformation of Business, Democracy, and Everyday Life. Former Secretary of Labor under President Bill Clinton.

He-Man Woman Helper’s Club: Then, raising women’s self esteem. Does it make them look fat?

Rodriguest: And my guest, Gregory Rodriguez, says Mexicans will change the way we think about race. From now on, where thinking in Spanish.

  • Gregory Rodriguez – author, Mongrels, Bastards, Orphans, and Vagabonds

In closing: Before we go, Nation, I have some sad news. Yesterday, Gary Gygax, creator of Dungeons & Dragons, passed away at age 69. Gary, you’ll be missed. How much will you be missed? [Rolls D&D die] 20. May your prismatic spray always bypass your target’s reflex saving throw.

Guest Plug:
Robert Reich:

Gregory Rodriguez:

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • I want to take a moment to pay tribute to a great American hero – Brett Fav-re, who announced yesterday that he is retiring from… whatever it is he did. I don’t follow… sports?
  • Just to give you an idea of the impact of this man’s career, ok? 61,655. Wow. That is a lot of something.
  • Brett Fav-re. You are a credit to your thing. And I assume you will be missed.
  • I don’t want to have to say Hucka-bye.
  • I’m not saying the Republican’s should have nominated Reagan’s reanimated corpse. I just didn’t want it to be John McCain’s reanimated corpse.
  • Last night Hillary Clinton pulled off major victories in Texas and Ohio, leaving Senator Obama sputtering incoherently. [Clip of Obama saying “Si, se puede.”
  • Analysts say the turning point came when Clinton planted serious doubts in the minds of voters about whether Barack Obama could answer a phone.
  • It’s a horse race, again. A vicious, brutal horse race with razor sharp claws instead of hooves.
  • Guam, prepare to be relevant.
  • It will all come down to a brokered convention where the superdelegates, unable to decide between Clinton and Obama, will ultimately pick the dark horse candidate – that CNN touchscreen computer. Once it becomes self-aware, human candidates won’t be able to compete with it’s encyclopedic knowledge of America’s counties. Especially once it picks a Diebold machine as it’s running mate.
  • If we were at a restaurant together and the waiter brought around the dessert cart and the choice was lady-fingers or Black Forest cake, which way do you think you would lean?
  • Let me put this a different way. If I were a waiter, and I were to offer you two different slices of pizza and one was half Hawaiian and you weren’t entirely sure what it was going to taste like, and the other was plain with cheese and had been under a heat lamp for 35 years – I mean, it had seen everything – which would you go for?
  • Which movie would you rent – Big Mama’s House or Madea’s Family Reunion? Be careful – they are both about strong women who are actually Black men.
  • If this campaign does destroy the Democratic party, doesn’t that just meant that the Free Market has spoken?
  • One last time. You’re looking at your Easter basket. What do you want to find? Chocolate bunny or marshmallow chick?
  • Man is an imperfect creature, but at least man refuses to live with the imperfections of women.
  • This Saturday is International Women’s Day – and, apparently, International Shower Curtain Ring Day. The one day a year we shouldn’t be accepting women just for who they are.
  • *Faces Blurred to Protect Us From a Lawsuit*
  • Jason, America’s women would like to thank you for allowing them to proudly proclaim, “Hey! My eyes are up here.”
  • My guest tonight has written a book called Mongrels, Bastards, Orphans, and Vagabonds, which was also one of Cher’s biggest hits.
  • I’m pure. I’m pure, 100% American. You can cut me open and slice the rings.
  • They prefer “Norte”.
  • Where do they get off getting to be any race? I have to be White, but you can be anything you want? That’s hardly fair. Where’s the “oppression” I hear so much about?
  • How many are from Hispania? Not that many, eh?
  • Disaggregate? I hope that word is just a rental because it’s a costly word.
  • Once we do disaggregate… I mean, how many more parades is that going to lead to? How many parades are we going to have to exclude gay people from?
  • Am I going to look at a Chinese guy differently… who might be from Korea, by the way.
  • Do you think we will ever, in this country, be ready for a president who is “other”?
  • Is it this point of view that has led to Tex-Mex cuisine?
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit; Cream shirt with barrel cuffs; Burgundy tie with deep gray stripes; Red WristSTRONG bracelet.

Videos courtesy of Comedy Central