“I’m no fan of March Madness, but it sure beats February syphilis. This is The Colbert Report!“
The Old Man and the Siege: Tonight, John McCain yells at Barack Obama. To be fair, Obama was on McCain’s lawn.
- William Donohue is outraged for Stephen.
- McCain and Obama argue about Iraq.
The Wørd: Experience
Paint Misbehavin’: And I take on American Graffiti. After that, THX 1138.
- Howard Dean phones Stephen
- Nailed ‘em: Natalie, the 6 year old graffiti punk
Hot & Sour Stephen: Plus, my guest tonight is Jennifer 8 Lee, author of a book on Chinese food. This interview will have plenty of MSG – Me Shouting at Guest.
- Jennifer 8 Lee, author – The Fortune Cookie Chronicles
In closing: That’s it for the show. And to my dear friend, Howard Dean, Bye!
Guest Plug:
The Fortune Cookie Chronicles: Adventures in the World of Chinese Food
NOTABLE MOMENTS, Video links, and more after the fold!
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- That is so stirring that I want to pledge allegiance to you.
- Texas and Ohio are voting today in what the media is calling the final chapter in the Democratic primary process – that is, until the media calls Pennsylvania the final chapter in the Democratic primary process.
- I am so excited about following these returns that I am not following these returns – I am TiVoing CNN at home. I like to touch my TV screen whenever John King touches his TV screen. It’s like he’s controlling the election and I’m controlling him.
- Let’s talk about John McCain – I can actually see myself growing to like him… [shaking fist at McCain's image] though I hate you!
- Man, I wish this guy [Hagee] could have been alive in the late 15th century Spain.
- As I could Christian, I have to turn the other cheek, but my guest does not. So, here to express my outrage for me is the President of the Catholic league and friend of the show, William Donohue.
- It’s my favorite part of the campaign season, when candidates start reaching across the aisle with their first tentative bitch slaps.
- If al Qaeda? Senator, you know the old saying: “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we’d already be bombing Iran.”
- I have some news for both of them; Angelina is totally preggers, again.
- It’s ancient history. Who knows who invaded Iraq? I don’t. In fact, Senator Obama, if you keep complaining about the war, I’m going to have to conclude that he who smelt it dealt it.
- Senator McCain is running on one thing. [Lipitor?]
- Look at the man. Clearly, he has 100′s of years of experience. And yet, when you question his record, he says this: “I want to make it very clear: this is not about decisions that were made in the past.”
- Now, “decisions that were made in the past” are how people without experience define experience. [Also, People With Dictionaries] So, how can McCain claim to be more qualified as a candidate because of his experience yet also claim that any history of bad decisions is irrelevant? [Because Huckabee Is Unelectable] Easy. Experience.
- He’s experienced enough to know that some experience is relevant, like the fact that he has experience. While other experience, like his previous experiences, are irrelevant. [Been There, Forgot That]
- But, there is an easier way to say it. Jim. [Montage of clips of McCain saying "we are where we are now"] Now, for all those Obama maniacs out there, when John McCain says we are where we are now, I don’t just take his word for it. I verify it. With my Whereometer.
- I made this from an old Scientology e-meter. I do not need it anymore now that I am a Clear. [Thetan-Free Since '03]
- This “We Are Where?” needle measures where we are. As you can see, presently, we are where we are. Now, this where we were segment, that’s experience. It can not be questioned. Because we’re not there. That’s why they call this ex-perience. Like Ex-Wife. [Don't Ask McCain About Her Either]
- Also, it doesn’t make sense to ask McCain where he’ll take us when we are where we will be because we’re not there, either. [Like Bob Dylan]
- OK? We are where we are. This is where McCain says we can question him. [Also On "The Daily Show"]
- We can question him only in the pastless and futureless present. This infinitely thin slice of existance. This zero-dimensional theoretical plot point of the now, where eternity intersects time.
- And if that’s what he’s saying, the question is not “Senator, how did you vote?” or “Senator, when will be withdraw?” but “Senator McCain, are you high?” [Are You Experienced?]
- I am not peeking at the returns until I can watch them tonight in my tub. Oh, this is hard. This is harder than giving up mirrors for Lent.
- Stephen: Dr. Dean, how did you get this number?
- Howard Dean: Bono gave it to me.
- Stephen: Is this really you? Say something that only you would say.
- Dean: I think the Democrats can win in Utah!
- Dean: I really wanted to share this with somebody. I guess I can call Jimmy Kimmel.
- Did Ronald Reagan rise from the grave and steal the nomination from both Hillary and Obama?
- *Stephen’s reaction to Howard Dean’s “Bye”*
- I say, if you’re wearing an orange jumpsuit you are guilty… of a fashion crime.
- It does more than put the justice system under a magnifying glass – it tries to light the Constitution on fire.
- Natalie’s a calcium sulphate junkie.
- Evidently, there’s something in George’s bedroom the government should check out.
- While the sanitation department was to late to save the mortgage crisis, one 6-year old has learned an important lesson.
- I have a beef with your book … I have a beef with broccoli with your book.
- We can just do this in Mandarin, because I speak Mandarin, also.
- Now, I didn’t catch all of that – something about your book in there? It’s probably Cantonese that I know.
- I eat an entire apple pie before I come on this show. I play baseball and eat apple pie. I play baseball with apple pie.
- Let me ask you about General Tso – what did those chickens do to him to make him so upset?
Fangirl Suit Report: Black pinstriped suit; White shirt with French cuffs; Black tie with silver square-dot pattern; Red WristSTRONG bracelet.
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s shiny new Colbert Report website
- Intro – 3/4/08: John McCain yells at Barack Obama — to be fair, he was on McCain’s lawn.
- William Donohue: William Donohue expresses Stephen’s outrage at Pastor John Hagee’s anti-Catholic bigotry.
- The Word – Experience: Stephen uses his Where-o-Meter to prove that John McCain is where he is.
- Howard Dean: Howard Dean phones Stephen to give him a cheerful update on the primaries.
- Nailed ‘Em – Graffiti Punk: The New York City Sanitation Department has nailed a six-year-old calcium sulfate junkie.
- Interview – Jennifer 8 Lee: Jennifer 8. Lee tells Stephen that Americans eat Chinese food more often than they eat apple pie.
- To Howard Dean: Stephen gives his friend Howard Dean a special goodbye.
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