Hey! Alternating current! Why don’t you just admit you’re bi? This is The Colbert Report!

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McCain Mutiny: “Tonight, at a John McCain rally, controversy erupts. As do several hernias.”

• Senator McCain apologizes for remarks made against Barack Obama
• The return of the Threatdown! Monopoly, Richard Branson, Bankruptcy, John McCain, and…

Caffeine-Free: “Then, Starbucks closes every one of its stores for three hours. They needed the time to open up 10,000 new stores.”

• Stephen faces the ugly truth of his addiction to Starbucks. They tried to make him go to rehab, he said, no, no, no…

Pressed Secretary: “Plus, I sit down with former White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. I’ll ask him what gross things Scott McLellan left in his desk.”

• Guest Tony Snow, former White House Press Secretary

In closing: Well that’s the show, everybody. Stay golden, Ponyboy. And that is not a reference to the Outsiders. I actually have a friend who’s half boy, half Pony. Now THAT is an outsider. Goodnight.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• (In response to the audience) Oh, I love you so much, so much! What’s not to like about that? You are a cheap date.
• Big news out of Cincinnati. And for the first time in modern memory, it is not about Nick Lachey. No, this time it is about John McCain. Oh, I hate him so much! I have always hated him, going all the way back to when Rush Limbaugh told me to hate him.
• I am irresistibly drawn to anything The New York Times attacks, which is how I got hooked on tainted beef. *pulls out hamburger, nearly chokes on it* That is salmonella-y. Gotta eat the hamburger in rehearsal next time.
• “When he gets done with you, all you’re going to have in your pocket is change!” HAHAHAHAHA I don’t get that. But the Bill Cunningham wit-nado was just touching down. Jimmy? “Barack Hussein Obama! Barack Hussein Obama!” HAHAHAHA there are two different kinds of change.
• Senator, at long last, have you no balls?
• Your next logical political move is to point out that his daughters’ names are Uday and Qusay. Isn’t that correct? Yes, yes, no one is telling me that I’m right.
• Threat number five: Monopoly. Now I love Monopoly, because it’s a great tool for teaching kids the value of demolishing cheap housing to make way for luxury hotels.
• Instead of beautiful all-American towns like Atlantic City, the lead contenders are now godforsaken cesspools like Gdynia, Poland, or Izmir, Turkey, or San Francisco! By the way, when you win second prize in a beauty contest there, you lost to a dude named Jasmine.
• What’s worse, this international Molop- Monolop- I can’t even say it anymore, I’m so angry! This international Monopoly threatens the American monopoly on highly specialized versions of Monopoly. Like National Parks Monopoly, Wineopoly, and Monopolyopoly. Where every square is a different version of Monopoly.
• Oh and by the way, why is there no Stephen Colbopoly? Get on that, Hasbro! No free parking!
• Threat number four: Richard Branson. Last August, I thought I had neutralized him for good. But last week, Branson announced that his Virgin Airlines will be the first ever powered by biofuel. This is a personal threat to me, because Branson named one of his planes after me: Air Colbert.
• Listen, Sir Dick. My plane runs on the same fuel I do: pure anger. Putting biofuel into an plane is like not feeding cattle other ground-up cattle. It’s unnatural.
• You cannot fuel an airplane with shaving cream! The most you’re allowed to bring on the plane is three ounces! Think! So Branson, fill those tanks with gas, and save the Barbasol for that orange sea-urchin you got dangling off your chin.
• Threat number three: Bankruptcy. Some sad news, folks. The Sharper Image is filing for bankruptcy protection. Nation, this is a threat to us all. Any broker will tell you, as goes the Panasonic Real-Pro Ultra Total Body Massage Lounger, so goes the economy.
• *Stephen, you gotta balance the R2-D2 Interactive Droid on all three wheels.*
• Command mode: Move forward one unit. *R2-D2 beeps and whistles* Hey R2! Sell my stock in Sharper Image!
• Threat number two: John McCain. Rrrgh! First he backstabs a guy for noting that Barack Obama is probably a terrorist, and now, look at his ad for so-called wasteful spending.
• I am sure we spend twice that much every year replacing our stolen picinick baskets. Now I know why I hate John McCain – he is soft on grizzlies. And I don’t want to spread any rumors here, but I have heard that McCain fathered an illegitimate black bear cub.
• And the number one threat facing America… when we return. We’ll be right back. *As they go to commercial* Switcheroo! Switcheroo!
• *Editor’s note: I love that mini-Threatdown squeal.*
• The number-one threat facing America: Starbucks. If the friendly friends over at Fox and Friends weren’t such good friends of mine, I would have been furious at them yesterday for bringing me this unfriendly news.
• That’s right. Yesterday all the Starbucks in America closed for three hours, from 5:30 to 8:30. Cinammon pumpkin powder went unsprinkled and the only place you could hear Paul McCartney’s ‘Memory Almost Full’ was nowhere.
• Folks, folks, this was a coffee embargo, pure and simple by the Starbucks cartel, or as I call them, the Seattle Saudis. But just as America would handle an oil shortage, I handled this caffeine crisis with aplomb. Jimmy?
• *You know what? You’re just going to have to watch the clip yourself (below). It involves an elliptical machine, smoking coffee cups, intern abuse, chains, and the inappropriate use of both whipped cream and cinnamon pumpkin powder. Your mileage may vary, but this made me cringe. Stephen’s so good at finding that line of too much… like the whipped cream… and crossing it.*
• You helped launch the WristStrong bracelet. *Tony Snow shows him his bracelet* No way! That is nice. The man walks it.
• The press came after you all the time over things that they thought they ‘had the right to know.’ Did that ever make you angry, did you ever want to just jack-slap David Gregory into next week?
• Tony: One time I accused Gregory of being partisan, and he got beaten up by the press by about a whole week, but the answer is no. Actually, the one guy I snapped at was Ed Henry of CNN.
• Stephen: Oh, I know Ed. He’s a tool.
• Tony: He was asking about 58 questions, he didn’t quite know what he wanted to get at, so he just was going at it –
• Stephen: Fishing expedition.
• Tony: Fishing expedition. So I told him to zip it.
• Stephen: Wow. Wow. Did he?
• Tony: Uh, no.
• Stephen: Aw, so close.
• Tony: What he did do, was make a T-shirt though, that said, ‘Zip it, Henry’ so I’ve got a ‘Zip it, Henry’ T-shirt somewhere.
• You were a legitimate journalist going out there, walking the beat. At what point did you say to yourself, ‘This is worthless.’?
• Tony: Never. I mean, I loved being a journalist. But on the other hand, I liked the president, and they had to spend a lot of time talking me into being press secretary. I thought, why on earth do I want to go in there and get clubbed like a baby seal?
• *Stephen laughs* Did anybody try to make you into a coat? By the way, if anybody in the administration is watching, you only have to ask me once. I would do it in a minute.
• You actually said that the White House was the happiest place you’ve ever worked. Did you ever work on death row?
• He’s not that unpopular. Latest polls have his approval rating at 19 percent. Which is low for a president, but very high for a fetish.
• You are sitting in on the ‘O’Reilly Radio Factor’ on Fridays. Why you, not me? If anybody should be sitting in for Papa Bear, don’t you think that should be me? Let’s hear you say ‘left-wing loon.’

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, Dove grey shirt with French cuffs, Pale yellow spotted tie, WristStrong bracelet.

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Videos courtesy of Comedy Central MotherLoad

• McCain Mutiny: At a John McCain rally controversy erupts – as do several hernias.
• McCain Rally: Senator, at long last have you no balls?
• Threatdown – Air Colbert: Sir Richard Branson, fuel that jet with gas and save the shaving cream for your face!
• Threatdown – Starbucks: Stephen handled the three-hour caffeine crisis with great aplomb.

Tony Snow: Stephen is jealous that Tony Snow is filling in for Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly.

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Related posts

• Episode 6040 (3/18/2010)
• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)