Episode 4024 (2/14/2008)

Hey, Cupid! Put on some damn pants! No one wants to see baby bits. This is The Colbert Report!

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Who Framed Roger Clemens: “Tonight, Roger Clements testifies before Congress about whether he uses human growth hormones. Then he crushes Congress with his bare hands.”

• Who’s Riding My Coattails Now?
• Roger Clemens
• Desk Guest: John Feinstein – Sports Writer, Washington Post

I Sunk Your Destroyer: “Then, the people who are destroying America will feel my wrath. Unfortunately, my wrath is very comfy.”

• The People Destroying America

The Secret of Nimoy: “And my guest, Leonard Nimoy, has a new book of nude photographs., but I swear, I’m only interviewing him for the articles.

• Leonard Nimoy – Author, “The Full Body Project”

In closing: Before we go, folks, let’s play Charades. [waves] Give up? I was ‘The Beverly Hillbillies’. Good night!

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
  For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
  Shall be my brother.
• The answer, Yes, I will be your valentine.
• Cynics say that this is just a manufactured holiday, created to make you buy candy, cards, and roses. But romatics know that that crap gets you a lot of nookie.
• Hey, Germany! This isn’t just coattail riding, this is a coattail Anschluss. Look it up.
• I occasionally do Ricola ads.
• Herr Pocher claims to be a German comedian, but we all know there’s no such thing. Take a look at his so-called comedy. [Video with bizarre imitation of English speaker]. First of all, he stole that bit from Dane Cook. I’ve got one thing to say (pulls hair in face and makes Hitler mustache out of pen] Oliver Pocher, Sie sind auf Nachricht. [YOU ARE ON NOTICE!]
• *Editor’s Note: Thank you Babelfish.*
• God, that makes me so angry! Just look at my face at how angry I am! No, it’s not just that … I’ve got ‘Roid Rage. Everybody here knows that I’m juicing.
• I’ve got to hand it to the congressional Democrats. They may not be able to do anything about the war or torture or domestic spying, but they can tear into a baseball player like a pirahna stripping a cow.
• I certainly hope that applause was for Clemens’s ass. Because it is magnificent.
• Now before you go eeeew, I want to defend [former trainer Brian] McNamee here, ok? I save all the medical waste from my old jobs. Now for instance, this is Jon Stewart’s catheter. You see right there? During the 2000 Florida recount, the man never left his desk. Yeah, I’m breaking that right here, Jon Stewart wears a pee bag. I’ll put that on eBay.
• And here’s a little memento of a Brazilian Wax I gave Rob Corddry. [After huge Ew audience reaction] Hey, there are other shows to watch right now. I’m not making you stay.
• From John Feinstein interview:
• Even if he was taking [HGH], is that such a bad thing? Because he was a famous pitcher, Sy Young winner, and if his career was going down, he could have become what no one wants, which is a belly itcher. He had to stay a pitcher.
• Stephen:This woman doesn’t want her daughter to be happy. What’s worse, she doesn’t want your children to be happy either. She’s Susan Pagan. That’s right, Pagan. Pagan: “I’m Susan Pay-GONE.” Stephen: “That’s right, Pagan.”
• McBuzzKill
• Wait, who does she remind me of?
• *Editor’s Note: HAHAHAHAH!*
• And now an important message from Stephen Colbert: The Colbert Report is in no way suggesting that eating McDonald’s food will cause diabetes or early death. Besides, [bites into a burger] And I got a toy! Jimmy, go back, I’m done.
• McCommunist
• From the Leonard Nimoy interview:
• Stephen: Here’s my problem with it, mister. Society has agreed what beautiful is. Blonde, thin, big tits, ok? This is questioning what society has agreed upon. What other part of society do you want to just chuck out, mister?
• Stephen: What you’re saying, what I seem to hear you saying, or see you saying, is that everybody’s beautiful. Nimoy: That’s absolutely true, that’s right, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Stephen: What kind of message is that? There’s nothing to shoot for, then.
• Stephen: Let me ask you something, you’re taking all these nude pictures of these ladies, ok, and making a buck off of them, ok. I’m not going to call you a pornographer, I’m just going to say you’re making money off of other people’s nude bodies. Let me ask you something, Len. Ok? Can I call you Len? Nimoy: Please do. Stephen: You got any nude pictures of Len in this book, Len? No? Why not, Len? Where’s the nude pictures of you? I thought everybody was beautiful, huh? Come on, show a little skirt.
• Nimoy: This book would be appropriate on every coffee table in the entire United States. Stephen: You are not invited to my home, sir.
• Nimoy: A recent study showed that girls are choosing oral sex over the other kind because they don’t have to show their bodies, they don’t have to take their clothes off. They’re concerned about their body image because they don’t look like the standard that you worship. Stephen: I want you to know I did not grow up with those young girls. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray pinstripe shirt, Crisp white shirt with barrel cuffs, Republican Red solid satin tie.

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Videos courtesy of Comedy Central MotherLoad

• Riding My Coattails – Pocher: So-called German comedian Oliver Pocher is on notice!
• Clemens Hearing: Just Like Brian McNamee, Stephen also keeps medical waste as mementos.
• John Feinstein: John Feinstein worries that the steroid using professionals are influencing America’s teen atheletes.
• Destroying America – Happy Meal: Susan Pagan denied her daughter a free Happy Meal from McDonald’s.

Leonard Nimoy