Episode 4022 (02/12/2008)

Segment 1: Superdelegates

• First guest: Governor Eliot Spitzer

Segment 2: The Potomac Primary

• Second guest: Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes-Norton

Segment 3: Main guest: Lisa Randall, PhD (Theoretical Physicist, Harvard University)

In closing: Well folks, it’s been fun, but I think once is enough. We’ll see you tomorrow night.

• *Dance-fighting! Yes! Somebody’s pumped tonight!*
• In the words of Ric Flair the Nature Boy, WOO!
• The Mike Huckabee juggernaut, or the Huckanaut, just keeps rolling down the hill, crushing everybody in their path. You know, there area a couple of wobbly wheels on the Huckanaut, uh, evidently it is mathematically impossible for him to become the nominee of the Republican party but he has said himself, he did not major in math; he majored in not-evolution.
• No, he is going to bring math up to God standards! Miracles.
• I’ll answer that one! No, he would not ask John McCain to be his running mate! He faces this question all the time!
• Obligation! Boom! Come on, Mike! Come on! We can do it! We can do it! Someone change the laws of math.
• [To McCain's photo] I hate this guy! I hate you! I don’t even know why I hate you! As soon as I find out, ooh I’m gonna let you have it.
• The fact that he is still winning even though the big right-wing radio talkers are against him have a lot of people questioning the influence of Rush. [Rush - Tom Sawyer] Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, stop. Not that Rush. This Rush, okay. This Rush is opposing McCain, and McCain is still winning. Leading a lot of people to ask, you know, ‘is Rush still living in the limelight?’ [Rush - 'Limelight'] JIMMY! Jimmy! Jimmy, that’s enough! Jimmy, stop! I apologize. As you can see, my director is a big fan of Rush. He has Geddy Lee posters all over his office.
• Why are the Washington Post and the New York Times not held up to the same high journalistic standards we expect of Rush Limbaugh?
• Need I remind you that this past weekend, the Grammy for best album went to Herbie Hancock – out of nowhere he won this thing!
• Oh – and who recently put out a Herbie Hancock tribute video? [Youtube clip of Rush Limbaugh doing his Michael J. Fox impersonation - which Stephen has mentioned before] He has got some moves. I think that just might be my favorite break-dancing move. You’ll read all about it on the blogs.
• *Editor’s note: Word.*
• Now, Obama has racked up some very impressive victories in the last five primaries, but he is still facing some troubles out there, as George Stephanopoulos pointed out last Sunday.
• [Clip of Stephanopoulos] “He has had a hard time picking up working-class women especially.”
• Trouble?! Picking up working-class women?! I thought this guy was supposed to be Kennedy-esque! I guarantee you JFK had no trouble picking up working-class women.
• Seven hundred and ninety-five highly placed members of the Democratic party, who will go into a smoke-filled room, and they will decide who the next nominee will be. It is old-time politics.
• Spitzer: I didn’t know I was a superdelegate until you invited me today.
• Let me ask you something, why aren’t I a superdelegate?
• If you run for the presidency, you can’t be a superdelegate. You made your choice. But I could vote for you, as a superdelegate. So, be nice to me, or else I might not.
• I don’t think you would vote for me, because haven’t you already pledged your vote?
• If Hillary Clinton becomes President of the United States, who gets to appoint a new Senator to her empty seat?
• Spitzer: I do.
• Stephen: Now, you sir, you sir, and I don’t think I’m talking out of school here, have had a bit of a bumpy first year as governor. Might it be appealing for Governor Spitzer to appoint Senator Spitzer?
• Is there anything special, like, do you have like goody bags, do they have like refreshment sweets for you guys?
• Spitzer: We have capes, we have leotards, we have special outfits that we wear.
• Stephen: I would like to see some pictures of you in that outfit.
• Spitzer: Well, for that you have to pay extra, Steve.
• Stephen: That’s what happens in the smoke-filled room?
• Spitzer: To reduce the mystery of it, we actually are just like every other delegate – we get together, we vote, we decide –
• Stephen: But you could switch, you could switch from Clinton? If things went south for her, you could go over to Obama. What would it take to bribe you to go to Obama? Because that’s legal, right? We can do bribes?
• Spitzer: Well, the language is a little bit off-putting. The word bribe isn’t the appealing way to describe the politics.
• Stephen: What’s the appealing way of politics? There’s something appealing about politics? I’d love to hear it!
• Is there room for more superdelegates? ‘Cause I would love to be a superdelegate. And I’m saying out there, to Howard Dean, I wanna be a superdelegate – obviously you can just appoint them by fiat. And I would support which either candidate, Obama or Clinton, who helps me become a superdelegate.
• Today there are primaries in Virginia, Maryland, and Washington DC. Of course the pundits have a colorful name for this matchup.
• [Clips of pundits calling it the 'The Chesapeake Primary,' 'The Potomac Primary,' 'The Crabcake Primary']
• To be fair, Mark Shields calls every primary ‘The Crabcake Primary.’ He likes crab cakes, is the point.
• Eleanor: Oh, is that you, Colbert?
• Stephen: It is, ma’am, it is indeed. Now you are right there in the heart of the Crabcake Primaries. Does it hurt that you don’t get to vote in these primaries?
• Eleanor: Hey, I do. I’ve already voted.
• Stephen: What do you mean? You do not get to vote. Your whole thing is that you’re the lady who doesn’t get to vote. ‘I’m Eleanor Holmes Norton, I can’t vote.’ That’s your campaign slogan.
• Eleanor: Not on the House floor, Colbert, I CAN vote in the primary. The people of the District of Columbia DO vote for president, and we’re close to getting the vote on the House floor, in the House of Representatives.
• Stephen: Now I understand that you have endorsed Barack Obama. Why would Barack Obama want the endorsement of someone who is not a citizen of the United States?
• Eleanor: We in the District of Columbia are 207 years old citizens of the United States. How long have you been a citizen?
• Stephen: But you’re not a state, ma’am. We’ve been through this before. I don’t know how many times I have to repeat this – United States of America; you’re a district, you’re not in a state.
• Eleanor: Yeah. And we’re the capital of the United States. What are you going to do about that, Colbert?
• Stephen: I wish I could saw it off and push it out into the Chesapeake. I don’t have the engineering skills. Now I understand you’re a superdelegate, and we just had Eliot Spitzer on earlier, and you guys are going to decide the Democratic nominee this time around. It’s so close that it’s going to be a smoke-filled room, and you guys are going to decide it for the Democrats.
• Eleanor: No, no, I met with Barack yesterday, and one thing we agree upon is whoever gets the majority of the earned delegates, whether it’s him or Hillary, that’s how the superdelegates have to vote.
• Stephen: But wait a second, ma’am, wait a second, as a superdelegate, you finally had a really powerful influential vote. Why would you throw that away?
• Eleanor: Subject to democracy, Colbert. Remember small-D democracy.
• Stephen: I don’t understand what you’re talking about.
• Eleanor: I’m trying to get democracy for the people of the District of Columbia! So I gotta be for democracy in the Democratic party.
• Stephen: Yeah, but democracy sometimes ends up being decided by the people in a smoke-filled room. I mean, obviously not the Democrats, because you’ve have outlawed smoking, it would be a patchouli-filled room.
• Eleanor: Smoke-filled rooms we used to have eons ago. But then we reformed our party. This thing is going to be decided in the states, and the superdelegates are gonna follow along, in small-D democratic fashion, and make Barack Obama the next President of the United States. He’ll be your president and my president, and isn’t that just dandy.
• Stephen: Dandy’s a strong word. It is a family show. Now, why do you support Barack Obama? I mean, you must be really torn here.
• Eleanor: I was, because I am a strong feminist, I’m a strong civil rights activist, so I chose the best person. How about that?
• Stephen: And that’s based on what? I mean, Hillary’s got so many years of experience.
• Eleanor: Doing what?
• Stephen: Saying that she has experience.
• Eleanor: Yeah. If you had to say, Hey, what is the president who would fit this moment? You wouldn’t say Colbert. You wouldn’t even say Eleanor! You’d say Barack Obama.
• Stephen: You know what, I would say Eleanor. What about Eleanor Holmes Norton? You’re even better than Barack Obama! You’re black AND a woman and you have absolutely NO voting record to attack!
• Eleanor: And since being black and a woman should not decide a presidential campaign, I’m fine.
• Stephen: Eleanor Holmes Norton, thank you so much for joining us! *Both blow kisses at the screen*
• *Editor’s note: I can’t deny it, I love Eleanor Holmes Norton.*
• So our dimensions could be in another dimension?
• Randall: Our dimensions could be part of a larger space.
• Stephen: Like my portrait? Like right there? So those could be the first three dimensions in the back, and there could be a fourth dimension of me in the front?
• This makes my brain break. What does that mean? Why would you study this? What purpose does it serve to think about things that we cannot see or touch?
• So you’re saying gravity is weak. Have you ever fallen off a building?
• But let me ask you something, is there a way to make a buck off this?
• Is there a way to actually experiment, or is this just theoretical math?
• Randall: No, that’s what’s so exciting. In fact, I wouldn’t be as interested if there wasn’t a way to experiment.
• Let me ask you about extra dimensions. Is there any chance that it’s populated by creatures that feed on our fear? ‘Cause I saw that in Star Trek once.
• Randall: You know, it’s possible that it’s populated with creatures that have nothing to do with us.
• Stephen: Well that’s good, because I want nothing to do with them. The feeling is mutual.