Ever heard these phrases while perusing the Colboards?
- Geoffrey, WHY?!?!!!
- You can’t unfry things!
- Shut your dirty little mouth!
- What’s Geoffrey thinking? He’s being so rebellious. Like some leather-clad biker with the smell of cheap alcohol on his breath. Tight pants creaking like a rusty door hinge as he makes his way across the bar and pins you to the wall with that smoky glare of his. You wanna run, but you can’t. Can’t move. It’s like he’s trapped you like some helpless woodland creature.
(Okay, I just threw that one in because it’s a fantastic quote)
They come from a cult series that was around in the late 90′s called “Strangers With Candy”. And if you haven’t watched this show, you now officially have no excuse. It stars the Trifecta (Stephen Colbert/Paul Dinello/Amy Sedaris) as well as a crazy cast of characters. I’m not kidding, if you call yourself a Colbert fan, you need to watch this show. There are many times where Stephen references the show or the actors in some way, and it will really make you appreciate tumbling.
Comedy Central is now showing episodes every day at 12p EST, so set your Tivo and enjoy! Click here to see Comedy Centrals listings of the show schedule. I would highly, highly recommend February 14th’s episode, “Hit and Run”, since it is my very favorite and pretty much has Chuck Noblet crying the entire time.
So my question to you, to be answered in the comments, is:
What are your favorite SWC quotes of all time?
h/t Caitlin from PaulDinello.net
I have soooo many favorites but here are a few to get us started:
Jerri: If I don’t graduate by the time I’m 50, I’ll be the laughingstock of Flatpoint High.
Chuck: No one makes friends with a failure. Okay? Do you understand? Now you run along and have fun. Lock the door.
Orlando: You don’t want those girls at your party anyway Jerri. You should hear the things they say about your face behind your back.
Jerri: Yeah but if they don’t come it’s just going to be you and me. I mean, bring a book.
Jerri: Well, you seem like an outsider.
Jellineck: I’m an artist.
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God DAMN it!!! :lol:
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If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts we’d all have a bowl of granola.
I don’t care if they’re just like me and me they’re a menace!
All they hear is who wants cake. They all want cake.
Simmer down, Stew.
=]
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“Why didn’t you tell me sooner, you stupid junky whore!”
“Eyes to the back of the room . . .”
“Are you bored? God, I’m bored! I should have brought a book.”
“Cancer?! That’s hil-laaar-ious!”
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Another one of my favorites:
“Next we’ll talk about how Marilyn Monroe gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it blew the back of his head off.”
Oh, and how could I forget, “Those lips! Those pillowy lips!” HAHAHA! God, I love that episode.
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Sorry for the double post but I thought of a few of my favorite Jellineck quotes:
If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we’d all have a bowl of granola.
Watch the baton it’s like a sheep, it jumps the fence and goes to sleep.
I’m sorry what’s happening?
I love it when he says GD. I wasn’t sure if I could write out the word on NFZ but you all know what I’m talking about.
GREAT! You crushed the macaroons!
Here is a favorite Jerri quote:
You don’t want to hit me or screw me? What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book!
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“Block the doors with your budding femininity!”
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Mr. Noblet’s routine as the clown – I think that counts as a quote when it;s in mime.
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“The only thing we hate more than racists is spics.”
Also, I have a lifelong crush on that one girl that isn’t wearing any panties in the episode where Jerri is trying to go to some sort of camp or something. Not sure what happened in that episode, save for the fact that the one cute girl wasn’t wearing any panties.
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“Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers.”
“You’re only as ugly as we think you are.”
“It’s not a cold sore! I bumped my lip on a biscuit!”
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@Jennie:
I think it does, yes. Oh, I have to add a quote? Ok.
Jerri: “I’m going to make your pinky alllll stinky!”
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“Oh, Mr. Cow – I am Louis Pasteur and I have come to innoculate you!”
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Starts to hum “I’m gonna sit at the welcome table”
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Oh, Lackadaisical, I was trying to avoid that one – gets stuck in my head forever! : )
Right, next quote:
“My daddy will never die! Do you hear that, God?” (Yes, I find that line very, very funny: I’m apparently a deeply disturbed individual.)
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@renej
LOL. The Louis Pasteur joke is my all-time favorite!
@Lackadaisical
Now that song is going to be stuck in my head for days. :-)
I’ll add a few more:
Jerri (in reference to a violin): “You mean the stringy-paddle?”
Cheri: “Ok, why don’t you all uh.. wander around without any supervision and acquaint yourselves with some of this dangerous equipment.”
Jerri: “Hobocamp? HOBOCAMP!”
Jerri: “What kind of place is this?”
Rebecca: “Oh, it’s just a collective cooperative community service operation outreach program project.”
Jerri: “Ok, as long as you’re not a cult.”
Jellineck: “We broke in that new kiln by placing items in it that the manufacturer specifically prohibits. I can see why car battery’s near the top of the list. I get it now.”
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“She’s gonna make a chunk of change.”
(@ Winona Ryder becoming a prostitute.)
“Think about it. I haven’t.”
“I remember what Charlie Parker said to me: Get me some heroin.”
It’s funny, I didn’t like the show at first, and now I love it.
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Chuck: Why didn’t we just go to the place?
Geoffrey: I don’t wanna go to the place! I wanna have a nice picnic! I made portabello mushroom sandwiches!
Chuck: Put that thing away, SOMEBODY WILL SEE!
Geoffrey: Nice going, Chuck! There was brie in there, and that’s a soft cheese!
*Jerri driving stupidly and carelessly down the road to one of the BEST songs ever, “Radar Love”*
Geoffrey: Great! You shattered the macaroons!
*Jerri hits Geoffrey with her car, Chuck turns around*
Chuck: Geoffrey needs me! *turns around, runs away*
That is one of my favorite scenes, EVER!
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What’s your beef, Stew?
And, y’know, tons of other lines.
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To add to TraceyUK’s quote, and because it’s got connections to Even Stevphen:
“You’re picking at my brain like a jackal!”
And –
“Hey, Jerri, eat this.”
“What is it?”
“It’s a scab! Hahaha!”
“Again?!”
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OH! Apologies for the double post, lol, but I also love the one where Jerri wants to be a cheerleader.
Jerri: This is ridiculous, I can read.
Chuck: So read.
Jerri: Book.
*Chuck nods at her stupidity*
Jerri: Desk, desks, more than one, singular. [something else I can't remember] …shiv!
Chuck: *breathes in* Okay. Guess we’ll have to start in the womb.
Chuck: I’m gonna hold a card up and I want you to tell me what letter’s on the card. [I think that's what he says, lol]
Jerri: B!
Chuck: I haven’t held up the card yet, Jerri. *holds up card*
Jerri: Tee-pee!
*strange look on Chuck’s face, holds up card*
Jerri: Hehe, doggy-bone!
*another strange look, holds up card*
Jerri: *tilts head* Pitch-fork on its side with the handle broken off.
*annoyed look on Chuck’s face, puts down card*
Jerri: *points to Chuck* Faggot. Hahahahaha. S’just a reading joke.
HILARIOUS! :D
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Just wanted to note the irony that they used to broadcast the show late at night on sundays, because they were afraid it was too raunchy or something, and now they show it at 12 in the afternoon right after sesame street.
;)
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I’ve got something to SAAAAAAAAY!
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@AliceInDallas:
Now see, THAT would have been the perfect title for this post. :)
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Oh, so many quotes to love! I especially like the ones that play with language:
“All right, anyone who doesn’t not want to avoid passing the midterm exam, raise your hand now. Okay. Those of you who raised your hands will fail, as you requested.”
“Maybe it’s time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can’t, and start doing the thing that you can’t do, but can no longer pretend that you can.”
and then just the general ones:
“You know, I cried when I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed…really hard”
“Befriending new people can lead to you having sex with your children. Accidentally.”
“My daddy’s alive and yours is dead and ain’t nothin’ gonna change that!”
“Hard enough to raise a welt, yet soft enough that it leaves no permanent scar that might be used against you in a court of law.”
“Happy new year chuck. I got you this fun bucket of assorted popcorn.”
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My favorite is Jellineck in mourning…
“But please, no mylar balloons. They never deflate and I don’t have the heart to throw them away.”
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@imoldfashioned:
“Maybe it’s time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can’t, and start doing the thing that you can’t do, but can no longer pretend that you can.”
I started typing that one out and got stuck! Thanks!!!
“I know you’re upset, but it’s been two days!”
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A few of my favourites:
“Dear Diary, I’m sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you. Everything’s changed, I’m in love… Something you would never understand you dirty, dirty, dirty Jew diary… Just kidding, just kidding. Jerri Blank.”
Derrick Blank: “Lets go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back.”
Blackman: “Who ran him down?”
Noblet: “How should I know? I’m married!”
Blackman: “I’m an obtuse man so let me try to be oblique.”
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Oh man! Can’t believe someone already wrote this, but I’ll repeat it anyway:
If wishes and but’s were clusters of nuts we’d all have a bowl of granola.
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I forgot to add another of my all time favourites; I don’t know why it makes me laugh so much but it truly cracks me up each time:
Voice on the record: “Remember, never believe that you are a failure…you are a failure…you are a failure” *Jellineck hits the record deck*…”you are a fruit…fruit…fruit”
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Also — in the cult episode — the song :
“I’m gonna sit at the welcome table . . . I’m gonna sit at the welcome table . . . I’m gonna sit at the welcome table . . . gonna sit at the welcome table one a’ these days!”
(repeat as necessary)
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There are so many to choose from! Let’s see…
Geoffrey:
“I know you have a beef, Stew, but please don’t stir things up.”
“I’m a pacifist. I pass a fist!”
“My lip..it fell down a flight of stairs.”
“Damn bees!”
And in Let Freedom Ring where he’s like “Not the (makes noise) kind of Indian, the (points to forehead and makes noise) kind of Indian.”
Noblet
“I have to go…call my wife.”
“SHE KNOWS! SHE KNOWS!”
Jerri
“Hobocamp? Hobocamp.”
All the ones everyone already said are great too. Pretty much the whole series is amazing.
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“There’s no such f***ing thing as a twelfth-level wizard king!” (Oops, sorry, that’s the commentary – still pretty funny.)
From the series:
“I’ll have to take your word for it – I was home that day hiding.”
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Oh man, I am laughing SO hard just reading these and remembering!
A Principal Blackman favorite:
“Every student macaroniously believes that their teacher hates them.”
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“Attention Flatpoint students! Hearken to my voice!”
“Consult the bones!”
“I’ll be back in a shortly.”
“We came as soon as we felt like it.”
“Good people?! They’re Greeks. And Greeks are just Jews without money.”
“That’s not Blackman. That’s a chink with some spick food I ordered hoping you and I’d have something to celebrate.”
“Damn, that’s a long lace!”
Have you hugged a violent student today?
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Oh! I can’t believe I forgot:
“Where were you?”
“What?”
“I’ll repeat the question. What took you so long?”
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I’m grinning like a idiot just reading these great posts.
“Dreams, what are mine?”
“Get out!”
“Out of this room or out of your life?”
“Little care I”
“Fudge”
“Buddha Stalin is cronic”
“SHE KNOWS” (said already but worth repeating) ;D
OK mr Nosey eyes on your own test…everybody pull out a piece of paper
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Who would abandon a faceless melon?
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so many great ones have been said already… but there are plenty more.
- Jerri: “I like the pole AND the hole.”
-Jerri’s entire “Packing a Musket” poem
- Jellineck: “I was a complete zero, Jerri.”
Jerri: “And now?”
Jellineck: “Well, now you could multiply that zero by hundreds.”
Jerri: “Wow! That must be a lot.”
- Blackman: “Are you insane in the membrane?”
- Anytime Jimmy Tickles says he is/isn’t “jazzed”
- The “Fat Fat Fat” song
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awww nobody gave any love to my super fave Geoffrey monologue. It really sums up the complete essence of Jellineck and his complete selfishness and delusions of artistic grandeur. (It also does help ~bring it on home~ that Paul is sporting a totally ridiculous speedo and lounging in a hammock while delivering this):
“Let me tell you a little story. I had a painting hanging in a gallery once and it was viciously censored. Nobody bought it, not even when I slashed the price! I was so disgusted I pulled it from the gallery and donated it to the Crab Shanty restaurant and you know something, they censored me as well! When I went there for a bucket of hush puppies, it wasn’t hung prominently. No Jerri, if this was an isolated incident I would say maybe. But they did they same thing to my novel, my collection of poetry and my sportswear line. Don’t you see what’s happening Jerri? They’re trying to censor me again by censoring you.”
Another big favorite that sums up Jerri perfectly:
“I may not be much, but I’m all I think about.” –Jerri Blank
“Think About it, I haven’t.” –Jerri Blank
“I’m sorry, what’s happening?” –Geoffrey Jellineck
“Now this particular kiln heats up to 1500 degrees. To put that in perspective, imagine one degree 1500 times!” –Geoffrey Jellineck
“That’s OK Jerri it doesn’t matter when you get here, just what time.” –Geoffrey Jellineck
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I will no longer have to wear the “L” on my forehead with shame for having not seen this show yet. Thanks for the info — I’ll finally be able to be a real It-Getter. : )
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Love all of these. I have to admit I haven’t seen season 3 in a loooong time (if I caught it at all, I can’t remember) So here are a few that I like that I haven’t seen:
Jerri: “Is that how they say ‘hi’ in Whoreville?”
Jeri: “Pee on me!”
Noblet: “SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH!”
Wilford Brimley: “First off, the retarded don’t rule the night. They don’t rule it. Nobody does.”
Whenever Jerri says “Florida” or “Rust.”
Jerri: “I like the pole and the hole, and right now I’m as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don’t you come over to my crib after school, and I’ll make your pinky all stinky.”
The entire film of Principal Blackman in “Let Freedom Ring.”
Jellineck: “Look, all I’m saying is if you still wanna smoke pot then be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends.”
I can’t believe I haven’t seen this one yet…
Noblet: “Why are you pushing me away?”
Jellineck: “I’m not pushing you away. I’m pulling me towards myself. ”
Blackman: “Don’t make me put my rings on!”
Blackman: “I’ve got to go see a student in the maternity ward.”
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“Packing a Musket” by Jerri Blank
When you work from your home
And johns call on the phone
You’re a call girl.
When you walk till you limp
And give a cut to a pimp
You’re a street whore.
When they’re begging ya “please”
To get down on your knees
Near their groinage
“‘Scusa me, but ya see,
Don’t ya touch where they pee
Without coinage.”
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“Busted! I’ve been waiting all since you came in here for you to slip up!”
“What’s it like being a whore? Wait – I know that one.”
“Stupid bich” (written on a sign)
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“Ooh, ‘Chuck’! You know what that rhymes with!”
“You have to grieve, Jerri.”
“I am grieving.”
“No. *points to face* This is grieving.”
“God BLESS it!!”
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“Follow your dreams to the Artificial Flower Plant Plant!” – Iris Puffybush
“Nice fake mustache… looks real.” – Jerri
“I’ll be back in a shortly.” – Blackman
“You’re picking at my brain like a jackal!” – Geoffrey
“I was a zero; but now you can take that zero and multiply it by a thousand!” – Geoffrey
“Give me your money, give me your money…” – robot in the Career Van
“I already lost a tree because of an attitude problem.” – Geoffrey
And the most un-PC of all (sorry)…
Geoffrey: “Your daughter has a disease we call anorexia.”
Mrs. Blank: “Oh my God, is it contagious?”
Geoffrey: “Yes, it often sweeps through third world countries that are stricken by drought.”
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“I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to sit on that box of slightly irregular jeans.”
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“I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.”
“Let’s go watch gay porn so we can get our hate back.”
“She eats just like a bird…By a bird I mean one of the small ones, not like a pelican who eats a lot…”
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Blackman: “Talk your monkey ass off.”
Jellineck: “Yes, Jerri, what do I want?”
Jellineck: “Jerri! We were just talking about me…”
Noblet: “Jerri certainly is one of our students.”
Jerri: “Is it so different to be new?!”
Jerri: “This was this one time…”
Noblet: “Jerri, you have a precious gift…”
Jerri: “Well, if it’s so precious, why don’t you take it?”
Noblet: “Believe me, Jerri, if I could hack off your arms and attach them to my torso, I would! What a team I’d make…”
Jellineck: “Hey, I think my brain is starting to hemmorhage…”
Jerri: “That is hilarious!”
Jerri: “The squirrel…”
Noblet: “Eyes to the back of the room!”
Student: “What for?”
Noblet: “Something I want you to see, eyes to the back!”
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I am loving this! I hope these quotes keep coming.
I am at work and quickly typing this up from memory but you’ll get the gyst of this one: “Daddy, Is that not what you don’t want me not to do?”
One of my favorite SWC moments is when Jerri’s woodpecker attacks Chuck while he is waiting for her to pack. When she gets back in the car, she asks where the bird is and Chuck says that he’s in the glove compartment because he got sleepy. :-)
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Jerri: “What I want to know is just what were Noblet and Jellineck doing alone in the park at 3 AM anyway?”
(Going by memory so might not be exact.)
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