Episode 4009 (01/21/2008)

Section 1: Nevada Caucuses results; South Carolina Republican primary results; Sam Waterston Says Things You Should Never Believe In A Trustworthy Manner.

Special Guest: Allan Sloan, Senior Editor at Large of ‘Fortune’ Magazine, to discuss if we are in a recession.

Section 2: Better Know a Governor, featuring South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford

Section 3: Eric Weiner, author – ‘The Geography of Bliss’

In closing: That’s it for the show, everybody. Stay close to those heaters, guys.

Guest Plug:

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• There is so much to yell about tonight!
• Over the weekend, the Nevada Caucuses came up and Hillary Clinton won it for the Democrats. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I CALLED IT!
• I called it for Clinton, at this very desk, just last week – Jimmy! [Run clip of Stephen playing Primary Roulette calling "Barack Obama" with a bad over dub saying "Hillary"]
• How do I do it? Yes, for the Democrats, it was Ba-Hillary Clinton! Congratulations to her.
• On the Republican side, it was Romney blow-out. A Romney blow-out, by the way, legal in some parts of Nevada.
• For all you out there who say ‘how can he represent me, he’s some CEO type” – this new look, this new look demonstrates just how deeply Romney knows what the working man looks like. And this look is working for Romney. He is going to keep cranking that look up state after state until Super Tuesday when, I believe, Mitt Romney will look like this: [photo of Romney in a hard hat and flannel shirt with the Village People].
• You may not know this – all of those with him: all Mormons.
• In South Carolina, everyone – including me – hoped that it was going to go to my running mate, Mike Huckabee. Unfortunately, it did not go to Mike Huckabee. And I’m sure he gave a stirring concession speech.
• Jimmy – do we have a satellite feed to that last Saturday night, live?
• *Stephen waiting for Huckabee to acknowledge the Colbert bump* — A message!?! You had a message?!? Here’s your message; this was your message! *Holds up Huckabee / Colbert -08 bumper sticker.*
• I’m going to send you a message right now, Mike! *threatens bumper sticker with scissors*
• Mike Huckabee really screwed the pooch. Screw the pooch, by the way, also legal in some parts of Nevada.
• There was a spoiler in this race, who was Fred Thompson, who took away evangelical votes, and ultra conservative votes… I mean, you cannot trust that Fred Thompson. I mean, he even snookered Chris Mathews into thinking that he was going to make some huge announcement at his concession speech.
• Of course you were snookered, Chris. You can’t trust Fred Thompson. You can’t trust any of the guys from ‘Law and Order’. Those guys are trained to tell you things you should never believe in a trustworthy manner. I have proven it dozens of times with my Peabody award winning series: “Sam Waterston Says Things You Should Never Believe In A Trustworthy Manner.”
• Sam Waterson: I’m from the future. Come with me if you want to live.
• I did, and I regret it.
• McCain took the whole shootin’ match down in South Carolina and while McCain and I have had our differences in the past, I think with the looming recession voters are responding to his inspirational economic message. [montage McCain saying some jobs that are never coming back to Michigan or South Carolina.]
• It is all consistent with his campaign cry: “How will we win in Iraq? No Surrender! Will we get our jobs back? No, comma, Surrender.”
• If the definition [of a recession] is that much of an elective, why don’t we just change the d**n definition so we can never be in a recession?
• • Sloan: That would definitely work.
  • Stephen: You’re welcome, America.
• • Stephen: If we whistle past the grave yard, then we can’t have a recession, right?
  • Sloan: Well, it depends on how much money you have to spend.
  • Stephen: I’ve go a lot.
• America needs confidence? Well, then: America, you look fantastic. Have you lost weight? Because, I am serious, America. If I weren’t married, America, I mean, d**n.
• • Stephen: My understanding is that President Bush’s stimulus package is the best one. What is his?
  • Sloan: His is giving 145 million dollars to people like you and me and hoping we spend it.
  • Stephen: I like it!
• What fantasy world do you live in? Americans do not live below their means! They live above their means and the way they live is like a balloon that lifts their means… what I’m saying is, a rising life lifts all means.
• Spoken like a true economist!
• *Note Stephen’s “Palmetto tie” during the BKAG interview!*
• The Confederate flag is not a symbol of the civil war.
• • Stephen: The Confederate flag doesn’t have pictures of slaves on it. Does it?
  • Governor Sanford: Well, that would be like saying the crucifix doesn’t have Jesus on it, but for a lot of folks it certainly….
  • Stephen: Mine does.
  • Governor Sanford: It does?
  • Stephen: Yea, I’m a Catholic. You’re a Protestant. That’s the biggest difference. That and the Pope.
• Governor Sanford: You’re right.
• Stephen: And that Protestants are heretics. But, other than that…
• On a more serious note, Governor, let’s talk barbecue.
• You’re ordering your last meal. You’re a death row inmate in, say, South Carolina and there’s no way Governor Sanford is going to commute your sentence – not ‘Swing ‘em High Sanford’. You’ve ordered your last meal, it’s barbecue. What sauce do you ask for?
• Where do you find the courage to go mustard in the face of people’s love for vinegar or sweet?
• In 2005, ‘Time’ magazine named you one of the 5 most boring Governors in America. Did that sting?
• You are incredibly boring. You are like a manila envelope taped to a beige wall. You are like walking, talking Ambien.
• You say you like to ‘recharge the batteries.’ Governor, I’m not sure you’re drawing that much power. I don’t see a lot of sparks.
• Thank you, Governor Sanford. Thank you, Mrs. Sanford, especially. I’ll see you all at the oyster roast.
• Stephen: At no point did you leave the United States of America, I hope. Because this is the happiest place in the world.
• Weiner: I hate to burst your bubble, but the United States is number 23 in the world.
• Stephen: I hate to burst your bubble, but I happen to have a titanium bubble. Who here is happy? *and the crowd goes wild* – random sampling, but I’ll bite.
• What’s the difference between wealthy and happy?
• • Weiner: Let’s say you’re a wealthy talk show host, for instance. Statistically, giving you more money is not going to make you any happier.
  • Stephen: Is this in theory, or has anyone tried it with me? Because I think we have the perfect lab experiment right here.

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