Episode 4002 (1/8/08)

Segment 1: Recycled Scripts

• Stephen has a breakdown
• Meteorite economy

Segment 2: Chris Beam, blogger – Slate Magazine

Segment 3: Gary Rosen, editor -Commentary Magazine

In closing: Well that’s it for this show. I just want to say to the strikers outside, please remember to take off your shoes before you get into the jump castle. Good night!

• Well, the intro seems to be gone, along with the puns.
• “And I would like to point out that last night’s audience stood up for way longer than that.”
• “Isn’t that comforting to see no one behind the wheel?”
• I just love playing with piñatas at high speed.
• Now the most exciting thing about this, besides the convenience of that car, is I’m thinking that if they can create a self-driving car, I mean how much longer can it be until they invent a self-writing television show? Which … for someone else … I don’t need it. I’m fine. I have something in my eye, that’s all. I have something in my other eye. I have something in my heart. Where it burns.”
• Awwww ….. breakdown!!!
• “Amelia Earhart’s skull!”
• “Now I know that I have a safety net, and if I need to, I can say these words, I can say this script, you know, if I ever get … desparate. [long pause] Jimmy, let’s do it.”
• “Lots of people are scared of the economy, if my employees are any indication.”
• Okay, that was a weird cut.
• “Nation, day after day it’s the same thing. Doomsayers moaning about the so-called mortgage crisis. Personally, I haven’t seen it. Mostly because I don’t have a mortgage. My house was a gift from the good people at Dorito’s. It is literally a Cool Ranch.”
• “$1500 dollars? For a killer metorite? For a meteorite that proves that aliens love cow-tipping as much as we do?”
• “Let’s just say I am working on a plan that will make existing moon rocks very very rare.”
• “Jimmy? Jimmy? There are no more words in the prompter. Jimmy?”
• “So they literally made you sit behind the back of the bus? That’s kind of racist, isn’t it?”
• Ouch, that crack joke didn’t go over well at all. And this thing is seriously edited … goofy.
• “You do not make a woman cry, I will jackslap him into next week. I will jackslap him into the Carolina primary.”
• “I think the problem here, Chris, is that the only thing that makes voters more uncomfortable than Hillary Clinton seeming unhuman, is Hillary Clinton seeming human. There’s gotta be something in the middle for her, like the undead, neither alive nor dead. You know, like, if she was more like a zombie who ruled the night and feasts on human flesh, that would be more appealing and seem more natural to people.”
• “So you wouldn’t recommend it [humanizing] to someone else? Like Edwards, say, Edwards shouldn’t go on ‘Meet the Press’ and rip a fart.” Did he just say that?! Seriously, did he just say that?! This is not going well.
• “But you couldn’t have known that [Iraq as a challenge]. There were no indicators before you went into Iraq that reshaping the Middle East would be challenging in any way.”
• “It’s implied, like when they said Go ahead and do Iraq, they gave him an extra little N to put over the Q.”

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