The ‘Mont-clert Report’ (write-up from last weekend’s book signing)

Editor’s Note:

I noticed that we were linked over at Baristanet in a very unflattering way:

The Other Colbert Report
Monday, November 19, 2007
Posted by Liz George on November 19, 2007 4:16 PM

We told you about Stephen Colbert in Montclert. Now, here’s a report from what just might be Colbert’s biggest fan. If people like this scare you, too, Stephen Colbert should be very, very, very afraid.

I tried to leave a comment at Baristanet, but my membership has not been approved and this response cannot wait.

Our journalistic ethics, and our dedication and professionalism on this site, has allowed us to interact with the fans and the TCR staff simultaneously, and to bring the most comprehensive Colbert-centric news coverage on the internet. Is this detailed? Yes. But to call it “scary” is an insult to everything we have worked towards in bringing the best and most thorough Stephen Colbert coverage on the internet.

The staff of NoFactZone.net takes great pride in its reporting of both mainstream media news as well as reports from fans. However, your definition of “scary” is much different than what we consider to be “scary”. Our definition of “scary” tends to lean toward violations of Stephen’s life outside of the public venue. We NEVER publish information about Stephen’s personal life, which is more than Baristanet can say. We never publish paparazzi photos. We never publish information about Stephen’s wife unless it is news from the red carpet, and we never publish information about Stephen’s children or their school (all mentioned on Baristanet in the past). We have also never mentioned which gym Stephen is a member of (again, more information that Baristanet has published). We don’t even tell our readers in which city he resides.

We are insulted at the light that Baristanet and its author have cast on our contributors and our blog, especially considering the reports of Baristanet in the past about the subject matter, and we hope that the readers of Baristanet will take this blog post as it was intended – a first person account of a fun and fantastic event for the fans of Colbert who happen to reside in Montclair, New Jersey.

DB Ferguson, Webmaster

EDIT II:

Ok, so Baristanet doesn’t seem to like us. That’s a darn shame. We’ve said our peace, the response we got was … expected, and we’re done.

I never did get my Baristanet membership approved, either. Go figure.

We’ve each been dealing with our Colbert-deprivation as best we can, but NFZ reader Lisa got to take advantage of the best option of them all: meeting Stephen at his book signing in Watchung Booksellers (Montclair, NJ)!

Lisa’s full photo album is available on Flickr

Here’s a taste of what she had to say (get the full recap behind the cut):

Now, what to say? If you had all of maybe 10 seconds to say whatever it was you truly wanted to say to someone you deeply admired and respected, what would it be? I had wracked my brain for literally weeks trying to think of just the right thing to say. Something brief. Something potentially witty and quippy even. A joke about a nuance in the book perhaps. Gushing adoration was clearly out of the question, as I tried to remind myself I was, sadly, a grown-up. Maybe something about the recent faulty blender during the “Threat Down” anniversary (by far, one of my favorite TV moments ever!). None of it seemed to work, and the more I realized this, the more nervous I became. Brushes with fame aren’t my strong suit, as they hardly come but a few times in one’s life. I couldn’t blow this one. “Great, I’ll say something stupid, I’m sure,” I thought to myself. It was just about 2 PM.

Thanks for sharing, Lisa, and for telling Stephen what you did!

On a chilly November morning, my friend and I arrived in Montclair, NJ to attend Stephen Colbert’s book signing at Watchung Booksellers located in the downtown area. Anticipating copious amounts of other Colberticans waiting patiently in line for the store to open and distribute numbered tickets for admission, we arrived at the store at 10:30 AM (for the 2 PM signing) – but, as it appeared, the rest of the quaint little town still slept. We returned periodically throughout the morning just to make sure we didn’t miss out on a precious ticket, and the opportunity to be in the presence of greatness. We made our way through the rest of the small downtown locale to pass the time, and perused shops, took in the crisp November air, and watched as Montclair began to slowly transform into pre-holiday season mayhem. To escape the chill in the air, we partook in the tasty fare of a local coffee shop, where brunches abounded across every table.

We returned to the store just before Noon, where about a dozen or so other fans waited in anticipation for the store to unlock its heavy oak doors and allow us inside. We arrived just early enough to be two of the first 20 folks in line to receive Stephen’s signature on freshly printed copies of I Am America (And So Can You!), which still had the intoxicating scent of fresh ink. We got in line and purchased a few copies of the book (in addition to the ones we already owned) knowing that the signed copies would be preserved and would serve, undoubtedly, as collector’s items. We spent some time browsing the vast array of titles it carried, and were generally amazed that such a small store could hold an incredible volume of works. The employees there chatted with us as we walked by, and we inevitably overheard them converse about the highly anticipated event, as well as answer seemingly endless phone calls about it as well. Philosophical conversations about the authors’ works we glanced at emerged, and we spent some time discussing our favorites, the classics, and even those that could ramble on tirelessly for pages. We took refuge from the growing number of patrons also perusing the shelves and talked for some time on a nearby bench, just outside the store façade. Luckily, we were in just enough proximity to keep an eye on any growing lines and the passage of time.

Upon our return some time later, the number of fans outside the storefront had multiplied, but we found our way to the appropriate cue for our ticket numbers. We were ushered quickly towards the front of the store, enjoying a moment of “VIP-ness” with our number 19 and 20 spots. Cameras were ready and being tested by everyone waiting patiently in line – it was 10 minutes to 2.

Now, what to say? If you had all of maybe 10 seconds to say whatever it was you truly wanted to say to someone you deeply admired and respected, what would it be? I had wracked my brain for literally weeks trying to think of just the right thing to say. Something brief. Something potentially witty and quippy even. A joke about a nuance in the book perhaps. Gushing adoration was clearly out of the question, as I tried to remind myself I was, sadly, a grown-up. Maybe something about the recent faulty blender during the “Threat Down” anniversary (by far, one of my favorite TV moments ever!). None of it seemed to work, and the more I realized this, the more nervous I became. Brushes with fame aren’t my strong suit, as they hardly come but a few times in one’s life. I couldn’t blow this one. “Great, I’ll say something stupid, I’m sure,” I thought to myself. It was just about 2 PM.

Finally, Stephen arrived. He came swiftly through a side entrance and he was greeted by one of the employees there, who held a sign that read, “Colbert in Mont-clert” with a caricature of Stephen in the middle; it was later signed by all the employees at the store, and given to him at the end of the signing (or so it was planned). After he set up camp at the back of the store, the slow crawl to finally approach him began.

As we slinked further and further closer to The Table, I continued to try to think about just the right thing to say. There was an odd silence present throughout the entire store while we waited – maybe I wasn’t the only one who was nervous?

Maybe I’ll just make some silly comment about bears. Nah Those two kids with the bear hats had that covered.

Closer and closer we shuffled.

Um, the White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech? How much I loved the stickers and the “Stephen T. Colbert Award for The Literary Excellence” seal? Nope, nope, and nope. It’s probably all been said and done a thousand times over, and it wasn’t just right.

Closer and closer…

As I slinked around a corner of books, I fussed with my camera, and when I looked up, there he was. I’m almost positive all the color drained completely out of my face, I started to shake like a leaf, and I broke out in an immediate cold sweat. I reminded myself to b-r-e-a-t-h-e (which I had forgotten to do until just then). He was very kind, polite, and soft-spoken, and was dressed to impress (as always) in typical Colbert style, donning khakis, a light blue dress shirt, and a navy blue suit jacket. Despite the oodles of people that were there, he made sure to give time to anyone who desired a brief audience with him.

I had a few quick moments to attempt to regroup while the few folks in front of me had their books signed. I didn’t think “quick moments” were going to cut it though. I had just enough time to snap a few photos until I was up.

Things progressed from there in slow motion. Luckily, I had employed the buddy system with my friend who came with me, mainly for companionship and general fandom, but secondarily, to remind me later of what I said and did from that moment on, as it seems I temporarily lost cognizance of reality.

The employee who made the sign took my books from me and placed them on The Table before him. I made my way to the opposite side of The Table, and I finally understood how a deer feels when confronted with a pair of headlights – I also had, apparently, forgotten how to speak, aside from saying, “Hi…”

Halfway through his first hand-written “Step—“ in book number one, it finally came to me.

“I just wanted to tell you that we miss you guys so much,” I said as wholeheartedly and sincerely as I could.

He finished signing his name, closed the book, slowly rose his head, and looked right at me. I believe my knees buckled slightly. Hopefully, I smiled. I think I did.

“I miss being there too,” he replied. The edges of his mouth curled slightly, and he smiled. He graciously signed my second copy, when I realized I had forgotten to speak…again.

“Don’t worry,” he said reassuringly, “we’ll all work it out.”

“I know you will,” I said. “I just wanted you to know that we’re all really pulling for you guys, big time.”

“Thank you,” he said and smiled, a bit moreso than before. I’m pretty sure I said the same, along with, “It was really a pleasure to meet you.”

It was an amazing few moments that I know I’ll never forget. My intention was to try convey all the support and love from all the fans that I’ve encountered as of late to him directly, in the simplest and most succinct way possible. I can only hope my intentions followed through, and that he knows that we all support him and all the writers 100%. And I’m sure that he’s aware of how much we terribly miss them all but that we’re rooting for them every step of the way.

Though I’m sure the moment would’ve sufficed with something lighter or more humorous, but I’d hate to regret the once chance I’d been given and not get it right. In the end, I figured that if I’ve only got one shot, why not just be “gutly”?