Episode 3138 (11/1/07)

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“I’m more American than apple pie! I’m like apple pie with a hot dog in it. Sexy. This is The Colbert Report!”

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Doing the Charleston: “Tonight, I campaign in Charleston, South Carolina – or as I call it, our nation’s future capital.”

• Stephen heads to Charleston to raise support among black women, gun owners, and the South Carolina Democratic Executive Council.

Belle of the Ballot: “Then, I find out if I’m on the ballot as a Democrat. Should my first pledge be to raise taxes or to cut and run?”

• And the South Carolina Democratic Counsel gives Stephen his answer. Balloon drop!

A Kirn Affair: “And Walter Kirn is here to talk about the dangers of multitasking. I guess I better stop being both awesome and fantastic.”

• Guest: Walter Kirn, author and contributor to The Atlantic Monthly. Current article is ‘The Autumn of the Multitaskers.’

In closing: Well, Nation, my campaign for president may be over but you can still help me win. Go to donorschoose.org, pick a school in South Carolina, and give all you can. Let’s let those kids know that any of them can grow up to be President – and so can you. Goodnight!

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INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:
www.donorschoose.org
Donate to South Carolina’s schools.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• I already know what I am getting my kids. I saw this in the paper today. It’s the ‘WWE Ruthless Aggression and Pay-Per-View Six-Inch Figures.’ Not only do they promote ruthless aggression, but they’re the best way to teach your kids how to hit each other with folding chairs. That’s a tough skill to learn.
• If the Democrats deny me, that may be the last time you see that graphic. On the plus side, my body will stop producing bright orange waste. You can read by it.
• Now, I’ve had my differences with the Democrats in the past – I’ve called them pansies, twits, losers, ‘Dumb-ocrats,’ Democrazies, and Nazis. But hey, that’s all water under their Nazi bridge if I make it on the ballot.
• I can play ball. As they say, when in Sodom, vote Pelosi.
• Plus, ABC News says my campaign is quote ‘no joke’! I ask you, is anyone saying that about Richardson and Biden? Not after that poll.
• But there was one catch. Democrats require that a candidate be actively campaigning. No wonder Fred Thompson’s running as a Republican.
• What an amazing moment. How did I, Stephen Colbert, get here? Well, just 24 hours earlier, I’d launched my South Carolina campaign.
• Black woman voter: Really no one has actually jumped out there and pulled me at the leg, I mean, if I had to choose I’d say Obama is – aaah! He’s pulling my leg!
• Hey, can we say something? That capital gains tax has got to go.
• Black woman voter: What really made you decided to do this?
• Stephen: I believe in South Carolina, I believe in the people of this state. I’m gonna tell it. Strong, bold, bam I put it out there. Deal with me or get out of the way.
• If I were gonna get one gun today that I could carry on the campaign trail, what would it be? Oh, look at that.*The owner gives Stephen a double-barreled shotgun* That is nice. Oh, that’s got heft. That’s got heft. That sends a message.
• I could stop a bear with this. This is, like, you know, back off. This is back the f@#k off.
• If you had to compare any of the other candidates to a weapon, let’s do it. Let’s match up somebody. Dennis Kucinich, he’s a vegetarian, what would he be?
• Gun shop owner: He’d be a pepper spray.
• Stephen: Kucinich is pepper spray. Non-lethal. How about Hillary?
• Gun shop owner: Hillary – that’s a Hillary gun.
• Stephen: That is – look at that thing. That is dainty, a little pearl handle. That is a gun that just wants to be held after you shoot it.
• As for me…Wait a second, what is that beauty up there? Let me see that.Oh yeah.
• *Walking out with the guns strapped all over him – haha!*
• Speech: I love South Carolina almost as much as South Carolina loves me!
• I had to glad-hand like never before – but I’m like the Dyson vacuum cleaner. I never lose my suck-up.
• I started with the perfect political trap: a classy brunch. I polished the glasses, I inspected the gourds, I laid out the snacks.
• Plus, I had a secret ingredient: BOOZE! Bloody Marys! Gimlets! Bottomless mimosas! Nothing like a 10AM buzz to loosen your grip on the democratic process. Then I turned on the old Col-bert charm.
• Then I let loose with my speech. It was the Gettysburg Address of kissing butt.
• Clearly, this weekend made my candidacy a lock.
• You know, at anxious times like these, I reach for the comforting taste of Doritos. Yes, Doritos, whether celebrating with sensational crunch or drowning your sorrows in nacho cheese dust, it’s always a great time for Doritos. Live Free, Snack Strong!
• “Everybody must get stoned.” That’s my special Democrat ringtone.
• Carol Fowler: They were crazy about the snacks, the Do-ritos –
• Oh, fantastic, we like the Do-ritos too. How did I do, Carol?
• Well, you know, I’m sorry. I’m afraid that you didn’t make the cut. You won’t be on our ballot.
• Did – did – why, did they not think my candidacy was real enough?
• Well, I think they thought maybe that you’re not quite ready to be president.
• Can I ask what’s happening to my $2500 personal check? Are you gonna give that to a charity, I assume NAMBLA?
• Okay, thanks Carol. Listen, this is on a cellphone, and you’re not part of my five. So, I should probably go. Thanks so much and give my everybody in South Carolina, say hello to the other members of the Democratic Counsel, and tell the candidates I’ll see them in hell – okay, bye bye!
• They’re not letting me on the ballot. *BOBBY comes out in a purple and white marching band uniform, playing a trombone – HAHA!* No, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, stop! I didn’t get it.
• *That is the saddest balloon drop I have ever seen. Poor Stephen!*
• I mean, uh, it’s all for the best. I mean, I’m so busy with my book tour, and my show, and hanging out with all those friends that I have… plus I have time to eat all these free delicious Doritos. *crumples bag and flings Doritos* Why?? Why don’t you want me in your race?
• Fine, it’s your loss, Democrats. I had a lot of great ideas. You see this? You see this? It’s my exit strategy for Iraq. Foolproof. You know what? Burn it.
• Hey America, you want your dollar stronger? Too bad, blame it on the South Carolina Democrats.
• And I had a kick-ass impeachment speech for when I wildly overreached my Constitutional authority. No, no, no! Nobody gets to hear it now. Nobody gets to hear it now.
• How could the state do this to me? I’m your favorite son! It’s official!
• If that’s the way you want to play, South Carolina, fine. I sung the praises of your peaches. But you know what this is? You know what this is? This is a Georgia peach. And it is delicious. *bites into peach, gags* Eugh! God, that tastes like Ted Turner’s ass. We’ll be right back.
• My guest tonight thinks that multitasking is dangerous. I say it’s as safe as juggling while driving.
• How would you define multitasking?
• Kirn: Trying to run for president, trying to host a TV show, trying to write a best-selling book at the same time, classic multitasking, classic result. Fail miserably at at least one of them.
• Stephen: Thank you so much for stopping by, my guest tonight – I did not fail miserably! It was a squeaker, baby, it was a squeaker! I almost had it all!
• Kirn: But you know, that lady on TV there – she said that the multitasking was the problem. If you would go to South Carolina for the next four years and do nothing but kiss butt there, then you’d have a chance.
• Stephen: This is how we choose our presidential candidates?
• Kirn: I know, I know.
• Kirn: Twenty-six thousand people a year are trying to be efficient in their cars while talking on the phone or looking at a picture of their girlfriend naked, it’s happened to me once –
• Stephen: Go back, go back, you buried the lead on that one.
• Kirn: I tried to, for her sake.
• Stephen: So w-what happened?
• Kirn: Off the highway, Wyoming, winter, um, no state police around, into a field, through a barbed wire fence.
• Stephen: Uh-huh. Throw a verb in that sentence.
• By the way, could I become part of your five? Because I don’t get that on my phone. I thought the iPhone had everything.
• Were you about to add say another task at that moment? And let me ask you – was this stick or automatic?
• I believe that there are ways that we can use multitasking, because it’s not just actions. We multitask emotionally, you know? We can multitask our fears. So we can be afraid of terrorists and socialized medicine at the same time. Mitt Romney makes us afraid of Barack Obama and Osama bin Laden at the same time.
• Well, they say, if at first you don’t succeed, invade Iran.
• Kirn: Right, right, right, right. If at first you don’t succeed, fail at something else.
• Stephen: Tivo allows me to watch two different television shows at the same time -
• Kirn: Without knowing what’s either one of them’s about!
• Right, but the point is, the point is, it allows me to do nothing but watch TV.
• Kirn: So the TV people know we’re multitasking, and they know that we can’t pay attention to their shows, so that’s why their shows are so good.
• Stephen: You can enjoy my show with the sound off, because you can tell when I’m angry by *mouths an angry shout and points* People at home now will turn the sound up.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Dark grey suit, white shirt with barrel cuffs, dark and light blue diagonal stripe tie

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Videos courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload!

• Doing the Charleston: Stephen campaigns in Charleston, South Carolina – or as he calls it, our nation’s next capital.

• Ready for Christmas: Stephen has already picked out this year’s Christmas gifts.
• Hail to the Cheese – Home State: Stephen hits the campaign trail to meet his hometown neighbors in Charleston, SC.
• Is Stephen on the Ballot? Stephen finally hears from Carol Fowler, the South Carolina Democratic Party Chair.
  
  
• Walter Kirn: Walter Kirn points out that Stephen’s multi-tasking cost him the support of South Carolina’s voters.
• Donorschoose.org: You can still help Stephen win by donating to South Carolina’s schools.