Episode 3137 (10/31/2007)

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“This show is filmed in front of a dead studio audience. This is The Col-Scare Report.”“

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From Pole to Poll: Tonight, I look at elections all over the world. I think Vladamir Putin has a chance of winning them all.

• No happy Halloween.
• Democra-SEE Democra-Do: International Election Watch segment.
  • Argentina elects its first female President
  • Poland outs ruling party.
• Stephen files in South Carolina

The Wørd: Job Description

Bush/Changey: And I’ll examine how Bush has reshaped the Presidency. One thing is certain: all the brush is gone.

• Barack Obama challenges Stephen to a grit-off
• Monkey on the Lam – Lobster Edition

Lawrence on Arabia: Then my guest, Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson, says the administration bungled the Iraq War. You know what they say – If at first you don’t succeed, invade Iran.

• Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson, former Chief of Staff for Secretary of State Colin Powell

In closing: That’s it for ‘The Report’, everybody. Join us tomorrow night when we’ll find out if I’m on the South Carolina ballot.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Save your energy for America’s enemies!
• I wish I could say “Happy Halloween”. But “happy” is not a word that I associate with this childhood festival of hijinks, merriment, and diabetes. Sure, it’s fun to play dress-up, but I believe that costumes are just lies that you wear.
• The real reason we need to Hallo-ween our selves off this holiday is that it’s a Pagan celebration of panhandling. You know what I call trick-or-treaters? Pre-hobos.
• Kids, when you grow up you get to celebrate a holiday I call “Un-Halloween” everyday. That’s where you dress up like a productive member of society, go to a real job to earn a paycheck and then buy your own damn candy. BOO! Spooky stuff.
• That’s why this year I have a basket full of treats that will help point the youngsters in the right direction. I, uh, I have bootstraps, ok. Simply attach these to your boots and then pull yourselves up by them. Oh, Kids! Here’s Ayn Rand’s Objectivists masterpiece Atlas Shrugged. Who would want a fun sized snickers when they could have the gift of rational self interest as embodied by maverick railroad executive Dagny Taggart?
• And, underneath those, a mouse trap. Just to teach them not to trust strangers. [Sets up trap and jumps back, then slides it carefully to the side.]
• America is in the middle of a Presidential election so, of course, other little countries are holding elections, too. It’s adorable.
• First up is Argentina – where Christina Fernandez de Kirchner, wife of current President Nester Kirchner, won Sunday’s Presidential election to become Argentina’s first female President. Unless it’s true what they say about former President and Military strongman Jorge Videla. He looks like he has a secret – [sotto voce:] a secret vagina.
• Kirchner’s election does not bode well for America – she’s a Senator and the politically savvy wife of an ex-President. Sound terrifyingly familiar? [photo of Hillary Clinton.]
• I’ve said it before – if it happens in Argentina, it could easily happen here. Just look at gaucho pants. If only they weren’t of flattering. [Photo of Stephen in gaucho's, high heels, t-shirt and WristSTRONG bracelet.]
• I know I’m not the first one to say this, but let’s invade Poland!
• I’m mad because in last week’s Polish elections the ruling party got their perogies handed to them. The government was led by Prime Minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski and his identical twin brother President Lech Kaczynski. But now, Prime Minister Kaczynski is out of a job. It is a real blow to the Kaczynskis. Not as big a blow as Cousin Ted’s Christmas packages, but a blow none the less.
• this is bad news for Poland and for freedom. The new ruling party in Poland intends to pull Poland’s 900 soldiers out of Iraq. Well, we don’t need you, Poland! As long as Blackwater stays in Iraq it is still, technically, a coalition of the willing.
• My real objection here, folks, is that the new government is, quote, “likely to invite the smaller Polish Peasant’s Party to form a coalition.” If there’s one thing to learn from European history, it’s that you don’t invite the peasants. It always ends up like this.
• Now, sadly, President Kaczynski has to serve the last years of his Presidency without his brother by his side – and twins do not do well broken up. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would look if there were only one fat guy on a motorcycle?
• Or only one twin from the Shining? That’s not scary. [Jimmy puts two twins up] That’s scary. That’s enough, Jimmy. Take her down! Take her down!
• But worst of all, with the brothers broken up, what’s going to happen to this? The secret twin language they invented. I can’t understand a word, but apparently they’ve got the whole country speaking it.
• As you all know, I recently declared my candidacy for the Presidency of South Carolina. But there has been some confusion in the press.
• “As of Friday, Colbert had yet to file or pay fees for the Democratic or Republican ballot.” True – but all that changed today. There I am, holding a notarized filing form with a signed personal check for $2,500 to the South Carolina Democratic Party.
• Money. Well. Wasted.
• Then, folks, it was time to sign the $35,000 check required by the Republican Party. Jimmy! [Photo Not Available].
• That’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen. I am officially announcing that I am not willing to write a $35,000 check to the Republican Party.
• Oh, I wish I could. But I can’ spend more than $5,000 on my whole campaign or all sorts of stupid Federal election laws suddenly apply to me. Second of all – 35 thousand, guys? I understand you have to keep a club exclusive, but I paid less for my black-market liver.
• I will find out tomorrow, ON THIS SHOW, if I got my name on the Democratic ballot. Tune in.
• In all the applications I’ve filled for this thing, one element has been missing and it’s tonight’s word: Job Description.
• There are, I believe, 63 other candidates running for President and we’ve heard a lot about their positions on immigration [Photo of Tancredo], health care [photo of Clinton], who can say “9/11″ five times fast with crackers in his mouth [photo of Giulliani]. But there is one thing we haven’t learned: exactly what job are they all applying for? [Hillary's V.P.]
• Because, let’s face it, just saying “I want to be President” is a pretty cagey answer these days. [Fred Thompson Still Hasn't Said It] Do they mean the Chief Executive as defined by the Constitution? Or are we talking about George Bush’s job. [International Burnt Effigy Model]
• That is a job… Bush has got a job with some balls – a job where you can tell the Congress and the U.S. Supreme Court to open wide for a Texas tea bagging. [Also Used At Gitmo]
• Some candidates seem to be gunning for the old job, like Edwards. [*shows clip from June 3rd debate where he claims the war, torture, and domestic spying are not America*] Oh, come on, grandpa. *in old man voice* “Get off my lawn!*
• Other are clearly applying for the new job, like Romney. [*Clip of Romney from Sep. 5, 2007 saying "...the most important civil liberty I expect from my government is my right to be kept alive"*] That speech will play great in New Hampshire, what with their State Motto: “Live Free or Do Whatever It Takes So I Don’t Die”.
• The Founding Fathers limited Presidential power through what they called “checks and balances”. [Must Have Been The Hemp Talking] The theory was that if you had 3 equal branches of government they’d be too busy fighting amongst themselves to oppress the people. [Not Counting Slaves]
• While checks and balances are great in theory, even Lincoln said the Constitution is not a suicide pact. [Except For 2nd Amendment] In a time of extraordinary danger executive power must be extraordinary. [Cheney Can Start Fires With His Mind]
• So, tonight, I would like to be the first candidate to make my position clear – I am not running for President. I am running for President Bush. Why? Because I believe in freedom and I would be crazy to let anybody else have that kind of power over me.
• Ever since I joined the presidential race, I’ve discovered that politics can be downright scary. There’s backstabbing, attack ads, Chris Dodd’s turkey gobbler. But I had no idea it could get so personal!
• On Monday, Barack Osama Bin Laden Obama – I’m sorry: I always mix those two up – spoke at an MTV forum in Ohi.. Iowa and got a question from an intelligent young man:
  • YM: “Stephen Colbert recently said that he is running for President.
  • Obama: Yea, I’m worried about it…
  • YM: I was wondering what impact you think he will have on this election
  • Obama: I didn’t realize he was from South Carolina. I can’t picture Stephen Colbert eating grits, so I’ve laid out that challenge to him.
  • YM: A Grit-Off?
  • Obama: A grit-off.
• Oh, I’m sorry. I missed some of that. I wasn’t really paying attention. I was eating my traditional mid-videotape rolling snack. Really, Barack? What kind of grits can’t you picture me eating? Stone ground yellow grits? Because I keep a bag in my office. [Puts bag on desk and finally sets off the mouse trap]
• Oh, it’s go-time, Man! White grits? How about whole kernel hominy? You want a grit-off? You got it. I don’t even know what the hell a grit-off is. If it means eating more grits than you, I hope you’re hungry, bean-pole.
• If it means making better grits than you, fine. I got a secret ingredient – I like to pour in a can of whoop-a$$.
• Ball is in your court – and I’m guessing lumps in your grits.
• I have long said that lobsters are the monkeys of the sea. For one thing, they both taste great dipped in drawn butter.
• Last week in Germany, a pack of lobsters escaped from their crates and scuttled out the front door of a supermarket.
• That’s right, folks. The lobsters made a run for it. But the notoriously soft-hearted Germans didn’t boil them and eat them. Oh, no! These lobsters are being offered sanctuary in an animal shelter.
• What if some nearsighted Agustus Gloop accidentally adopts the lobsters and orders the puppy? It could happen. These are not ordinary crustaceans, folks. These are lobsters on the lam!
• My guest tonight believes there’s hope for Iraq. So do I. I hope Turkey invades and takes it off our hands.
• What strata of Government should hi-jack foreign policy? The lowest? You want someone at the post office hi-jacking foreign policy? They’re the upper strata: they get to hi-jack whatever they want.
• No, no. The Constitution does not give Congress oversight – Tony Snow was very clear about that. That’s a myth, along with habeas corpus.
• You have stated that President Bush was not versed in foreign relations and not interested. Well, wasn’t it good that Cheney and Rumsfeld took it over because they were versed and were interested.
• • Stephen: Colin Powell was a soldier. Couldn’t he have beaten them up if his position was really all that good. And after all, he went to the UN and made the strong case for the war. He held up the salt shaker full of anthrax and had those photographs that showed scientists making anthrax of the labs. They had close ups of the labs and we saw the tubes and they were labeled anthrax and nobody could dispute that.
  • Colonel Wilkerson: Let me go to your first point. I agree with you. I wish we had taken them on. I wish we had taken them on in a much more aggressive fashion than we did.
  • Stephen: Now [audience clapping] I’m going to make my point; don’t clap. Now why did you not, then?
  • Colonel Wilkerson: That’s a question that I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life and I think Colin Powell will too.
• You win some, you loose Iraq.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Dark gray pinstripe suit. Lilac shirt with French cuffs. Violet tie with small dot pattern. Red WristSTRONG bracelet.

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Videos courtesy of Comedy Central MotherLoad

• From Pole to Poll: Table of Contents
• Democra-SEE Democra-DO: The election of Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, Argentina?s first female President, terrifies Stephen.
• Stephen’s Trick or Treats: Instead of Halloween candy, Stephen has some treats that will point America’s youth in the right direction.
• Job Description: Stephen makes it clear that he is not running for president — he is running for President Bush.
• Obama’s Challenge: At a MySpace Forum in Iowa, Barack Obama challenged Stephen to a Grit-Off!
• Monkey on the Lam – Lobsters: Lobsters escaped a German supermarket and are being given sanctuary in an animal shelter.
• Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson: Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson explains that the military will have to pull out of Iraq within the next year.

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