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“You might want to add water because this show is concentrated truth. This is The Colbert Report!“

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Nail To The Chief: Tonight! Questions arise about my Presidential campaign: Great candidate? Or the greatest candidate?

• The New York Times snubbs Stephen’s Presidential announcement.
• Stephen completes forms for South Carolina primaries.

Look Back In Danger: Plus, it’s the anniversary of ‘The Threat Down’ – I’ve bought you some rubber pants.

• Threat Down! – 2nd Anniversary Edition
  • 5. Canada!
  • 4. Food!
  • 3. Toys!
  • 2. Robots!
  • 1. Bears!

Chess Pain: And my guest is Chess Grand Master Garry Kasparov. Finally, someone else who sees the world in black and white.

• Garry Kasparov, author – “How Life Imitates Chess.”

In closing: *Drinking some Bearstein Bear smoothy* Revenge is sweet. And pulpy.

Guest Plug:

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• My. Fellow. Colbericans!
• A bombshell certain to make the front page of all the papers.
• I generally like to start with the Business Section [of the New York Times] because, at least there, the lies are about money.
• Charades, not the most efficient way to announce economic news.
• The Number 1 story above the fold – mmmVladamir Putin and Mahmoud Ahm-In-Space-No-One-Can-Hear-You-Scream-ijad?!?
• this is an old story! Yea, yesterday they pledged an alliance in regional wars. Who cares about regional anymore? Today the President said we could be headed toward World War III. Ken Burns, I think you will soon have some new photos to pan slowly over.
• This is an old photo. Vlad and Mahmoud use it on the cover of their Duets album. [Vlad & Mahmoud: Weapons-Grade Love]
• Where is my Presidential announcement? Look, I’m running as a ‘Favorite Son’ from South Carolina. No one else in this campaign ev… wait a second. What was… Oh. My. God! Edwards Plays His Roots Card in Bid to Win South Carolina!
• What the f#$k, y’all?
• Listen here, John What-Stephen-Said-wards. Who cares if your the ‘native son’. I’m the favorite son. And if I’m not mistaken, Sir, aren’t you the same guy who not 2 weeks ago criticized Barack Obama for stealing parts of your platform on the issues of health care, poverty, and nuclear proliferation? Well, reminding South Carolinians that I’m from their state is my entire platform. I’ve got nothing else, so back off.
• I just wanted my announcement to be perfect. This was supposed to be my special day. I registered at Macy’s. I interviewed caterers. I even got a subscription to Modern Candidate Magazine. Look – they’ve got 56 exciting new places to put a flag pin.
• Like a quarterback preparing for the big game, I watched a lot of video tape. You know who really impressed me with his passion? Fred Thompson. [Video of Thompson on Fox News (6.14.07) "I've never craved the job of a President, but I want to some things that only a President can do."]
• Exactly! Like ride around in Air Force 1 or kidnap a Canadian citizen and him over to the Syrians to have him beaten with pipes. You know: fun President stuff!
• But before I do any of that, I need to fill out these official forms I need to complete to enter the South Carolina primary. As you know, I am running as both a Republican and a Democrat. Best part about running in both primaries? Double the paperwork.
• I’ll need the right pen for the Republicans… there we go. “I’m Rudy Giulliani – ahahaha. Ahh!” Too strong a statement.
• I’ve got the perfect one for the Republicans – there you go. Big and white.
• Here are the instructions, ok? Uh, “As outlined in Section 7-11-20 of the 1976 South Carolina Code of Laws, as amended, and in Rule 11 of the..” you know what? [crumbles up instructions] I’m going to free-ball it.
• How hard can it be? Tancredo’s a candidate.
• Full name. That is tricky. Alright. There are more instructions here: “My name on the ballot may not imply professional or social status, an office or military rank…” Well, so much for Maestro Doctor Professor Field Marshal The Reverend Stephen Colbert, Esquire.
• My full name is Stephen Tiberius Colbert.
• “not knowingly violate any election law.” OK, let’s redact that.
• $25,000 and a $10,000 late fee? I’m going to need some corporate sponsorship. Who, uh, [reaching for a bag of Doritos] who would understand my vision for America? I’m going to have to give this some thought.
• I will send that in and, pending approval, I am the Republican primary candidate for the State of South Carolina.
• Let’s move over to the Democrats. OK – 4 pieces of paper this time. Tax and print.
• I’ve got a nice letter here from Carol Fowler, the Chairwoman. Wow – with her phone number here at the bottom. That is a little forward. I guess women are attracted to power.
• Let’s see. I need something for the Democrats. Hello! [white pen with pink pom-pom on top]
• Drop the bomb here – where is the $35,000? $35,000… $35,000… wait a second. $2,500? Man, those Democrats are a cheap date.
• Forget it. I still refuse to give the Democrats a dime until they change the dime from FDR to Reagan. Wait a second… “or, in place of money, you can submit a petition signed by 3,000 voters registered in South Carolina who consider themselves Democrats.
• So, South Carolinians, check your houses. If you don’t have a bible, a gun, or a hollowed out bible with a gun in it, you are free to sign.
• There’s the petition. We will have a downloadable copy of this on ColbertNation.com tomorrow with instructions for you heroes in South Carolina.
• They want me to print my name as I wish it to appear on the ballot. I have to do that for the Republicans, too. Alright – GOP, I wish my name to appear as Mitt Giuliani.
• Democrats, I’ll use my left hand for you. My name should appear as Hillary Clobama.
• These two are legal, binding, and ready to go.
• Tonight marks the anniversary of one of our most popular segments – This is a Threat Down!
• The 5th most frequent threat since this show began – Canada!
• If you’re like me, when you think of Canada, you think of one thing – Sex.
• They’re upset because the Canadian postal service is refusing to send their promotional fliers through the mail. I will tell you why – their fliers are printed on this. [holds up an explicitly phallic shaped object which is discreetly pixilated... but maybe not enough, especially for a Presidential candidate to be holding.] Evidently, no one wanted to lick the stamp.
• The 4th most recurrent threat: Food! This week there was a nationwide recall of Banquet pot pies due to salmonella. The real threat here – pot pies. They are an unholy marriage of dinner and dessert. Folks, if we don’t stop these Pot-Pied-Pipers now, they are going to create more ungodly hybrids on their Island of Dr. Gourmet. Can you imagine Beef Stew Shortcake? Or Soft-serve Soft-shell crab? I can’t.
• Thanks to Kiddy-pop sensations like Hannah Montana, the hot new trend is toys with rock-’n'-roll themes, toys like Mattel’s ‘I Can Play Guitar’. Well, today he’ll want “I Can Play Guitar”. Tomorrow he’ll want the “I can leech off my girlfriend, live on her couch and never get a job guitar”, otherwise know as “guitar”.
• An artificial intelligence researcher in The Netherlands claims human beings will soon be having sex with robots. Well, anyone who owns the Turbo Polish Shoe Shine System knows, that threat is all too real.
• Finally, no surprises here, the number 1 threat to America – Bears!
• I was recently sent a chilling video. What you are about to see is graphic and disturbing and if you have young children you may want to call them into the room.
• It’s eating my book! That is my face being devoured! That is mauling by proxy!
• You want war, bears? You’ve got a war.
• Oh, what’s this? It’s a copy of The Bearstein and the Trouble with Chores. Oh, hmm, hmmm. I could really go for a smoothy right now – good thing I have this blender. Maybe a banana. Some frozen strawberries. Hmm. Hmmm. A little apple juice. Alrighty. [blender jams immediately]
• Oh, s#%t! Come on, come on! Dah… Mother F#$ker. Come on, do it, Baby! Do it! Do it! [obvious cut] I told you they were a threat!
• *returning from break with the blender working*
• He may be able to outsmart a computer, but can he outsmart a man who owns a computer?
• Garry: Can he outsmart the man who just fixed a blender?
• • *Stephen moves a chess piece on the chess board and looks very satisfied*
  • Garry: Have you read my book?
  • Stephen: Oh, yes.
  • Garry: Well, you haven’t. Because you are breaking the most important rule: Never start a battle you can’t win.
  • Stephen: Look, I’m willing to offer you a draw, right now. I’m already looking 40 moves ahead.
  • Garry: You don’t want to bet?
  • Stephen: What?
  • Garry: You don’t want to bet? Maybe you have a Deep Blue under the table?
  • Stephen: I have a deep Red, White, and Blue under the table. I’d watch out.
  • Garry: OK. Draw.
  • Stephen: Draw? I’m offering you a draw.
  • Garry: I accept it.
• Your book – which I read and ignored… In what way do you think life imitates chess? Because I thought life imitated that game called “Life“.
• • Stephen: You and I are both running for President of Super Powers.
  • Garry: But there are differences, you know.
  • Stephen: Are you running like a chess player? Is this like a chess game for you? Are you looking 60 moves ahead right now?
  • Garry: No, I cannot because is chess there are rules. In Russian politics there are no rules. There are differences, you know. I America you have problems with a third party candidate, to be registered. In Russia we have the same problem with the second party candidates.
• • Stephen: Putin’s opponents tend not to do well, in the Game of Life. Are you worried at all about that? I mean, am I in danger being near you?
  • Garry: You will be banned for life from Russian television. For Putin’s political life. But you know, let’s make a deal. I can endorse you as a Presidential candidate here if you take Putin as your running mate.
  • Stephen: If I take Putin as my running mate? I have a Colbert/Putin already to go.
• I knocked your block off!
• *ok – what’s behind the red drape over the fireplace mantle?*

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Fangirl Suit Report: Dark Gray suit. Ecru shirt with barrel cuffs. Yellow tie with gold stripes. Red WristSTRONG bracelet.

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Videos courtesy of Comedy Central MotherLoad

• Political Whirlwind: The Toss
  
• Nail to the Chief: Table of Contents
• The Big News: Stephen is heartbroken that the New York Times has snubbed his Presidential announcement.
• Filing Papers: Stephen fills out the proper documents to run for President in the South Carolina primary.
• Threat Down – Bears!: When bears attack Stephen’s new book, Stephen fights back.
• Garry Kasparov: Stephen challenges Russian Presidential candidate Garry Kasparov to a game of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.
• Revenge Is Sweet: Stephen finally gets his revenge on the bears.

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• Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)
• Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)
• Episode 4067 (05/15/2008)
• Episode 4066 (5/14/08)
Categories : Colbert '08, The Colbert Report


Tags : · Episode Guides