“The following program was supposed to contain scenes of brief nudity. Thanks a lot, network. This is The Colbert Report!”
Poll Position: “Tonight I’ll have the latest on the campaign trail! Who’s up? Who’s down? And who’s Tom Tancredo again?”
- Stephen announces his candidacy for the President of the United States!
- Jeff Greenfield, Senior Political Correspondent, CBS
Advise and Resent: “Then Hillary has a new campaign adviser. And Fred Thompson has a new campaign recliner.”
Droginslayer: “Then my guest Bob Drogin has written a book about the Iraq war called ‘Curveball.’ It’s about how we were greeted as World Series Champions.”
- Bob Drogin, Author of ‘Curveball: Spies, Lies and The Con Man Who Caused A War’
In closing: *Reading the ‘Planet in Peril’ booklet* Oh. That’s it for the Report. Goodnight everybody!
- Now, everybody out there, and everybody here tonight too, I hope you picked up a copy of today’s ‘The USA Today’ today. Because inside was this advertisement for CNN’s ‘Planet in Peril,’ starring Anderson Cooper, Sanjay Gupta, Jeff Corwin, and evidently a lot of tight black shirts.
- CNN is so committed to raising awareness of the depletion of our national resources they put a six-foot-square poster in each of the 2.3 million copies of today’s ‘The USA Today’. That is 13.8 million square feet of planetary peril.
- Brilliant marketing, CNN! You have strategically ensured that the planet will still be in peril by the time your special airs next week.
- Also guaranteeing the success of CNN’s report, Anderson Cooper himself will be on my show this Thursday. So gentlemen, start your fan fiction now.
- DEAD CAT ’08: RIGHT MORE LIVES TO GIVE FOR HIS COUNTRY
- Indecision 2008: Don’t F%#k This Up, America!
- Nation, Fred Thompson is missing. The press can’t find him anywhere – not even in the couch cushions.
- Remember last week when he dazzled the audience at the Republican debate in Dearborn, Michigan? *clip of Thompson* Powerful stuff. Well, we still have a live feed from that stage. *clip of Thompson stumbling* He is a man of his honor. He will finish that sentence!
- But the big news in the presidential campaign happened tonight. And it happened on ‘The Daily Show.’ Jimmy! *clip of Jon and Stephen announcing his possible candidacy, airing not ten minutes previously*
- That was a cagey answer. Who knows what I’ll decide. *points and mouths ‘I do!’*
- Well, after nearly 15 minutes of soul-searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I shall seek the office of the President of the United States! I AM DOING IT! WOO!
- Ladies and gentlemen, I am hereby declaring that I will enter the Presidential primary in my native South Carolina, running as a favorite son. And not my mother’s favorite son. She is much too fair-minded to ever show a preference between the eight of us. Right Mom?
- No, I mean the political term ‘favorite son’ as defined by historian James Bryce back in 1888, a favorite son is ‘a politician respected or admired in his own state, but little regarded beyond it.’ Well, that was before cable.
- But the point is, folks, I am from South Carolina, and I am for South Carolina. And I defy any candidate to pander more to the people of South Carolina. Those beautiful, beautiful people.
- So Nation, you will not be needing these bumpers stickers any more. Gone. Well, actually, you might need them, just not this part here. Now you can replace the ‘Stewart’ with whoever I choose as my running mate. Could be Colbert/Huckabee, Colbert/Putin, or even Colbert/Colbert. That’s a strong ticket.
- Jeff Greenfield: I have to say this is about as unexpected a piece of news as I’ve ever heard in my life covering politics – astounding, actually.
- Stephen: So this could be a good thing? I think it cheapens the process.
- Greenfield: Who would know better?
- Stephen: Thank you.
- I was in the Marina Core. I worked at a marina, and some of us were really the core workers. I was also in the Hair Force for a while. Yeah, I did streaks and tips, mostly.
- Greenfield: I must say that you could argue that you’ve got about as much combat experience as the previous two presidents put together.
- I don’t see race. So, for all I know, I am African-American. People tell me I’m white, and I believe them, because I am also running as a Republican.
- Greenfield: This is actually going to be one for the books, Stephen. One for the books.
- Do I have what it takes to make a stump speech? The answer is yes. I’m already doing it. It’s just that I’ve been using Hillary Clinton’s mouth.
- Last week, at a campaign stop in New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton had the Clintones to mention me.
- Didja hear that? She rec- yes – go ahead. No, don’t fight it. She recognizes me as a great philosopher. Like Plato. I have my own Allegory of the Cave. Goes something like this: Imagine several prisoners have been chained up in a cave for all of their lives. That’s it. Really makes you think.
- Using my words, she is complimenting the Bush administration on making up facts to support their decisions.
- Madame Senator, you can quote me all you want. In fact, I’ve put together this ‘Stephen Colbert Quote-A-Day Calendar’ especially for you. For instance, on the day of the South Carolina primary, here’s your quote: “I concede to Stephen Colbert. He has crushed me.”
- The book is called ‘Curveball: Spies, Lies, and the Con Man Who Caused A War.’ But he didn’t cause a war; he provided the rationale for the war. We – we needed to go to war with Saddam Hussein.
- Drogin: The CIA conned themselves.
- Why do people have to say, ‘Why did we get into Iraq?’ Why can’t we just accept that we’re there, and not move on?
- Stephen: [Colin Powell] held up anthrax.
- Drogin: He held up salt.
- Stephen: He held up anthrax.
- Drogin: He held up sugar.
- It’s the Germans’ fault! Why do we keep blaming the administration if it’s the Krauts?
- Of course the Germans are going to have this exacting standard of truth! We have to look past that and go, ‘Is there anything we want?’
- Did you talk to Curveball? Then how do I know you didn’t make all this stuff up?
- Drogin: He is this one simple schlub, this little taxi driver guy who gets caught up in events outside of his control and winds up having this extraordinary impact on history.
- Stephen: I hope to do the same.
Editor’s note: Stephen, whatever happens, thank you for an awesomely entertaining hour of TV tonight and the anticipation of a wild, crazy ride through to the 2008 election!
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, pale blue shirt with French cuffs, Black tie with small white dotted pattern, WristStrong bracelet
Videos courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload!
Guest Bob Drogin: The author of ‘Curveball’ claims that the Iraq war was started by an Iraqi taxi driver.
- Table of Contents – Poll Position: Stephen has the latest from the campaign trail — who’s up, who’s down, and who’s Tom Tancredo?
- Planet in Peril: CNN put 13.8 million square feet of planetary peril into circulation today through the USA Today.
- Jeff Greenfield: CBS Senior Political Correspondent Jeff Greenfield helps Stephen with his campaign strategy.
- Colbert ’08: Stephen decides to run for President in his home state of South Carolina as a favorite son.
- Hillary’s Mouth: Hillary Clinton recognizes Stephen as a great philosopher like Plato.