The Daily Show announces: STEPHEN COLBERT FOR PRESIDENT?!

Okay, so I know I still owe you all an episode guide from last night, but I promise, I’ll get to it ASAP. Thing is, there was a little announcement on tonight’s Daily Show that I think we all want to focus on first. So, in a slight departure from the norm, here’s a recap of part of tonight’s Daily Show.

• Jon: Staying with the campaign theme, Al Gore’s Nobel Prize win has once again ignited speculation about a possible Presidential run, but another well-coiffed Southerner appears to be stealing his buzz.
• [Clip of Stephen Colbert on GMA] A lot of people see this book as me testing the waters for a Presidential run . . .
• [Clip of Stephen Colbert on Larry King Live]
• Larry King: Are you saying here tonight –
• Stephen: I am not saying anything, Larry! What are you asking me?
• [Clip of Stephen Colbert on GMA] It’s just not a question I’m ready to answer right now.
• [Clip of Stephen Colbert on Larry King Live]
• Larry King: Are you thinking about running for the big one?
• Stephen: For – God? Go down one more notch.
• Larry King: One notch – President.
• Jon: Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Colbert.
• [Stephen enters, to the strains of The Colbert Report theme, high fives the crowd, then sits down next to Jon and ostentatiously cleans his hands with Purell.]
• Stephen: I don’t know where your audience has been, Jon.
• Jon: Stephen, I –
• Stephen: Oh, hold on, Jon!
• Jon: What’s that?
• [Stephen theatrically moves a hay bale onstage, pulls a beer bottle from it, props his legs up on the bale and pops open the beer (trying, and failing miserably, to snap the bottletop into the audience).]
• Stephen: It’s great to be back, Jon . . . It’s great to be back — back with the people. Do you want one? That’s what people do, Jon. I’m an average Joe.
• Jon: Listen, I know that. You never lost touch with your roots. I, I . . . It’s great to see you . . . but I believe, if I heard correctly, you — you may have an announcement.
• Stephen: Do I?
• Jon: Isn’t that . . . I thought — isn’t that why you called me to come on today?
• Stephen: Save the passive-aggression for your next Lynne Cheney interview, Jon. Just . . .
• Jon: But I thought that you had a –
• Stephen: Just, ah . . . it’s on the card, it’s on the card. [Stephen passes Jon an index card.]
• Jon: You, you can’t just say it?
• Stephen: That’s not how it’s done.
• Jon: [Reluctantly] Stephen. Forgive me for prying. I know how you . . . hate the spotlight. But — but the people . . . [Exasperated] Stephen –
• Stephen: READ IT!
• Jon: [Resigned] The people cry out for a hero. [Massive applause. Jon continues, as Stephen insistently points to the card.] Are — ? Alright, I see it. Do I — ? And the stage direction, too? ‘Curiously.’ Are you planning a run for President of the United States?
• Stephen: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m glad you asked, Jon. Because tonight, I, Stephen Colbert, am officially announcing, that I have decided to officially consider, whether or not I will anounce, that I am running for President of the United States . . . [Wild applause] Yes! And, I will be making an announcement of *that* decision very soon. Preferably, on a more prestigious show. [Ooohs from the audience]
• Jon: Wait, Stephen, that’s, that’s — [to the audience] he’s right; [to Stephen] I give props when you’re right — uh, uh, basically though, the announcement tonight is, you have decided whether or not to announce –
• Stephen: That I, Stephen Colbert, am running for President! [Quietly] In South Carolina.
• Jon: Say, say that last part again.
• Stephen: In South Carolina, Jon. The greatest state in America. Go Gamecocks and/or Clemson Tigers!
• Jon: You’re just going to run in South Carolina; what about, what about the rest of the country?
• Stephen: Hold on, Mt. Rush-me. I didn’t even say I’m running yet! I mean, [to audience] should I?
• *Audience applauds wildly again*
• Jon: Stephen, this is –
• Stephen: This is crazy! This is crazy!
• Jon: Let me just say — Not to be devil’s advocate . . . What, what qualifies you — ?
• Stephen: I know, Jon, I know. Who would have thought that the son of a poor Appalachian turd miner; the grandson of a goat ball licker, born in the town of Could-Be-President, one day could be President of the United States? Only in America, Jon.
• Jon: What’s the next step, Stephen?
• Stephen: Well, obviously it’s a big decision, Jon, I — it’s something I have to think through over at the kitchen table.
• Jon: With your, with your wife and kids?
• Stephen: [Dismissively] Sure, they could, they could come, too. But, ah, you know, “Shhh! Daddy’s thinking.”
• Jon: Well, good luck with that decision.
• Stephen: Thank you, Jon. One more thing; do you have any cash? Because I’m wearing my ’show suit’ and I don’t carry a wallet, and I have to pay Sam.
• Jon: We still have the petty cash drawer; it’s up in my office, so you can just –
• Stephen: Thanks.

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