“An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. This is The Colbert Report!“
Nobel Fleeced Prize: “Tonight, I don’t win the Nobel Prize. Looks like I’ve been buying all that dynamite for nothing.”
- Who’s Honoring Me Now: Marie Claire Magazine
- Who’s Not Honoring Me Now: Nobel Prize Committee
- Al Gore wins the Nobel Peace Prize
The Wørd: Enviro-medal Disaster
Dennis, Anyone?: “Then, Dennis Kucinich accepts my challenge to appear on my show. While he’s here, my interns are going to steal his pot of gold.”
- By the Pocket’s Red Scare: Is that a socialist welfare state in your pocket or are you just trying to destroy America?
New College Try: “And my guest Paul Glastris ranks colleges by the good they do for our country. They’re all tied for dead last.”
- Paul Glastris, Editor in Chief of The Washington Monthly
In closing: “That’s it for the Report everybody, goodnight.”
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- Like most people, I enjoy praise. [Audience starts to cheer] That’s enough. So I’m happy to say let’s start the show with another edition of Who’s Honoring Me Now.
- Tonight I am proud to be honored by Marie Claire Magazine. Yes, yes. I have made their coveted list of 7 things to get excited about this October. And, I cannot argue with them. Look here at number 7 – apple picking. You know folks, there is nothing I enjoy more on a crisp Fall day than watching immigrants pick fruit.
- At number 4 – Mallomars! Now, I have talked about my love of Mallomars before so I don’t think I have to repeat myself. Other than the fact that Nabisco didn’t send me free Mallomars last time. So: I LOVE MALLOMARS. [*grabby hand*]
- My book, ‘I Am America (And So Can You!)’ has topped the list at Number 2! Woow! Now, Folks, I don’t normally accept number 2 slots, uh, but I do have to agree with their number 1 – sweater weather.
- That looks like a lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Because… actually, I would leave the house if that was how I was greeted at the door. You guys obviously need some time alone.
- Sweater weather is a great time of year and sweaters are a great addition to October because after spending a couple of days curled up on the couch reading my book and pounding down Mallomars, you’re going to want an oversized sweater to hide that loose caboose.
- There is, unfortunately, a dark side to being praised. Sometimes you are not.
- Once again, the Nobel prize committee has snubbed me. I did not win the Chemistry prize. They gave it to Gerhard Ertl “…for his studies of chemical processes on solid surfaces.” Woopty-do. Sounds like he invented Lemon Pledge.
- Gerhard, your win leaves me Ger-flacid.
- I also did not win for Literature this year. That went to Doris Lessing. Now enjoyed Doris’ work as the mom on Everybody Loves Raymond. But that doesn’t necessarily make her good at writing. Yea, she’s penned acclaimed novels for over half a century, but my book is number 2 on Marie Claire’s list of 7 things to get excited about in October!
- I mean, Nobel – what are your standards? Did you even think about giving the Chemistry prize to Mallomars? I mean, these guys at Nabisco are wizards. They taste like chocolate.
- Worst of all, folks, they awarded the Peace Prize to Al Gore. This is the latest in a series of awards Al Gore’s won and I haven’t: An Emmy; an Oscar; he even won his match-up on KittenWar.com. He’s cuter than Bitsy? Really?
- Now, some people see Gore’s latest prize as a sign that he should run for President. I see it as tonight’s word: Enviro-medal disaster.
- Al Gore is rapidly depleting one of the Earth’s most precious resources: awards. [Melting Prize Caps] The man is plowing through our prize-scape like an unstoppable bulldozer of acclaim. Everyday, another precious irreplaceable acre of trophies disappears into his gaping maw, never to be seen again. ["Daddy, What Were The Latin Grammys?"]
- Don’t tell me the science isn’t in. These were the Costa Rican trophy fields just 10 years ago. Here’s what they look like today. Here’s what Al Gore looked like 7 years ago. Here’s what he looks like today. I think we know where those trophies are going.
- Nation, with Al Gore and his current rate of consumption, there will be nothing left for our grandchildren to win. [Except "Most Submerged"]
- If we care about the future of our golden globe, we must slow down this Gore-juggernaut, or Gorggernaut. And the only way to do that is to stop thinking he’s so great. And the only way to do that is to stop thinking President Bush is so terrible. [Stop Thinking?]
- Ever since the 2000 election, raw hatred of George W. Bush has been converted into pure acclaim for Al Gore. Just look at this statement from John Edward’s campaign: “Congratulations to Al Gore… his leadership stands in stunning contrast to the failure of the current administration…”
- You would think Edwards could come up with something a little more personal, he clearly just bought that at Hallmark. They have a whole new line, look at this *picks up card* “To a wonderful daughter, sweet and special birthday hugs. *opens card* Al Gore’s leadership stands in stunning contrast to the failure of the current administration.”
- Clearly anti-Bush sentiment is fueling Al Gore’s rampant and wanton destruction of the global prize-scape. [Win-vironmental Degradation] Nation, if we want to preserve the splendor of our congratulatory pageantry for future generations, it is our sacred task to conserve hatred of President Bush [Reduce, Reuse, Revile] measured in BHU’s or Bush Hate Units.
- For instance reading a Frank Rich op-ed column in the New York Times creates 50 BHU’s, but if after reading that column you say “I may disagree with his policies but he clearly loves his wife and children” you can remove 10 BHU’s from the atmosphere.
- You can also help offset the world’s love for Al Gore by purchasing what’s called Bush credits. Every time you’re upset by something the President does, just log on to www.bushcredits.com say what he’s done to anger you and enter the amount of money you think your anger is worth. [In Canadian Dollars, Please] Your donation will go to a deserving anti-Gore cause such as The Bulb Foundation, a non-profit that drives boats into the middle of the ocean and dumps out tons of energy saving compact fluorescent light bulbs.
- Nation, together we can fight the Gore menace by attacking, at its source, resentment out our President. Because Gore’s not the only one who deserves an award. Don’t our children deserve a few? And doesn’t our President deserve just one? [Nobel War Prize]
- I recently issued a challenge to Democratic Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich. Or, as he would not like me to reveal, Rumpelstiltskin.
- Congressman Kucinich represents Ohio’s 10th congressional district, which can only be entered through the back of the professor’s wardrobe.
- Now, this man either has a large number of pockets or an exceptionally deep inny.
- What else will Kucinch sneak into our pockets. Will America wake up one morning , put on its pants, and find a miniature copy of the ‘Communist Manifesto’? Or, worse, ‘The Moosewood Cookbook’?
- Well, Nation, tonight we find out in a challenge I call “By the Pocket’s Red Scare: Is that a socialist welfare state in your pocket or are you just trying to destroy America?”
- His campaign gave me directions for how to summon the congressman. Here we go. *Looks into hand mirror* Kucinich, Kucinich, Kucinich. *Kucinich’s face appears*
- Congressman, let’s get down to brass tacks, which I’m sure you’re also carrying around in there.
- Kucinich: And this is the pocket constitution. The declaration of independence.
- Colbert: Okay, this is the famous…
- Kucinich: The US constitution.
- Colbert: This is the famous pocket constitution. Now, did you shrink this down yourself?
- Kucinich: Oh, no, no, no. George Bush already did that.
- Kucinich: I usually don’t show this, but this is my pocket Rosetta Stone.
- Kucinich: I have Barack Obama’s American Flag lapel pin.
- Colbert: Just what I thought. The Democratic Party only has 1 to pass around.
- Kucinich: I went to a lot of effort to get that.
- What is the trick here? Do you have a portal to another dimension in there?
- *Kucinich produces a miniature Stephen Colbert in the palm of his hand who says “Hello everybody! Vote for Dennis Kucinich!” and sings “I live in Kucinich’s pocket. I love the place that I live!”
- Colbert: Put it away! Put it away! Put him away! Congressman, that was absurd!
- Kucinich: I agree, Stephen. But as Miguel de Unamuno once said, “Only he who attempts the absurd is capable of achieving the impossible.
- *Stephen presents Congressman Kucinich with a miniature copy of ‘I Am America (And So Can You!)’.*
- Glastirs: What are the 3 things we want colleges to do?
- Stephen: Connect us with other people so when we get out we can get jobs, get us into a frat or sorority, and I forget the third.
- My Friend Mort Zuckerman runs that [US News and World Report] – friend of the show… apologized to me once – and what do you have against them?
- Glastris: It’s like measuring restaurants by how much they pay for silverware – it doesn’t give you a very good idea of how they do…
- Stephen: How do you measure restaurants?
- Glastris: We measure colleges, not restaurants…
- Stephen: Oh… you threw me there for a moment and I got very hungry.
- I think the best thing a college could do would be to shut down.
- Glastris: That’s why Texas A&M is ranked #1 and Dartmouth is at 75 which gets under the skin of a lot of the Ivy Leaguers…
- Stephen: You’re talking about my alma mater there…
- Glastris: I am and I’m sorry about that…
- Stephen: What does Texas A&M have that my alma mater does not? I mean, it’s and agriculture and mining college…
- Glastris: It recruits and graduates kids from low income families better and it also cranks out more research…
- Stephen: There’s social mobility at Dartmouth. You can go in as a plutocrat and leave as an oligarch. I do like that the Ivies aren’t represented in your top 10…
- Glastirs: No, no. The only Ivy that makes it is Cornell. The rest of them are ranked very low. Harvard is 27th.
- Stephen: Hot Damn!
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit. Lilac shirt with French cuffs. Mauve silk tie with white medallion pattern. Red WristSTRONG bracelet.
Videos courtesy of Comedy Central MotherLoad
- Nobel Fleeced Prize: Table of Contents
- Who’s Honoring Me Now — Marie Claire: Stephen’s book is one of Marie Claire’s seven things to get excited this October.
- Enviro-medal Disaster: Al Gore isn’t the only one that deserves an award. Don’t our children deserve a few?
- Dennis Kucinich: Dennis Kucinich accepts Stephen’s challenge to come on the show and empty out his pockets.
- Paul Glastris: Paul Glastris ranked Stephen?s alma mater Dartmouth number 75 on his list of America’s top colleges.
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